Widower Wednesday: Opening Your Heart
July 20th, 2011 | 33 comments
Last week I wrote about the aggravating push/pull characteristics that women experience in some widower relationships. This week I’m going to suggest three things that can help widowers make room in their heart for the new woman. Keep in mind the ideas below are simply suggestions. What worked for me may not work for you. However, if you’re serious about dating again and entering into a committed relationship, then you owe it to yourself and the woman you’re dating to open your heart to her instead of pushing her away and pulling her back every other day.
- Pick a time to grieve – Widowers who start dating within two years of their wife’s death are usually still grieving. So it helps if you can find a specific time to vent, cry, or do whatever is necessary to get feelings of sadness or anger out of your system. After Krista died, I went running every morning. It was the only time of day I allowed myself to focus on her, her suicide, and what I was going to do with my life. Some mornings I swore under my breath for the entire run. Others I came home with tears frozen to my cheeks. Sometimes those runs were downright miserable. However, the benefit of this was I was able to function more or less normally the rest of the day. I could focus on work, other activities, and any relationships I was involved in at the time. Find a place and time of day where you can be alone, then do whatever you need to feel better. It makes it a lot easier to enjoy the rest of the day and open your heart to someone else when you’re not down in the dumps all day.
- Embrace Change and Take Advantage of New Opportunities – Life isn’t static. Every day we learn to adapt to change and take on new opportunities. When a spouse dies, it alters the course of our life forever. But it also opens new doors that will take us on new adventures. In every way my life is better than it was 10 years ago. Why? Because I took advantage of the opportunities that arose. When I fell in love again, I got married. When I had a chance to have a family, buy a new home, move far away, start a new job, write a couple of books, I did all of those too. Life didn’t come to a screeching halt 10 years ago. It just changed. And I took advantage of those changes and now I’m a million times happier. Look at your life now that it’s different. Where would you like your life to be in 10 years? What new opportunities and adventures are awaiting you? Are you taking advantage of them or wishing that life could go back to the way it was?
- Losing a Spouse is Nothing New – Grief is all in your head. Even though we think the world’s going to end—it’s not. Losing people we love, including spouses, is part of life. Yes, death of a spouse can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience and I’m not trying to minimize that. However, millions of people lose a spouse every year. Billions of people have experienced the same thing since they were put on the Earth. You’re not going through something people haven’t gone through before. Most people learn how to deal come out better for it. Some of them even remarry and have successful relationships. Quit being selfish and thinking no one understands what you’re going through. Open your eyes and realize how lucky you are to be alive and have the chance to open your heart to someone else. There are people that go their entire lives without finding that special someone. Think how blessed you really are if you can find two wonderful people.
So, widowers, there’s three things to think about. I’d also love to see widowers share with others in section that has helped you open your heart to someone else. For the women reading this, what are things you’ve seen your widower do that have helped him open his heart. I’ll post some of the better comments up here for everyone to read.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Abel – I posted about a week ago on facebook about my discussion with my W. I finally broke down and told him how very hard it was to date a widower. This was especially true when the love of his LW was constantly in front of both me and him. I talked about his wedding band, his cellphone wallpaper, the stuffed animals in his vehicles, and her pictures everywhere. I told him that it was impossible for his love for me to grow as long as these things were in front of him constantly reminded him of what he had lost. He apologized to me and told me that he didn’t have a clue. The next morning, he put his wedding band away, the next week he changed his cell phone wall paper to one of me, and now he is looking into trading in both of the vehicles that were so much a part of their lives together. He is also remodeling the house and yard for possible sale (We haven’t really discussed that one) .
Sounds like you did the right thing, Carolyn. Sometimes Ws don’t know that stuff like makes the GOW feel. Glad you were able to talk to him and work through it. There’s a lot of problems that can be solved simply by talking to the W about it.
