Widower Wednesday: How She Died
June 22nd, 2011 | 36 comments
Thanks to all those who gave feedback on the Dating a Widower book cover concepts. It was very helpful to read all of your reactions and suggestions. I’m going with the first concept but will be working with the designer to make several changes to it. Thanks to your feedback, I think the final cover is going to be really awesome. I’m also going to be reworking the subtitle of the book too. Look for some different subtitles to choose from soon.
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Sometimes I’ll get an email from someone dating a widower who thinks that the widower’s failure to commit or other odd relationship behavior is due to how his late wife died. For example, someone recently emailed me and wanted to know if the widower’s hot-cold behavior toward her could be attributed to the fact that his late wife took her own life.
Depending on how the late wife died may add a layer or two of complexity to the grief process, but her manner of death shouldn’t play a role in whether or not the widower can open his heart to you. For example, my late wife killed herself. As a result there were some anger and forgiveness issues I had to work through that probably wouldn’t have been there if she had been hit by a bus. However, Krista’s suicide had zero relevance of wanting to start a new life with Marathon Girl. If anything, falling in love with Marathon Girl gave me an added incentive to forgive Krista and move on. The process of making room in my heart for her would have been the same regardless of how Krista died.
There are lots of ways to die but the process of opening one’s heart to someone else is the same for practically everyone. Don’t excuse a widower’s bad behavior because his wife died from cancer, took her own life, or was killed in battle. If he blames his lack of commitment or inability to make you #1 on his late wife matter of death—he’s just passing the buck. A widower who is ready to open his heart to you will find a way to make it work no matter how the LW died.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Abel…you always have a way to say things that make me say “ahhh…thank you!” This topic did cross my mind a few times, but you are right…how she died isn’t really relevant when it comes to how he has decided to open up himself for the opportunity to love again. You rock!
Thanks, Tammy.
Thanks for the perspective on what affects or should not affect the reality of being able to move on. Great insight about being able to make that “room in the heart” for another. Your book “Room for 2″ did a great job of explaining that in detail! Again, great blog!!!
Abel, honestly I have to admit I was already prepared to have my panties in a bunch solely based on the title of this week’s blog but you’ve pleasantly surprised me…once again! You have done a fine job of expressing some of your own personal thoughts and how you were able to overcome and move on to love again. Thank you.
I would agree that “how she died” should not play a role in whether a widower “opens his heart” to a new woman. You either open it or you don’t.
What it could dictate is whether the widower is even ready to open his heart completely. Closure is personal to the widower. How thier spouse died could dictate if the widower had closure and how they will find it, if ever..
I personally had closure because it was an illness vs sudden death. But it still took a longer time for me to have the ability to open my heart and did date in that process of my heart NOT being open.
My advice to anyone dating a widower (similar to Abel), don’t let things slide just because he is a widower. IF he is still grieving…he’ll blame you for pressing him if you don’t let things slide and leave ya on his own. Been there. If he wants you the push back will make him love you more.
D. Michael, I probably missed something in the quick reading so I’m not sure if you’re a widow or widower… or better yet, remarried after your loss. However, I LOVE the added dimension your post brings to this topic.
@Aubery — I’m glad you liked it. But what did the title make you think it was going to be about?
@D Michael — Can you elaborate? Agreed that closure is personal but are you saying that some types of death might stop someone from moving on at all?
Many times I have thought and even posted that I can’t imagine processing my LW’s death as I did had she died suddenly, and young as well, as was the case with Abel. I had decades of marriage with LW and more than two years for ‘background’ prepping for her death (even though I don’t think it was a conscious thing all the time). My hats are off to Abel and all widowers who lost their wives to sudden death. But once processing the grief, I don’t think it really should made any difference HOW she died for she is gone regardless of the manner of exit. I think either way, a W has obstacles to overcome and the potential for start/stop in a relationship that can cause a GOW tears and angst. My concern now is whether or not my Perfect Gal who I love and hope to marry really ‘deserves’ getting the burden of an older guy like me. I regret I don’t have my younger years to give her as I did for LW? If there would be one thing to give me pause and to fall into that W non-commit mode, it would be that. I know, she’s not 29 anymore either and relatively close to my age, but somehow it just seems like I’m the old one. Maybe it’s because I carry with me that “W” label and it translates into feeling older. When I think of how LW passed when her time finally did come, I have one regret that gives me a little regret and melancholy. I feel so sorry I was not there at her side when she took her last breath. I had been in the hospital for so many hours over those last few days that I took a break to check on the kids as they gathered from near/far for the inevitable (per the doctor’s recommendation). I just wish I had hurried back to my post at the hospital and returned to my role as husband rather than father. Though I feel I have moved on, there is a certain very small feeling of lack of closure because I was not there, holding her hand as she finally passed. So then, perhaps I have just contradicted myself. Maybe the specific circumstances in which she passed away, narrowly defined as me not being there, did have an effect on me, and in a way, still does.
