Widower Wednesday: Moody Holiday Widowers
November 24th, 2010 | 7 comments
Thanks to everyone who sent in their holiday widower questions. I’m working on answering them all of them personally while addressing the most common topics on the blog.
By far the most frequent holiday that found its way to my inbox was about widowers who get sad, depressed, or moody during the holiday season. One woman wrote that she was dating a man who had been widowed for two years and felt like the entire holiday season was going to be spoiled because he’s become more distant and doesn’t want to participate in planned holiday activities.
I want to have empathy for these widowers. I really do. I know that holidays can feel empty without their wife by their side. I couldn’t wait for my first Christmas without her to be over because all I could think about was that she wasn’t around.
The problem is that these widowers have willingly become involved in a committed relationship. If they’re willing to commit to someone, they need to man up and make the holiday season enjoyable for the new woman in their life. That might mean trying out a new tradition, spending a day with her friends and family, or just enjoying some alone time with the new woman. It doesn’t mean sitting at home sulking or becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative.
My gut says that widowers in a committed relationship who become overly withdrawn during the holidays or other special occasions aren’t ready to move on. Talk to the widower about what’s bugging him, but unless he can find the strength to man up and make you number one, plan on having more holidays and special occasions ruined.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
You read a lot about this so-called situational grief stuff in the blogs and on message boards. People grimacing through the holiday season or letting themselves by swept up in the anniversary periods surrounding their spouses deaths. I don’t doubt that this happens to people in the first year, but it’s not an inevitable. We have more control over our moods and attitudes than that ,and it’s not healthy to let yourself descend into misery every time there’s a holiday or for a few weeks once a year simply because someone died. It’s not like the world revolves around us individually. You have to wonder if widowed like this weren’t always selfish and their widowhood just gives them cover now.
But those who are in relationships and are still indulging in this aren’t ready to be in relationships. A relationship implies give and take on both sides. While the non-widowed gf needs to be empathic when grief comes up, she has the right to expect her widoweded bf to suck it up and deal too.
I think too that some people use their widowhood to control the pace, tone and parameters of relationships. Their “grief” gives them the upperhand and the other partner is always in the wrong and therefore having to “make it up” to them by not insisting on things that are important to them.
And then there is the “he’s just not into”. A guy who loves you, is going to put on a happy face and fall over himself trying to make your holiday special regardless of how he might be reacting to the holiday inside.
I don’t know, I agree with you if it’s an extreme situation, but we all get pretty intense around the holidays and widowed people aren’t the only ones getting depressed or touchy. Death is far from the only thing that ruins Thanksgiving dinners.
I think your advice is pretty harsh. Couldn’t you say that a new partner might allow a little room for their other partner to have some time alone, or do a special ritual if that makes sense? I mean, folks ask for that stuff all the time for all sorts of other reasons.
Aren’t 80% of the holiday grumpies pretty manageable one of these ways (or by staying home)? (Though I agree that if someone wants to stay home for the entire day and night, they probably shouldn’t be in a serious relationship.)
I’m also understanding why Dear Abby uses very specifically worded questions as her cases: there’s a world of difference between allowing someone to acknowledge a spirit during Grace and letting them ruin everyone else’s holiday. I presume you’d give different advice for both, and also consider the relationship implications different?
My 2c, as ever.
X
Supa
@Annie — Agree 100%. People who are ready to move on, don’t have these issues. They find a way to work through it.
@Supa — I probably should have been more clear in my post but I’m talking about widowers who go into a shell or become overly sad during the holidays–not those who may have a hard time for a moment or two but still find a way to enjoy the holiday season with their partner. (That’s what I get for writing this post past bedtime.)
Yes, 80% holiday issues can be solved with some sort of ritual or a short period of time alone. Most women dating widowers are understanding and can deal with that. However, most the email I get is from women who are, IMHO, dating widowers who aren’t ready to move on — hence the reason they contact me. Most of these emails aren’t about a widower tearing up at some special memory–instead it’s having the entire holiday season ruined because the widower goes into some prolonged mourning period.
I’ve been in a relationship with a widower for 8 months now. Things have been amazing until this fall, particularly until just a few weeks ago before Thanksgiving. He started distancing himself, shutting me out, and engaging in some activities that seem very unlike him.
Normally, he has treated me so wonderfully…sweet texts during the day, telling me how much he loves me, doing nice things for me and to help, planning meals for us, always talking about things he wants to do with me. Really, he’s been the man of my dreams in so many ways. However, right before Thanksgiving he really started acting poorly…really nice one day, then on a dating website the next but not telling me. But then telling me he really does love me and wants to just be with me and make us work. I feel for him, I really do, but there’s only so much I can take.
After Thanksgiving, he’s been back to his wonderful self and my amazing guy again this week. I’ve never been so crazy for a man in my life…it’s wild. Do you have any suggestions on how I can be more patient and better communicate with him but not allowing him to treat me disrespectfully? The latter has only recently occurred. My natural temperament isn’t helping…sometimes I react and assume the worst rather than slowing down and waiting until he’s less stressed to talk.
Thanks for your insight!
