Widower Wednesday: Where to Spend the Holidays
November 2nd, 2011 | 22 comments
Just a reminder that the holidays will be here soon. If you have any widower-related holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll start posting them. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers.
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Today I’m going to jump into one holiday topic earlier than usual because it’s already popping up on discussion boards and in my email box. The issue is how much time the widower should spend with the late wife’s family during the holidays. The situations are a little complex but here are three typical situations I’ve been seeing a lot of lately.
Situation 1: The widower has no kids or all of his kids are grown and out of the house. The widower is heading to the in-laws for the majority of the holidays and doesn’t invite the girlfriend to accompany him. When the girlfriend asks about spending time alone or with her family, widower pushes her concerns to the side and says they’ll see each other after the holidays.
My thoughts: The widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship or doesn’t consider the relationship to be on the same level as the woman he’s dating. This is a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with the widower and how you both feel about the relationship and whether or not this going to be a long term or serious deal. If you’re not on the same page, it’s a good time as any to end the relationship and move on. If the widower claims he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with you you but insists on spending the holidays without you by his side, don’t stand around waiting for him to return. It’s time to move on.
Situation 2: The widower has minor children living at home. When the late wife was alive, it was tradition to spend the holidays with her family. Girlfriend may or may not be invited to attend. When asked to alter plans to accompany her family or her holiday traditions, the widower is resistant or hesitant to change his plans because the kids need some amount of normalcy after losing their mother.
My thoughts: One of the problems I see in long-term widower relationships is that during the first year there are issues that the girlfriend gives a pass to because. With the situation above, often I’ve seen the girlfriend not try to get to upset the first year it happens only to have the situation repeat itself again and again year after year. Instead of getting upset, this is a perfect opportunity to have conversation about holiday traditions what are the holidays going to be like next year, the year after, or five years down the road? What will happen once you’re engaged or married? Is there a concrete reason the widower won’t compromise and split time with your or your family?
The “I’m still grieving” or “I’m doing it for the kids” excuse is a cop out and a sign the widower has no backbone. Don’t fall for it. You need to figure out the real reason. Also there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend part of the holidays with the late wife’s family—especially if minor children are involved. However, every relationship requires some degree of compromise and if you don’t work it out early in the relationship, odds are its going keep being an issue as long as the two of you are together.
Situation 3: The girlfriend is invited to accompany him and the kids with the late wife’s family. While she doesn’t mind spending part of her holidays with them, she feels uncomfortable spending the entire holiday season with them. She wants time to get to know him and his kids better and introduce them to her family too.
My thoughts: Starting a new life often means replacing old traditions with new ones. Letting go of practices that have gone on for years can be difficult. But part of starting a new life means figuring out which ones to hold on to and which ones to replace. When I was dating Marathon Girl and our first holiday season together was approaching, we sat down decided how we wanted to spend our time during the holidays and informed my family, her family, and the late wife’s family of our plans. No one complained. A few years ago because of our growing family we altered our plans again and told my family and her family how we were spending the holidays. Again, no one complained. The result, however, has always been an enjoyable holiday season for the two of us and our children.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Thanks for this! I really needed to hear this today!
Great idea for a post… I struggle with this too. While I don’t mind spending time with LW’s family during the holidays, esp since my H still has teenagers at home, the issue is that H still gives them what I consider to be an inordinate amount of time and attention. (Meaning a couple of hours with my family, a couple of hours with his family, and entire days with the LW’s family.) I don’t feel it’s appropriate for LW’s family to be the primary focus during the holidays…while I have no desire to exclude them, I think in a marriage, the newly-formed family should be primary. (Granted that’s not necessarily true where his teenagers are concerned, but in general, our immediate families shouldn’t be slighted in favor of all things LW.) And Abel, you’re totally right about setting the stage early on. Our first year together, I was home ALONE on Christmas while he went to the LW’s family’s house with the kids…. b/c LW’s mother only wanted “family.” This was a month before we were announcing our engagement. And as Abel said, I wnted to be understanding and sympathetic, so I said nothing. In retrospect, I set the stage early on for years of struggling with where my H’s priorities would lie. Thanks, as always, for a relevant and helpful topic!
I guess where you holiday depends on numerous factors but the new wife should never be made to feel like an outsider or asked to exclude herself for other ppl’s comfort levels.
