Widower Wednesday: Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family
January 12th, 2011 | 28 comments
Today’s Widower Wednesday question comes from a recent widower with a young child who’s is in his first serious relationship since the wife died. He’s crazy about the new woman in his life and feels incredibly lucky and blessed to have found love again. There’s just one problem: his girlfriend refuses to meet or spend any time with the late wife’s family. In addition, the girlfriend makes small complaints when the widower wants to take his child and spend time with them. The widower wants to know if he’s asking too much by wanting the girlfriend to meet the late wife’s family and spend some time with them occasionally.
Everyone comes into a relationship with some sort of past. Relationships with widowers usually involve knowing and spending time with the late wife’s family—especially if there are children from the first marriage. A lot of women are uncomfortable meeting or spending time with the late wife’s family and I don’t blame them for feeling that way considering how poorly they’re sometimes treated.
However, I have a problem when the girlfriend refuses to meet them or even consider getting to know them. It seems like the larger issue is that she doesn’t want to admit or acknowledge the widower’s past marriage and that by refusing to be part of it, the late wife’s family, the late wife, and the widower’s past will magically disappear.
Having a successful relationship with a widower means accepting the fact that the late wife, in some small way, is always going to be part of the relationship with a widower. Like it or not, the widower’s previous marriage made him the man he is today. By cutting the late wife’s family out of the picture and refusing to even meet them, the girlfriend is denying a chance to get to know people who have influenced on who the widower is. At the very least she should try to spend some time with these people and give them a chance as they’ll probably play some role in her relationship with the widower if it’s too continue.
In any case, the late wife’s family is going to become a much bigger issue as the relationships goes on. She may only make a small fuss now when the widower wants to see them, but the complaints are going to get bigger and louder the longer the relationship goes on. Personally, I don’t see a future with her unless she’s willing to at least meet the late wife’s family and be more open to the widower’s past.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Abel, has the man talked to this woman about his concerns? She may be insecure about her place in his life and be afraid of meeting his former in-laws. It was difficult enough meeting my future husband’s immediate family, even though I had known them as a girl, when we went together. I had no idea how receptive they’d be to him dating me. When I finally met his in-laws, we were engaged and I felt pretty secure about my place in his life so it wasn’t too difficult. Still, I was prepared to go on the defensive if they tried to intimate that I could never replace the LW in his life. Fortunately for me they were very kind and none of the scenarios I practiced in my head came true. Sometimes I still wish that there had been no LW or 30 year marriage, but as I become more secure and we make our own memories, it is easier to accept that she was and always will be a part of him. It’s a process and it takes time. Perhaps this man should try a little more communication and some patience. It isn’t always easy being the second act.
@Lynn According to the email he had talked to her about it several times. I agree it could be an insecurty issue but don’t have enough information from the email to know if that’s the case. It sounded more like wishful thinking on her part but I only have an email from the widower to go off of.
The bottom line is that if the widower has an on-going relationship with his in-laws that’s important to him – they are going to be part of your life whether there are children or not. Expecting him to cut family out of his life is out of line regardless of how insecure or uncomfortable you might feel.
The first time I met my husband’s in-laws was at a funeral for his late wife’s uncle. when we’d been married for about three months. I met nearly her entire family under some pretty trying circumstances and they were wonderful to me and my daughter. In fact nearly every meet up with his in-laws was a funeral during that first year. I felt very out of place and was extremely conscious that I wasn’t the wife everyone would have preferred, but I had own my most polite game face and made it a point to allow people time and space to adjust if they needed it. I know that some in-laws can make things difficult but most try hard to be accepting.
This girlfriend has more than insecurity going on in my opinion but the gentleman in question will have to set his own ground rules, decide what is and isn’t okay and make a decision from there. I would tell him though that even with the discomfort, most women would probably try hard to get along with his late’s wife’s family for a child’s sake as long as their was no obvious hostility.