Carolyn, his cell phone was not the only thing that had wallpaper. All that other stuff had become wallpaper in his everyday life. Men are creatures of habit. Men are loath to change.. Widowers are men. It is good you brought these things to light.
Abel, I love that create a time to grieve. Learning WHEN to deal with difficult issues is hard for everyone and I have used the very same technique dealing with other things. My walking time was all that I would allow those negative things to take up my head. Eventually it all passes. I think the world would be a happier place if we could learn to do this and have a clear head the rest of the day for work and family and new relationships.
I think shrinks call having time to grieve Compartmentalizing (or something like that). Whatever it’s called it’s very effective. Glad it worked for you in other situations too.
Abel – I think you’re WAY too harsh with #3. Grief is unique to each person, so it is completely true that no one understands what the W is going through. I do think almost everything you say in #3 is insensitive and definitely minimalizing what W’s go through. I’m a widow, and I feel completely attacked, hurt and put on the defensive by what you say in #3.
To me the comments (#3) say that some people use their grief to say that “I am so unique in my grief that no one else can understand it / me” and isolate themselves using that as an excuse to do so.
That emotional isolation doesn’t allow people to move forward with a life that has to change in order to progress and grow. Separating oneself in emotional isolation doesn’t allow for old relationships to mature into deeper ones and new relationships to begin.
While I think that people can experience a mixture of aspects that is their own ‘grief story’ everyone experiences a lot of the same things during grief. The 5 Stages of grief come to mind. Whatever one’s story, we all find ourselves in some pattern of it.
The aloneness of being unique is in our heads, no matter what the issue is or the loss, it is the battle in our own minds that we have to win first before we can win it in the one outside of our heads. Admitting that we are not so unique that no one will understand ANYTHING we are going through allows us to break the barrier of isolation and reach out to those who will understand SOME of what we are going through.
@ Emily Lee, I think there is so much truth and wisdom in what you’ve said above.
Pam,
Please keep in mind the context of my advice in this column. It’s to widowers who are dating again and in a committed relationship and (perhaps) having difficulty opening their hearts to the woman they’re dating. In order to put the new woman in the #1 spot, they need to accept that fact that loss and moving on is simply part of life. If they can’t do that, then opening their heart to another is going to be very difficult.
While it may be true that every widow/widower may experience grief in their own unique way, that’s does not excuse them from treating the new love in their life like #2. I say this as someone who used my grief as an excuse to treat a woman I dated (not MG) like crap. When used in this context, grief is very isolating and selfish and not good for a new relationship a wiodwer be involved in. Widowers who are able to realize that their experience is simply part of life have an easier time moving on and starting a new life with someone else.
I meant “Pam” – sorry
@Pam – My W mentioned to me that he wanted to put his LW’s guestbook under glass equipped with a light. At the time I thought I loved him so I told him “If it is right to you, do it.” He hasn’t yet but we are not together because I never felt that he put me in the place of GF because after 4 years he is still hooked and can’t let her rest,
Erikal, the spotlight should be on YOU, especially after 4 years since LW’s departure. You need a man who can, in a methaphor, romance you and wine and dine you with “pheasant under glass”, not a guestbook under glass. This fellow is actually talking about really building a shrine. In the living room or den? Bedroom? Incandescent lamp spotlight, CFB or halogen? Low voltage wiring or standard 120? Plexiglass or safety-glass? I am being silly, but there’s a point—-the details I just listed are indeed things that have to be considered in planning and staging such a display, right? Takes thought and energy. So where’s the thought and energy for YOU and the current relationship????
…when my W opened his heart to me, i was very careful not to close it back up by responding in jealousy. …it is so hard to listen to your W when you hear the love he had for his LW in his voice. …i still do not believe i will ever be loved that much, but that is something one should keep to themselves and work out on their own.
…something Widower’s should know is that the GOW is dealing with Survivor’s guilt as well. …the GOW is thinking that they got you by default, otherwise you (W) would still be married to the LW. …that in itself is very very hard to deal with at times.
