Widower Wednesday: The Sainted Late Wife Part I
August 24th, 2011 | 49 comments
A joke that was recently posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook Group goes something like this:
In a hurry, the man walked out into the street and managed to snag a taxi that was passing by.
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabbie said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith,” said the cabbie. “There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“I don’t believe you,” the man said to the cabbie. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabbie. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabbie.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?” the man asked.
“I married his widow,” the cabbie replied.
***
I think most people who are dating a widower can relate to the above joke. Often it seems like the late wife was the most perfect person who ever lived. Yet the late wife was just as human as everyone else and had her faults and bad moments too. The problem is that after someone dies those who are left behind usually remember only the good things about the deceased. This can make it hard for those who are dating a widower to feel like they can never be as good a wife or mother as the dead.
So what’s the best way to deal with it?
I’ve tried several times to come up with my thoughts on the topic but have been unable to come up with I consider helpful. Instead, I’ve asked readers to contribute stories about how they’ve dealt with it. I received so many good ones that I’m going to make this a two part essay. Look for another for or five essays on this topic next week. Hopefully you find their stories helpful. If you have a story you want to share, it’s not too late. Email it to me by Monday and I’ll include it in next week’s column.
Anabelle’s Story
I am fortunate that my soon-to-be husband has never, ever made comparisons between me and his late wife, nor has he laid down expectations that I do things the way she did them. (Ditto with his friends and family, who have been nothing but supportive of our relationship and welcoming toward me.) He has always loved me for who I am, and has told me so time and again. In fact, as much as he loved his late wife, he was thankful that widowhood gave him the opportunity to fill his life with new experiences and people.
So what do I have to add to the discussion of the sainted dead wife? Perhaps worse than the widower or his friends and family making comparisons is this: You making those comparisons and judgments on your own. I fell into that trap, and it took me a while to get out.
Deb seemed like super woman in my eyes. She kept horses, she quilted, she was a talented athlete and a loving mother, she was an amazing gardener, she worked the farm with her husband, she could drive a tractor with finesse and confidence, she endured 17 years of chemotherapy, surgeries, hospitalizations and pain/discomfort that accompanied her cancer, and she never complained or said “Why me?”
I used to wonder, how can this wonderful man put up with me after 23 years of living with a brave and intelligent woman like her? I am scared of horses, I have never driven a tractor (even now that I live on a farm), my gardening prowess is mediocre at best, I am terrible at sports, and I am grumpy as hell if I don’t get a good night’s sleep. I am also impatient, have no mechanical aptitude and sometimes feel as if I have no confidence in myself.
My fiancé is also the first to acknowledge that Deb could be a hard-ass, she had a cantankerous relationship with their son, she gave up early any attempts to have her own career in the field she had studied, and though she could grow flowers, she could not arrange them in a vase to save her life.
In essence, Deb was a human being, and so am I. She had strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures. So do I.
I realized I was only taking inventory of my weaknesses when I compared myself to Deb. I overlooked my strengths. These include making a successful career doing what I love, being financially self-sufficient, making a wonderful life as a single person with good friendships and meaningful activities, and having the tenacity and discipline to be able to ride my bicycle 100 miles in a day. I think Deb would have admired these accomplishments, just as I admire and respect hers.
But more importantly, I learned that if my fiancé didn’t compare me to Deb, then I shouldn’t either, whether the comparisons are based on positive attributes or negative ones. Admiration and respect are good. Comparisons are crazy-making.
Both my fiancé and his late wife have taught me this valuable lesson, and have helped me appreciate my self-worth without making comparisons to anyone.
Nina’s Story
I feel as though I am the most fortunate wife of a former widower on the planet. My husband has not once verbalized a comparison between his LW and me. I have never even been given the impression that he was doing such. He has never said or done a single thing to make me feel anything less than number 1. So of course then, I never had problem with LW comparison, right? Wrong.
Instead of outward comparisons or contrasts from my widower or their friends, it happened internally. I did it to myself. I always wondered where I stood- how I measured up. I never knew the woman. I only had tiny snippets of her life that I collected from various conversations over time. Some of them include:
- Her laughter could light up a room
- She was always so kind
- You never saw her without a smile on her face
- While she battled cancer, her first thought was always about others
- She loved to help others less fortunate
How in the world could I compete with that? I figured my W thought, “Well, Nina’s all good and well. She’s a fine ol’ gal, but she’s no LW.”
