Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings
February 2nd, 2011 | 28 comments
First, if you’ve emailed me in the last week with a widower question and haven’t received a response, please be patient. I’m in the middle of proofing the galleys for The Third. It’s a very slow and time intensive process and I’ve had to put all email replies to the backburner for the rest of the week. I’ll be catching up on emails next week.
Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday topic.
I receive two emails in my inbox about widowers wearing their wedding rings when they’re dating. One woman had just returned from a first date with a recent widower and noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. The second was from a woman who’s been with a widower for several months. He’s been wearing ring on his right hand which hadn’t bothered the woman much until she learned it was the late wife’s wedding band. This made her feel very uncomfortable. Both women wanted to know if wearing the rings are a sign that these widowers aren’t ready to move on.
A ring is a symbol of his commitment to the late wife and their marriage. Once a widower has agreed to a serious, committed relationship with the new woman, the wedding ring should be removed from his finger put away. I would hope that most widowers would realize that wearing a wedding ring could cause a level of discomfort with the women they’re first dating and take it off beforehand. But not all widowers think of such things when the start dating again.
But is wearing a ring a sign the widower’s not ready to move on?
Well, it depends. I’m inclined to give the recent widower on the first date the benefit of the doubt. While I can see how that would make the woman he’s dating uncomfortable, I don’t necessarily see it as a sign that that he’s not ready to move on. The widower may not even give the ring on his finger a second thought. So, aside from the ring, if everything else went well, I don’t see a problem with going out again while keeping your eyes wide open for other signs he’s not moving on.
As to the second example, since the emailer made it sound like they’re in a committed relationship I think the ring should go. If the ring is the only red flags he exhibits, I’d be concerned but not too worried about it. I’d have a talk with him about the ring and let him know how it makes you feel. However, don’t ask him to take it off. That’s something he should want to do on his own. If he’s exhibiting other red flags in addition to the ring, I’d be more concerned.
As far as my experience goes, I never wore a wedding ring on my fingers when I started dating. Soon after my late wife died, I put it on a chain around my neck. I removed it once I realized it was coming between Marathon Girl and me. (Read Room for Two if you want the complete story.) I didn’t have a problem removing it and putting it in a box because I was ready to start a new life with Marathon Girl and couldn’t wait for the day I could wear a new ring that would symbolize our love and commitment to each other.
Widowers who are ready to start a new life shouldn’t have a problem removing it. While it’s just a public symbol, it is one that symbolizes a past life. Once they’ve started a committed relationship with someone else, it’s time to put the old ring away.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
The ring is tricky. As you say, it might mean something and might not. I took mine off the day after the funeral. My husband hadn’t worn his consistently due to his job and wasn’t wearing one when we started dating.
To most people though, it is a symbol of commitment and if a man is wearing one – it’s a signal to most women that a serious relationship might not be in the cards.
Speaking and discussing is key. You can’t read his mind and he can’t read yours. If he makes a big deal about continuing to wear it – I would be wary and possible look elsewhere if a serious relationship and marriage are what you are looking for. It’s perfectly okay to want what you want, but you might have to pursue that with someone else.
Just a quick aside – I have noticed that some widowed folk regard moving the ring to the right hand, putting it on a chain or resetting the stones as a memorial thing – kind of like getting a tattoo (which is another interesting aspect that Abel hasn’t – that I’ve seen – written about. My husband toyed with a memorial tat and personally, I was glad he nixed the idea.). In this case, it really has to be discussed and level of comfort weighed. jmo.
@Annie, I couldn’t agree more that discussing is key. I think sometimes it is easier to look for the possible slights and hurts than it is to simply ask. A couple of times I have been guilty of assuming that something I found hurtful was important to my husband when the reality was he didn’t have a clue that it bothered me. Over time I have learned to ask about these things and almost universally they are resolved easily. The key is always to ask, not assume, accuse or demand.
In my case, my husband and I had become reacquainted over a 4-month e-mail correspondence. When we saw one another for the first time (in 35 years), he was still wearing his ring and he had his LW’s rings on a chain around his neck. He had forgotten he was wearing her rings and the chain was gone, without comment, the next day. He continued to wear his ring for several months, removing it only when we were together. I was a little hurt but when I asked he explained that removing it would spark a lot of questions from family, friends and colleagues and since we had decided not to go public right away, he preferred not to have to offer half-explanations. (They had had an exceptionally happy and long marriage and had many close friends and colleagues in common. We were conducting a long-distance relationship and saw one another only once or twice a month.) True to his word, as soon as we told family and close friends about our relationship, the ring came off and I haven’t seen it since. Today he is absolutely thrilled that we are wearing matching wedding bands made just for us!