D. Michael brings up a good point about closure.
A dear friend of mine who is like a second mother to me lost her first husband to a prolonged illness a few years after they married, when she was in her early 20s.
She went on to marry his close friend, and she and that man (also a dear friend) have been together 45 years.
While he was ill, my friend’s first husband told her he wanted and expected her to marry again after he was gone.
“That absolved me of so much guilt,” she has told me more than once. “I don’t know if I could have moved on as easily without that knowledge.”
My fiance’s late wife, who lived with cancer for 17 years, also told him that she hoped and expected him to marry again after she was gone.
Having closure with the late spouse is not the be-all, end-all catalyst for being ready and open to new love and a second marriage, but I do think it helps.
While there’s no excuse for hurtful behavior, I believe that the way that the late wife died does add an incredibly complexity to relationships with widowers.
With my widower, his wife was ill with debilitating, terminal condition for years before she passed away. He had come to terms with the fact that he would be a widower far before she passed away so he was prepared to move on very quickly.
When his late wife died, It had been several years since my widower had done normal things like go out to the movies or do things he enjoyed like sailing and fishing. His life had been on-hold while his first wife was ill and after she passed away, he realized how short life was and wanted to live his life to the fullest.
I would think that someone who’s wife has passed away more suddenly might not have had the time to prepare the way he did.
If children are involved, then it also changes things.
In my case, the girls (who were 13 and 16 at the time), had been dealing with their mother’s illness for much of their lives. At the time, I recall thinking how mature and responsible they were. They would fix dinner, do the dishes and clean up around the house without being told, while I had to fight with my 12 year old son to do small chores.
I didn’t realize at the time how difficult it would be to come into that type of home where the girls had been practically running the household since they were little. The younger girl was incredibly close to her mother and spent far too much time dealing with medical issues. She was practically an encyclopedia about her mother’s treatment and condition. At the time, everyone was talking about how she was going to grow up to be a doctor, but I don’t think anyone realized how messed up this girl was until she was far older.
Everyone back then talked about how well the girls were taking things, but it’s been nearly 20 years now, and they are now not speaking to their father and still obsessed over things that happened when their mother died. They have never gotten past it.
For children who’s mother has passed away more suddenly, there would be a different set of dealing with that trauma.
Having gone through something traumatic shouldn’t be used as an excuse, but women dating widowers also need to be prepared with the reality – not a romanticized view or thinking they can be Carol Brady to motherless children.
I was completely over my head dealing with the problems that my widowers and his daughters were having – not just due to the death, but that happened during the prolonged illness.
I wish I had realized that when I first met my husband and was better prepared to deal with everything. It wasn’t just simply falling in love and finding someone I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with and hoping all the rest would work itself out.
Ted, my heart goes out to you. Please know I have heard similar stories from many people. I was shaken when this happened to me. I was fortunate to have been by my father’s side the last few days of his life. Was it coincidence he took his last breaths when I stepped out of the room for a moment? A Hospice nurse explained to me that many people ‘let go’ when the loved one leaves the room, even briefly, as it’s easier for them to make the transition on their own. Shortly before he died my father said, “How can I ever leave you?” Maybe it was too hard to do when I was by his side.
Carol, I was told the exact same thing as you after grappling with the fact that my mom died without any family members in the room. We had been taking turns being there for her, but in the end none of us were present. It took me a long time, but a therapist finally told me the same thing as the hospice nurse told you.. that often people wait for family to leave before “letting go”. Ted, I hope this helps.
Thank you Carol and AJ. That helps to know this. I had never heard this before. The doctor and nurse did tell me that we should talk to her while we were in the room and assume she could hear what was going on though she could not respond (she was rigid from the stroke effects of her fatal second and final cranial bleed). So we did that. Perhaps she did feel free to let go, though I still wish in my heart that she didn’t have to be alone when she finally passed.