I certainly couldn’t ask how I measured up. I had to deal with that demon on my own- in my own time- in my own way. I almost had to get to know her in my own way, grieve her loss in my own way, and then finally move on without her presence… in my own way. So, I had to lose her too. Now I no longer resent her for simply being here before me. She doesn’t constantly eat at my conscience. She just simply- was.
Andrea’s Story
Practically growing up with his LW has been one of the toughest things to deal with while dating my W. I’m compared to her very often. She and I were best friends in High School and the years afterward and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to my current boyfriend. We shared a lot (never thought it would be a love interest). We dated for the first time together, drove for the first time together, graduated together, found first loves around the same time, etc. She and I were close as friends that grow up together can be.
When she died, a part of me died. I was there for her family and friends, including her very young widower. When he and I started seeing one another in a different light, just six weeks after she passed away, no one was prepared or ready to deal with that. When people started to find out about us, many jumped to conclusions that W was replacing her with me, since we were similar in so many ways.
There is no way to sugar-coat the way I felt—it hurt. I am an individual, with thoughts and opinions, expressions and features that are all my own. Some things she thought were funny/silly/stupid/good/bad and I didn’t agree. There are still so many things that we did have in common. I did worry about where the W’s mind was when he took a liking to me so soon after she passed away. Was he out of his mind? Was he really into me or was he just needing that attention and affection? Did he like me because I knew her and knew how much he loved her a missed her? Did he pick me because I just happened to be available at that time? Did this happen because God has a plan for us? So many questions that I had no answer for.
Her family had and still has a hard time with us. At first, they felt like I was robbing Matt of his grief. They thought, “Well, Molly has a bubbly personality, and so did LW, so maybe she just temporarily fills that hole for him.” They loved her with everything they have, and are more traumatized by this because of her surprise death at the young age of 26. At her funeral, and most funerals, the clear message was how wonderful, sweet, kind, loving, joyful she was. Now, throw in that her husband, six weeks later, has a new lady in his life. She (me) can never be a perfect as this woman that hundreds of people are mourning. She doesn’t hold a candle to this icon that reigns with perfection of womanhood, marriage, loyalty, etc. She is the bad guy and has taken this precious dedication of life of the LW and smashed it into the ground. At least, that’s how they may have seen it.
I’ve coped with being compared to her and to not ever being able to match up to her for them. That is something I will never be able to be compared to, nor do I want to. However, when it comes to my boyfriend, he has ended comparing us. He has seen that I am me, individually me, with my quirks, passions, desires and dreams that are all mine and he loves me for that. Originally, I appealed to him because I was available, but over some time and deep thought on this situation, he began to love me as me, not because I was her friend.
Sarah’s Story
I think many of the comparisons are all in our heads. For example, I would imagine he was thinking about her when I was helping him cook in her kitchen and judging me lesser cooking skills. I would imagine he was thinking about her when a love song would play. I would imagine he was thinking about her when he was intimate with me comparing our body differences. I would ask questions about her and then i wish i didn’t know because I would them have more ammunition to compare myself to her.
He is still very close with her family. When I attended their events I would imagine they were comparing me to her and thinking I wasn’t good enough for him. My W carried a picture of his LW in his wallet. It’s her picture from the year they met. She’s absolutely beautiful. This picture made me feel so inadequate. I was never that beautiful in my youth. Or at least I never felt I was. But who knows if she felt the same about herself. We are all pretty insecure and self conscious.
I realize now that was only my own insecurities coming out. Thinking back I can’t recall anyone ever actually comparing us, at least not to my face. It really was all in my imagination. i was really the only one comparing the two of us. It’s all that negative self talk that we GOW’s have to stop ourselves from dwelling on.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I always told myself there was no way I could compete with the “saint ” who was his former wife. I never even tried. I knew that she was human just like I am . She had flaws and selfish moments that are now forgotten because she is gone. So I never compared myself to her. I too, have many good qualities and I am the one that is here with him. I am the one that matters now and to try and compete with the LW is a competition I won’t win. I know that I am a good person and he is lucky to be with me just as I am blessed to be with him.
Good attitude, Cricket. I assume you’re widower doesn’t openly compare the two of you either?
