Widower Wednesday: Widowers in the News
August 8th, 2012 | 7 comments
Occasionally readers will send me news stories about widowers. For Widower Wednesday I’ve decided to post and comment on two of the more interesting ones as well as an upcoming TV show.
First a story for those who have to deal with widowers who make frequent trips to the cemetery, here’s one from Alabama.
Jim Davis leaves no doubt about his willingness to do whatever it takes to honor his wife’s dying wish.
Shortly before she died in April 2009 at the age of 66, Patsy Davis let it be known she wanted to be buried in the yard of the rural northeastern Alabama house where the couple raised their five children.
So that’s exactly where Jim Davis laid his wife of “48 years, one month and four days” to rest, even though the city council in Stevenson denied him permission to do it.
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After his wife died, Davis picked out a spot in the front yard and applied to the county health department for the necessary approval. The department ran hydrological tests as required by law and granted his request.
Davis then sought permission from the city council. The council said no.
Davis said he’s the kind of person who doesn’t “take no for an answer.” One morning soon after the council’s refusal, he rented a backhoe and dug the plot anyway.
Read the full story at Yahoo! News.
Apparently burying people in one’s yard is legal in Alabama. If so, then I fully support Mr. Davis’ right to bury his wife in his front yard. Such an action, however, may deter any chances for a serious relationship if he decides to date again.
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On a happier note, here’s proof that widowers can move on again and that the former in-laws can even be supportive of the widower and his new love.
The Connecticut doctor who survived a horrific home invasion that left his two daughters and wife dead remarried on Sunday.
William Petit wed his girlfriend, 34-year-old photographer Christine Paluf, in Simsbury, Conn., and family spokesman Rick Healey told the Associated Press that about 300 people attended the ceremony. The couple had been seeing each other since the summer of 2011, People magazine reported, and they met while Paluf was volunteering for the Petit Family Foundation.
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The family of Petit’s late wife gave the couple their blessings. According to People, the family met Paluf in September 2011, at a birthday party for Petit. When Cindy Hawke-Renn, the sister of Petit’s late wife, learned on New Year’s Eve that they were engaged, she said she was thrilled for the couple. She added that her sister would have been too. “She would have only wished the best for him,” Hawke-Renn said. “That’s just how she was.”
Read the rest at Today and thanks to Kristen for the tip.
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Finally, there’s a new show, Go On, that is showing a preview episode after the Olympics tonight. Matthew Perry plays a radio talk show host who recently lost his wife and is ordered by his boss to undergo therapy. The previews look promising and assuming the show has staying power, I’m guessing they’re eventually going to have the Perry character start dating the lady who runs the therapy sessions.
The show is on too late for me to watch live but I’ll record it and see if it’s any good. If any readers happen to catch the show, I’d be curious as to your thoughts.
You can watch two previews of the show below.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Dr. Petit’s story is one of courage and strenght. Thanks for putting these 2 very different news storys in perspective.
Feeling sorry for the man in the south, seems like there will come a
day when his decsion will seem like a bad idea, probably sooner than later.
Again, Dr. Petit is an amazing person who against all odds shows us what real courage and being able to move on is all about.
I’ve noticed that there are far more news stories romanticizing obsessive behavior by widowers who will never move on after their wife passes than success stories of widowers who have moved on. My stepdaughters would worship their dad if he spent years trying to get their mother buried in the front yard or building a heart-shaped forest for her. This type of behavior is seen as being “love” where William Petit is the true success story and continuing to have real love in his life.
But if you notice in the comments of the People article, there’s someone making allegations about how suspicious his relationship with a volunteer in his organization and if they were together before the murders. That gossip never stops.
Can’t really assume that the guy in Alabama isn’t a perfectly normal person, who maybe is fine with not having another relationship. In the old days, the family plot was on the family property somewhere.