Ted, my personal belief–she was not alone. Angels attend these events, and I am sure that at least one person she was close to who had gone before was with her, as well as our Heavenly Father. If He notices every sparrow, He certainly notices when one of His children crosses the veil into eternal life. Just because you were not personally in the room doesn’t mean she was alone– surely your thoughts were there with her. I have heard from nurses who work in critical care areas of the hospital, etc. that many go when they are “alone”, but I choose to think that is because that is when they can hear or feel the presence of those who come for them.
My DH and his LW’s mother, brother, sisters, etc. were with her non-stop when she was in the hospital for the last time. There had been no blood pressure for hours, and the family gathered. But, she didn’t pass until, by coincidence, all had either left (it was 2:30 A.M.), my DH took the children home, and her mom and brother stepped outside the room for barely seconds to converse (they didn’t want her to hear what they said to each other). When they returned, LW had passed. Both had worked in hospitals for years, she as a house keeper, he as a Resp. tech, and both said they had witnessed that happen many times.
Thirding. My father died within minutes of me leaving his bedside, where I had been for days. I got the call as I walked in the door of my mother’s house. I think it’s just… a last privacy that some people need to be at peace. I know it doesn’t take away that feeling of regret, believe me. But it was not you failing to hurry back that made it happen that way.
Very interesting comments as usual ……
On a slightly different note …. my partner of over a year moved in with me a few months ago, his wife died almost 2 years ago and they were together 3 years. He put together a box of photo’s and keepsakes that for now his mum is taking care of in her loftspace. However, he has a large potted acer tree that he bought as a living memory of his LW. This has recently become a contentious issue as he believes that it should come with him to my house where we are now living and then stay with us from now on. Should I be ok with this? It feels uncomfortable for me to be looking out of my kitchen window every day looking at this ‘memorial’. Am I being unkind or am I jusitified in not wanting it to come with us? I would appreciate other peoples opinions on this subject! Thank you. Paula
@Aubery – my LW died at in her late 30′s to a genetic lung disease. No I am not remarried. Glad my response was enlightening.
@Abel – Sudden death is tough for closure. It does happen but its up to the individual and their strength. When its an illness the individual has the time to talk with their spouse as hard of a conversation as that can be. You don’t get that with sudden death. Just a theory…I was fortunate to get a “Blessing” from her to be happy again. But that doesn’t stop or displace grief. It took me two years to have my own closure with it. This site helped a lot. Ultimately its facing it, and doing it for yourself. I think people you come in contact with help you thru it, but ultimately it was me that had to be happy going forward. I think it would have been harder had it been sudden…
My W has had some guilt from time to time about not being with his LW when she passed. One of the things that she had said when learning that her illness was terminal was that she didn’t want to lose her dignity. He had sat holding her hand, talking to her, playing her favourite songs while she was in a coma earlier in the day which I think was lovely and I’m sure she would have been aware of their last special moments together. She died that night with her mum & sister there.
About six months later my dad died also of cancer and I was with him for the last few hours and when he took his last breath. I have to say that not only did I find the grief difficult to deal with but was also quite traumatised by watching him die and kept going over and over it in my mind. My mum, sis and brother were also there. Thinking back not that you mention it, it was the split second when everyone had left the room that he started taking his last breaths and I just happened to walk back in again and noticed so called my family back into the room.
I tell my W that he shouldn’t feel any guilt about not being there as he had already said goodbye and had gone home to be with their children which is what she would have wanted. Also I think that dealing with the trauma of watching her take her final breaths would have been too much for him with the immense grief that he already had to deal with.
@Ted, you shouldn’t feel bad about not being at your LW’s side when she passed. As the others have said she probably did wait to let go when everyone was out of the room. I think that’s probably what my dad was doing too only I have never thought about it before
Second para should read…….Thinking back ‘now’ that you mention it
I am not even a religious person and neither was my mom (or dad for that matter). However, I can still tell you that she spoke of “seeing” and “talking” to people who were long gone during her last days and weeks…her father in particular. Hope that helps.