As in most things, the coin has two sides. One the GOW side, I think a woman should be wary of ‘thinking too much’ as women generally do. Thinking, contemplating, considering options and scenarios can be a good thing and is a general ‘plus’ that women are endowed with that men, unidirectional and moving towards one goal (right or wrong) are not. But this tendency can be unncessarily harmful to the GOW unless she has heard clear and undeniable comments from widower or outsiders that she doesn’t measure up. If that is indeed the case, then she should act on that real evidence and consider her options in remaining in or leaving the ‘saint’ race, IMO. There’s no disgrace in bowing out of a game where the deck is stacked against you.
On the widower side, he needs to be sensitive and protective of his GOW/WOW realizing that she can have doubts and fears that a woman would not typically carry if he were a divorced man (and certainly not if he were never married). Assuage her feelings with extra support and reconfirmation of his devotion and temper the LW discussions with how life really was. And if, according to the widower accounts, the tales of the past still come across as perfect bliss, then refer to last two sentences of paragraph above. IMO.
Good advice, Ted, I would also add that the W’s attitude goes a long way to helping the woman from thinking too much about it.
Great topic Abel.
Ted, I love what you’ve written here from the widower side. It can be difficult to voice your doubts and fears without coming across as disrespecting the LW memory or the magnitude of the W’s grief. My W seems to think I’m so confident in myself that he is shocked when I get upset about some of the things he says about LW ! I keep telling him I’m only human and have the same feelings as anyone else in a relationship!
My W boyfriend started comparing me and calling me the LW’s name, I got so angry that I just yelled out ” Dont compare me!!….Your LW is Ugly”
Now the W wants an apology because he says i disrespected his LW. I dont want to apologize to him because i feel like its his fault it had to get to this level and im even more mad that his focus is on the LW getting an apology, not the fact that it was wrong to compare me and embarrass me in front of others by calling me her name on a constant basis. What should i do?
I think you should apologize. By dissing her, you’re dissing him and his tastes. You’ll never come out on top that way. Apologize and explain why you were frustrated and talk to the W about why he’s making the mixup.
@ Christina. Isn’t there a plea that one can take in a lower court for a minor offense (like in traffic or municipal court)? That plea being “Guilty, but with an explanation” ? I think there is such where it’s just you, the judge and the ticketing officer. My advice is for you to plea guilty…but with a calm as possible explanation
Yes, you were ‘pushed’ by the W’s action, but IMO you should apologize for calling his wife ugly. That was a bit over the top but said in a moment of hurt and anger. Explain that to him. Ask him how he thinks it makes/made you feel to be compared like that? Then hoping you can move on with him considering how it would be for you to compare him to a former husband/lover and for you to call him by that man’s name (especially if the guy were dead).
You were due your righteous indignation, but better to retract a bit with that ‘explanation’ and start with a cleaner slate. IMO.
I can see myself in these stories comparing myself to LW. Like Cricket, I do tell myself those things as well. I know LW was not really “perfect”. But as Abel says the W’s attitude and actions go a long way to reinforce the bashing GOW or new wife (as I am) puts on herself. How to get W to understand this is my problem.
Speaking from a man’s point of view, I don’t know if there’s any way he can totally understand it as guys don’t tend to do that. However, you can make him aware of it by talking to him about it. But as I’m sure you know, it’s not a problem that he can solve so don’t expect him to.
In your experience is there a better way to make him aware the issues of concerns with a W? I’ve tried several and each one always comes back to bite me later. I’ve made all the mistakes and concerned that correcting them is a harder issue. Any advice?
What do you mean it comes back to bite you?
The first mistake I made was letting him know putting pics of LW up made me uncomfortable. (this was while we were dating) He got VERY upset not understanding why it did. Every concern I have had since I’ve tried to discuss it with him or try to bring things up and talk about how these things make me feel. In each discussion he brings up old stuff and it’s thrown up at me as something he did do because I ask him to and uses it as an example of him trying to make me happy. He just does not understand that these are things I’d like him to do on his own because he truly loves me. His LW has been dead for 6 years and still when he introduces me he always says his wife died then he met me and we’ve been married almost a year. I ask him about this and again he gets upset and says he can’t explain it and then some of the old issues start coming up again. I guess it may be too late for me to mention anything huh?
