Widower Wednesday: What It’s Like Dating a Widower
July 18th, 2012 | 58 comments
One of the reasons, or so I’m told, that GOWs and WOWs find this website and support groups helpful is that unless you’ve actually dated a widower, it’s hard to understand the unique issues that arise and must be worked through. Instead these women are often told by those who have never dated a widower is it’s like dating a divorced man or any other guy “with a past.”
Nothing could be further from the truth.
In order to help others better understand what girlfriends and wives of widowers sometimes have to worth, I’ve compiled a list of issues that can come up when dating a widower. The purpose of this list isn’t to slam those who are widowed. There’s nothing wrong with widowers wearing a wedding ring, planting a memorial garden, plastering their homes in photos of the late wife, organizing a 5k in her memory, or anything else on this list. They only get in the way when widowers start dating again and get serious with someone.
That being said, here’s the list. Feel free to add your own to the comments section below. And big thanks to the GOWs and WOWs on Facebook who helped compile it.
***
How many divorced or single men:
- Have shrines to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in their living room?
- Hold the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends as a perfect saint who can never be spoken ill of?
- Have a giant portrait of the ex-wives/ex-girlfriend on the wall of their office?
- Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing in the closet?
- Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends make-up and other toiletries still in the bathroom?
- Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends lingerie and sex toys in their chest of drawers?
- Want to be buried next to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Have a bedroom in their home dedicated and reserved for the family of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Talk about how their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends were great athletes, professionals, moms, and an all around perfect human being?
- Wear rings that symbolize their love for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Organize and participate in 5ks or other charitable events in the name of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Wants to be reunited with their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in the next life?
- Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends pots, pans, dishes, spices, etc. in the kitchen?
- Have the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends voice on their answering machine?
- Live in a house that has their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends touches everywhere?
- Have photographs of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends in every room?
- Have tattoos of their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends that they’re not willing to get rid of?
- Wants to spend time with the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends family?
- Ask if you want the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends clothing, jewelry, or other personal items?
- Tell you how often their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends took their breath away every time they looked at him?
- Constantly compare you or have family members that constantly compare you to their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Make a giant six-acre heart-shaped meadow for their ex-wives/ex-girlfriends?
- Get a wistful expression on their face talk about the ex-wives/ex-girlfriends for hours on end?
Got more you want to add? You can do so in the comments below.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
It was like reading a list of my experience. I would also add being called the LW’s name and feeling like a placeholder by most of the family. Spot on…
I’m divorced and while I hold no ill will toward my ex, I certainly don’t pine over my lost relationship. Lesson learned.
well said, ellie…i agree…btdt
omg! really?? seriously??? thats just sad, and SICk…he needs counseling, asap
really? oh wow…that would not set well with me at all…
or…how about wanting you to cook her dishes…or how about wanting you to accept LW family as yours and his..and visit them hours on end…
Good ones, Sherry.
Refers to ex-wife as “my wife”, even after being married to you for three times as long as previous marriage.
Starts sentences with “We always. . . or We never . . . ” meaning ex-wife.
Even after nearly 40 years of marriage, I can identify with most of Abel’s list.
That’s a new one. I’m adding it to the list!
Awesome, Heather. Glad you guys were able to set boundaries and work things out. Congrats on (almost) two years together.
My husband moved on very quickly after the LW died, so most of my problems are related to others.
Let me add:
- Have old friends and acquaintances they meet when out come up and reminisce about their ex-wife’s wedding.
Then there’s the whole differences between divorced parents and widowed parents. I’m divorced and have two kids. My ex-husband was abusive and an alcoholic and my kids understand that and have nothing to do with him. There’s no pictures of him in our house and my kids have accepted their stepfather as their father.
My widower’s daughters, on the other hand, have devoted their entire lives to being obsessed with preserving their mother’s memory and never forgiving their father for remarrying.
How many kids of divorced:
- Have shrines with their parents wedding pictures?
- Need to mention their mother every five minutes in a conversation with their stepmother?
- Cry hysterically when anything in the house is changed from the way their mother left it?
- Refuse to allow anything their mother ever owned to be thrown away?