Fundamentally, the key point is that in this situation he is “a recent widower with a young child”. This child and the family of the deceased wife should always have the right to interact, and no one who enters the widower’s life has a right to complain or prevent this from happening. As we have discussed on some of your previous blogs, there is a whole differrent perspective to dating a younger widower with chlidren still at home, as compared to a widower with no children, or even a widower with older children off on their own. The big question I have is exactly what does this woman think of the child? She may be able to avoid the family of the late wife, but if this is a responsible dad, she will never be able to avoid the child, or should he allow that to happen.
My position is this as a widower, if any woman has an issue with my daughters and them having a relationship with my late wife’s family, for me that is a sign to walk away. If they have an issue with my continuing to be involved in their lives, as their dad it is a BIG sign to walk away as quickly and safely as possible without looking back.
Trust me, there have been a number that had the nerve to ask “Will you REALLY continue to be involved in your daughters lives, I already have been a mom and Grandmother, and do not need any more than that”. Comments as those actually helped to show me what their real character was. My final response in those situations was, “Yes, and I will ALWAYS be involved in my daughters lives in any way necessary for the rest of my earthly life!”
I think we may be talking about two different things? Involvement with the late wife’s family is a separate issue from a parent’s continuing involvement with his own child(ren). While I would argue that both are necessary and healthy, the latter is non-negotiable, and in fact, I’m frankly shocked that anyone would articulate a request such as you ceasing to be involved with your own children!
That being said, as the wife of a widower with three minor children, involvement with the late wife’s family isn’t always as simple as it seems. While I’m very involved with them for the kid’s sake, it has not been without its problems… mainly due to the level of immersion, and having to set some boundaries around that.
I’d be interested to hear from other folks who have married widows or widowers… how much is enough? How much is too much? My husband tends to be a people pleaser, and his late wife’s family has, for some years, been used to being first priority in all things. To say it’s been an adjustment for all would be quite the understatement.
PS… I should have added, I’m involved with her family also for my husband’s and my own sake… I like them and enjoy their company for the most part. But, I do expect the level of immersion will lessen once the kids are adults. Am interested to hear other peoples’ experiences in this regard.
Annie… your insight and intelligence in dealing with these situatiosn is remarkable, thanks for your input.
Abel… this blog and your other articles have kept me sane through some very very difficult early years in this marriage. Thank you so much for the time you spend sharing and supporting.
Good points, Joe, though in my mind the exception for the in-laws hinges on their behaviour. My daughter has no contact with my late husband’s family beyond cards and pictures b/c of behaviour issues on their part that are unhealthy for my daughter.
But if the relationship is good – mutually caring and supportive, I agree, women who are interested in nurturing that will let that be known in subtle and not so ways.
@Annie @Joe — I guess that what’s strikes me so odd about the situation–the GF hasn’t even given them a chance to show what kind of people they are. If the late wife’s family was hostile or rude to her, I wouldn’t blame her. But that fact that she refuses to even meet them once is strange. Whatever the reason, I don’t see it as a good thing for the long term health of the relationship.
@Elizabeth – I agree involvement with the late wife’s family isn’t black and white. I think there are a lot of widowers that spend too much time with the late wife’s family when they could be focusing on strengthening their new relationship/family. But it’s something that both the widower and his new wife have to feel comfortable about. This is one area I don’t have a lot of experience in as my contact with the late wife’s family is practically nonexistent.
Anyway, I’m glad you’ve found my website helpful. Glad to have you as a reader.
@Abel: A reader? I’m practically a groupie.
His family was so involved that his LW’s sister would call him several times daily, come over – and into – our house uninvited, text him constantly, get information from our kids about what we’re doing, write long missives to him about the LW, etc. – after we were married! Partly my fault, too, b/c at the onset, I was probably “too” i nclusive, b/c I felt badly for them, I see that now.
