Widower Wednesday: Wedding Receptions
July 27th, 2011 | 40 comments
Quick reminder: I’ll be appearing on an internet radio show tomorrow (Thursday) at 10:00 a.m. EDT to discuss marrying a widower. You can find a link to listen to the show and a call in number here.
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The other day I received an email from someone who’s about to marry a widower. Though she was excited to be starting a new life with this man she wasn’t looking forward to their wedding reception. She felt that most of the guests he invited were the late wife’s friends and her family members. Even though the reception is for them, she felt like it was going to look like “their” reception—only without the late wife. When she talked to the widower about it, he didn’t understand what the big deal was since he was inviting people who were still close to him. His response left the woman feeling hurt, in tears, and unsure if she could get through this special day.
Wedding receptions are occasions for the bride and groom to celebrate their marriage and receive friend and family for the first time as a married couple. The soon-to-be husband was married before and so it seems natural to me that he’d want to invite friends of him and the LW as well as her family. Back when Marathon Girl and I tied the knot, I invited many friends that the late wife and I hung out with as well her brother, grandmother, and other family members. I would have been upset if Marathon Girl objected to inviting those who I cared about simply because they were friends with or related to the late wife.
So unless your future husband is inviting people who are going to cause a scene or are extremely upset that he’s remarrying, I don’t see a problem with having the LWs friend and family in attendance. If anything, attending the reception might be a good way for them to realize that he’s starting a new chapter in his life and help them start a new chapter in theirs.
Instead of worrying about who’s coming to the reception and look forward to a new life with your new husband. As long as he has your back and is treating you like number one now, then, and for the rest of your life together, what does it matter who comes to the reception? Though lots of people came, I can only clearly recall a handful of people who attended mine. What I do remember about that day is that Marathon Girl looked gorgeous and I was so damn excited to start a new life together with her by my side. (I still wake up thinking I’m the luckiest guy in the world.)
Instead worrying about who’s coming, relax and make the most of a day that’s meant to publicly celebrate your new life and future together. As long as you feel like the center of his universe, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Agreed. I don’t understand the preoccupation with a guy’s past life when you knew he had a past life going in. Family and friends who are supportive should be no big deal. And really, the day is so hectic and exciting, a person – as you point out – really only remembers their new spouse and a handful of other details anyway. Focus on the new life and love to come. Let go of the rest.
This entirely depends on a lot of details that we don’t have in this case. Is this bride being married in a large ceremony, with a couple hundred guests? Or is hers like mine, a tiny ceremony with less than two dozen people, in my MIL’s living room? Or anything in between?
What and how much the bride will remember depends on a lot more than her state of mind and willpower. Does her family live out of state, and therefore the majority of the people present are going to be the “other” family? Are there people among the invited who have been ugly or unwelcoming or just plain cold to the bride to be? Is it going to be a relatively small wedding, where poor behavior will be very noticeable and the imbalance in the guest list overwhelmingly apparent? This is HER WEDDING. She has the right to have more say in how it happens, and she also has the right to say it’s not happening at all, if this is how this man is going to treat her concerns during their life together.
IMO, if the groom feels the need to have his former life represented, then it would be far more appropriate to choose a few of the closest friends/family members from his former life, rather than inviting so many that the bride feels overwhelmed by them. What is wrong with a compromise like that? It is an acknowledgement of his former life, and a chance to have those who are most important there on his special day; yet gives his new bride the (well deserved) feeling that he is trying to make her happy and make this about their new relationship, not solely about himself.
“As long as he has your back and is treating you like number one now, then, and for the rest of your life together, what does it matter who comes to the reception?”
Abel, I believe the entire point of this woman’s email was that she does NOT feel that he has her back, nor that he is treating her like number one. Any time a bride walks away from a conversation with her husband-to-be in tears and dreading her own wedding, there is a man who needs his head pulled out of his nether regions. Maybe she’s right and maybe she’s not, but to treat her feelings with such disregard that she is hating the thought of having to endure her own wedding, is simply inexcusible. There are ways for things to be said and done, and compromises made, that could have prevented all of this. “Get over it and focus on what I say you should focus on” is nothing any man should ever say to the woman he is supposedly pledging his life to. I believe what she is saying is that she does NOT feel like the center of his universe; far from it, in fact.
I have an update. Will post soon.