- Cry about how holidays are “wrong” because things aren’t the same as when their mom was there?
- Rant about their father not loving their mother?
- Use their father remarry as “proof” their father didn’t love their mom?
How sad Barbara. They can’t see that they are only making their own lives miserable by not moving forward…hard for you to endure but crippling themselves. Sad…
No, they can’t see that. They only care that their entire lives are devoted to making sure their mother is never forgotten and is a daily part of their lives. If their father was doing everything on Abel’s list, they would be the happiest people on the planet.
When you try to argue that their mom would want their dad to be happy and move on, they argue back that their mom wouldn’t want to be forgotten and thrown away like garbage.
There’s no reasoning with them and they’ve been in therapy for years. It’s made them even more devoted to defending their mother’s memory at all costs and judging anything their father does to move on as proof that he never loved their mother.
@Barbara, that sounds so familiar. We recently tried a sit-down with oldest SD (30) to clear the air and see if we could find a way to move forward in a more positive way. It didn’t go well. DH finally gave up and told her that he couldn’t have a relationship with her as long as she refused to respect his autonomy as an adult who ran his own life and as long as she continued to deliberately hurt me. She waited 2 weeks and then emailed him to say that she thought he had misinterpreted her motives and that she was sad he had chosen to shut her out of his life. How do you talk to someone whose sole mission in life is to keep her mother’s memory front and center at all times and who refuses to see her behavior as problematic?
I really don’t know. My stepdaughters are the same way. They can’t face the reality that their father’s life didn’t end when their mother died like theirs did. He moved on, he’s happy and doesn’t really think that much about his late wife.
They choose to continue to be loyal to their mom and see everything their dad does as a betrayal of their mom as if she’s still alive and he’s cheating on her with me.
They refuse to have anything to do with him now despite his continued attempts to reconcile.
Wow! I’m glad I’m not the only one whose step-children (all over 18 by the way) can’t stand the fact that their father moved on. We’ve been together over 3 years and I have absolutely no kind of relationship with the “children”. I’ve tried being nice..being respectful, etc. It’s come to the point where only one lives with us now and doesn’t speak to me…can’t wait til we are empty-nesters!!! Also, hubby just got rid of meds of LW (she’s been gone 7 years). Some magnets on fridge (not pics), put away alot of pics and only has a few in a common area now, but the kids had a fit….luckily, he is standing up for “US”. Patience is a virtue
THE KIDS ARE KEEPING THE WIDOWER FROM MOVING ON ALSO
As the gf of a widower for 3 1/2 years, I always felt very fortunate that my widower bf NEVER talked about his late wife. Although I have to admit that I found this a little unsettling as well. But I convinced myself that although yes, he had been married to her and loved her for almost 20 years, he had grieved and moved past that part of his life. Now I feel that I was sadly mistaken about that. For him, I feel that he has been holding all along this invisible, silent standard that he has compare me to without saying a word. This standard is so high and so unreachable that it is not possible to EVER hurdle over it. I came to this realization after our last discussion about marriage, which is what I was always led to believe we were working toward. We have even purchased a home together over a year ago! There was always something to wait for so that we could get married, some excuse. Well, now that all those excuses have gone by there is still no marriage proposal and no reason to believe there ever will be. One day it becomes glaringly, undeniably obvious that he will NEVER be able to commit to me and love me the way he did his LW. And now I find that because I feel so unworthy and not good enough, I have stopped giving so much and feel myself pulling away. I feel very resentful as I have given my whole heart, life and soul to this man. And he is perfectly content to just keep things status quo. He has the best of all worlds, someone to keep his house, cook his meals, do his laundry. With no commitment whatsoever. I love this man dearly, but I dont foresee myself being able to live this way indefinitely. Eventually I will have to scrape up whats left of my self esteem and leave. And that will break my heart. This is not how I ever envisioned our happily ever after.
Ouch. I can see why you thought he’d moved on if he never talked about his late wife. Thanks for sharing your experience. If breaking this connection is best for you, please do it. You’re more than a housekeeper, by far!
