I'll be hosting FreeCapitalist Radio today (Thursday) from 5:00 - 7:00 p.m. Mountain Time. If you're in Utah the show is broadcast on 630 AM. If you live outside the broadcast range you can listen to the web stream here. It's a talk show so if you're listening and want to comment feel free to call the show at 1-800-331-4301.
Letter to Elizabeth, Part II
Author's note: Names of individuals and locations where they live have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved. Elizabeth,
It was my intent to finish up this email several days ago. I went to bed that night thinking of what I was going to write. Then I received a phone call that delayed my completing this email until now.
An old friend of mine, Anne, tried to kill herself last weekend. I don't think you knew her. We dated off and on in high school and kept in touch over the years. She married this great guy, Trent, about 12 years ago. Three years ago they moved to Iowa. She's the mother of four young children.
Anne was in town a few months ago to visit family and had dinner with Marathon Girl and me. She seemed happy and normal. She told us about going back to school to complete her bachelor's degree. She talked about her kids and how much she enjoyed being a mom. So when I received the news that she attempted to take her own life, I was stunned. According to her mom, several people have mentioned that she left a note behind stating that Trent and her children would be better off without her.
I've talked to Trent once since then. He's in shock and "pretty messed up." He blames himself for what happened. I tried to console him the best I could from 1,000 miles away. Of all people you'd think I'd be the one that would have comforting words and but I really didn't know what to say to him. Mostly I just let him talk.
The only part in which I felt I was somewhat helpful was telling him about the day my first wife killed herself and the three promptings I ignored that, had I heeded them, may have saved her life. You know all about that but Trent had never heard that part of the story before. I'm sending him a copy of my book because I think some of my experience might be beneficial to both him and Anne.
Over the last few days, I've thought about Anne and what was going through her mind when she tried to kill herself. And, in answer to your question, I've thought back to my first wife and what she was thinking when she put the gun to her head. But knowing Anne and my first wife as well as I do, I've concluded that there must be a dark place that some people reach. I cannot fathom such a place but it must be horrible if people think the only way out is death.
I was surprised to read in your email that before your second child was born a few months ago that your husband constantly worried that you'd do something similar to Krista even though you've had no history of depression and mental illness in your family. How powerfully the effects my first wife's suicide still reverberate years later continues to amaze me.
In Sunday school last week, I taught the teenagers at church how there is no such thing as a "private" decision. Every decision we make will affect someone else at some point in our lives. Rationalizing that what you do won't hurt anyone else is a lie. The world, I told them, is made up of the "private" decisions of millions of people. I think if we understood how our actions truly affect those around us, we'd think twice before doing certain things.
My mind returns to Anne. I wonder how her decision will affect her relationship with her husband and her children. I think of my own life and choices I need to make in the upcoming days and weeks. Some are minor. Others are looming large. I hope and pray that I can make good decisions that will not only be beneficial to me but to my family.
Again, I apologize for the delay in sending this email. I hope it finds you well and let's arrange our schedules so Marathon Girl and I can meet up with the two of you for dinner. There is still so much I'd like to talk with you about.
Your friend,
Abel
Letter to Elizabeth, Part I
Dear Elizabeth, It was nice to receive an email from you this morning. It's been many months since we've last talked. It sounds like your life is just as busy as mine but I'm glad to hear your husband and children is doing well. And yes, it would be nice for our families to spend an evening together and catch up. Since we live so far apart, how about meeting at a restaurant somewhere near Bountiful? Marathon Girl knows our schedule better than me. I'll have her call you tonight and arrange a night when we can meet.
You asked some questions about my first wife and Marathon Girl and I thought I might answer some of those questions now before the hour grows too late.
It amazes me how many people pick up on how happy I am with Marathon Girl. Just the other day I received an email from someone stating that one of the reasons she continues to read my blog is because of the optimism and hope I continually exhibit. Others email me and want to know what I've done to become so happy.
The question you asked, however, is one I've never been asked before, though I know that there are probably friends and family that wonder the same thing: Could I or did I have the same happiness with my first wife as I do with Marathon Girl?
I believe I could have been just as happy with my first wife as I am with Marathon Girl, if I was the person I am now. But I was such a different person when I was married to my first wife. I was more selfish, less caring, and less loving. It's not that I think my first wife and I had a bad marriage (I would marry her again in a heartbeat) but with Marathon Girl I've learned how to be a better husband and have a stronger relationship with my wife.
Ironically it was my first wife's death that was the catalyst for my current happiness. In those moments of mighty darkness, on the days when I thought I'd never be happy again, I spent many hours pondering what I'd do differently if I was given a second chance -- not necessarily with my first wife -- to be married again.
In those moments of absolute darkness and despair I came to the conclusion that you only have one chance at life. Slowly, I began changing my life and doing the things I always wanted to do. That's why I went and saw the Tigers play in Phoenix that summer, for example. I decided I would live my life in such a way that I could do so without regretting anything else.
