Widower Wednesday: What if She Dies?
January 11th, 2012 | 17 comments
The following comment was posted in the comment section of a previous blog entry. It was a good enough question that I thought it would make a good Widower Wednesday topic.
My W and I are living together and talking about marriage. We were talking about it awhile back. I was trying to figure out why he was so resistant. He screamed out “I did that once and she died.” I’ve encouraged him to speak with his counselor about this. How do you overcome the feeling that love equals loss?
He repeatedly tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We even are planning on children. I’ve told him my reason for putting off children is him putting off marriage.
I understand your boyfriend’s concern. When I was falling head over heels for Marathon Girl I had to stop and think about whether or not I wanted to go through the possibility of losing someone again. At the time I was still reeling from Krista’s suicide and there was a part of me that knew if I fell in love again, there was the possibility (however slight) that she could pass on before me and I’d be a widower again. Yet that same chance of death existed (even though the thought never crossed my mind) when I married Krista. Yet I still married her.
We all know that we’ll eventually all pass on to the next life but that doesn’t stop millions of people from getting married every year. Thousands of widows and widowers fall in love and willingly tie the knot a second time even though they have firsthand experience of losing a spouse.
Why do they do this?
Because when you fall in love with someone enough to marry them, you want to experience all of life with that person. And life isn’t always pretty. After you get married, yes, one of you could eventually die but you could also go broke, lose a child, have the bank foreclose your home, become sick or ill with a horrible disease, get fired from your job, total your car, or experience other setbacks that are part of life.
When I married Marathon Girl, I knew there were no guarantees in life. Together we’ve experienced hard times and good times together but with her by my side the downs have been more bearable and the ups have been more enjoyable. We’re a team and we’ll be together until one of us parts from this life and then, if all goes well, we’ll be together forever in the next.
I don’t know your boyfriend well enough to know whether he’s really freaked out about losing your or simply playing the widower card because he doesn’t know if he loves you enough to tie the knot. But I do know that once people find that special someone all the concerns about what might happen go out the door. Whatever his reason, I think you’re wise to put off having children until he’s put a ring on your finger and made vows to love you forever.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
One of the realities of second marriages/committed relationships of any kind is that you no longer have the naivete you did when you entered the first.
For divorcees, the fear is a second divorce. For widowers, it is the fear of losing a spouse again.
ALL marriages/relationships eventually end, either by divorce or death. I’ve already gone through divorce. This time, I prefer death to be the knockout factor, as I want this marriage to last as long as possible.
Knowing that death is inevitable makes relationships more reality-based, not fantasy-based, in my opinion. I don’t think this is a bad thing.
My husband wrestled with the same fear that this writer’s boyfriend is. His wish is that he dies before I do so he doesn’t have to be a widower again, though he knows and accepts that I could die first. I counter (jokingly) and say my wish is that we go together, perhaps in a plane crash as we return from 40th wedding anniversary trip to Spain.
In truth, we know this is not a question either one of us has control over, so we are just going to take life as it comes, side by side.
Abel is correct in that a ton of other tragedies can happen. Living a happy life after tragedy is not easy, but people do pull it off. This is a trait I admire in widowers such as Abel and my own husband as well as in friends and acquaintances and famous people who have lived through horrible things such as war, sexual abuse, drug addiction, poverty, etc.
I agree with the advice here: Don’t put parenthood before commitment, and be sure his commitment is genuine and trustworthy. This woman should make sure her commitment is just as solid, too.
it’s not a small thing to lose a spouse to death and Abel is right. when you love someone enough, you will risk it again. I knew I was ready to marry my second husband because the risk of losing him one day and being widowed again wasn’t as important to me as being his wife now was. He is a widower and came to the same conclusion himself – ii was well worth the risk.
I am not sure why your W thinks that not being married but sharing children will somehow protect him. Having children is a huge thing and raising them alone after losing their mother would not be all that much different from being widowed again. Perhaps he needs to talk with counselor to find out exactly why he feels as he does and if he is going to be able to get past it. Good luck.
You are right to put off children until he is ready to marry.
You are wise to wait on children. The truth is that most of us wander through life with this mental misconception that bad things won’t happen to us (the naivete Karen M. mentioned). We know it’s a possibility in our heads, but that reality does not penetrate to our cores. Dealing with the shattering of that naivete is one of the struggles that survivors (widowers and children) must work through.
I had the exact same thought (I’ve tried that before, and she died) bombard my thoughts on more than one occasion when my wife and I were getting serious. I considered it moping, and pushed the thought out of my head, reminding myself that marriage did not cause the death.
The reality is that had I given in to those thoughts, I would have lost my new wife just as surely as I had lost the first one. Love simply does not exist without loss. One day, either my wife or I will pass away. The odds are fervently against us dying at the same time. Of course, I could never wish that she would die first because I want her to live forever, but I would prefer that she be spared the pain of losing me.
It sounds like the poster’s boyfriend is being a little self centered. He is focusing on his own fears, and hoping that he dies first not to protect her from harm but to protect himself from pain. Love is willing to endure the loss, or at least the potential for loss, because the opportunity to be with the one who is loved is worth the risk.
Wait for him to be ready. Certainly wait to have children until he is ready to commit. But don’t wait too long.