Sunshine, from my experience, the old issues will keep coming up until they are resolved. It is up to the W to take action to resolve them. It was not a mistake in letting him know the late pics made you feel uncomfortable. You felt those feelings – own them. You have every right to feel #1 in your relationship. I have found out that by suggesting that the pics be taken down can lead to resentment if the W is not ready to let go. Especially if the W has children and he is trying to not hurt their feelings (even adult children.) Please considerthis – the behavior surely went on before you married him – why did you think he would improve? I’m not condemning you – just asking. I fell into the trap where my W asked me to move in with him, which I did and he seemed so perfect for me. However, he never took the pics down after he met me and always introduced me as his “friend.” To me it was like WTF? I live with you and I have the ‘friend” status?? How hurtful that was!
Thanks, you guys are really understanding. It’s just frustrating, and I hold resentment for some things and when it builds up it’s a disaster!
I don’t think the W and I are Seeing Eye to eye.
I explained to him that the answering machine message bothers me, yet its still on.
Randomly pictures of him and The LW will appear throughout the house, after I explained to him it bothered me. I just don’t know how patient I am supposed to be and what i’m supposed to accept. I just feel like it’s always something and I don’t know how to communicate effectively where he understands. When I communicate calmly he seems as if he understands but then something else happens.
Recently, we went to his house upstate, a place where we frequent often, I finally asked him to remove the LW clothes from the bedroom drawers (I have no where to put my stuff).
He was hesitant to do it. It drove me crazy! Then I see pictures on his phone of the LW Grave.
I don’t know if I should give him an ultimatum, if I should break it off, or if I should wait for it to get better? We’ve been dating a year.
I really sppreciate you guys advice
Thanks
Christina, I know what you mean about the answering machine. After a reasonable amount of time (and especially when the widower feels he is ready to date again), the LW’s voice should be replaced with his own voice or with an impersonal recording so that others who call are not forced to listen and “speak” to the dear-but-departed person. If he is not willing to listen to your concerns, imho, he is not going to change, and waiting will only waste more of your time. My suggestion would be to bow out and find someone who is “willing and ready” for a new relationship.
sounds like great advice although easier said than done
Yeah, I know. I’ve wasted too much time waiting, too. That’s why this website is so good – we can realize we’re not alone and maybe get strength from each others’ experiences.
I agree with Trish.
Christina, I agree with all that Trish is saying. I know it is hard to release someone, especially if you cherish their good qualities. Its really up to us as to what we choose to put up with. I chose to still do activities with my W but I have put up limitations. I won’t go to his new apartment because he still has the wedding picture up. I won’t do activities with his children, who after 4 years are still grieving and through their actions, it appears they are adult children who are not ready to see their father with someone else (they treated me passively aggressively). I consider my ex W as a friend and I am trying to wean him off of me. If I meet someone who will love me and treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, then he will definitely be out of the picture.
Christina I had some of the same experiences you’re having. I too was bothered by pictures, etc. I did ask for them to be taken down and it has created resentment. (Among other things) The more I tried to help him understand the worse it got with each conversation. In my case and hindsight If I had to do it all over again I probably would have gracefully bowed out or backed off explaining that I loved him deeply but not sure he was ready for the relationship that I wanted. I had already been thrown away once after 24 years of marriage. Maybe letting him figure out where he wants to be would have been better for me. I’m now labeled as having sensitivities that he has to be guarded against to keep from hurting me. Therefore I feel I create more problems for him vs what he had with LW. Then, see the comparisons continue.
Sunshine, if I were you, I would leave him. The W I was seeing had such a fit when I asked him to take down the pics in the bedroom. I moved in with him 1 1/2 years after his wife passed and I was too afraid to ask him to remove her toothbrush from the toothbrush holder and to take down the “his’ and “hers” towels and her bathrobe from the bathroom door. He only removed them right before we had both families over for Easter. His children (23 & 17) were confused why he did that. My stepmother wondered at the time how I could live there with the pictures up ALL OVER of the LW. She didn’t tell me at the time – I found out later. There were many issues with this W other than that. He thought he could merge the past with the present and I would love her and cherish her as much as he did, We still chat and he is still not willing to let her rest. I refuse to go to his new apartment (he has lost his house) because he refuses to take their wedding picture down.
thanks for the advise sunshine …i totally agree with your last sentence especially …your sensitivites are warranted and normal.
Your’re Welcome! Boy do I wish I’d had this site 4 years ago. I feel communication is the key to a successful relationship. I’ve made every mistake I’ve read in this blog. Now I’m looking for the solutions on how to correct these mistakes with my W.