I appreciate your words of encouragement. Yes, I am sure the angels were with her and her ‘mama’ was waiting for her on the other side. I will share one thing with you, hoping it does not offend. I share because most of you here have born children. All my children, save one, and I did get to be with her two days or at least several hours before LW passed. Three days before she passed the doctor told me ‘to gather my children together” because the time would be near for her death as this bleed would take her life. So I did, and two daughers from distant states made it here in time to be with me and my three local children during the last day or two of LW’s life. The sixth child, a daughter, .one who had the rockiest relationship but arguably the most special relationship with LW/Mother, arrived just an hour too late. We hurried to the hospital, gathered around LW’s body to pray and pay respects before the hospital notifed the funeral director. I leaned over to place my arm around LW’s shoulder as a hug and found her upper body already cold, but as I moved my arm away, it glanced across her lower belly and it still felt warm and ‘alive’ down there. I placed my hand across her lower abdomen, the place of the womb, and she was still very warm. I called that particular daughter over and quieted her heavy sobbing. I placed her hand where my hand was and told her, “See, you’re not too late….the place where all you six beautiful children came from is still warm.” This comforted my daughter. We had a few more minutes of quiet and prayer and then left. I guess it was after all a fitting departure even though we had not been there for that iconic last breath. I do not defend Ws for being emotionally abusive to you kind ladies as they trudge through grief and recovery and finding themselves again after LW. But perhaps this little story is similar to other poignant yet grief-filled expeirences your man has in this process. Perhaps it is that such experiences are ones he really doesn’t want to share with you for fear of burdening you or for fear of opening up a wound again when the memory may be such a fleeting one. Perhaps some small scene like this one he may be replaying in his head and for a moment he is away from you, not because he WANTS to be away from you and not because he WANTS to return to LW, but because he has for some reason been reminded of a little vignette of that part of his life before he was blessed with your presence.
@Ted — Thanks for sharing your story and insight. Always appercaited. I’ll just repeat pretty much what everyone else has said that I’m sure she wasn’t alone when she passed on.
@D Michael — I think you nailed it when you said that it’s up to the living to decide to move forward. Looking back on my own experience, grief seems to be more mental (in the mind) than anything else. Once we’re ready to move on, most people generally do. It’s getting to that point that can be difficult.
@Paula — Can the tree be planted elsewhere like the cemetery? Is there a corner of the yard it can be placed in you won’t notice it? I don’t like the idea of it coming to your house but then again, I’m not much of a memorial kind of guy.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. ESPECIALLY since HE moved in with YOU. The tree would be very similar to your having to accept a LW urn of ashes to be brought in to be placed on your living room mantle, would it not? Plant the tree somewhere where it will do some good where others can enjoy it as well as serve as a memorial. You do not need to accept this arboreal baggage..
Kim, your wrote: “I tell my W that he shouldn’t feel any guilt about not being there as he had already said goodbye and had gone home to be with their children which is what she would have wanted.”
Thank you so much for sharing that, since that is exactly what I was doing just as your W was doing when LW actually passed away. I was gathering my brood of six, plus two sons in law and two grandchildren at my home….a large brood that was indeed the very fruit of LW’s ‘labor’. When I recall where I was and what I was trying to juggle (time with the kids vs. running back to the hospital), I feel a bit of relief from a sort of guilt for not being there at the very end. It is good to know at least one other W was in my exact shoes.
Ted–make that three. That is where my DH was when his LW passed–he had been there most of the night, but not knowing how long she would linger, and if she didn’t pass then, he had to go to work the next day, he went home. His BIL called him right after it happened, as he had stopped in to see how his mother was doing–he worked at the hospital. But, she actually passed while her mother was also out of the room getting a drink of water across the hall. The important thing is how she was treated when she was there–besides, I believe that passing through the veil to eternal life is such a wonderful, spiritual thing that those doing it are looking forward into the light, not backward into the dark!
Paula–something I am just realizing, after being married to my DH, former widow, for over 35 years–some men just don’t get it! I now am recognizing that my DH thought a great deal of his LW, and he also does me–he has not thought that I might not feel as he does about her belongings, etc. He didn’t then, and he doesn’t now. I told him recently that I was really struggling with being married to someone else’s husband, and he was astonished and truly amazed. He just didn’t think of me having any feelings about her belongings, memorials, etc. Perhaps, if you suggest an appropriate place for the tree (one you think is appropriate and wouldn’t bother you) and help him think that it is all his idea (we all know that has to happen from time to time–both directions), it can be put where it won’t continue to be an issue. But you certainly don’t need it in the middle of your living room!