But it began to drive a wedge between my husband and me, b/c they always came first, before me, before my family, before my husband’s family even! It took some serious boundary setting (and me digging in my heels) to change some of those behaviors. Not particularly my strong suit, but I’m learning that to be (successfully) married in this situation, you have to be strong in yourself and willing to accept nothing less than being treated appropriately.
@ Annie, I’m joining your fan club also. You seem to really have it together. I wanna be like you when I grow up.
At what point do I step up and start expecting to be put first when it comes to the LW’s family? My boyfriend puts me first in almost everything in his life. Each day is getting better and better. We finally, after 7 months, said “I love you” to one another. Our relationship is fantastic and I couldn’t be happier. Only one thing still bothers me. His LW’s family. They used to be like a 2nd family to me. His LW was one of my best friends and we are all in our mid 20s. Her parents have always treated me like one of their own. When my BF told them about us, they were happy for him, and still invited him places, but haven’t made one point of contact with me.
When is it time to stop taking the blame and pressure of their pain? I didn’t do anything wrong, yet my BF is treated the same as before and I am ignored. Should I be frustrated with him or her family or not at all? I understand they are sad that he moved on so quickly, but it’s ME. They know me; they love me and know that I’m a good person. Their pain is overwhelming, I most deff get that, but why do I have to be ignored and treated as if I did something wrong, when my BF and I are in this TOGETHER…? It takes 2 to tango, right? Any words of wisdom are encouraged.
I stil want to be a part of their lives and I think they do eventually want to be a part of my life…it’s about their accepting US now. They accept him, acknowledge US, but ignore me. I know things may never be the same, their daughter died and her husband is now in love with me. It’s a HUGE pill to swallow. But if we are all good people, wanting others to be happy, why hurt me in the process? He is the happiest he has been since she died and anyone with eyes can see that. We have helped one another out of deep, dark places and this is a GOOD thing. My family is happy, his family is happy. I don’t want to be bitter because of how they have been ignoring me, but it’s getting to that point…
@Elizabeth, thanks, but my husband has been awesome throughout the blending and his LW’s family – especially her brother, cousins and nephew have played roles in integrating myself and my daughter. My step-daughters, who were 22 and 24 at the time we married, have been amazing. Finally, her mother, who passes away at the end of 2007 was so welcoming even though she had not expected my husband to move into a new relationship and marriage so quickly. She and her husband, who died shortly after she did – were welcoming and kind, and I was quite touched b/c I knew they were hurting and yet, they cared about my husband and I enough to put that aside when we were all together.
@Tami, it’s tricky b/c it’s your boyfriend’s job to let the family know that you are his #1 priority now. The person you probably need to talk to his him. Family and friends of the deceased can be unpredictable. My late husband’s best friend totally broke all contact with me and our child, his god-daughter – because seeing us was “too painful” for him. By the time he decided to open lines of communication again, I was remarried and he abruptly broke off communication again b/c he didn’t think I should have married so soon. I can’t do anything about what others feel or how they deal with their grief. I can just be open and me. I understand feeling abandoned and being unfairly targeted, but really all a person can do is continue to be themselves and patient. If things were to be openly snarky, that would be another matter, but since you know the family and have history, it’s more likely they are just going to have to adjust on their own timetable. I wish I had something more magically to offer.
@Abel, yeah, I think there is something very odd and it’s going to cause big issues as time goes on.
@Annie, Thank you! I agree that I need to have a conversation with the BF about this. I know if I were to say something, he would take it seriously and try to get this resolved, I’ve just been putting it on the back burner because of the progress of our relationship, and our new verbal statements (so exciting) I wanted to really make sure he was ready. I know now, that it’s time to be honest with them about how serious we are. They are good people. They need to hear it from him, the whole truth.
My first introduction to the LW’s family was at my BF’s grandchild’s 13th birthday party. Introductions were made, and then nobody talked to me, even though I was in the middle of the room with them. If I tried to participate in a conversation, I wasn’t really acknowledged. I now see them at weddings and they’re nice to me, but I don’t have much in common with them. I tried, but I don’t feel I belong included in all their gatherings carrying on with the LW’s traditions.
