Where's Abel?

Hi everyone. It's been about a month since my last post, so I figured I'd give you a quick update.

This wasn't a planned break — life just happened, all at once. The family took a trip to Idaho. I got home and promptly got sick for two weeks. And then, right as I was getting my legs back under me, my son got married yesterday.

Vacation, sickness, a wedding — that's a lot to stack in one month, and something had to give. Turns out it was the blog and the videos.

If you want the fuller story, I made a short video about it here.

The good news: I'm back. I'm feeling better, the vacation and wedding are both in the rearview mirror, and I've got time to create again.

I've got the first of a six-part video series dropping next week that I think you're going to love, plus some great book updates on the way.

Thanks for your patience and stay tuned for more!

New Edition of "The Wife in the Next Life" Now Available

A Widower's Second Chance at Love. A Woman's Unanswered Questions About Eternity.

Great news! The new edition of The Wife in the Next Life is now available. We've given the manuscript a light polish for clarity, finalized a brand-new cover design, and put the finishing touches on the print layout. It's ready for you to read.

The Wife in the Next Life is mine and Julie's raw, alternating true account of falling in love and building a relationship without the answers most couples take for granted. Told with the same unflinching honesty that made Room for Two a lifeline for thousands of readers, it's the story of two people choosing to move forward — into love, into marriage, into an unknowable next life — before they have any of the answers.

At some point, we all face questions with no easy answers. How we choose to move forward in spite of them can define the rest of our lives.

Here's what readers have said about The Wife in the Next Life on Amazon:

• "Perfectly paced, beautifully written, hard subject."

• "Rarely do we get a chance to look into someone's life and see the joy, pain and sorrow they have lived."

• "It was a rare, wonderful read and a privilege to share in the raw emotional rollercoaster that has brought them both to their settled lives together today."

Available now in paperback, ebook, and audiobook.

The Real Reason Someone Needs a Shrine to Their Late Spouse

Note: Watch a video version of this post here.

Something I frequently see in coaching sessions: a person dating a widow or widower asks for the late spouse's photos to come down from the living room, bedroom, or nightstand. The next thing that happens is they're called selfish, insecure, and unable to handle someone's past.

Nobody stops to ask the obvious question: If you can't build a new marriage without a tribute to the old one, who's actually insecure here?

Now, if you've read my books, you know I believe it's up to the couple to decide what goes in the home they're building together. Some are fine with a photo or two of the late spouse. Others prefer none at all. It's up to them to decide what works. And when minor children live in the home, I've been absolutely clear that a photo of the deceased parent in their room is fine.

What I'm not a fan of is labeling the non-widowed spouse as insecure or selfish for wanting to feel like a priority in the relationship — because that argument flips easily. A widow or widower who's secure in their relationship doesn't need photos of their deceased spouse on the wall. They don't need the house arranged like a museum to feel connected to their past. A secure person isn't leaning on pictures or anything else, because they're standing on their own.

If you're widowed, being asked to remove photos or trinkets so your new love can feel comfortable isn't about erasing anyone. Nobody's asking you to forget your late spouse existed, or saying grief has a deadline. But if your new relationship needs a shrine to survive, that's not love for the person who died — that's a crutch, and your new love is the one who has to walk around it every day.

And if you're the one dating a widow or widower — you're not wrong for wanting a home that feels like yours too. Wanting to come first in your own house isn't insecurity. It's a baseline.

The healthiest marriages don't run on the constant presence or total absence of photos. They run on both people feeling loved, respected, and like they actually come first. That's the standard. Everything else is decoration.

So next time you're labeled insecure for asking a photo to come down, ask who's really afraid to let go.

Who Are You Now that Your Marriage is Over?

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

Who are you now that your marriage is over? If you can't answer that, you're not ready to date-you're ready to repeat the same patterns and blind spots-only with a new person standing where your ex or late spouse used to be.

 The hard part about dating after divorce or being widowed isn't learning to love again but figuring out who you are without your ex or late spouse, your grief, and the old script running the show.

Maybe you're grieving a marriage that ended in a hospital room. Maybe you're grieving one that ended in a courtroom. Either way, the marriage is over-but if you're still making decisions like you're still in it, you haven't actually left it.

 You don't build a healthy future with someone else until you know who you are on your own. Your past shapes you, but don't let it write your next chapter.

He Says He's Moved On. His Home Tells a Different Story.

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “I’m dating a widower, and he doesn’t think the very large memorial of his late wife—who passed away six years ago—is a distraction to moving forward. I don’t want to pressure him, but I feel like the constant reminders are affecting his ability to fully move forward.”