However, family’s are sometimes a matter of who you decide is family. There is no reason why IL’s can’t become part of the new family’s extended unit provided that they are genuine and supportive, and I think the IL question is a universal one. Many couples struggle with how to divide time and it usually ends up being a default to one family over the other.
True, Anne, but the problem is that the GOW or WOW sometimes feels that the LWs family comes first–even before any time the couple can spend together. Nothing wrong with spending time with the LWs family so long as everyone’s okay with it.
I’ve always been willing to include the LW’s family … my issue is that the LW’s family takes precent over our newly formed family, over my family, and over my husband’s family. Holidays are 2 hours with mine, two hours with his, and entire days with the LW’s family… or even multiple days. (We all live in the same town, and in fact, the LW’s family – - all of them – - live within a stone’s throw of our house, so it’s not a travel issue.) It’s a priority issue, and franky, as his wife, I resent that his former wife’s family is more important to him than spending time with me, or our collective famillies. I agree with Anne to a point, that sometimes we decide who is family. My take is, when you married me, I became first tier family. I and my family should not come second to the family of your former spouse.
I think you are spot on! How long have you been married? What are the children’s ages? Is it too late to call a “time out” and renegotiate the time table. Sometimes we just take and take, trying not to make waves, when some waves are worth making.
Hi! We have been together 5 years, married 3+. Kids ages are 15, 15 and 19. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly fine with including them …and always have . Not just major holidays but others too, Mother’s Day, birthdays, halloween, easter, you name it. My biggest beef is with his LW’s family being of more importance than our newly formed famliy, my family or his family. I realize it’s a manifestation of how things were when he was married to LW (he had no other friends or social outlets outside of her family) but I feel strongly that in marrying me, he should be seeking to establish relationships with my family now as well… and frankly, my family and his should take priority. Doesn’t mean we exclude LW’s family, but it does mean they are no longer “first tier” if you will.
Diney, are you running into similar issues?
No, I was just wondering what I might say to help you. Read my post just below–LW’s family kind of just disappeared for years right after her death–they did all attend our wedding open house, however. LW’s children were never invited to her family functions after she passed–not even when H was still a widower. His family stepped in for the one Christmas they were alone. Now that his kids are older (ages 40 – 47), they each have their own relationships with LW’s siblings, not particularly close, and their grandmother (who was one of my greatest allies) passed about 6 years ago. After being married to me for three years, if my H was still spending most of the holidays with his LW’s family, I would need a really good explanation–and now–not the day before the Thanksgiving. The kids still need to spend some time there, but H–no. I bet his marriage vows said “so long as you both shall live.” If he chose to remarry, and wasn’t forced at gunpoint, he should figure that out–or have some clergy or therapist tell him. I’m surprised that he is so comfortable with them, along with you. We visited on Christmas and Mother’s Day, and talked on the phone occasionally, but that is all. We, meaning H and I, continued to visit until MIL passed, even after all the kids were on their own. They would visit also, but just for an hour or so. My parents became their “grandparents” and still are, as a matter of fact. I really don’t know why–except I don’t think H was particularly comfortable with LW’s family.
We had been married for about 6 months when the holiday season arrived. LW had passed in early November the previous year. I had the kids (his and mine, ages 12, 11, 8,7,5,3) make Thanksgiving cards and mailed them to LW’s mother. Since LW had never hosted either family (or anyone else for that matter) for Thanksgiving, we decided that we would host H’s extended family for dinner–which we did. On Christmas Eve, we invited his folks over for dinner and nativity, and we had our very own “first” Christmas morning as just our “new” family, then we went to my folks for presents and dinner, then to his folks, then to LW’s mother’s–where LW’s family was gathered. We visited and our kids gave their grandmother their gifts, and we went home after an hour or so. H’s children were not included in the name draw among their cousins (LW’s nieces and nephews), (nothing was even said–it was as though they were suddenly acquaintances, not family anymore–but my family included tthe kids as though they were always family)–and my X’s folks also included H’s kids as their own. It made things lots easier–we had 13 grandparents and great-grandparents to keep contact with, and we kind of just treated then all the same. When H and I had children of our own later, they always thought everyone had that many grandparents–and H and I still visited LW’s mother on Christmas and Mother’s Day, along with our children, until she passed, just 4-5 years ago at 96. The main thing is communication–and this is one time that making new traditions is more important (in my mind) than trying to appease. If LW’s mother had said she only wanted “family”, I don’t know what H would have said–but luckily for me, LW’s mother was only too happy to have someone step in and become a mother for her grandchildren. She knew they were needy, having taken a “backseat” to their mother’s health problems for nearly two year, and that is a l-o-n-g time for children that young.