I was guilty of comparing as well. The first time I met one of his closest friends and former roommate and the friend’s girlfriend, I was nervous and cooked a bad dinner because all I could think about the entire time was the supposed comparisons they will be making of me and his LW and feeling like an intruder that I was in “her” kitchen cooking dinner. When I met them, they were lovely, but I couldn’t be myself the entire time. Luckily, since then, things have eased up.
No one has ever compared me to her. His family and friends all welcome me with open arms and he is the type who would never let me meet “friends” who are naysayers and will cause problems for us. His best friends all support him and us and are happy he is happy. He has never compared me to her. All in all, I’ve been very lucky.
However, like some of the women’s stories above, there were times when I couldn’t help worrying that I wouldn’t ever make him as happy as she did, that I wouldn’t be as supportive or good of a partner to him as she was, that he wouldn’t love me if she was still alive, etc. It took me several months before I work through these comparisons that I, and ONLY I, had in my head; but, eventually I stopped and am healthier and happier for it. I hope that all the women out there who are dating or married to widowers can communicate with them and let them know that it’s destructive to make comparisons; and, for the lucky ones who have significant others who don’t make comparisons, I hope you can work through the issues like I did!
“. I hope that all the women out there who are dating or married to widowers can communicate with them and let them know that it’s destructive to make comparisons;”
Well said, NYCGirl.
With my W and I’m sure others as well really don’t realize they are making the comparisons they do by the things they say and their actions. Naturally we want to help them understand this through communication and that’s the sensitive difficult part for us.
It really does hurt the self-esteem hearing over and over again how perfect the marriage was, how over 300 people came to the funeral, etc. Yet, I was with a W who only had one friend in the world who still contacted him. I kept hearing about a “happy marriage” even though she slept in the bed in the bedroom and he slept on the couch. I kept wondering, if you two had all of these friends, where are they now? Once, he told me about how he had to break all the things he had to fix that she had broken in anger. He told me he only remembers the good times. I feel that his view of reality is broken.
I am sorry to hear Erika. While I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to idealize, I also don’t think it’s uncommon to remember someone who passed away fondly. I know I certainly do it for my loved ones who have passed away partly because I love them, but also partly because it’s impolite to speak ill of the dead. No one is perfect, but you can rest assure that if one of us girlfriends/wives passes away tomorrow, we’d be talked about as if we were saints too although we all know FULL WELL we are not. We are good people, but there were moments when we were upset, selfish, less-than-patient, unreasonable, etc. There were times when we fought with our significant others. I am sure there were also times when your widower and his late wife fought and she was a less-than-perfect wife (and anyone who said they don’t fight is just either lying or idealizing because when we feel strongly about someone, there will be times when you fight and fights are healthy).
The key for us, who are significant others of the widowers in the present, is that we need to communicate with them so that they are sensitive to the fact that talking incessantly about how perfect their late wives were will not help the present relationship or the self-esteem of the woman s/he is dating. You should make it clear to him and give him room to cherish the fond memories and not try to do away with them, especially if there are children involved; however, you should make let him know that you, as the present lover, do not need to listen incessantly to the perfection of his past relationship. I don’t think it’s constructive for you to point out all the “flaws” you deduced about their marriage, but it’d be more constructive for you to remind your partner how hearing it makes you feel.
I did tell him how I feel about hearing about her every time his adult children and their friends came over and and he responded by telling me that he wants to share EVERYTHING about his life withe me. I told him that the time and place to share memories were with his loved ones – his family – not with me. He says whatever comes to his mind. There is not an “edit” button on him – Darn!
Terrible confession time: when this kind of thing still bothered me after a while, I went through the boxes of her stuff and read all her old diaries (not that regular of a diarist, a month here and there every few years). Made her, and their relationship, seem real instead of sainted. No one else was going to tell me anything but how lovely and kind and sweet and good she was. Never bugged me again; the relationships were so different as to make comparison pointless.
On the flip side of that. I too stumbled into some of LW things looking for something else to surprise my husband with a gift. That was one very sickening times I realized I was not getting the same man. We have been married less than a year I have gotten cards on all our “Firsts” New Year, Valentines Day etc. Well he said he was not the “hearts and flowers” kinda of guy. Well in these things I saw of hers, she saved cards from HIM on their “Firsts” Valentines Day, Birthday etc…. I have yet to get a Birthday card from him. He says he does other things for me as Flowers and cards. Can’t get him to (or maybe he does) understand I’d really like that too..