Dating, having a relationship or even remarrying is not the gold standard for having “moved on”. Some widowed do these things. Some don’t. It’s the ones’ who want to be widowed AND in a new relationships at the same time that are the real issues.
Are widowed romanticized in film and story? Probably but that’s more a product of the unwidowed projecting than the reality of being widowed.
My husband and I are watching an AMC show called “Hell On Wheels” and both the male protagonist and the female lead are widowed. Bets on whether they end up together? It’s just part of the vicarious way ppl use story to go places they haven’t been to yet. It’s a lot easier to say what we would or wouldn’t do in any situation than to be in that situation and actually do it.
I respect the choices of both men. Mr. Davis honored his late wife’s wish to be buried at her home and he did all he could to fulfill her dying wish. Dr. Petit endured one of the most traumatic events a human, a husband and a father of two daughters could simultaneously go through both during the incident and in its aftermath (eg. reliving it in the trial years later).
From the outside it is inspiring to see the strength and courage Dr. Petit has demonstrated to go on in life, along with his charity work and his willingness to let life in and to let love back into his life. To me it is disheartening when someone wants to stop living because of life’s traumas. But who is to say Mr. Davis stopped living and no longer lets life in. Perhaps he chooses to be both single and happy?
I also feel it is easy to romanticize another persons situation from the outside, perhaps based upon our own inexperiences or preconceived notions, without really understanding or knowing a person’s true feelings or state of mind. For example, who is to say Mr Davis is happier than Dr. Petit or that Dr. Petit is happier than Mr. Davis or even that one has dealt with his grief better than the other. Happiness is a choice and comes from within. In a relationship you don’t inherit happiness from your partner. Instead you share the happiness you have with your partner. I believe a widower can stay single, continue to honor his late wife and yet still be happy, while another widower may be happier sharing his life with a new love.
Both men were faced with a Y junction in life and each made a choice in how to go on. Neither to me represents who has dealt with his grief better necessarily or who is truly happier from within. They just tell me how each chose to go on.
I do have an issue with a widower’s choice is if he chooses to fall in love with a woman and bring her into his life yet fails to fulfill his responsibility towards caring for and protecting her feelings or when his past life and relationship supersedes his current one in his heart and mind.
I really do respect a widower’s choice in how he chooses to honor the late wife or deal with his grief as long as he does not negatively impact his loved ones. That can be his business alone. Unless of course he chooses to bring an innocent heart or an unsuspecting soul into the equation, such as a wow or gow, because then the formula changes and it becomes their business.
The supportive and kind words from his first wife’s family are beautiful and hopefully what we would all want for each of our family members who is faced with adversity. It takes great resilience to pick yourself up from the rubble. Each of us deserves happiness in life, even when we are occasionally steered off course. After all, life is beautiful, valuable, and finite gift and should not be wasted. We have to also remember that life will go on no matter what and that it is a journey, not a destination. We have to endure its experiences, both good and bad, so why not make the most of it.
On another note I am looking forward to Matthew Perry’s new show as well.
After reading the articles, it seems the man in Alabama knows himself well and is content with having one wife in one lifetime. Maybe his actions have something to do with the length of his marriage, 48 years, and he would have made a different decision, had he a marriage half as long, with children still at home.
If I presume that Dr Petit has wholeheartedly moved forward, as his remarriage would suggest, then honoring his late wife and children, albeit in a different way, played a healing role. This Petit Family Foundation exists as a memorial, front and center, and his new wife presumably loves both him and it.
Yes, the goal of grief is to embrace life and love again. Whereas some may be happier (or comfortable?) with a tidy wrap up, grief is hard work and untidy. I’m as frustrated with the pace and shape grief takes as the unwidowed are. I’m curious if Matthew Perry’s new show will honor the hard work that goes into putting death and loss in perspective so the widowed can lighten up and move on. If it has me laughing, it will be because I realize “ohhh, I’ve been there, I so get it”, and not because he hops into bed with his group therapist.
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