…GOW’s need to be careful not to become the W counselor, but refer the W to a professional, objective third-party because there are some subjects I just don’t want to discuss.
…Blessings
I don’t think GOW’s or WOW’s should be upset that they “got the W by default”. You are right…if the LW didn’t pass away, they would most likely be with her and not with you. But by the same token, you would also be with someone else!! It’s all how the chips fall.
@Paula – really, if your W loved you, that is something that you should feel deep in your heart and not have any doubt that you are #1 in the present time. I feel your comments deep within my own heat. I am only friends with my W now because I have heard so much about LW, so many stories about good times and the the hospital. She died of stomach cancer within a month of being diagnosed. I believe not every widower dwells on the past and that some seriously think about putting the past behind them and starting over,
I, too, feel like I will never be number one and agree with not discussing it but sad to come to that realization. Would never recommend or be involved with a W again.
Very good reading this week. #3 is very valuable yet I see how a widower would disagree. Its so easy to use as an excuse to get yourself out of a relationship because you are grieving. Just blame the other person for not understanding. Reality its just a widowers way of saying they don’t want to make someone #1 and are still grieving. I needed to realize this on my own, no one can convince a widower. Ironically like you said in point #1. It took 2 years.
Is #2 specific to widowers? OR is it just a behavior in general. It definitely is a way that most people associate to widower is showing progress. It shows a widower has created a new life as an individual vs being a couple.
No matter what, this is a great reading for any widower who is struggling with their heart. Ultimately that person has to accept its okay to move forward. No article, friend, new girl/boy friend, family will make a person move forward
Glad you enjoyed it.
#2 can apply to anyone but I put it in here because often after a W looses a spouse they have a hard time adjusting to life without the late wife. Moving on and enjoying new adventures doesn’t have to include remarrying (and I didn’t mean it to come across that way)–that was one of the adventures that came my way.
THanks Abel for clarifying your stance. I fully agree its something the widower has to adjust to in his.her daily life. I know I struggled the first year to do things for me ONLY and was still thinking for TWO. It took me two years to change that behavior and just go out and do things for ME. I compared it to before I was married and thinking of doing things for ONE. It took me a while to adjust to that change too! Widowers are different though because its not just habit, its the guilt, grief, and comfort …etc.
@Michael, the W I was with used to go to Big Boy with the family and hadn’t been there since she passed away. As the “therapist” in the relationship, I suggested we go there for dinner with his daughter and granddaughter. W used to work there. No introductions for me. However, when W went to the salad bar a waitress asked where LW was. She cried because that was “their place” to go. I tried to get him to go places they used to go to and it turned out horrible. What was crazy to me is that I was invisible, I lived with him for a while and he introduced me to his neighbors as a “friend.”
BTW – when we went to Big Boy it was three years after LW passed.
One thing I kept doing over and over again the first year was buying too much food at the grocery store. I was so used to buying food for two. I ended up throwing a lot of food away because I couldn’t eat it all.
@Erikal…I think your situation is exactly why Abel writes what he does. I think as W I didn’t realize I was even doing things til they were “Called out” to me. I was scared to introduce people as to what they might think…now 2 1/2 years later most people just want me to be happy. Ultimately a widower has to please themself and not worry about what it means to friends/family/past family. My family is very supportive.
@Abel – that is sort of funny you kept buying extra food. I know the grocery store routine for me was rough at first as I bought so many things for her because she needed fatty foods to maintain weight to qualify for a lung transplant. I would be quite a large man if I kept buying Ben & Jerry’s and half and half.
Abel and D Michael…funny, my habit had to do with food, too. Not purchasing too much (as I still had the boys at home and we needed a full fridge) but the cooking and prep. I found myself almost calling out to LW to ask her where a particular pot or utensil was or what the next step might be in a dish we had prepared together in which I found myself ‘going it alone’. Funny. I would chuckle. No tears whatsoever. At first I thought I was a little looney (like Scarlett O’Hara’s father stating very clearly that they needed to consult Mrs. O’Hara, his dead wife, on how to save Tara). But it was just a human foible and I actually began to welcome such harmless everyday things into my grief process. Sort of made me feel good that I could chuckle instead of feel sadness..