Hi,
The guy I am daing carries a small container of his late wife ashes in the glove box, I stumbled on them when he asked to to get a lighter out of the glove box, he holds them in a plastic match holder (waterproof) container. I picked it up, said what’s this? it had a letter B penned on it, I almost opened it looking for what he was wanting. I had no idea, we were on our FIRST official date, hiking on the bluffs over the coast… after he told me it was HER, the B is her first name initial.. and he brought her in case he wanted to sprinkle some of her where we hiked, but he realized he had taken her there before. My inital response, was OMG I almost opened it, thank God you said something… I never to this day have spoken how it really felt… and we are going on 2 months, this is all new to me, and to him. 28 yrs married to her, died 3 yrs ago… he became her caretaker with a horrible illness. I am 48 him 55. Ok so how it made me feel. First I was so sad, that he brought ashes something so private on our first date, that he really is either insensitive or that grieving. Which I think he is a bit of both. But… this was our first date. I barely know him, I have no idea what or how to bring up my feelings. Let it go. Now, for the rest, so far in 2 months and we see each other 4 times a week… he has shown signs of including me in his life. He takes Tai Chi wiht me, he met my oldest adult child, (not introducing him to any of my other children or grandchildren until I know I am going to be in the long term) He took me to meet his daughter to a nice dinner (she is 24) feedback was very positive, dinner was good, no talk of “her” at all. Now besides that night EVERY single time we are together he speaks of her, memory of taking her someplace, this and that about what she made him to eat. What she wore… I stay the night and sometimes he talks about their intimacy. One time it was in detail about him missing her… I wanted to leave right then, but its getting less… so I thought. Yesterdsay, LAST night, after we had “been together” and were going to sleep he broke her up and how making love to her one night had happened and how he felt, etc, and then when I rolled over as I could no longer Hold him close, hearing this (which is so weird, I feel bad for feeling BAD) but I really just didn’t want to hear it, and I also didn’t want to cry.. when I rolled over he said SHE used to push me away and say you are so so so hot, and then she would put one foot on me for security. oh how i miss this… and he put his foot on me. Then, he told me details of what she wore to bed everynight. OK. I just said WOW< we are so different, must be really hard for you to get used to a new woman in your life. And then I said something about what I like and want in life… and he was silent nothing.
Today we went to a casino… and he talked about her the whole way there. I tried to relate some experinece with Grief that I have had, NOW he doesn't share his pain (only did that once with me, and we both cried) since than its as if she is still alive and he takes me with him to relive her life But, I am nearing not being able to do it! EXCEPT I do see signs that is moving on. Friends are meeting me, he went from saying "my wife" to saying She or Her, or her first name… now if he can just limit the story telling to one day a week… I went on with him today to tell him about my twin granddaughters death coming up dec 6th it will be 9 years, and that I don't speak of them except on that day, and ocasionally if someone asks me something or I am talkiing to my son, but I am healed from that loss (if there are such a thing) Dec. 6th date of birth and death, both girls. So my son and his wife and their 3 sons spend that day buying a tree and decorating it. I shared the first time we had to deal with getting rid of furniture, and how i replaced the whole where two cribs were and 2 highchairs waiting for the girls to come home, in the living room just opened from the baby shower… when they were ready for that stuff to go, I took it to a domestic violence shelter and donated it and then my dad and i bought the biggest tree and all ornaments and hot chocolate and dropped it in that spot where all the baby stuf was… and left them to decorate. NOw every Dec. 6th they celebrate alone with their little family the angels, and buy the tree, and decorate together, peacefully and quietly honoring their day! No big drama, as they grandsons know that it's big sisters day, and tree day! And it's a beautiful day!
he barely listened to me, i was so upset. I shared my hope and sorrow and he said yah, well you are emotional. I said I had to go to counseling. I had never dealt with this stuff before. It was my 20 yr old son and his 20 yr old wife first borns! Twin girls! Devestating. Well, he got really mad then said I will NEVER go to counseling and he went on driving road rage on people righ tup on their bumper (anger showing from this very kind man) he obviously can't let her go? OR is this something that will in time ease up. I am his first girlfriend, he dated a few times but noone ever wants to go out longer, I can imagine, how my first date was, what someone not as compassionate OR co-dependent as me would think… I am really needing some feedback, I am sad for him, it's only been 3 yrs, his kids are adults they are doing great, he seems to have alot of friends, it is only with me, that he shares – I would prefer if he shared DEEPLY but no he shares the stuff that made him happy and think about her, and remind himself of her, maybe he feels guilty? I asked him do you want to buy each other gifts this xmas but since we only dating a little over2 months, I wante dto see what we want to do? and wanted his input, he changed the subject, I said hey did you hear my question, no answer and he went on to talk about something on TV.. I'm losing my hope that i am of any help. It's so early I have no idea how to set my boundaries, and not feel bad, and how to feel connected to him, I don't even like intimacy, as I know its her he really wants, and he speaks of it, so I am just someone there! To help the emptiness… and will listen to all his stories reminising about him, but not creating any initmacy between us. All our trips FANTASTIC, then we get there he says OH she would have loved this! or When her and i came here… and then he goes on to tell me how there experience was
CRYING and finding ways to cancel dates lately. This weekend I was hopeful after 5 days of not seeing him, he would be better. NO all day today, then last night as I described. WOW. Any advise Suggestions of how to address, or do I just tell him as I read in your suggestions that I am here when he is ready, but step out!? Thanksgiving he spent at her inlaws, did not ask me what I was doing until Weds. night, he was very abrupt, had volunterred to help me make a cole slaw and then took over and seemed very sad, said he had a sinus headache, very likely… Ok i wrote way to much, there is so much MORE
Thanks T.T.
[...] Just a reminder that the holidays will be here soon. If you have any widower-related holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll start posting them. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers. [...]
[...] Just a reminder that I’ll start posting about holiday topics next week. If you have any holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll answer it. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers. [...]