Widower Wednesday: Widower Times Two
September 21st, 2011 | 13 comments
Over the weekend I received an email from a man who has now been widowed twice. The first time it happened he was in his twenties. He rebuilt his life and now, some 40 years later, finds himself a widower again. He mentioned that doing this journey a second time was a lot harder the second time around. He gave two reasons for this: 1) his youngest child is about to leave the nest and won’t have anyone to care for and 2) he feels he’s too old to date again and start a new life. He asked if I had any ideas to help him find a purpose to his life again. I sent him off an email with some ideas but in hindsight wish I would have thought it out a bit more.
So here are some updated suggestions not only for this gentleman but any other widows or widowers of any age who are having a hard time finding a purpose to their life after their spouse has passed on.
- Volunteer at local hospitals, charities, soup kitchens, schools, churches, or other groups that could use an extra hand. It’s a great way to make friends, become active in the community, and help out cause or charity you believe in.
- Find a group of similar-aged people in your area that do things together. For example, I have a grandfather who played softball into his 70s. Part of it was for the exercise but, looking back, I think the bigger reason was just being able to hang out with guys he played ball with over the years.
- Take that vacation or trip you’ve always wanted to take but never did. Go see a new part of the world, take a long road trip, or throw a dart at a map and explore some random town.
- Help neighbors, friends, or family members who have financial, physical, or other needs. Everywhere I’ve lived there’s always been someone that’s been going through a hard time that needs help. It’s amazing what mowing their lawn, fixing a leaky faucet, helping someone clean their house, or just talking to someone for 30 minutes can do for people’s morale.
- Go back to school. If you have the time, take a couple of classes or retrain yourself with different skills. Develop skills that can take that hobby you’ve always done on the side and see if you can make a new career out of it. If you’re retired, try a part time job doing something else. Better yet, if you have marketable skills, find a way to share your knowledge with others (friends, family, neighborhood kids) who could benefit from these skills.
The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your plight and start thinking about ways to help others. Don’t let your marital status define who you are or what you can do with your life. Just because you lost a spouse doesn’t mean your life no longer has purpose. Widowhood isn’t something that people look forward to, but it often opens new doors and new windows that wouldn’t have remained closed otherwise. Take advantage of them and see where life takes you.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Great advice Abel. Although in a relationship now, yet not married, there is indeed something freeing about grasping the single-status late in life. And doing basically what you want to do, when you want to do it. It is not a derivative of selfishness to act on this new freedom. Which is what I first felt with the new status upon me.
Agreed. It’s just starting a new (more free) chapter in one’s life.
All are very good ideas, but what I liked best was the line, “Don’t let your marital status define who you are or what you can do with your life”. Excellent advice!
In the widow world there are all sorts of cautions about “distracting yourself from the work of grief” but the latest research finds that ppl who are actively engaging in life find an even footing and feel better again sooner than those who dwell on their losses (which is kinda what grieving is).
I would add “never say never” about a new relationship if that is what you think might be good for you. My MIL just remarried earlier this year. She and new FIL are 70. They met on Catholic Match.com. She’s Canadian. He’s American. They are building a new life together in Arizona and really happy. You are never too old.
Wow, it’s always inspiring and encouraging to hear that love is ageless. That people really can build a new life. Thanks for sharing about your mother-in-law’s remarriage at 70 y/o.
Agree that one should never say never. Who knows what will happen. In his case, however, he’s still freshly widowed so thought it best to get him out doing things again.
“The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your plight and start thinking about ways to help others.”
Abel, this is great advice!
Thanks, Aubery.
Excellent Advice. My mental well-being is directly tied to my activity level. If I have too much down-time or TV time and not enough interaction with living breathing people, I start to fall into that deep darkness again.
Ish
wanderoke.blogspot.com
Isherwood — I checked out your blog. Sounds like you’re progressing well on your journey. Best of luck to you.
Isherwood,
I have spent most of my adulthood unmarried, and can say that it is indeed something to be celebrated. Singlehood is a beautiful life. (Now in my mid-40s, I just married a widower, and so far this too is a beautiful life.)
I also read some of your blog, and wish you well on your journey, wherever it takes you.
All of the above sounds great: Don’t let marital status define you; engage in activities that focus on others instead of self; don’t assume you will always feel the same way about remarrying.
But this twice-widowed gentleman may need to wallow some before he can see the bigger picture, ie redefine what is meaningful to him. Nothing wrong with a little wallowing time, as long as it’s not self-destructive and on-going.
We just had a story in the local paper about a widower who remarried at 89. The gal he married was a first-time bride at 91. Yowza!
Good advice, Karen. And that’s cool about the 89-year-old widower. Just shows you can fall in love all over again at any age.