Diney, I’m so sorry about LW’s family treating the children that way, but how fantastic that your family (and even your ex’s!) included them! It’s funny, in our situation, it’s the same. I have one daughter (grown) and my husband has three (not grown) So my daughter doesn’t live at home with us but his of course do. My family treats my stepchildren EXACTLY as the other grandchildren. If you go in my parents house, there are as many photos of my stepdaughters on the walls (after 3 years of marriage) as there are of my daughter. My parents come to their sports events and school events. Celebrate birthdays, Christmas, etc. with them. They’re invited to every grandchild event or outing my mother hosts.
Conversely, and this I find hurtful, my H’s family – father, siblings – doesn’t even acknowledge my daughter at Christmas, on her birthday, etc. (Granted, I realize it “feels” different b/c I’m raising his daughters and my daughter was already raised and had moved out) but… it makes me sad. A few months ago my daughter drove an hour one way to attend my FIL’s huge 80th birthday party, and sat for hours on a Sat night (prime time for a 21 year old haha) with a club full of 80-somethings to support my H’s father. My FIL has never even acknowledged my daughter on a birthday or holiday. So, it just made me really happy to read your post and see how you and your family have treated ALL the children… your family sounds a lot like mine! I’m happy for you at how well your family has blended!!
PS Diney, as far as the holidays and LW’s family, yes, that’s been tough… we spend the entire Christmas day with them, but my family and my H’s family get a couple of hours max (my family the night before, my H’s family Christmas night, after we’ve been at LW’s family’s house from a.m. to p.m. ) I would never exclude them, and at this juncture I think it’s important to spend part of Christmas day (operable word is PART) with them, b/c of our teens. But I think it sends the wrong message to all parties concerned for them to play such a dominant role… above and beyond any time or attention given to my family or his. But then again, that’s been one of the big issues in our marriage i n general… the primary focus on LW’s family over ours (and over me). So any advice you want to offer will be much appreciated! Or just send tequila! haha
A lot of this depends on whether relatives are local or not. It’s a lot easier to visit with multiple family members if they are nearby. It’s far more difficult to make things work in a way that seems fair and not favoring one side when there are longer distances involved or if one side is local and the other lives further away.
In my case, the LW’s mother lived about 4 hours away and had always spent the holidays at her late daughter’s home. After we got married, the former MIL did not want to visit, so my W’s teenage kids spent the holidays with their grandmother – and their father stayed home.
I have a lot of family nearby and I’m accustomed to hosting family dinners, so they would come to my home for holidays. I also have two children from my first marriage and their paternal grandparents would visit.
In hindsight, we should have done things differently. But there was no way I would have traveled to spend Christmas with the former MIL and other members of the LW’s extended family and not seen my own family at Christmas or subjected my kids to their hatefulness.
My kids were younger and they were my priority and I wanted to ensure they had Christmas with their family – not strangers who hated their mom.
My W’s kids complained their dad’s home was “overrun” by my family during the holidays and refused to be here.
I’m not sure what else we could have done. Had my husband gone and spent Christmas with his kids and LW’s family, I would have divorced him on the spot. But he regrets not having spent holidays with his kids after the LW died.
Barbara, you show how tough the balancing act can be sometimes. This is part of the reason MG and I pretty much stay at home during the holidays–too many family members complaining about too many different things.
I agree with Abel except when there are kids involved. In my case, if I forced my kids to spend time with BF’s family (he is a widower, I’m a widow), they would resent both me and him. They would much rather be with my family and LH’s family and I understand that. Similarly, I do not expect my BF’s kids to want to be with my family, either. We figure we’re just going to spend the holidays apart because we cannot upset any of the children, neither mine, nor his. The childrens’ needs come first and we both understand that and are OK with it.
Pam, are you planning on spending the holidays apart after you get married?
We have no plans right now to be married. We’ve glossed over the subject, but we’ve been together less than a year, and we both have teens who are still in pain from losing a parent, so we’ve made the decision to put the children’s needs before our needs. If that means spending the holidays apart, then so be it. When the children are all grown, maybe we will change things. But right now, we all get along the way things are, and since teens in a GOOD situation tend to be volatile, we don’t want to rock the boat with both sets of kids. This works for our situation and we are all happy with it. Besides, we will all spend Dec 26 together, so it actually extends the holiday from 2 days to 3 days, which is a positive, and a few IL’s on both sides will be joining us.