There are so many things about my relationship with my first wife that I regret. Not big things but little things I could have done to make my marriage to my first wife stronger. My first wife and I had a wonderful relationship. But there were little things I regret. My first wife always wanted to take a trip to San Diego. We never did it. The times when we could have spent an evening together but chose not to because we wanted to spend time with friends or doing things that didn't involve the other person. I vowed that if I was ever blessed enough to find someone else I could give my heart and soul to, that I would not make the same mistake again and would put everything that I had into making my second wife happy.
I tell people all the time that Marathon Girl and I have a very unique relationship. Most people assume it's because of the widower issue. They're partially correct, but the uniqueness of our relationship goes much deeper than that. Marathon Girl and I do everything together. And I mean everything. If we need to pick up a loaf of bread that the store, we pack up the kids and do it together. The only time we are apart is when I'm at work or Marathon Girl does a church activity one night a week. Most married couples we know don't spend nearly as much time together as Marathon Girl and I do. In fact most married couple I know seem to be in a similar kind of relationship that I had with my first wife: a good marriage but not doing everything they could to make it a strong marriage (Please don't think I'm comparing our relationship to yours. This is something I've observed since being married to Marathon Girl.)
If Marathon Girl was killed in a horrible accident I'd be very sad. But I would be able to look back on the three years we were married and say that we had a wonderful marriage and that I have no regrets about anything in our relationship. I don't mean to imply that Marathon Girl and I have a perfect marriage. We don't. But we have a good and strong marriage and relationship with each other. And I credit it to the fact that we both put everything into it.
The hour is late and I'll write more tomorrow and answer some of your questions about my first wife's suicide.
Web of Lies
Last week wasn't a good one for liars. A mayor, young author, and personnel director for a NFL team were all exposed for dishonesty. The mayor of Eagle Mountain, Utah, Brian Olsen, admitted he lied about having a master's degree in Public Administration. It turns out Olsen had a public manager's certificate from a series of courses he took three years previously. When confronted with the accusation, Olsen told the Daily Herald that he first explained the certification to people by comparing it to a master's degree and then began telling people he had a master's degree because "it was simpler."
Nineteen-year-old author Kaavya Viswanathan had her book pulled from shelves and her six figure book contract canceled after it was revealed that her first novel How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life contained plagiarized passages of at least three, and possibly four, other novels. When first confronted with the allegations Viswanathan said she had unintentionally "internalized" passages from other works. But as the number of plagiarized passages grew, Viswanathan ran out of explanations and has not been heard from in over a week.
Finally, Fran Foley, personnel director for the Minnesota Vikings, was fired for an inaccurate resume that misstated his early work history and exaggerated his college football career. According to the Associated Press, Foley claimed to have held "coaching positions with the Citadel, Rutgers and Colgate when he was actually a graduate assistant at the three schools. He also said he played four seasons at Framingham State, when he only played two."
These stories illustrate a growing trend of dishonesty. Though there have been deceptions and dishonest tendencies from the beginning of this world, such intents and actions seem to be more acceptable today. We blame the pressures of wanting to succeed in a competitive environment or look to some people such as former President Bill Clinton, whose lies were made out--in the eyes of the media anyway--as no big deal.
Why did Olsen, Viswanathan, and Foley feel they had to lie? Olsen certainly didn't need a master's degree to be elected mayor of Eagle Mountain. Considering her strong writing background, Viswanathan was certainly talented enough to write her own words instead of relying on others. And Foley probably could have succeeded in the NFL without the embellishments in his resume.
Honesty is a matter of personal integrity. If you want to prosper and be successful in this life, honesty is essential. Yet it seems that this virtue is increasingly something that is pushed aside for the honors and praise of the world under the justification that the lie isn't hurting anyone.
Because of her dishonesty, Viswanathna had her book contract canceled. Foley was fired. And Olsen? Olsen told the Daily Herald that the lie was "a terrible falsehood and something I regret" and he hoped to finish out his term and use it as an opportunity to earn back the trust of voters.
If Olsen wants to regain the trust of Eagle Mountain's citizens, he should resign and run again in another election. Trust is something not easily regained once it is lost. The citizens of Eagle Mountain, not Olsen, should decide if he's worthy of their trust.
And for that matter, it rests on each of us to not only conduct ourselves with honesty in all of our dealings, but also to require the same honesty in return. The sad fact is that dishonest words and actions have become more prevalent because more people think they will be able to get away with such things. If we hold ourselves, our entertainers, and our leaders accountable for the actions and thoughts expressed, then perhaps people like Olsen, Viswanathan, and Foley will not be so inclined to deceive.
