Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Ultimatums
August 1st, 2012 | 6 comments
At least once a week I’ll get an email from a woman who’s reached a breaking point with their widower she’s dating. She’s so frustrated they wonder if the best way to either move things forward or bring things to a head is to give the widower an ultimatum to change or end things once and for all.
For example one woman described the promise after promise that her widower made about removing photos from his living room and kitchen so he could feel more comfortable when she visited. Despite repeated promises the photos remained on the wall and she was ready to leave and wanted to know if an ultimatum would be the best way to get him to remove the photographs.
Ultimatums usually do more harm than good to relationships. Yes, there’s a time and a place for them but I usually only recommend them when you reached a point when you’re willing to walk away from the relationship forever. Instead of giving ultimatums, it’s better to recognize the red flag and other warning signs that widower isn’t ready to move on and start a new life with you. Why put yourself through months or years of agony with someone who’s not willing to change?
Widowers who are ready to love again will treat you like the center of their universe. Though there may be moments and times of frustration, you should learn how to communicate with each other and work through widower (and other issues) together and so you can make your relationship stronger.
But if you’ve reached a breaking point with the widower you’re dating, there are a couple things to consider before taking such drastic step:
- Don’t give anyone an ultimatum unless you’re actually going to follow through with it. So, if you’re ultimatum is something like “Take all the photos down by Saturday or I’m never setting foot in the house again” then you need to have the resolve never set foot in his house again if the photos don’t come down by the deadline. If he keeps the photos up, you end up back in his house sometime after the deadline, then the widower will know that you’re a paper tiger and won’t take you seriously next time you ask for something. You’ve proven that he can do whatever he wants and there won’t be consequences.
- Sometimes ultimatums backfire. Let’s say you tell the widower he has to remove the late wife’s clothes from the closet or the relationship is over. The widower may simply shrug his shoulders and decide that he’d rather keep the clothes instead of you and end the relationship right then and there. You have to be fine with that outcome as well or else you’re setting yourself up for some early heartbreak.
Again, you’re better off knowing when a widower isn’t ready to move on and end things earlier. But if that’s simply not an option at this point, be prepared for any and all possible fallout that comes from such a heavy-handed tactic.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
That’s why it is always better to put your cards on the table when things are looking like they are getting serious. That way, no one is surprised when it seems like suddenly pictures, rude adult children or memorial toothbrushes become a problem.
It doesn’t surprise me that so many women stay quiet about things that seriously bother them in the beginning b/c I was that way myself when I was a single girl long ago, but somewhere along the way, I learned to voice my expectations and my “this won’t fly” list and relationships got a lot easier.
Ultimatums are often great ways to break relationships off but they aren’t particularly useful for jump-starting communication and change.
Good point Annie,
and before the ultimatums are needed
the advice above is excellent
look for the red flags early
and if they are present, and it is stuff
that is not acceptable or deal breakers
it is time to walk, without looking back.
Well said, Annie. If there are things in your relationship that “deserve” an ultimatum, and you know you just can’t go along with things as they are, it’s probably best to walk away from the relationship. Giving ultimatums or deadlines for certain things to be done don’t really do anything but cause sore spots. It may work for getting a teenager to clean up his bedroom–but let’s face it, as soon as the room gets messy again, it’s ultimatum time again. Unless there is a real motive to change, an ultimatum just puts the hard decision off for a time. I like Annie’s “this won’t fly” list as a way to express one’s self. And if you put your “won’t fly” items out there and they are ignored or brushed off as something to deal with later, or as not important, you have your answer. Things don’t get easier as time goes by, the list just gets longer.
You said it so well. If a widow/ widower is ready to love again, he/she/I will treat the other like the center of the universe. And if he/she/I’m not ready, red flags will abound, and the relationship will limp along. At least mine did. For a while it was good enough for both of us. Since I was so hungry, a half loaf was better than none at all.
The only ultimatum I needed this time was about my own behavior, not his. He is what he is, or was what he was. At a certain point I stopped eating his half loaf when I realized I need and deserve the whole loaf. Even my friends said, enough was enough, so that helped. Still, I did the yo-yo thing until I finally pulled out for good. This whole episode has me looking in the mirror – was I giving my whole loaf to him? The answer was no, because he wasn’t the right guy, and I’m not ready. I’m one of these people who believes that when I’m ready, the person who is also ready will appear.
I like what Abel and Annie said about putting our needs out there when a relationship starts to get serious. So what if he’s rolling his eyes at all this ‘relationship’ talk. A little self love, you know?
I am new to this, so please bear with me. I have been dating a widower for 8 months now and we had talked extensively about his 1st wife who he divorced but he didn’t mention a whole lot about his 2nd wife who passed away from cancer. I just recently found out that she passed 2 months before we started dating. From our conversations though – I was under the impression that it was more like 2 years vs. 2 months. There are pictures of her all over the house as well as a bunch of her belongings. Our relationship has gotten somewhat serious as we both have children (his from his 1st marriage) and everyone has met, but I am wondering if there is a way to talk to him about not being constantly reminded or surprised by finding her things or their memories together. I have thought long and hard and I don’t believe it is jealousy more like the fact that I would like to understand and not be in the dark on what is expected in a situation like this.
[...] the problems (and ultimatums) usually arise when the widower doesn’t want to move forward and start a new life. Problems [...]