D. Michael – great advice to those dating a widower. If you don’t mind, can you give more detail on the push back part? I’m finding myself in a similar situation right now and not sure what to make of it. I was dating W for 2 years. His wife passed away 2 years before we met (cancer). I’m the first relationship for him. I stopped letting things slide over a month ago and requested a conversation about it. He did just as you said and left. The part I couldn’t figure out was that he was so frustrated with me, almost angry. All of a sudden he said he didn’t know what his feelings for me were any more. I thought it was over. Then 3 weeks later he contacted me to let me know he missed me and was thinking of me. He said he was wrong, that the problem is him and that he’s trying. Since then he has let me know several times that he misses me and is thinking of me. Now I find myself being in a limbo situation which I swore I would never be in. We’ve never had a break before (or really even a fight for that matter). I don’t want to be one of the ones that was kicked to the curb and just doesn’t get it. So your post was very interesting to me and I would greatly appreciate any insight to what that was like and what the push back entailed. Thank you!
p.s. I might add that he lost both of his parents this last year which I know was very hard and a huge trigger. I would have waited a little longer to bring up the conversation but it was getting more hurtful. I really just wanted to find a way to work things so that it was healthy for both of us.
@Lynn, After reading your post a couple of times it sounds to me like this is more of a relationship issue than a W issue. His late wife was gone two years before you met and you’ve been dating for two years. You have backed off because of his reaction and now you are both speculating about what the other wants. The advice I’ve read here over and over again is to expect from the W what you would expect from any man in a relationship. Yes, there may be issue which are sensitive that are different, but relationships are fraught with those kinds of things, anyway. Dating someone who had never been married or was divorced would bring some uniqiue baggage, just as you (and all of us) would to any relationship. Communication is the key to any relationship, with a W or not, and it has to be ongoing. You mentioned letting things slide. Probably not the best thing to do. Yes, you have to pick your battles, but if you’ve always put your own needs and feelings in the background to take care of him, that’s a bad precedent. You are just as important in this relationship as he is. My suspicion is that you caught him off guard because he thought things were just fine. He was frustrated and possibly even a little angry because you waited until you had stewed over some things before bringing them up and now he feels badly about not meeting your needs. Essentially, in his mind, you told him that he wasn’t holding up his end of the relationship. You may have even forced him to think for the first time, seriously, about what he wants from your relationship and where it is going. That’s potentially a very good thing, if you use it to open up the lines of communication. My W, now H, gets frustrated with me when I internalize stuff that bothers me and then it comes out when I reach my saturation point. It’s a habit I have from my first marriage of 26 years. My ex lived by the philosophy that if he ignored it long enough, it would go away (and I did)!! My now H would much rather know when something bothers me so we can talk about what he can do and what we can do to make things better BEFORE it festers. I suspect your W is the same – he wants your relationship to be the best it can be. Give him the chance. Talk gently but honestly. If he truly wants a relationship with you, he’ll make the effort. Sorry to be so long-winded but . . .
@Paula – the plant…interesting. My fiancee received several plants at his LW’s funeral. When I first saw them, they were in various states of disarray – some needed light, some needed pruning, some just needed water! He readily admitted he is not good at plant caretaking. And, I am. So, I took over taking care of these plants at his home. Shortly before he moved the 400 miles into my home, I moved the plants from my last trip visiting him so the plants would be moved in the vehicle instead of the moving van. Strangely, the plants have become one of those gestures that I can show my gratefulness to his LW for her presence in my fiancee’s world, show that I am open and OK with their prior relationship in a small way, allow LW’s life into ours without the overtness of, say, photos or other more specific reminders in my house, hopefully keep these plants living and growing long enough that her young son may actually get to have them when he is old enough and moves out, and in the meantime actually beautify our new home together with living greenery, which is something I like to do anyway. Just a thought….
@Lynn(#1)…all situations are different, but it could be just the trials of a relationship…
A couple things you mentioned I can give experiences on.
1. You note YOU are is his first relationship. For me the first relationship was “the learning.” And I got pushed on the widower topics and her opinions were different than I wanted to hear. So I walked away because of it. But the big difference for me was I was only 2 months in. Not 2 years.
2. You note his parents passed away in the last year. I got news of my mom having early stage cancer. That sets off a whole bunch of emotions. I stopped dating during this period.
Bottom line, If he is still treating his LW like she is #1 and you are #2…there is a problem.