With working two jobs, helping an invalid sister and being responsible for my elderly relative with Alzheimer’s, I find it difficult enough to find time for my family and good friends, let alone squeezing in the LW’s family.
As I posted in an earlier blog, I was informed a week before Christmas that my BF would be spending the holiday with the LW’s family. I was shocked because we’ve been dating for nearly 6 years and he spent holidays the first two years with the LW’s family, but then started spending them with me. I’m sure he forgot because his daughter & grandchildren moved in with him and he was going back to his previous ways.
At some point, we all need to set reasonable priorities. It’s difficult to squeeze in more and more people, live in the traditions of the LW and not offend or hurt anyone. Thanks for listening.
Back to the original e-mail. As someone who is about to marry a widower, I have to say that I find it monumentally unfair to judge someone without knowing the circumstances. This woman is his first serious relationship after being widowed. How much has she already been through just establishing their relationship? What expectations has he had of her with his child? Some young men seem to marry very quickly because they need a mother for their child(ren). Is he truly ready to have a new relationship or does he still need time? I didn’t have any of that and yet would not have wanted to meet his LW’s family before we had our relationship firmly established. I also agree with Joe that relationships involving young children are completely different. I’m not sure I would have had the guts to take on another woman’s child and husband, not because I’m incapable of love, but because it has to be really difficult. In this case, we don’t know how old this relationship is or the relationship dynamics. For example, when my future husband (tomorrow) started telling people about us, he told them that he had been a good husband and that he felt ready to be one again. When I pointed out to him that it was almost as if he was apologizing to their family, friends and colleagues, he began prefacing that line with a sentence or two about us. He didn’t realize that his approach was a little hurtful until we talked about it. Many, many things about being in a relationship require good, constant communication and I think that’s perhaps even more true for relationships that involve a widowed person. I’m divorced and have to tell you that in the two years I’ve been in this relationship we have talked out more issues and concerns than my ex and I did in 27 years. We don’t let anything fester and we have learned not to make assumptions about why the other person has acted or spoken in a certain way. I’m not saying this young couple doesn’t talk, but I suspect they need to do it more if they want their relationship to succeed. Perhaps they both need a little clarification of roles and expectations before going much farther in the relationship.
@Lynn, you are correct to point out that assumptions are being made due to the lack of information provided. I imagine that we have just concluded that the relationship has some length b/c the widower felt the issue had reached a point where he needed outside advice. Most men I know don’t turn to outside sources for personal advice until they’ve exhausted every option and that implies time has passed. jmo
I do totally agree with the communication thing, but I think it applies to all relationships and isn’t specific to widowed people and the people who love them.
Whole conversation is fascinating. I’m not sure what to expect. Have been dating my BFfor almost 2 years and we are now living together as well. LW was not terribly close to her family (which mainly consists of 2 sibs and their families and an aunt all of whom live in different states). BF did let them know about me when he was moving in, but have yet to meet them or anything. Have offered to visit with BF and son, or join them on the drive to meet with LW’s family (I have friends that live nearby LW’s family and can stay with them if meeting me is not comfortable or appropriate yet). Anyhow, I’m not sure what to expect…
Good topic.
For me, the question of how much time is appropriate for my fiance to spend with his late wife’s family has many ripples.
I have not spent hoards of time with them, but from the beginning the relationship has been warm and supportive. They live an hour from use. Because my fiance has so much family there (including his 26-year-old son) we visit a couple times a month.
I know that my fiance misses these folks, not necessarily because of the connection to his late wife, but because he genuinely loves them and has known them for a long time.
This was hard for me at first, because I didn’t know where I fit in. But now that he is making similar strong connections with my family, I feel more and more comfortable with all the family interactions.