I’m not trying to put anyone down, so don’t I hope no one takes it that way, but since we are both widowed, I think we have a better understanding of the situation than someone who has never gone through it.
This post makes me realize how good I have it. I think communication is key in all aspects of a relationship – especially when it comes to the holidays. My girlfriend and I started talking about this months ago. In our case, my parents and in-laws all live in another state and it was always my habit to give them equal time. Her family is local. The year my daughter was born, her mother and I started waiting to visit our families the week after Christmas so we could have our own traditions. So this year, my parents and in-laws will get equal time and we will make it a point to spend time with my girlfriend’s family prior to that. It’s a plan everyone is on board with largely because we are being fair to all three families.
On a side note, I believe that kids should be able to spend time with the late wife’s family, but not at the expense of not spending time with their dad. In some of the situations above, the widower needs to grow a backbone and tell her family they can see thw kids when yhey are ready to treat EVERYONE like family.
3SF, this is a great example on how to talk things through, come up with a plan that makes you, your GF, and child happy!
In my situation, when we first got married, his oldest daughter was 16 and already had a driver’s license and car so they went where they wanted for holidays. My W did stand up for me and broke off nearly all contact with the LW’s family. But he had no ability to control what his kids did. I don’t blame him for any of it.
Our first holiday after we got married was Thanksgiving. I still had my house and was having much of my extended family over. I go all out for holiday dinners. I love cooking. My W’s two girls were suppose to be there at 2, but never showed. Their dad was very concerned, couldn’t get in contact with them. Finally about 5, we got a call and they were down with the LW’s family.
Then that Christmas, their dad didn’t even bother fighting with them over being there. It was the first Christmas after their mother died, so everyone made excuses for their behavior and why they didn’t want to be anywhere near me, my kids or my family.
So, out of curiosity, how to you and MG split time between family during the holidays.
I’ve been in a relationship for over five years. It was established from day one that my W was not looking for marriage. I’ve actually given up on the holidays as of last year. It was too much of a hassle and hurt feelings about what time I would see him after he attended the LW’s family dinners. Two years ago he chose to spend one of the major holidays with me and not his LW’s family. I thought we were making progress until the next year when he forgot he spent the holiday with me the previous year and insisted that he’s always gone to his inlaws. Yes, I’ve been invited to join him, but feel uncomfortable when they go down memory lane and have decided that this is not how I want to spend holidays. I have very few family left, so my holidays are pretty quiet. To keep peace, I’ve told my W that he is free to spend all of his holidays with his inlaws to keep his tradition going. I truly understand his reluctance and accept it without hurt feelings. Also, his daughter and grandchildren now live with him and he doesn’t want to abandon them for the holidays. He’s a very kind person and is good to me when we’re together, and I’m happy to have the time to myself to either cook a big meal, or sit and relax after working all week. There’s no tug of war. There’s no guilt.
I have been married 3 years to a widower. When my husband came along i felt like cinderella and felt that if God had made more men like him alot of woman would be happy. My husband lost his wife in an auto accident 4 years ago. before we got married i asked him if he was ready to try and build a new life i wasnt sure what to call it. but he said yes. my husband it hard and seems to be bitter. and he gets angry over things such as the cord on the vacume cleaner not being wrapped up right. i feel like i am a very good wife. they were married for 32 years. i think i know everything about her. i have to here all the time how she died him telling someone on the phone or someone who has come over. i asked him why he does this and he said he likes the sympathy. i try to understand because i love him. he says what he wants no matter if it hurts your feelings. he has adult kids 1 daughter and son in law have been very mean to me and say things and told me if i told my husband they would deny it. it seems like they are so worried about what they are going to get when my husband passes i have been having to put up with this for 3 years and each time i tell them they need to talk to him. like i said i love my husband very all my heart and try my best to make him happy but feel like i am failing. I dont feel like he needs me in his life. i cry and toss and turn because i feel like i am a failure. my husband on and off still refers to his wife who passed as his wife. its hard for me to feel like his wife. sometimes i feel sick because i am affraid i am loosing him, and for his adult kids they name it and he gives them whatever they want in one year he spent 150,000 on 3 kids. if i try to say anything about them he is very defensive, but behind his back they bad mouth him. i guess thats about it there is alot more but dont want to get into it all thank you for lisening
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