Widower Wednesday: Work and Grief
October 12th, 2011 | 5 comments
A New Jersey judge has ruled that a boss can tell a mother to remove her dead daughter’s photo and ballet slippers from her work cubicle.
Cecilia Ingraham’s teenage daughter, Tatiana, died of leukemia in 2005, a few months before her Cornell University orientation. After a year and a half of keeping Tatiana’s memorabilia in her cubicle, Ingraham’s boss, Carl DeStafanis, told her it was “disruptive” and to please get rid of it.
DeStafanis told Ingraham that she could “no longer speak of her daughter because she is dead.” Ingraham tearfully exited, filed for short-term disability after having heart surgery, and eventually resigned.
According to Ingraham’s lawyer, Neil Mullin, this is a whitewashed version of events. DeStafanis was a high-level employee who Ingraham barely knew, and during the half-hour exchange DeStefanis was allegedly “relentless,” as Ingraham fell apart before his eyes.
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According to DeStafinis, several co-workers had complained that Ingraham’s frequent mentions of her dead daughter made them uncomfortable. Mullin claims that he was able to prove that this was false testimony.
When Ingraham left the building, she started having heart palpitations and went to the hospital. There, she had a full nervous breakdown.
“She was in grieving before, seeing a grief counselor and getting to work everyday,” said Mullin. “This was a shattering experience for her.”
Ingraham decided to fight back. She got in touch with Mullin.
“It wasn’t about the money,” said Mullin. “As a father with children I was appalled that a high-level manager at a major American corporation would act in this sadistic way. To me, a grieving mother is a sacred thing.”
Read the full article here.
I wish there was more information on this case because it sounds like both sides handled the situation poorly. That being said, from what I have read, I’m included to side with the boss on this one. My guess is that the real issue is that most people in the office felt uncomfortable being around her because she kept talking about her loss.
Most work places bring together people with different interests and backgrounds. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance from everyone to have a halfway productive and bearable work environment. That usually means subjects like politics, religions, and other personal matters are best left at the door or shared with those you know who feel the same way. I once worked in the same department with a guy who was going through a messy divorce. For months it was pretty much all he could talk about. Not only did his job performance suffer but so did his work relationship with everyone else. After awhile pretty much everyone avoided working with him, talking to him, or going out to lunch with him unless it was absolutely necessary. Everyone was so annoyed with his behavior that we were all secretly happy when wife took him to the cleaners.
At my current job a coworker recently lost an infant daughter shortly after her birth. He took a couple weeks of time off. When we returned, he was a little quieter than usual for about a month but soon returned to his normal workplace self. A photo of his infant daughter is pinned to his cubicle wall. As far as I know, the photo doesn’t bother anyone who stops by his cube but I also know he doesn’t constantly talk about his dead daughter. He’s done his best to put his life back together and move forward—at least from what I’ve seen at work.
Despite what Ingraham’s attorney says, a grieving mother (or father) isn’t a sacred thing. Loss doesn’t give one the right to impose his or her bereavement on friends, family, significant others, or coworkers. Most people are sympathetic to the loss but only to a point. They have their own issues they’re dealing with and get annoyed when one person acts like they’re the only one with problems.
There’s a time and place for everything—including grief. If you need to create a memorial, it’s probably best to do it at home. If you need to talk about your loss, confide in a councilor, religious leader, or friend instead of a coworker. Try to make work a place where you can focus on something else for part of the day. Any loss can be difficult to deal with but unless you want to want to add the stress of being unemployed to your current trial, it’s in one’s best interest to find a way to make it though the workday one day at a time.
Hat Tip: Hitcoffee
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I had read this too and think there is probably more info that would make both the mother and her employer look bad if it got out. It seems as though the mother also had other health issues that complicated things.
It’s hard to leave grief “at the door” especially when a death is preceded by a long illness/care-taking situation b/c it’s hard to keep that sort of thing from bleeding over here and there.
I was lucky to have principals and co-workers who worked with me during my late husband’s illness and after his death so I could juggle teaching and home-life. Not everyone is so fortunate, but I learned early on that no one really wants to how you really feel or how you are really doing. Sadly, the answer to the question “How are you?” should nearly always be “I’m fine” when one is at work.
It’s interesting that our culture spouts such a line about “grief work” and “grief process” taking time right up until it makes us personally uncomfortable or inconveniences us in some way. It’s unfortunate b/c there will always be that 10 – 15% who simply aren’t strong enough to “suck it up” and “get it over” even if just for appearances sake.
It’s funny you should mention your co-worker going through divorce. I encountered this during the time I was care-taking. He was a guy on my team, who later got back together w/his wife, but he complained about her constantly after they split. One day he said, “I have the worst life ever.” To which I replied, “Want mine instead? I’ll trade you.” This was right after I’d had to put my late husband in a nursing home. He got quiet and then said “No.” And he never complained about the ex again in front of me. Nothing like perspective, eh?
There are lots and lots of unanswered questions here. At the forefront for me are:
1. To what extent was Ingraham’s own work performance compromised by her grief?
2. Did DeStefanis or any other supervisor talk to her before this to a) help her get over things b)and make her realize how her behavior was negativly affecting others? An EAP (employee assistance program) or something of the sorts?
Every workplace has its own unique culture. At some, sharing life experiences of any kind is the norm and Ingraham probably would have had more empathy. At others, a more professional, less personal atmosphere is called for.
Unless you are talking about harrassment/discrimination/safety violations/labor abuse/etc., which is unacceptable in ANY situation, it is usually the responsiblity of the employee to fit in with that culture, for better or worse.
I hope this woman heals quickly on all fronts, physically, emotionally, financially and learns that next time, there are boundaries that even personal grief must learn to respect.
And I hope her former employer learns to handle tough situations with more thoughtfulness and empathetic intervention.
My question is this….are the other employees with LIVE children allowed to have pictures/mementos in their cubicles? And I agree with Karen, that the supervisor should have tried other tactics, getting human resources involved, before taking the cruel route that he chose to take. I did some research online and no where did it say in any of the articles I read that her work was suffering. It just said that “some co-workers were uncomfortable” but when her lawyer interviews them, nobody said that they were uncomfortable. I think this particular supervisor was probably the one that was uncomfortable with the photo and is just a bully-type personality, and should be required to go to some sort of sensitivity training. Even my own boss, who can be a really insensitive clod most of the time, is VERY sensitive when it comes to my grieving when it hits me at work now and then. At the end of the day, employees are human. And I don’t have a lot of faith in the courts these days anyway…(Casey Anthony, anyone???…don’t even get me started!!!)
Hmmm. It doesn’t mention the ages of the parties involved does it? Today’s younger society is much more open regarding personal matters and perhaps the overseer is older and is not used to such divulging of personal information? In the days before television reality shows and such people kept most of their emotions private. I’m not saying that its right or wrong to hold emotions in. I have a coworker who lost his father in April and his mother last month. He has been the same type of worker – enveloping himself in his work. He is a very private person. His father died suddenly, his mother of MS after 10+ years of being bedridden. I feel it must be hard for him but he doesn’t let on and I pray that he has a support system.
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