D Michael… Thank you for your response. It’s very helpful. My situation is a little the opposite of yours in that I never pushed any widower topics. Actually, I didn’t even know there were any. Most were very subtle. There were no fits and starts, no talk of LW (other than normal conversation). There are photos everywhere and most of her belongings are still in place, but that didn’t bother me as I felt it was personal to him as to when he changed that. I didn’t expect the pictures to ever change as he has 4 children. I never mentioned any of it to him except I did gently bring up the photo in the bedroom one day. I didn’t ask him to move it, but did let him know it was a little uncomfortable for me. It was moved by the next time I was there. Really, the big problem (and what I have brought up) is that he keeps me at arms distance. I feel more like we’re dating rather than in a relationship. And definitely feel like the mistress a lot of times. He just isn’t ready to let go and open his heart. He tries and I believe he wants to but just doesn’t know how or maybe feels guilty. Its all been very, very slow. It took him a year and a half to say ILY. A few days later his mom passed away and it didn’t come up again (which I understand) for a long time. Then his dad passed. Both times he did pull back for a couple weeks. Didn’t disappear but pulled back. He was the caregiver for both of his parents, so I’m sure that brought back even more memories of caring for his wife. Gosh as I’m writing this I feel bad for bringing up our relationship only a few months after his dad passed. It was just getting so hurtful because there was less affection and more physical than ever. And it was very hard to be on the outside. Anyways, thank you for your reponse. I do very much appreciate any input or advice.
@Lynn – thank you so much for reading and responding so kindly to my post.
I find myself going back and forth over wether its a relationship vs widower issue. But your right, I guess it really doesn’t matter. I suspect its a combination, but I do think more of the widower as the big problem is being able to move forward. I went in to some detail in my post above. I think your exactly right about him feeling like he can’t meet my needs. He’s not ready to let go and give his heart to me. I’ve had to ask myself how I let it get to 2 years and are still at such an early stage. I guess it’s because it was always progressing, even if very, very slowly and then just when the momentum picked up a little, he lost his parents just five months apart. When I pushed for more of the relationship, I didn’t understand that was pushing him to let go. And I don’t think he consciously did either. He’s had no counseling or support. He’s one of those who just handles things on his own. So it all leaves me very confused. I’ve read the great advice on this site about walking away if they’re not ready to open their heart all the way and that it means they’re not that in to you. But it seems like most of the situations referenced were more short term, whirlwind kind of relationships. He has expressed that the problem is with him, he is trying and misses me. But hasn’t asked to get back together. So not sure if this is where I need to be patient and let him know I understand or this is where I walk away.???
@Lynn 1, I think the decision to stay and give it more time or walk away is one you should make with your heart and your head. Unless you have some pressing timetable, there’s no particular reason to give up now. One of the things I have found over the past three years is that many things I thought were W issues, were not. When I asked about them or expressed concern that he might be acting a certain way out of grief, he was often genuinely surprised. I was lucky that my W was very clear that he was moving forward and wanted to do so with me. I’ve spent enough time on this and other sites to know that is more the exception than the norm. It was particularly fortunate for me because I brought a ton of baggage to the relationship. My W is and has been, since I was 17, the love of my life. He chose otherwise once and for all when we were 21 and it utterly destroyed me. When he contacted me 35 years later, after his wife’s death, we not only had to explore building a relationship and getting to know one another again, but I had a divorce to finish (had been kind of in limbo for lack of funds) and had to decide if I was willing to risk having my heart broken again, at the ripe old age of 55. When we began he lived halfway across the country and had a major career established. I had two daughters still at home and was not willing to uproot or leave them. Combined with the emotional baggage it seemed like the obstacles were insurmountable. Then he applied for a license to practice medicine in this state, found an apartment and over two years moved his life here. We married in January of this year and live in my home with my daughters. I still struggle with some things and am in therapy. For me, the feeling that I will always be his second choice is not just a feeling because he actually chose her over me several times when we were young. By all accounts, at 30 years of marriage they were as much in love as they were in the beginning and her death after a two-year struggle with cancer, nearly destroyed him. To his credit, he never compares us but it is difficult and I am in therapy. On the other hand, had I protected my heart and walked away early on I would have thrown away the greatest and best love of my life. It still isn’t easy sometimes, but every day is better and more wonderful. I cannot imagine living life without him.
Bottom line: do what feels right to you, understanding that you may need to make a different choice at some point down the road. Keep the lines of communication open. It is a lot easier to deal with something when you can understand it and talking is the best way to create understanding and emotional intimacy between two people. Above all, be good to yourself.
Wow Lynn you are stronger than I. I commend you. I don’t know if I could have coped in your situation where he chosen LW first when he was younger. Many of us feel as if we are in second place but in this instance as you said he actually chose her to marry. I understand why you struggle and might need therapy to help these issues, but I also commend you for moving forward w/the relatoinship because it would have likely stopped me. I am glad you have found love the second time around, but I pray that you also find peace. From your post you have shown you should be no one’s second ever…. a woman of class and grace such as yourself should only be #1 always.
@Elaine, thank you.