Shoot. I wish that any of my H’s family and friends had been there on our wedding day….it was very small, but it was just mutual friends and my friends…none that were “just” his, per se. I felt bad for him, a little, but of course, it was a great time to introduce him to many of them and we had a ball anyway….hopefully the reception also has many of her friends too, and she’ll be so focused on her new husband and the joy of it all that it will all come together for them.
Eh, it really depends on how supportive they are and how much they may still be grieving. We eloped, partly to avoid excluding or paining people who were dear friends but still not ready to see my husband move on in that way.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how supportive the W’s LWs family and friends were in this situation. All I know is that she was upset that they were coming. If they aren’t supportive or ready to move on eloping, as you did, is probably a better solution.
@Annie and Abel – I’m with the bride-to-be on this one. The wedding reception is a celebration of them as a couple and should be equally enjoyed by both parties. IM (very strong) O the groom is wrong to insist on inviting people who make his future wife unhappy or uncomfortable. Surely he should be considerate enough of her feelings to see if they can arrive at a compromise. It is not HIS wedding reception; it is theirs. If was putting her first, he wouldn’t dismiss her concerns or her hurt so cavalierly. My H and I had discussions about his daughter’s attendance at our wedding. She is 29 and was being awful about him marrying. We even discussed having a civil ceremony at the courthouse with no guests in lieu of the possibility of her making everyone miserable by coming. Finally we agreed to invite her and he told her that she was welcome to attend if, and only if, she could come and be happy for him. Despite promising she would be, she sat in church with a face like a stormcloud, came late to the reception and didn’t say even a single word to me. I was not so caught up in the day that I did not notice her behavior but it wasn’t particularly upsetting because we had agreed beforehand and I was comfortable with OUR decision.
IMO, a marriage that begins with either partner overriding the other’s wishes in a hurtful way is one that is starting on the wrong foot. Abel, you were lucky that Marathon Girl did not object. For the record, I have not had to contend with any of this sort of thing because, with the exception of my one stepdaughter, everyone including his LW’s parents has been wonderful to me. I am also fortunate that my H believes in a true partnership and would never dismiss me in such a fashion.
Lynn — I don’t know enough about the woman’s situation to know whether or not she was upset because someone would cause a scene or not. From my reading of the email she was just upset that so many of them had been invited. It seemed to be a numbers game. I could be wrong but that’s how I read it. If anything your own experience shows that even if one sour puss shows up, the bride tends to be caught up in her own world.
In my opinion, I don’t think you should simply not invite a good friend or family member simply because of their relationship or friendship with the LW. You should only not invite people who might make a scene. The woman knows the marital status of her husband going into it. It seems unreasonable to expect him to pretend friends and family of the LW doesn’t exist.
Marathon Girl didn’t object to who I invited because she knew I wouldn’t invite people who would cause problems. (I didn’t invite the LW’s parents, for example.) She trusted me to invite people who would be there to celebrate the occasion. She knew I wanted to let the LW friends and family know I still loved them even though I was remarrying and inviting them to this chapter was simply a way to do that.
Like Abel says, can only go on the info presented and it does sound like she is upset by the number of LW connected attendees and it’s not fair to the groom to expect him to not invite his family and friends simply b/c of that connection.
In my case, the LW’s family really wanted to show up and support him and our marriage but my husband nixed it – even though this upset my step-daughters. I bowed to his superior knowledge of his LW’s family though I think they would have been fine.
You go into marriage with a W knowing there are family and friend connections that exist purely through the LW. As long as they are kind and supportive, what’s the big deal?
Sorry, it should read, “If he was putting her first…”
My wedding is in six weeks, and we are inviting the late wife’s family and some friends from my fiance’s first marriage (some of whom are now my friends too). These folks (all of them) have been so supportive of our relationship that I can’t imagine not having them there.
As long as the guests will contribute good, happy vibes to the reception, then I believe they should be invited.
Another note in planning our ceremony. I am of course sad that my dad did not live long enough to be able to walk me down the aisle. I want to acknowledge him in some way, but felt awkward doing so without an acknowledgment of my fiance’s late wife, whom I also feel deserves a nod (she is, after all, the mother of my future step-son, who is going to be my groom’s best man). A verbal acknowledgement during the ceremony also seemed inappropriate, so we have decided to put a note in the program of some sort.