Wow. That IS a sensitive subject. I’m pretty easy-going about a lot of things, but I truly think that if my husband had been wearing a wedding ring ANYWHERE on our first date, I would have been too creeped out to bother with a second one. I don’t necessarily think it’s a sign he hasn’t moved on- but I think I would have just done what I needed to do to get through the date and be done with it. It’s unfortunate that I would have felt that way… I am EXTREMELY happy and lucky to be with the husband I have. I TRULY would have lost out on someone wonderful. But “MY” feelings on that first date would have been *he’s still wishing to be married to her*
I am a recent widower. I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I just getting to the point of hanging out and well, see what happens. To me the ring is an eternal link. Anyone who dates me has to understand, I make it very forward and clear, that my past wife is forever a part of me. That will never change, I will be buried beside her and our daughter. Yet, I could still be open to love and be loved. If I find that person, I will remove the ring from my left but it will always stay on my person. Along with my past wife’s ring around my neck most likely. When I go on a date, that is where it is. I feel that it is a part of who I am now.
@Annie — I need to put a gernal paragraph in each WW post saying how talking to your W can solve a lot of issues.
It is a subject I address in-depth in my Dating a Widower book, however. Maybe I should just copy and paste that into every post.
I did not know my fiance was a widower until our first date, but I certainly never would have agreed to the date if there was a wedding ring in sight.
Only later, after the relationship became intimate, did I see the memorial tattooo on his heart. It was a huge blow, and for many months it was very hard for me to accept.
But a couple things have helped me make peace with it.
First, as my fiance describes it, the tattoo has helped him get past the grief and move on. I am not sure I understand this, but I do believe him, and his actions affirm this. The guy is so in love with life, and his happiness is contagious and engaging despite the hardships he has survived.
Secondly, a few months after we started dating, I had to interview a man who has lost his wife three week earlier. (I work for a newspaper.) She was a local celebrity in the fiber arts communty and the story was about his decision to continue her business. He too had just done a tattoo on his arm with her name. Crying throughout our conversation, his grief was palpable, raw and excruciating.
It made me cry later as I was driving back to the office. My tears were just as much for him and his dead wife (whom I had met a year earlier when she was healthy) as for my fiance (then boyfriend). The experience was a gift, a way to see and feel firsthand what my fiance went through early as a new widower.
With every “widower” issue, the only right answer is the one both parties can live with. I decided early on that I can live with this tattoo, and in fact, now it would seem odd if it weren’t there.
I have 2 memorial tattoos. My daughter who passed away shortly after birth across my shoulder blades and AFE ( Always, Forever< eternity) across my heart for my wife. We always signed letters and notes to each other that way and it has helped me heal. If I chose, I could not give an explanation about the AFE tat, but I always will. Anyone I date has to understand that they aren't the first, and I always make that clear. I don't wear my ring on a date, I wear it on a chain with my past wife's. It will always be on me, Yet, I am still open to love.
Yes, talking about things is key. I’m not sure where my relationship with my BF will lead, but I must admit, it’s not always easy bringing up these things even though I try to do things in a caring manner.
At first it was her photos in his home, then dealing with hurtful comments from friends who were having a hard time seeing him with someone else, to more recently the ring which he was wearing on his right hand. Interestingly it seems most of us don’t care where the ring is worn, as Abel says, it’s a sign of the past and a previous commitment.
Abel, perhaps sometime these and other issues can be formatted in a ‘discussion guide?” … though maybe bringing up too many issues could be overwhelming. I did have my BF read a few of your articles in an effort for him to better understand me and know that my feeings were not unique.
For me it all comes down to wanting to be front and center in his eyes and knowing he’s let go of the past.
I tend to agree with a few of the posters who said they would have been uncomfortable with a wedding ring regardless of its location. (Interestingly, I ‘ve never thought about my husband’s first wedding ring’s whereabouts, reading this, it occured to me that I’ve never seen it!)
I guess in most (not all but most) issues that come up related to his former widower status, I use the WWED “What would Elizabeth do” litmus test. If I wouldn’t expect my husband (or BF or fiance) to be comfortable with me wearing the engagement ring and/or wedding band given to me by my ex(and I wouldn’t) then I would expect the same (once we were in a committed relationship.)