I am sorry you are going through this as I feel that I am in the same sort of situation. I feel that my widower will never want to make a serious committment to our relationship as well. And I feel like I am being taken advantage of when I do so much to take cre of him as well as work full time and raise my kids. When I tried to tell him how I felt he told me he appreciates everything I do for him. Well I dont doubt that but I want more than appreciation for cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I would like to know that he is commited to me and our relationship not jus
I meant to finish by saying that I would like to be more than just a convenience in my relationship. More than a housekeeper. I am not so sure any more.
I AM ENGAGED TO A WIDOWER, HE FINALLY REMOVED MOST OF HER PICTURES BUT THERE ARE STILL 21 IN THE LIVINGROOM AND HALLWAY. HE DID PUT PICTURES OF US UP ALSO, NOW HE THINKS I SHOULD GO TO THE RELAY FOR LIFE WITH HIM. THERE WILL BE A SHRINE TO HIS WIFE, HE WEARS A SHIRT THAT SAYS HUSBAND AND THE PICTURES OF HIM AND HER WILL BE ALL OVER! HE DOESN’T GET IT.
Time to walk away….
Not ready for engagement…should be broken until he is truly ready to move on, In my opinion.
definitely time to walk away…..run away if possible
TOTALLY AGREE, MINE HAS 106 PICTURES OF HER AND THEM TOGETHER AND 2 OF US TOGETHER.
HE HAS A CROSS CHAIN THAT HE WEARS ALL THE TIME EXCEPT WHEN WE ARE INTIMATE AND HAS A PICTURE OF THEM AND THEIR LOVE NOTES IN HIS NIGHT STAND
I think that these experiences and abels list go to also show what a fine line it is when youre in a relationship with a W. I
No matter the situation, I still find it hard to know what actions are still unacceptable and at what point in the relationship. No dynamic between a woman and her W are the same and I think that also makes it so difficult to know when to move on and when to hold out and be understanding
@Alisha, it is sometimes a fine line but if a man is ready to move forward and commit to another woman, he will be clear on that point with himself, the woman and all others around him, including his children. He will demonstrate that clarity through his words AND his actions. Issues and behavior, like displaying pictures and referring to a LW in the present, can be sorted out, but commitment is either present or not. A person who needs to hang on to the past is not ready to move forward and love another completely. I can only speak for myself, but believe that I would have chosen to be alone before settling for something less than 100% of my husband’s love. Fortunately he has always been very clear on his decision to move forward with me and me alone. He had his LW for 30 years and I don’t begrudge him his life or his memories, but in 2012 I am the woman he goes to bed with each night and shares coffee with each morning.
Maybe the line should be drawn when something makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. Maybe it’s really not that complicated in a mutually loving healthy relationship. Relationships should feel good, comfortable, healthy, positive and moving in the forward direction with the focus being each other. If it doesn’t feel right, maybe it isn’t. It shouldn’t feel so complicated or heavy on the soul. I think it should feel healthy and right and his actions should make you feel wonderful. Maybe things won’t always be perfect but he should always be showing you your number 1. Maybe the answer is how we each feel in our relationship.
It’s not a fine line at all. If you are spending more than half of your time wondering, confused, feeling second best, and if actions contradict words more often than not – reassessment is in order.
And reassessing doesn’t automatically mean breaking up. It’s a way for you to decide changes need to happen for the relationship to continue, voicing them to him and then standing up for your own happiness.
You can’t love or patience someone into changing, and the real question that needs to be answered is “what if nothing ever really changes or improves? what if this is it?” Could you be okay with that?
We sometimes go into relationships expecting changes instead of realizing that often, ppl/situations are exactly who they are and aren’t very likely to ever be much different.
@Lannie- I think you said it all when you said”what if nothing ever really changes or improves, could you be okay with that?’ That is really the ultimate question. Are you willing to set aside your hopes and dreams and settle for less than you were originally promised in order to stay in the relationship? And how ultimately will that affect your relationship down the road? Im afraid there could be alot of resentment that is so difficult to keep inside. Thats how I feel anyway, and Im afraid in time as much as I love my W, I will no longer be able to live that way.