Abel, I think you are transitioning to a new book: Marrying a Widower. Good luck tomorrow on the show.
Karen, congrats on the upcoming nuptials. I like your idea of putting a note in the program. Seems like a good way to go.
Thanks, Abel.
Another thing we have decided to do for our wedding: In lieu of traditional wedding gifts (we already don’t know where to put all our stuff), we are offering guests the chance to donate to our favorite charities. One of them is for cancer research. My dad died of cancer, the late wife died of cancer, and practically everyone we know has been affected by cancer in one way or another, so it was kind of a no-brainer.
I agree with most of the comments above. I would have had no difficulty inviting his LW’s family because they have all been supportive. Recognizing that the details aren’t there so we don’t know how it all happened, I still have difficulty with the idea that the W would override his bride’s feelings on this. As I said before, this is their reception, not his alone. If my H had wanted to invite friends that he and LW had during their 30 year marriage we would have had a conversation about it; an arbitrary declaration from him would not have been acceptable, under any circumstances. Perhaps she is being unreasonable, but I think it is equally possible that he is not being considerate of her. Marriage is about compromise and about sharing. This hardly seems representative of those tenets.
Lynn — There’s probably more to the story that we don’t know. If I get a followup email from her with more details I’ll ask if I can share it. But thanks for your comments on the subject. Your thoughts and opinions are always appreciated.
Lynn,
I hope the couple is able to find a happy compromise before the ceremony. What a shame to have that cloud hanging over on such a happy day. Sounds like a “teachable moment” for both.
This is foolishness now! Gesh! Get over that he has a wife that is dead. He is marrying you! So hence the reception is about yall, not her! I think we over analyze things a bit to much. I am dating a widower and I go based on how he treats me NOW. Of course he talks about LW when a topic is related… but he logically understands that she is gone and he will always admire and appreciate what she has added to his life. We as women who date W need to build up our self confidence / esteem (which is the real issue here) and know that you cannot continue to compare yourself to LW and compare your relationship now to theirs. Move ON! life is to short. A friend of mine who was in her mid thirties and a fitness model went to sleep two nights ago and never woke up. Please, let us understand that the time we have on earth is too brief. Don’t spend it worrying if someone loves you more than the other. Love yourself and true happiness will emerge from within. If he does not love you, someone else will.
@Tammy, then why invite a bunch of LW’s family and friends? My quibble here, based only on the limited information provided, is with the W’s apparent disrespect for his future wife’s feelings. It has nothing to do with comparing LW and FW. I recognize that my H was happily married to his LW for 30 years. I sometimes have WOW issues (and baggage from our past) and we work through stuff together. My self-confidence continues to grow as we build our relationship. Yet, my 29 yo stepdaughter has demanded an apology from the priest who officiated at our wedding and a promise from us that remarks like the ones he made during the ceremony will never be repeated. She has created a major issue out of his recognition that my H and I were first loves and that that love was reborn after more than 35 years. It was one single remark in the course of his remarks about love and how it affects not only the couple but everyone around them. IMO, the bride in this instance has as much right to have the wedding reception that will make her happy as her groom does, and if he ignores her feelings I believe that is a sign of disrespect. I am not saying that LW’s family and friends should not be invited; just that there should be a conversation and a decision about the guest list that they can both live with. Perhaps a compromise is in order.
@Lynn… It depends on how you see it. If you’re that sensitive,well fine. But the more issues you add to a marriage or relationship, the more you bit by bit push men away. Men are very simple. we have to understand that too. Pick your battles wisely. If his LW friends and family did not support him, they would not go to the wedding. My point is, i would see it as they are giving their blessings to the former son-in-law. what? are they going to be the only guests? She will have her past there too. What if those people are all the people he knows and holds dear to his heart? what? he is then not suppose to bring anyone. In my opinion, be more objective and less selfish. But your point is taken.
Apparently Lynn and I both have managed to reel in our “issues” and pick our battles with reasonable wisdom, since we are both married to our Ws. We simply refused to have LW’s family at our wedding, because there were a couple that we did not feel we could trust not to ruin it. Since we couldn’t invite them, we could not invite the others. It was upsetting to both of us to not have several people we really would liked to have been there because of a couple of others who have problems controlling their mouths. So my DH and I came up with a solution that worked for both of us, with compromise on both sides, as Lynn and her DH apparently did.