This litmus test has served us pretty well over the course of our dating and marriage, and has helped my husband see things from both sides of the fence without things turning into arguments or power struggles. Pictures of LW all over the house? Well, ok, not my preference… are you comfortable with pictures of my ex in the house too then? Refer to LW as “my wife?” in conversations? Only if you’re comfortable with me referring to my ex as “myhusband.” And so on.
I think those types of parallels can help a (former) widower to see how those kinds of behaviors may be hurtful his new GF/wife. B/c I agree, very often I found that my husband had NO IDEA something was bothering me. And in fact, often, the issue wasn’t some big emotional tie to the past, as I had imagined, but rather, something that had been part of his general “landscape” for so long, he no longer really noticed it.. and didn’t realize that I did.
I think Annie and the other posters are spot on… the best thing you can do is talk talk talk about things. Not in an angry or accusatory way, but in a “this is how this makes me feel” way. Like Abel said, someone who is truly committed to you will WANT to do whatever it takes to make YOU feel loved, secure, and first in his heart.
I wore my ring for a while after becoming a widower; it was more a sign that I didn’t want to be hit on. When I started dating, I took it off and placed it with her wedding band and in the safe. The ring has other special values as well since it was my grandfather’s wedding ring for some 50+ years.
I think its OK to put the situation in perspective; how would the widower feel if the woman he was seeing was wearing a wedding ring? Even if it was around her neck?
There’s no way I’d date a widower with a ring on in any location or worse, have a memorial tatoo. I dated a widower for 5 years. I wouldn’t date a divorced man with a ring or tatoo, either. Both signify the person hasn’t moved on or doesn’t want to, imho.
I have a tat, I feel differently than you. You don’t understand the loss, if you have never experienced it. It is not like a divorce. It doesn’t mean that that person doesn’t have the capacity of love….look at it as how much he can be committed if you can be the one???
@Karen. If I had stuck to that rule, I would not be living my dream come true right now. I know my circumstances are unique because it wasn’t truly a first date. He was and is the love of my life and when he came back into my life after 35 years, I had to give him a chance. We also spent months getting to know each other on e-mail before even considering a meeting, so I knew he cared about me. Still, if I had written him off that first day because he was wearing their rings I would not be sharing my life with a man who loves me passionately and totally, as I love him.
I’m not suggesting that every widowed person (with or without rings) is worth risking your heart on, only that sometimes things are not what they seem at first glance and having hard and fast rules about people tends to exclude some who may be worth the risk.
This is Karen from Post No. 5 here, (to distinguish from the other Karen at Post. No. 9).
Wedding rings and memorial tats are tough. But I think Lynn, makes a good point, that “sometimes things are not what they seem at first glance and having hard and fast rules about people tends to exclude some who may be worth the risk.”
As a widower of about 18 months, let me say that this is a subject that I just didn’t think of until my very special friend (of 5 months)mentioned it to me. I still wear my wedding band (left hand) as an indication of the respect and esteem in which I hold my late wife. I don’t consider myself still married, and I think I have and am moving forward. Same goes for photos in the house. I think there is certainly an “argument” to be made for having photos and even a wedding band in the picture of a new relationship. Especially until there is some commitment to another woman. At that point I would indeed expect the band especially to be inappropriate. Divorce, though would probably be a whole ‘nother thing. Fortunately I have a wonderfully understanding and sensitive friend who gently brought this to my attention and I am now considering how to move forward.
Ladies, my final thought would be that don’t be too quick to dismiss a widower because he continues to wear a wedding band in the early stages of a relationship. Think about that perhaps if he is that respectful and committed to a late wife, that he will likely be that committed and respectful to you.
I revisited this site today for the first time in several months and checked my previous post. And thought an update might be helpful.
I began to date about 15 months after my wife of 29 years passed and have now been in a very special relationship with the same woman for just over a year. My girlfriend mentioned my ring and numerous photos after about 5 months. After carefully and prayerfully considering the situation and my feelings as well as those of my dear friend, I put away a number of the photos and moved the others to more private areas of the house. About 4 months ago (5 months after the subject was first raised) I respectfully and solumely removed my ring and put it away forever. I think my girlfriend appreciated the fact that the action was taken when my heart felt ready and wasn’t done simply to please her. There have been a few other progress milestones since then, and the next will probably be to further reduce pictures. I don’t think my friend would have continued our relationship, at least not let it deepen as it has, if I hadn’t displayed progress. It takes time and real deep down emotional progress, but that way I believe it is real and not simply done to further an agenda for either of us.