KS: Yes, it is hard to know what to expect the first time you meet the late wife’s clan. But I’m sure your boyfriend appreciates your willingness to do so.
My BF has 3 kids with his LW in ages from 10-15, I thought it would be really weird meeting his LW parents. It was a little strange but it went well. Especially since they told him that they wanted him to date again. I even added his mother-in-law to my facebook and we talk occasionally. We have been dating for a year and things are going good.
I think the gf should meet the family but i also think things should be in moderation. I am also dating a widower however w/ older children and very much part of late wifes family. I have been dating over 5 years. I am also very close to the family as i was friends w. everyone prior to the wife passing.
I always think a parent should always have a realionship w. their children (espeically if they are young) as they grow older .. they also should always see and be w/ one another… however the realtionship between the widower and gf should not suffer from it.
I experience a good realionship w/ everyone .. however it does cause MANY issues at times. Its a fine line. and especially if the widower still has the guilt.. and I see the family of the wife can make them feel guilty. So with that said… I think the GF should give them a chance and should meet them. But i agree its two different problems.. the child hands down should spend time w. his dad.. hes young.. as he gets older they should become into their own lives but always have a realionship w/ his dad.
the wifes family.. nothing wrong w/ getting to know one another and becoming friends etc.. but the wife family also needs to know their boundires.
(hope this makes sense)
Madison
Hi there,
I am dating a widower (wife deceased 5 years) for 1.5 years and I just gave birth to his son (okay not a long time but he is 45 and I am 39 we’re not children). But! the news of the baby was an adjustment for him in the beginning and joy for me I have to say. He has no previous children and was great during my pregnancy, the birth and now as a dad to a beautiful 1 month old. We are living in his house (he won’t live in mine and won’t rent).
His late wife’s sister and child came to see the baby the week I came out of hospital. I felt it was too soon to meet her, I could barely walk and had a tough birth but decided to ‘build a bridge’, she came, was icy and I didn’t have much in common with her, but I was hospitable all the same. My bf insisted on late wife’s family being invited to the christening, this would be the first time he and his family would meet most of my family. Again I agreed to build a bridge and so forth. The night before the christening, the deceased wives family landed into our house unannounced and uninvited to see the baby, I was shocked to see them to say the least. Again I was nice.
Being nice is getting me no where!! I have to say that them being at the christening meant that my family (who I haven’t seen in a year and who had to travel long distance to come) and me came 2nd the entire day and it made the event feel really odd – they ruined the day – they’re not the happiest bunch and not really social – tell the truth, if I never see them again it won’t be soon enough. I am hugely sympathetic of what my bf went through and that of his/her family and friends but people need to move on, too much of a big deal is made of all this. We’ve all had relationships (well most of us) that ended even if we didn’t want them to, and we’ve had to move on from mutual friends and ex’s family whom we had a relationship with. If the widower/widow has children of course it’s entirely different but if they don’t then I really don’t get the ex inlaws needing to be soo involved. Once or twice a year is enough to keep in touch but other than that then it’s excessive and borders on stalking! Everyone has suffered and will suffer loss, this is life. I have decided to keep these people at a distance from here in, they’re negative. Had they been nice (I am a very warm outgoing approachable person) then it would be different but they haven’t! They’re loss!! xoxo
Maria,
I think that you are brave and on the right track. You are a mother and have to advocate for your child and family. Life is too short. If the LW’s family is not supportive, it is their loss. Too bad for them because they could expand their horizons and enjoy a new family and still have a positive connection with the your husband. Too bad they are living in the past and not accepting reality. Best wishes to you and your family.
Laura
Since my children are both college age, I do not need to maintain a relationship with my late wife’s family for their benefit. They are very capable of doing so on their own, and do so regularly.
On the other hand, I really like my ‘outlaws’, and intend to maintain a relationship with them for my own sake. They have been a major part of my life for 24 years, and they are not just her family, they are MINE as well. I suppose somewhere down the line I will have to navigate this issue, but I believe that I am a package deal, and that package not only includes my children, but my late wife’s family as well.