However, the big difference I see between what went on between me and my husband/Lynn and her husband, versus the bride in the OP, is that our husbands LISTENED to us, took our feelings into account, and took action on making sure that our day was as happy as possible. Simply being told by the man I am about to marry to basically “get over it,” is a battle I would ALWAYS advise a bride to pick. Because if that is his attitude on “their special day,” God alone knows how far he’ll go with it in life.
@Caitlin, thanks. That was my point.
“Back when Marathon Girl and I tied the knot, I invited many friends that the late wife and I hung out with as well her brother, grandmother, and other family members. I would have been upset if Marathon Girl objected to inviting those who I cared about simply because they were friends with or related to the late wife.”
Just a for-instance. Let’s say, for instance, that there had been a few of these people who has been less than welcoming to MG, and she had objected to their being invited to the wedding. Not necessarily all of them, but simply had asked that the number be fewer, for her own comfort level on her wedding day. Can you honestly say that you would have just brushed aside her feelings, even if you did not necessarily agree with them?
I understand that MG has handled your former widowerhood very straightforwardly and courageously. I’m just saying, in terms of what-if: what if this had just been one of those things for her, that she found hard to deal with? As caring a husband as you obviously are, it is hard for me to imagine you sending her off in tears, telling her that you just don’t see what the big deal is.
Also, yes, the man involved was married before … lots of people have been nowadays, although unfortunately many end in divorce as well. Would it seem appropriate for anyone, man or woman, to insist that their ex-husband or ex-wife, and their mutual friends and family, be included in the guest list, regardless of how the other soon-to-be-spouse felt about it? DH and my ex husband get along just fine, but if I had insisted that he be present (or our continued mutual friends or my ex-MIL, who I adore), I cannot imagine DH just going, “oh, sure, sounds great.”
Caitlin,
You’re correct that I wouldn’t have simply brushed MG’s feelings or concerns aside if there was an issue. I would have talked to her about it but still made a strong push to at least invite these people to the reception and hope that MG would understand why I was doing that.
So did the widower, handle things perfectly? Not at all. It appears these two have to work on their communication skills a bit.
Very, very true … From BOTH sides. I had to speak up and make clear to DH what I would and wouldn’t live with, he did also, and we compromised from there. Whiiiccchhh … Is what marriage is going to be lol. People tend to lose sight of that in staring at the ‘big day’ … This one big day is one big microcosym of how problens will be handled going forward.
I will be definitely hoping to hear an update with further info.
I don’t think the OP gave us enough info to make more than a guess at what actually took place btwn she and her groom. It sounds like she wanted Abel to agree with her about LW’s family/friends being nixed. Nothing is ever that simple where relationships are concerned. Both bride and groom should have those in attendance that they feel support the union and them personally. My husband nixed the LW”s family b/c he didn’t want them there but had he wanted them – I would have said yes, even though I felt very uncomfortable around them then and for a long time after we married. That was MY insecurity to work out and I did. Banning them though would have been unfair to my husband.
We only have the OP’s version of the story here. It would be interesting to hear his side. If he is being dismissive though then she has bigger problems than a guest list and should have been writing to Abel about those, imo.
I have more information. Will post it soon.
Interesting post, thanks to everyone who commented. I can say that there are a lot of things to consider on both sides of the equation. When we married, we had an “immediate family only” ceremony and then a larger “invite ‘em all” reception. I invited his LW’s family to the “immediate family” ceremony in an effort to be inclusive and to recognize their role in his past life, and now in our lives together, since I would be raising their deceased daughter’s children. It felt right.
That being said, if I had it to do over again, i don’t know that I would do the same thing… and that’s based solely on the dyanmics in my situation. For a long time after our marriage, his LW’s family was the #1 priority in our lives… trumping me, trumping my family, my husband’s family, everything. Did my including them in our “immediate family” ceremony help to set that expectation? Who knows – - maybe, maybe not. But, I can honestly say that it detracted from the intimacy of the ceremony, for me, because 1/3 of the attendees had mixed feelings about our marriage; there were definitely undercurrents. (Don’t get me wrong, they liked me just fine and were kind and welcoming, but were also – understandably – upset to see their daughter’s former husband marrying someone else.)