This article was originally published at FreeCapitalist.com
Don't be a Victim
Second post today....I co-hosted FreeCapitalist Radio yesterday. The topic of the show was about not being a victim when bad things happen in our lives. About 35 minutes into the show we started talking about when I lost my first wife. The rest of the show was about how I refused to be a victim after my first wife killed herself. If you're interested in hearing what I had to say, you can download an MP3 of the show right click here then select Save Target As. The show is about 1 hour and 50 minutes long. If you want to skip to the segment where I start telling my story fast forward the show to 37:45. The rest of the show is mostly about my situation.
Good for Little, Brown and Co.
I was glad to read that Little, Brown and Co. found some brains and decided not to republish a revised version of Kaavya Viswanathan's novel.
Little, Brown and Co. will not publish a revised edition of Kaavya Viswanathan's "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life" nor will it publish a second book, Michael Pietsch, Little, Brown's senior vice president and publisher, said in a statement Tuesday.
Apparently the plagiarism was to onerous even for them. I hope she has to pay back her advance.
***
Usually the adjectives "red hot" and "sizzling" don't precede the Detroit Tigers. But at 19-9 the Tigers have won six in a row, have the second best record in the American League, and are only a half game back of the World Champion Chicago White Sox.
The upside of all this is it's not embarrassing to wear my Detroit Tiger hat in public.
Random Thoughts from This Weekend
Marathon Girl, I, and our boys were filmed for a public service announcement for the United Way over the weekend. I don't know if they'll use the footage but if they do, this is how you can identify us: If you see a gorgeous woman, two adorable kids, and some less-than-average looking guy next to them then you've seen our spot.
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It amazed me how our actions can affect people we don't even know. Saturday Marathon and I were in the middle of a six mile run when we ran past a park. A woman at the park yelled at Marathon Girl as we ran past: "I see you running all the time! I want you to know you've inspired me to get back into shape!" I asked Marathon Girl who the woman was. Marathon Girl shrugged her shoulders and said, "I have no idea."
***
Aidan and Steven have their own language that consists of coos, yelps, and laughs. I don't think I'll ever figure out what they're saying to each other.
***
When bad things happen to us, we sometimes wonder what we did to deserve such a thing. But knowing why bad things happen to us isn't nearly as important as facing our challenges with unrelenting optimism.
I Knew It
Apparently Kaavya Viswanathan has now admitted that passages from her book were lifted from another writer.
"Publisher Little, Brown and Company, which had signed Viswanathan to a reported six-figure deal, said in a statement Thursday that it had notified retail and wholesale outlets to stop selling copies of the book, and to return unsold copies to the publisher....Little, Brown has said the book will be revised as quickly as possible."
What I don't understand is why they're revising it. They should simply stop selling the book and Viswanathan should be blacklisted from publishing anything ever again.
I perused through a few pages of one of her books online last night and, from what I read, she seemed very talented for a 19 year old. Unfortunately now we'll never know how much of her talent was real and how much of it was hers and how much was borowed from other writers.
But if you want to read something very poignant and well written, I suggest you check out the essay titled Vessels by Daniel Raeburn in the May 1 issue of the New Yorker. (Sorry, no online version is available.) It's a touching story about his wife giving birth to a stillborn baby. It was hard to read having lost a daughter but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Accidents Happen, Right?
It seems like more of these author/plagiarism stories are becoming more common. Most recently a 19-year-old author, Kaavya Viswanathan, was accused of borrowing passages from another author, Megan McCafferty. Viswanathan's response? It was an accident. "While the central stories of my book and hers are completely different, I wasn't aware of how much I may have internalized Ms. McCafferty's words." Viswanathan said. "I am a huge fan of her work and can honestly say that any phrasing similarities between her works and mine were completely unintentional and unconscious. My publisher and I plan to revise my novel for future printings to eliminate any inappropriate similarities."
You can read examples of similarities from Viswanathan's book and McCafferty's novels here.
I cringed when reading the examples uncovered by The Harvard Crimson. Some of passages them are pretty much verbatim. I think there are too many passages and similarities between Viswanathan's passages and McCafferty's books to believe they were unintentional.
Writing is hard. Being able to string words, sentences and dialogue together can be very difficult. Writing a book-length manuscript was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. But I don't understand the temptation to borrow passages verbatim from another writer. What happened to honesty and integrity?
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On a side note, Michelle, if you're reading this, you might want to check out this essay called Earth Camp.
Listen to Me II
I'll be co-hosting FreeCapitalist Radio this TUESDAY and WEDNESDAY (April 25 and 26) from 9 a.m. - 11 a.m. Mountain Time. If you're in Utah and want to listen, the show is on 630 AM.
If you're outside want to stream the show in via the Internet, paste the following link into your browser: http://www.audiorealm.com/player.config.html?page=listen&stationID=60659&relayID=-1&srefID=1
It's a talk show so if you're listening and have something to say, you can call the show at 1-800-331-4301.