Lynn and Lisa that’s is what I was unable to pen. It should not be so complicated (perhaps some initial bumps) and it should make you feel good. Life is to short to be in an unhealthy relationship and if you’re not yet married to him it’s a great time to evaluate your goals and deserves. It’s not all about widower late wife his kids, past, and memories. It’s about you. It’s about him. It’s about your relationship. Plain and simple. Figure out what you can and cannot live with. We each deserve what we hope and dream
About in a relationship. Especially if we are giving what we desire. Don’t look at what can or might be. Look at what is and judge based on reality, not a fantasy or potential. It’s only fair to all involved. Otherwise what you choose to overlook now might very well come back to bite you.
Sorry lannie
You are right on–because it has been my experience in the 36+ years I have been married that nothing really changes. And as my DH gets further along in yeasr (76 now) he remembers more and more of those first glorious 12 with LW, and less and less of what we did together. Yes, there is resentment building.–on my part. But if I say anything, I’m narrow minded, selfish, etc. Things he promised could change, haven’t, and now I know, won’t. Instead of making new burial arrangements with me, he will be laid to rest with her. Sentences begun with “We….” include me less and less. I agree with KT–but I surely don’t know what to do about it–because I tried to take a stand early, early on, and was assured it would change.
I wish I knew what to say but I do not as this is my very big fear with my widower.
diney, my husband is also in his 70s and he’s becoming more and more nostalgic as the years past. We have an understanding where we never talk about the LW or his daughters, but I’ve been noticing him talking more about them to others.
Tonight he was playing with my son’s 8 year old stepdaughter and I heard him telling her about something his daughters used to do and mentioned the LW. His daughters have no contact with us and my son’s stepdaughter has no idea who they are or about the LW. It was very strange for him to mention them and made for a very awkward moment for everyone. He never used to do things like this but now it’s happening more frequently.
I would never tolerate him saying “we” and meaning the LW and he knows it.
I don’t understand why after all these years he’s bringing up things when he never spoke about any of this for nearly 2 decades.
One fear of mine has been this very nostalgia. From a medical perspective I also worried about dementia where the more recent memories fade, leaving the past ones behind longer. Ive been through a lot in my heart with my widower. Who is to say what will happen in the future. The only guarantees in life is uncertainty of the future because no one really knows what will happen and change, because life is dynamic. But the fear is there for me and it’s not only you two but it is also from others that I have heard and seen it. I read of a lady whose husband was on his death bed reminiscing and crying for the first wife who had long since died, to the current wife who embraced his emotions out of love for him. I don’t know if I would have the strength for that. Maybe my fears are unfounded and irrational because a good piece of advice I once got from a dear friend is don’t write tge script before it happens. The late wife’s memory will always be there I think more than mine because a certain type of history was created there with all the firsts, the child bearing an the duration she’s been around before and after her death. I struggle with all this but I tell myself I shouldn’t. Romantic relationships are just so different. And though there’s no room for a third person in a relationship I guess death changes everything. I never imagined facing some of the issues I’ve had while I’ve always fantasized this experience would be more like next weeks posting. Interestingly this weeks got a lot more responses than the one posted as next week. We all dream of being cherished and the one and only current active love ( loving feelings are ok). The relationship today and now should be in the forefront. My thoughts seem as rambled and jumbled as my feelings.
I hope I won’t date, let alone fall in love with a man who is enmeshed with a late wife. Maybe grieving involves dating before we’re ready. That’s understandable. A transitional relationship can erase the image of the late partner. In my case I’ve experienced both the giving and receiving end of the ‘transitional’ relationship. Though each came with a tears, each was a gift, because each brought my heart back to life.
I will admit that when clearing out LW’s dresser drawers a long time back I picked up some of her ‘unmentionables’ (Hah, talk about an archaic term), paused for a few moments of very sweet memories of our years of intimacy, and then all were tossed into a box for garbage pick-up. But really, a bed in the walk-in? That’s not grief. That’s just plain creepy.
I TELL YOU, I BELIEVE IT…..My widower ex husband told me that he WORE his dead wife’s underwear for a month after she died….sure wish I knew that before I married him….
This guy sounds remarkably articulate and self aware. This is an inspiring story, and a lesson for me to not blindly plunge ahead with magical thinking. I’m glad to hear your bond is enduring.