I tried to meet up with an old friend whos wife had passed away 10 years ago. Since I didn’t know how to get ahold of him, I asked his niece for his number. She told me that they don’t see him any more because he and his new wife never figured out how to be comfortable with them. I think that’s pretty sad.
I married a man with two grown sons. He’d been widowed two years when we met and we dated for two years. We’ve been married almost four years. He has a very close relationship with his former in-laws which became even closer after his parents died. They are wonderful people who treat me with respect and with whom I’ve become close. I have very good relationships with all of his other family and friends except for three people. My husband’s former brother-in-law, his wife, and another woman who was the BF of the late wife have been, and continue to be, an issue. It’s as if they decided to hate me before they laid eyes on me. They like nothing about me and wanted him to have nothing to do with me. The BF of the deceased wife even went behind our backs to various friends and family members trying to garner support in her plan to break us up. These three have been rude and hurtful to us both. I finally set some boundaries about a year ago and said that I don’t want to be a part of the relationship with him and his brother/sister-in-law. They’ll have to carry on without me. The moment he let them know I wasn’t going to be participating in the drama any longer, they pulled away from him. He’s made overtures to try and rebuild their relationship but has largely been rebuffed. Meanwhile, the situation with the former BF totally went off the rails. Seems her main reason for hating me was that she’d hoped to marry him herself. She made that clear to several people at our wedding and it came as no surprise to me. He told me they’d actually talked about possibly marrying and how easy it would be because she was so close with everyone. He decided that was a crazy idea largely because he wasn’t attracted to her. She was a misery at our wedding and has continued to be one, all the while remaining cozy with the two former in-laws who don’t want me around either. I don’t think him continuing a relationship with this woman is healthy. Meanwhile, he misses some of what was….The annual family gatherings and the picture perfect happy extended family. I don’t fit in there because they wouldn’t let me. I feel sad for him. He misses them. I wish the two in-laws would suck it up and at least have a relationship with him…I’d be happy to stay un-involved in that. As for the BF who wishes she could have had him….I don’t want her in our life under any circumstances. We have quarterly fights about all this. It’s not getting better.
In case it wasn’t clear. My “very close” relationship is with my W’s former mother-in-law and father-in-law…the parents of the deceased wife. They treat me like a daughter. It’s their son and his wife who can’t get along with me….as well as the former BF of the deceased.
I disagree that a good relationship with a widower is predicated on a good relationship with the late wife’s family, even where there are children involved. It’s a two-way street. I met my boyfriend’s late wife’s family. I was very open to it for his sake and the sake of his minor children. The very first time I met them, the sister of the deceased woman took me into her family room (which was full of other family members) and said to me, “This is my sister’s death room.” How the hell do you top that one? Well, she did in subsequent visits. I’ve been treated well by only two family members on her side of the family. I have done nothing wrong. The surviving sister treats me like I murdered her sister. It’s humiliating. I adore my boyfriend and his children, but nobody should have to hear phrases like, “Your being here makes everyone uncomfortable.” What about me? What about my discomfort? His wife died nearly five years ago. I am not in competition with a deceased person, and I resent family members who try to set it up as a competition. Because of their treatment of me, I have no interest in spending holidays with them.
To see comments like “I believe that I am a package deal, and that package not only includes my children, but my late wife’s family as well” really bothers me. It’s a throwing down of the gauntlet to me. I’d love to see my boyfriend tell her family, “She’s part of my life now and we’re a package deal, so deal.”
I haven’t asked that the pictures of her that are all over his house come down
And where’s the book for the families of widows/widowers, something to help them with their weird behavior? How come the nonwidow(er) should tippy-toe around so nobody’s uncomfortable? People come to relationships later in life with their own brand of loss — why do widows/widowers think they’ve cornered the market on loss, that somehow their loss is much more significant than anyone else’s?