Abel,
For personal reasons this particular blog seems to be written just for me. Your suggestions are sound like good ones, practical ones for anyone who has experience a loss of a loved — even if that loss was from a breakup or divorce. Unfortunately my widower has chosen to continue his “push and pull” game paying behavior. I has chosen to no longer tolerate it.
Good for you, Aubery.
My W too has continued after a year to play push/pull. He says he wants to be with me now for the rest of his life. He said he won’t marry me though, but he married LW. Where does that put me …… I also recently suggested that perhaps after 2 years he should think about doing something with her facebook account as bizarely I keep getting suggestions from facebook to add her as a friend! How long should one leave these things before dealing with them. Or should they be left there as a memorial forever?
Polly, do you want to marry the W? If so, the fact that he doesn’t want to get married means you have different ideas of where the relationship should be going. IMO it’s puts you on a second tier since the W was willing to marry the LW but not you.
Also I wrote some info on the LW Facebook page awhile back. You can read it at http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/the-late-wife-facebook-page/
@Polly, do you think in some wierd way that he thinks if he marries you that it will “jinx” the relationship and make him more prone to losing you? my H swears that if something happens to me–and with my imminent deployment to Afghanistan, that’s become a discussion topic more often than normal these days–that he will NOT remarry again. I’m his third marriage, he was married briefly when young that ended in divorce and then was married 17 years to his LW. I’ve told him that he’s in no way bound to keep to that “promise” and he’s free to change his mind should that happen. But I can see his perspective–after losing not just one spouse but two, it would be too much for him. Maybe….As far as FB goes, well, I don’t know if there’s an option to turn it into a Group page or some other similar thing so it doesn’t show up as a real live person that one can “friend”. I’d check into that though. Relieved that I don’t have to deal with that particular quirk as we both joined FB just a few years ago, well post-LW’s passing.
Thank you Beth for your comments, the FB idea is a good one but I don’t think it would be something he would go for. I think he will probably just see it as me trying to eradicate his LW’s memory. As far as marriage is concerned I think he has simply lost faith in marriage and therefore it is no longer important to him. However, marriage to me is important and so I can only wait a while to see if things change or decide to move on and find someone with the same ideals.
Great topic once again Abel. To your question, what have we obbserved our widowers do that has enabled them to love again?
1. My fiancé took a new job and moved to a new town an hour away. It was hard to leave his home and son (then in college) but the change in environment was good and his career is happily thriving.
2. He realized early on that life after his 1st wife’ death would be different. He saw that inevitability as an opportunity to try new things. He was very open to change.
3. He stayed connected to family and old friends while seeking out new ones.
4. He spent time alone and learned how to be content as a single person. I especially admired this. I have spent a lot of years of my adulthood contentedly on my own so to make room for another person i must be confident that it make my life even better.
Yes, the ‘push-pull’ is a great topic. I had not thought about it until last week. Just as I thought things were going well and we were making progress as a couple, my BF needed to be hospitalized for a few days. It never crossed my mind that I would not be there by his side. All of a sudden he let me know I was not family and I was not his wife. We’ve been together a year; it was most painful. Is that because he still sees LW as his wife? He later said he regretted the comment and wanted me to be with him (which I was).
Still… I keep wondering can he let her go and me into his heart. He says he has, but the ‘push-pull’ makes me reevaluate things…..
I doubt that it was b/c he sees LW as his active wife. Being in the hospital reminds ppl that they are not invincible. He was more likely reacting to the stress of the moment.
Don’t read “dead wife” into everything. It’s probably not the case and you’ll just make yourself crazy. And if you really want answers, ask him.