Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Hookers
October 19th, 2011 | 11 comments
Note: As many of you know the order for personalized copies of Dating a Widower have overwhelmed supply. My latest shipment of books has finally arrived and all orders have now been fulfilled. Thanks to everyone for your patience. This time I ordered enough extra copies to meet deman for the next several weeks so if you order one, it will ship within 48 hours.
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From the email inbox comes the following:
I’ve been dating a widower for a couple months now. I recently learned that while his wife as on her deathbed he was posting online ads soliciting sex. After her death he “dated” a few high-end escorts. He said he was grieving, lonely, and didn’t want a relationship. The other day it came to my attention that during our relationship he has sought out other escorts though I don’t know if he’s met up with any. Is this normal grieving widower behavior? He’s a great guy and very generous. I am hesitant to confront him but am very concerned for my physical health. Any ideas on how to bring this up?
No, soliciting prostitutes not normal grieving widower behavior. I know a lot of widowers and to my knowledge none of them have had to pay women for sex. They may have rushed into relationships before they were to get serious, but they weren’t out throwing money high end escorts or paying $20 street hookers on some seedy part of town either. Your BFs thing for hookers has nothing to do with grief and everything to do with sex. He’s using grief to justify his actions.
The fact that he cheated on his dying wife and might be cheating on you makes me think that this isn’t something he’s just been doing recently. He’s probably been soliciting sex a long before his wife got sick. Odds are he’ll continue to solicit sex (and probably meet up with them occasionally) even if becomes “serious” with you. The question for you is would you tolerate this kind of behavior from a guy who was single or divorced? If not, why are you putting up with it now?
Finally, high class escorts can carry the same STDs as street hookers. By tolerating this behavior you’re putting your physical health at risk every time you sleep with him. So unless you want to get an STD, or something worse, stop sleeping with him immediately. The widower may be a great guy in lots of other ways, but is getting the latest strain of something really worth it?
So how do you broach the subject? Confront him with whatever evidence you have. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be sure your stuff is packed up ahead of time. Odds are he’ll admit his misdeeds and promise to change but all cads are good at acting contrite when necessary. You’re a queen. You can do better than someone who needs to sleep with hookers.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Amen!
After my W boyfriends LW died, his niece (her brother’s daughter) moved in with him to help. He later told me that he missed the scent of a woman so badly; he used to take her underwear that shed leave in the laundry room. I’m not sure what goes through these W’s minds. I figure they are in need of sex but the Hooker thing is really pushing it. I was esp. surprised that my W did this considering he got mad and defensive when I told him, “nobodies perfect, not even his LW.
He holds the LW on such a pedestal that I don’t know how he would disrespect her by acting perverted toward her younger niece. My opinion is that men can separate sex and love easily.
That underwear thing is on the creepy side.
Didn’t want to be the first to point that out but – yeah.
Yeah here too. I guess you don’t mind that W acted perverted like that and you feel you can trust him now.
This is NOT a grief/widower thing….it is an issue with this man that, like Abel stated, he was probably doing throughout his marriage to LW. Having been married to a man that I found out had similiar “issues” (and divorcing him for many reasons, including that one) I say RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! Leopards don’t change their spots…even tho he is a great guy in many other ways, this one won’t change and you will always be wondering if he is hiding something – or someone(s).
I totally agree – RUN! I moved in with my W, found he still was on sites, including AFF.com (Adult Friend Finders). This is a site for people to find people to have sex with. One day I was looking at his pics on the computer and I found one of his penis. Way before this I asked him to not do it any more and he told me that now that he found me he didn’t need to, I had a “gut” feeling so I logged on pretending to be someone else and I found his profile. He denied being on there even though the site said he was on 30 minutes ago. He did tell me long after that he cheated on his previous GF and he felt it was wrong and cut it off. But he lied when I asked if he cheated on her, I asked him because I read a letter to her that was on he computer, telling her he was sorry he cheated and he didn’t know what has become of him. I’m friends with him now but I don’t let him touch me. When I lived with him and his 16 year old daughter there were clothes left around that were not hers nor mine. He would also take days off work and not tell me. I found out because his kids would ask how his day off was. He told me he and his wife slept in separate rooms – he slept on the couch. When I lived with him he would leave the bed and sleep on the couch. I caught him on the computer and he said he was paying bills – yeah – at 1am? And I was too insecure at that time to ask him to take off the naked pics the women sent to him. I’m not experienced in relationships.
It’s amazing what ppl will use grief to justify. But Abel is correct. Widowed ppl – men or women – do not suddenly develop odd behaviors that most ppl would question. Widowhood doesn’t make you crazy or insensitive or amoral or deviant or anything.
Any tragedy has the potential to magnify character issues or existing problems, but I haven’t run across a case where widowed developed them just b/c of their loss.
I will admit to joining online dating sites very early….about a month after my wife died. I even went to meet one of the women. But I was a puddle of emotional mess over coffee and left after about 20 minutes.
While we all agree that there is no “normal” for grieving…some actions fall so far out from the bell curve that other factors must be at play. I agree with Abel that this is behavior that was probably well established long before his wife became ill.
As far as needing touch and affirmation of being alive, I started going to my massage therapist every week. My wife had gone to the same person, so it was helpful twofold: I received touch from a person that I trust, and was also able to talk about my wife with someone that knew her. I tell you, the emotions and tears flowed freely those first dozen sessions, and my massage therapist handled it very well.
-Ish
wanderoke.blogspot.com/
I think that most widowers go through the withdrawal of having someone to touch and talk to. I think you handled it in a good way.
He is not a “great guy.”. He is a trick. I am not sure what you mean by saying he is generous, but perhaps he feels that if he is “paying” you with gifts then he is staying emotionally detached the way he would with an escort.
His excuse for calling escorts while he was alone was that he was “lonely and did not want a relationship.”. Well, he is no longer lonely and is in some sort of relationship with you, so what is his excuse now?
My advice is to run for the hills. This is not W behavior. It is ILLEGAL behavior, and dangerous behavior.