Hi Heather: Would you mind sharing a bit about what it as like when ‘he was navigating through the emotionally sharged waters of falling in love while still having feelings for his LW’? I have been dating a widower for 9 months, and we did fall in love, and though the love is still there, he feels absolutely stuck in a position of feeling he’s betraying her….knowing in his mind that the obligation to her is completed but his heart doesn’t get it. And he now feels caught in a rock and hard place as he feels he’s betraying me too by not loving me in the way I deserve and he wants to. Any insight would be welcome in terms of perhaps hope that in time he will work through this? Thanks.
I would like to know what it is like as well
Jeez… yes!
I dated a W for 9 months. It turned out to be a complete waste of time and I gave it my all. I was at first entirely understanding and ready to help him and his young child through, all while having my own child. The shrine in the living room, constant memorials and having to hang out with her family very often was simply too much. Myself, my family and events/ things I wanted to do were second to this woman who was dead for five years. I honestly believe that if a man wants to find new love he will open up completely and not drag someone through hell. I had an open heart and love to give and I was completely used and ultimately ditched even though I initiated the actual break up. I was sad and heartbroken. If you want to love someone forever and be buried next to them, memorialize them, attend their family functions beyond the scope of normal- then the W has no business trying to date or trying to move on. Clearly they are not ready and nobody should be put through what I had to be just for trying to love again as well.
I am SO glad that I found this site! I have been “dating” a W for over a year now. He asked me out for the 1st time 3 months after losing LW. He was so afraid of her family knowing he was dating again. I took a lot of things in stride, let myself be hid in the background. Figuring it would just be a matter of time before he was OK with me being front and center. Wrong! After each mention of her name, her likes and dislikes, etc I found my self esteem beginning to drop.
I have been upfront lately about where is this going, asking him what does he want? His reply… I don’t know what I want. Couldn’t have gotten any clearer than that I guess.
Yesterday I told him that I don’t want to do this anymore. He sat with a stunned silence for a moment, began to say something (I know it was going to be about how he still LOVES her, not LOVED her). I stopped him and said, Enough! If you’re planning on saying ANOTHER thing that hurts me, I don’t want to hear it!
So thank you for the advice, and the courage to say what needed to be said.
Glad you found the site helpful!
[...] http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/what-its-like-dating-a-widower/ [...]
Thank you for this web site! I’ve been looking for support. Some of this is so familiar! I’ve been married for two years and my husband’s wife was killed in an accident he blames himself for causing 5 years ago. He dated immediately after her death and was even engaged prior to our meeting, so he was trying hard to move forward. We’ve had open and frank conversations about her being the love of his life. He now says I am the love of his life, which feels so much better. Everyone loved her and her and I would have been friends. It was his decision to marry me and we’ve had blunt conversations about her being a memory in his heart but his commitment is now to me, while we are alive and we need to be planning our future. I have been very fortunate that HER children have accepted me, HIS daughter has accepted me and MY children have accepted him. Just when I feel like he’s put the past in the past he does something or says something that feels like a slap in the face. After two years, he finally removed HER name from his checking/savings account and added mine but when asked he reported she had been dead 5 years 11 months and ? days! YIKES! But, then his next comment was that I was his wife and that I had tolerated more than most women would have when it came to his grief and that little by little he was moving forward. All her things have been given to HER children, it’s HER house I’m living in and my things are slowly being moved upstairs and I’ve actually lived in the house longer than she did but it was built for her and I honestly haven’t felt a need to re-decorate and it’s doesn’t bother my husband to move things around or get rid of her decorations any more. I have continued to maintain my own interests and if he joins great, if not I still go and do. I would like to hear about what boundaries some of you have set…what do you tolerate and what shouldn’t you tolerate? Thank you so much for this forum!
Yes, the love of his life. After making that comment to several people in front of me I asked him flat out…”What does that make me? Second best?” Now he says “I am the love of his life…she was the love of his life.”
Great list…must add “That HER name is left on the bank account.” Finally after two years of marriage her name has been removed and my name is on his account…he ran out of checks…lol
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