So I understand why a bride might choose to NOT have that kind of energy at her wedding. Not everyone’s situation is like this, and like Abel said, his former inlaws were truly happy and supportive. But as someone who took a big a__ back seat to the LW’s family for a good while after our marriage, Iand dealt with all types of fallout b/c of it, I can understand where some of the posters are coming from. I think the folks who don’t understand are the ones who are fortunate enough to have not had the experience I had. I know what it feels like to be brushed aside in favor of LW’s family’s feelings taking priority, and it can make a girl prickly. Just sayin’.
Elizabeth, that is why we went the way we did. I knew that I am not good at forgiving things like ruining my wedding, and forgetting it? Not gonna happen. So in a way I was also protecting the people I was concerned over, from having to cope with my ill-concealed resentment for years to come. So it was just us, his mother and dad (she had cancer at the time and often could not leave home, which is why we did it there), my mom, and our seven children. And that was that.
When my W and I got married, we had a very small ceremony – only close family and friends. We didn’t invite many people and none of the LW’s family. They were not supportive. I don’t think we ever discussed excluding them as the reason we kept things small, but I felt very uncomfortable having too many people there or people I wasn’t close to. So, it did end up to be primarily my family, a few of my W’s siblings and their families, along with our work colleagues.
One of the people we didn’t invite was someone I knew as the LW’s best friend who had gone to HS with the LW and my W’s younger sister and they all had stayed very close through the years. She was the one who had set-up my W and his LW on a blind date and was the maid of honor at their wedding. Since the LW’s family was so unsupportive of me, I didn’t even think to invite this woman, but I later learned she felt rather upset about being excluded and wondered why since she saw herself as a friend of my W, not just his LW.
I’m not sure if trying to have been more inclusive of the LW’s family would have helped. They were against me at that point, but I think we jumped to the conclusion far too quickly that everyone that was close to the LW was against us.
For me it was not so much a feeling of them being “against us.”. No one had ever spoken out openly, although I had heard some very hurtful stuff thru the grapevine. But I did not want to hear, on my wedding day, for the hundredth time, how much I looked like LW. I did not want to be cutting the cake, and realize that LW’s dad was out in the backyard sobbing, as he had on so many prior visits. Perhaps (maybe even likely) nothing would have been SAID, but I did not want even a partially kinda sorta funeralish atmosphere at my wedding. They HAD their wedding, and it was beautiful and joyous and included her and all her loved ones. This one was OURS.
Caitln, Barb, I think you were wise, in your set of circumstances, to set some boundaries. It’s not personal at all (I like the LW’s family, well, all except for the one who seems to have a rather creepy fixation on my husband, but that’s a whole other blog topic Lol)
But in retrospect, I was too inclusive, too understanding. If I had it to do over again, I, too, would not have wanted the “funeralish” backdrop or the “grief-ish” energy there. Not that it isn’t understandable, just not something you want to hve in the back of your mind on your wedding day.
And honestly I feel like it helped set the tone for the LW’s family to continue to feel as though they were first and foremost priority in all things (as they had been during his marriage to LW). I wouldn’t have excluded them completely, but, the reception alone would have been sufficient. I shouldn’t have made the mistake of including them in our definition of “immediate family and best friends” – - it started things out on a weird note. And it took me a long time to get my husband to realize that his first priority is now me, us, our children and our families. If I had done a better job of being inclusive, but with boundaries, early on, he might have figured it out sooner and saved us all (ok mainly me) a lot of pain and resentment.
(All that being said, for those of you who have LW families who don’t cause issues in your marriage, then it’s perfectly understandable to be totally fine with it!)
Just some thoughts from the other side of this coin…I was my ex’s 2nd marriage and it was my first. For a bunch of reasons (all bad, looking back) I wanted a somewhat larger wedding than my ex did. Because he “already had had a big wedding” was unwilling in any way, shape or form to entertain my desire to have my friends and most of my family at our nuptuals. I wasn’t looking for a massive wedding, and we were able to afford it (I went out of my way to keep it under control – maybe 80 people).
Bottom line – I gave in to what he wanted so he wouldn’t be uncomfortable. We ended up with a JP and 30 people, a small lunch and that was it. Most of the 30 people were his friends/family.