That was my comment. How floored was I to come here and see it as today’s topic?!? We’ve talked about it more since then. He even said he’s *almost* popped the question more than once. I think he definitely is focusing on his own fears, but that’s something he’ll have to overcome before he can feel comfortable remarrying. I don’t think he’s just playing the W card. Fortunately for me, that’s something he’s never really done. I think we’ll get there. I’ll keep you all posted!
Thanks for the update, Erin. Glad he’s not simply playing the W card. Keep us all posted.
There is only one way to ensure that you will never be hurt by love, and that is to never love. I understand the W’s fear of loving and losing again, but if you are at the point of discussing marriage and children, then isn’t he already at risk of losing another woman he loves? Putting a ring on your finger will not change his devastation level should something happen to you, if he is already in love with you.
I have two brothers who have experienced the loss of women they loved. My oldest brother lost his wife to cancer. My second oldest lost his fiancee to complications from diabetes and epilepsy. The former actually dealt with it better and healed faster than the latter. So just saying “I do” (or not saying it) is not protection from loss.
I also have another brother (4 total, this one is third oldest) who has chosen to be a perennial bachelor and never have children. When he was younger he would pay lip service to the idea of marrying and having a family someday, but despite dating a plethora of really neat women, he never did. He just was unwilling to take the risk of loving and commitment that might leave him vulnerable to hurt …so he is now in his 50s and utterly alone.
Once I worked with a woman who was briefly married, then divorced with no children. She lived (again, at age well over 50) with his widowed mother, and was an only child. On the other hand, I had my husband, both parents, 8 children, 6 of whom were married, grandchildren arriving occasionally, and three siblings, etc. Every time one of these folks needed me (and that happened often) and used up some of my time, she would remark-”-Boy, I’m glad I don’t have anyone intruding on my time. I’m glad I don’t have to do thus-and-such”–whatever was needed. Well, now her mother has passed, and she is utterly, utterly alone, and in ill health. She doesn’t even have anyone to complain to, let alone do things for her or with her. I’d love to ask her how being totally alone is working for her–but I finally had to exit her life, because of the constant put-downs. You are right, Cait, the only way to ensure that you will never be hurt by love is to never love–but what a lonely, lonely existance. Don’t we learn, grow, and become more of who we want to be by traveling a road with sorrow and solice, sadness and happiness, giving and taking, bad and good, etc.!
Sorry–she lived with HER widowed mother.
Wow. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.
As a widower, it worried me that I was not more concerned with the thought of losing my girlfriend. I felt like I should be, and I’ve certainly thought about the possibility at length, but it hasn’t plagued me like I thought it should. I think Cait hit the nail on the head – I’m already in love with her and losing her would not be any worse after we exchange rings than it would be at this very moment.
That said, I’m going to go think about something other than losing her now.
Love that comment! Especially coming from a widower.
yes, going to have to say sorry to this poor woman who had the initial question…yes, he most likely is playing the widower card, it becomes so easy to do, I watched happen, and everytime he pulled some stunt it was expected to be excused “because I’m a widower…and the every present…”everybody accept all my bad behavior because I am having a grief moment”
Abel did a GREAT job putting it out there that yes … everyone including the WIDOWER will eventually go on to the next place…as well as
we all will have fender benders, burn dinner, fall on the ice, have the flu really bad, lose cable or dish tv before a big game…and number of other earth shattering
calamities…
using the “possibility” you might die too is a red flag, cuz honey
we all will and this W knows it
give it some thougth but maybe it is time to say
to the W “don’t have time for y’alls bad things that might happen list”…. speaking from experience, this is one of the more pathetic excuses Ws use…
good topic and glad Abel Keogh covered it, and did it with class.
i’m a remarried widow. My New husband once said he wouldn’t want me to “go through all that again.” I laughed: “you mean you want me to die first?! No thanks!”
As much as I hated caregiving (LH had stage IV cancer for 2 years) I’d rather do it than be dead.
It took time to get to this perspective, but seriously. Look at the alternatives! Die alone? Die first? Hell no. I’d choose widowhood a second time any damn day.
I feel the same way, Supa dupa.
Love your spirit here! You make me laugh.
I told my husband that if the universe was listening, I’d gladly be the one to hang out and let him go first. He and the universe nearly took me up on that in 2010 when R had his heart attack. Can’t say I was ready for it a second time really despite the fact that I no perfectly well that it can all up and end on me w/out any notice.
But as to preferring life to death that is a matter of what you know and we only know being alive, so naturally that is what we choose. Either way, there is nothing to be afraid of or worry about. R or me. It makes no difference in terms of what widowhood is or whether or not our kids will be okay. We are both well-versed and I am not wasting a lot of time worrying about it.
all the above comments are very interesting…enlightening as well…widowers do pull the “die before me, darling” card too often…and it is self centered…possibly enlightening in the fact that the use is generally to avoid committment?? just my honest opinion…hoping to be wrong…married to a widower for 2 yrs …a widower that pulled this same card except i didnt buy it at the time…so we moved past that issue…being a wife of a widower is not for the faint hearted or weak …it has/deserves a category all its own ….hoping the lady contemplating children with such widower above really , really, thinks about this…until he commits ( not willing to commit may have NOTHING to do with his being a widower) i would NOT have his children or any other binding committment as well….maybe use time to really think about this relationship….