First, I hear what you’re saying—you’re trying to be respectful, not controlling. That matters.

But here’s the hard truth: it doesn’t matter what he says about it. It matters what he does. If, after six years, the memorial setup is still taking up significant emotional space in the home and in the relationship, then that tells you something about where he actually is in his grief—not where he claims to be.

You can’t argue someone into being ready. And you can’t love them into letting go of something they’re not ready to let go of.

Now, this isn’t about forcing him to erase his past. It’s about whether there’s room for you in his present. If he’s unwilling to make any adjustments that acknowledge how this impacts the relationship, then you have to take that seriously.

At that point, the question shifts from “How do I get him to change?” to “Is this the kind of relationship where I can truly be a priority?” If the answer is no, then it may be time to step back and find someone who’s actually available for the kind of relationship you want.

I Took Down His Late Wife's Photo Without Asking!

Note: You can see a video of this post here.

A viewer asks, “Abel, what if I took down the picture of him and his deceased wife on my own without his permission? I did it, and he didn’t say a word. Do you think he secretly resents me for it, or do you think he realized it was time to take it down?”

The only person who should be taking down photos or personal items connected to the late wife is the widower—not you. Now, you absolutely should speak up about how those things make you feel. But crossing the line and removing them yourself? That creates resentment, whether he says it out loud or not. You’ve planted a ticking time bomb in the relationship, and eventually it’s going to blow up.

What you should do is put the photo back up, apologize for taking it down, and let the widower decide when he’s ready to show he’s opening his heart to you. If he’s truly ready for a new relationship, those changes need to come from him—not from pressure or control.

Is It a Red Flag If He Doesn't Tell You He's a Widower?

Note: You can watch a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, what if he doesn’t tell you he’s a widower on the first date?”

Personally, I’d hope he brings it up right away on the second date and has a good reason for not mentioning it sooner. Is it a red flag or a dealbreaker? Not necessarily. I’ve worked with clients in this situation, and as long as there’s complete honesty and transparency going forward, I’d usually let it slide.

To be fair, my first date with Julie probably would’ve gone better if I hadn’t dropped the “widower bomb” right in the middle of dinner. Waiting until the second date might have made things smoother. The bigger issue isn’t whether he tells you on date one or date two—it’s whether he’s emotionally ready for a real relationship.

So, whether he tells you on the first date or the second, keep your eyes wide open for red flags and make sure he’s truly ready to open his heart to you.

Losing His Wife, His Newborn Daughter, and Every Answer He Had

Enjoyed being on the This is My Chapter podcast. In it I discuss how I became one of the internet's first voices for young widowers — starting with an anonymous online diary that organically grew into a lifeline for thousands of men who had nowhere else to go. I also discuss my journey through grief, my disastrous first date with Julianna, and how I reacted when she told me "I won't play second fiddle to a dead woman.” It’s what rebuilding looks like when the old life is gone.

My Dad Is Already Dating. My Mom Just Died.

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, what would you say about a widower whose wife went from completely healthy to dead in a month and a half, and then started seeing someone within two months? It feels incredibly disrespectful to my suddenly deceased mom.”

First, I want to acknowledge how painful that is. From your perspective, it can feel like your mom’s life and memory are being pushed aside way too quickly.

I think your dad likely has a big hole in his heart and is trying to fill it in the fastest way he knows how. For better or worse, that kind of behavior is more common in sudden-loss widowers than people realize. That doesn’t excuse it—but it does help explain it.

Now here’s the part you do have control over: how you respond to it.

You can’t control your dad’s timeline, his coping, or the choices he makes right now in his grief. But you can control your boundaries and how you protect your own relationship with your mom’s memory while still navigating your relationship with him.

That may mean having an honest conversation about how fast this feels. It may mean setting limits on what you’re willing to be around emotionally. But the goal isn’t to punish him—it’s to keep your own sense of respect and stability intact while he’s figuring out how to process a sudden loss.

Can Sons Become Mini-Husbands?

Note: Watch a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, can sons become a mini-wife?”

Yes—although in this case, it’s more accurate to call them a mini-husband. It’s not as common in widower relationships, but it does happen, especially with widows or after divorce. It starts when the parent starts treating the son like a surrogate spouse instead of a child. As a result, the son may become overly protective, possessive, or feel responsible for his mother’s emotional well-being and happiness.

That’s a heavy burden to put on anyone. And if it’s not addressed, it can create serious problems later in life and future relationships. The solution is the same as with a mini-wife dynamic: healthy boundaries. The parent has to stop leaning on the child emotionally and free them to live their own life—not fill the role of a spouse.

If you want to learn more, check out my video on mini-wives.