I was never so miserable in my whole life. I gave in and disappointed a lot of people in my life accordingly. Because of the ex’s scaled back version of the wedding, I had to sell back my dress (it was too formal for the created occasion). Accordingly, I sobbed at every wedding we attended thereafter.
Don’t ever compromise to the point you diss the people you love in your life to appease someone else’s insecurities. And don’t ask the person you are marrying (and therefore presumably love) to bend to your will. I could possibly see it being hard to ask an ex lover or something like that, but aside from that – no way.
Cut this poor guy some slack and allow them into your life as well. It is your wedding but it’s his too. It’s not theirs – as you said, the LW is not going to be there. You may regret not just sucking it up and going with the flow.
Good luck with the nuptuals.
As a side note, to correct the above, my reasons for wanting a larger wedding weren’t bad, my acquiescing was. I would hope (and expect) my fiancee/W won’t put me or me him in that position of having to “choose” because one or the other of us is “insecure”.
KS, you make a good point from the other side. However, I think the same principle that we have been trying to espouse still applies in your first wedding. This is JMO, but when there is a big disparity (of any type, for any reason) between what the bride and groom expect, those two need to sit down alone together and hammer out a compromise they can both live with. There were parts if my wedding that were not what I necessarily wanted (such as having it in someone’s home, but I knew how badly it would devastate my groom if his mother’s health happened to be bad that day (it was, as it turned out) and she could not have been present at a church.
In terms of the guest list, we talked about it a lot, and he understood my reasons (and agreed with them) for not wanting this specific few people there. Unfortunately it followed that we could not invite X and Y, but not A, B and C. So we agreed together to make it just us. No one forced anything on anyone.
In your case, maybe if you had pressed more firmly to be heard, or your ex had been more caring about what was important to you, things would havr worked out differently. I don’t know. But I wanted to clarify, my position is not for anyone to take a “suck it up and deal with it” stance on any aspect of a wedding. It is to find the middle ground you can both be happy with. And if there is absolutely no way to do so, then IMO the two people involved might should think about putting it off in favor of counseling, because this will just be Day One of lifelong compromise and caring about the other party’s feelings.
Here’s the update: The bride-to-be likes the LWs family and gets along fine with them. The problem was that she and the groom talked about who to invite and he ended up inviting MORE people than originally planned and unexpectedly dumped the information on her. They had the aforementioned tiff when she found out about it. She was more upset with the way he brushed her off than who was actually coming. (Something that didn’t come across in the first email.)
Anyway, the groom manned up and apologized for brushing her feelings aside and now they’re happy and looking forward to the big day. Crisis averted.
I am very glad to hear that!!! Every couple has to learn what their prospective partner expects in the way of communication, so it sounds like this was in the end one big step forward as a couple. Congrats to them!
As is the case with so many ‘widower’ issues, it turns out that this was more a relationship issue that could have occurred in a very similar fashion with or without the guy being a widower. You have to work on the guest list together and, ABOVE ALL, the bride’s wishes are, IMO as an old codger, the final authority. A groom sets himself up for a big foot in mouth or worse when he gets too involved in the ceremony prep (again, IMO) Safe bet for a groom is to concern himself with two questions: What time should I be at the church? Where do I stand in the ceremony?
Who knows what the guest list will look like when my sweetheart and I finally get to the altar. We may not have to invite many people at all to fill a church or chapel. With 9 kids between us and three grandkids (with more on the way), our ceremony may look like a senior-citizen version of Captain von Trapp marrying Maria.
@Ted, you’re so cute! I love reading your posts… you’re always so positive.
I guess I’m late for this topic discussion. I just got engaged to a widower, and I’m curious how this will pan out for our wedding reception. My FI and his LW were married for a very short period of time, and the only person connecting them was the LW’s brother. If my FI asks that the brother come, I would agree because that person is a very important part of his life. But if FI insists that LW’s other family members attend, I would have to object. Our guest list needs to be regimented as it is due to budget concerns, and I can’t imagine why he would invite people who has no relationship with him but for the status as the LW’s family member. And while his family know and encourage our engagement, the news have yet to be broken to the LW’s family. That would upset me
Got cut off. Sorry.
It would upset me if he demands that the LW’s other family members come. The wedding is about us and our future. If he doesn’t perceive that the news of our relationship and upcoming nuptuals should be shared with them while it is for his family then I don’t find it wrong if I oppose their invitiation.