So again ladies, don’t get too bent out of shape at the presence of a ring or other momentoes early in a relationship. these signs of honor, respect and cherishing are likely good signs that these qualities could be directed toward you. If you don’t see progress over time, then quiet, gentle, loving communication about concerns is certainly in order. If still no progress, probably best to cut your losses, but exiting too soon based simply on things like rings or photos will probably cause you to miss a possible blessing.
I am new here and so happy to have found this site. I started dating a W eight months ago. When I met him, he had his wedding band on his right hand and I really didn’t think much about it or care. His wife had only been gone for 4 months at that time. I also didn’t think much about the wedding pictures on their wall. He has three young kids, so pictures of her will always be around.
However, now that we have been in a relationship for some time, the wedding pictures and the ring are really starting to bother me.
How do you all suggest I even go about discussing this with him?
@Karla — I’d sit down and just let him know how they make you feel now that you’ve been in a relationship for X months. Don’t ask him to take them off, rather, leave that up to him. Sometimes a simple conversation can go a long way. The ring and photos may be like “wallpaper” to the W.
Thanks Abel…that is exactly what I did. I just let him know how they made me feel and he took the wedding pics down and his ring came off a few hours later. He was glad I told him and hadn’t really thought about any of it.
@Karla — Yay! Sounds like they were just there and he hand’t really thought about them. That’s a good sign he’s ready to move on.
My wife died on 11/17 after more than 10 years of illness. I’m certainly not dating, nor ready to move on, but I want to say that if I should meet someone after some period of time I would certainly talk about what I’m feeling, if I’m still wearing the ring or not…If she could not trust me or believe me after we discussed all this, she’s not anyone I’d be interested in anyway.
mark
[...] February 2 | Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings [...]
My wife of 4 years is very thankful she didn’t write me off because I was still wearing my wedding ring. She is mature enough to realize that she could not erase the twenty-six years and three children that I had with my first first wife. We met when I was still emotionally raw from the loss. I wasn’t looking to start a relationship, but God knew I needed someone, first just to talk to about life, and eventually we fell in love.
I put MYwedding ring (the pretty one, with the diamond) on my wife’s finger at our wedding, and she put HERS (the plain gold one) on mine. With these symbols, we vowed to faithfully love, honor, cherish, and protect each other, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer …… UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART.
We kept these vows to each other for 22 years, but my committment to that vow has been released in her passing.
I wore the ring she gave me for about a week after her memorial service, but only because I hadn’t been able to get it off my finger for the past 8 years.
BOTH of our rings hang on a chain, draped over a framed photo of a recent portrait of the 2 of us, taken 3 months before she passed. I believe that this sufficiently honors the committment we made to each other at that time with these lovely symbols.
I believe that a better testament of our committment to each other is made by examining our lives together.
I am so glad I found this site. I’m in my 3rd month dating a widower. He still wears his wedding ring and I don’t like it, but haven’t said anything. His house is HER house. Pictures, shrines, even her beauty products still in the bathroom (she passed 4 years ago); because he has a 13year old and a 7 year old, I have chalked it up to “it’s for them” but it does make me feel uncomfortable being over there. I really don’t know how to approach the subjects (especially considering we’ve discussed marriage, etc I feel I have to), but this site is very reassuring. Thank you Abel.
I have found everyone’s posts helpful. I have been dating a widower for 2.5 months, he has only been widowed for 5 months (was married for 3 months). He wears his wedding ring on his right hand and also a necklace of her fingerprint. At first it did not bother me as I understood he needed time to grieve. In the past few weeks things between us have gotten more serious with talk of marriage and a future together. So everyday the ring and necklace bother me more and more. I feel as if he is not ready to move on despite what he says. I want to say something but do not want to appear insensitive to his need to grieve. I’m not sure how to approach the subject.
I am just starting to date a man who was widowed after many years of a very loving marriage. He still wears his ring. This does not bother me at all; grief is a long, subjective process, and I believe the ring symbolizes how capable he is off deep, lasting love, how good and decent he is, and is also a testament to the remarkable woman his wife must have been. I am already in love with this wonderful man but I believe the ring is his business and not mine. I frankly admire that he continues to wear it.
My wife and I gave up our gold bands for turquoise rings many years ago to mark a significant point in my life. Ten years ago, the stone fell out of the ring, and it would have been impossible for me to find it. With my wife’s agreement, I bought a ring with a Hopi design. So it doesn’t look like a wedding ring but did serve that purpose. My wife died three years ago, and I have continued to use the ring because I like it–but didn’t change ring fingers. Now that I’ve met a woman I like, it’s going off. I’ll look for another ring–on the other hand.