I can realte to this he claims to be a closed book and says hes not romantic however I have seen sloppy cards in the draw that he had sent to her, it really hurts and I wonder if he thinks hes betraying her if he sends anything like that to me? the living/dining room has- wait for it 9 photogrpahs and until recently had a digital frame which flashed multiple photos of her, I feel like an intruder in that house and would nt be able to use the kitchen or fell at home, I do love him but fell like Im a poor substitute for her, the best of it is, they never really got on but since shes died she has become a saint
Hi hurting, how long has it been since she passed? I have learned, and believe from receiving the advice from others that if the pictures of the deceased are still prominent in the household that the W is not ready to move on. I feel that I have been in that situation also – that I felt as if I were an intruder in the home. Check this out – a few years ago for Father’s Day I gave W a “gift from his daughter” – the first pic he put in was of his wife on the Christmas before she died. I felt I shouldn’t say anything because it was his picture frame, but now I know better that I should have said something. After my W saw his priest for grievance at my suggestion, he took ALL the pics down and counted more than 20,
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this one before – My ex W had been so against going to places that he went to with the LW and family. I told him that he needed to get over his fears and go to the Big Boy they used to frequent. What a mess! Three years after LW died his former boss at Big Boy and their “favorite” waitress didn’t even know that she passed away. His daughter and granddaughter came with us. The waitress went to W and asked where Jane was – yes, her real name – and he told her she passed and she broke out into tears, which of course upset W’s daughter. His former manager didn’t know, and he came to the table and I wasn’t introduced at all, I keep thinking that Big Boy gets newspapers every day, if they were so close to these people and they read the paper, wouldn’t they have known that she had passed? They were not among the 300+ people that he said were at her funeral? Un-fing believable. This was 2 1/2 years after her death!
Wow. That must have been terribly uncomfortable. However, I’d give the Big Boy people the benefit of the doubt. I had a friend who’s son was recently hurt in Afghanistan. I didn’t find out until two months after the fact. Sometimes that happens.
It hurts that I was sitting there and he did not introduce me. We saw his neighbors in Costco and he introduced me as his “friend.” Okay, yes, a friend who lives in his house, plus I was paying him for rent. Crazy, because while my stuff was stored in the basement, his wife’s items were displayed prominently throughout the home. I recently questioned him about his behavior and he replied that he thought he was “free.” Wow, talk about two different points of view. I thought we were in a relationship.
My x W says I am the second woman that he has tried to have a relationship with. I’m clearly not the one for him and have told him so many times but he still clings on. Any suggestions on how to help him move on?
THere’s nothing you can do to help him move on. He has to take those steps by himself. Sometimes cutting the cord is the best way to do that.
I have to say I got wrapped up in reading all kinds of material on dating widowers after meeting my boyfriend. He was widowed young and has a 2 year old daughter. We met about 6 months after her passing (car wreck). I met him on a trail ride I went on and was introduced by his cousin, who I knew. I had never met him before but had heard of his LW passing thru mutual friends. After a day and evening of hanging out and getting to know each other I was told the next morning by his cousin what happened. At that point I figured I wouldnt hear from him but to my surprise I did. I had decided to bow out because it was so soon but the more we talked the more I wanted to give him a chance because we had so much in common. Now, nearing a year later, discussing marriage I have to say I’m very happy that I decided to give this guy a chance and see where it took us. Not to say we didnt have rough patches and I didnt dwell on other opinions either though. I did. And about 5 months ago I swore reading it all off that way I could form my own opinions, treat him like a unique individual and figure out what we both want. And it did us wonders. The friends and family for the most part have accepted me with open arms, I’m in love with his daughter and her with me. But the biggest problem of all was myself and doubt that I brought on myself. I came back yesterday just out of curiosity and I’m glad I did because there are alot of success stories on here so I wanted to share mine. I truely believe there are people that God puts together for a reason and I’m very thankful. We will have bumps and issues to resolve but he never compares me, I am me and he loves me for me. I have a picture up in his daughters room of her mother and will make her a picture book for her to look at. But the rest of the house is ours and he respects that. I have realized that the only signs to watch for are those of dating anyone, lack of respect. We are women and we over think, they are men and they under think. But we know when we feel loved and when there is someone else, no matter who that person is, alive or not… if his heart is not with you, you will know.
Great advice, Nicole. Thanks for sharing your success story.
I need to add that in agreeing with many posts above, communication has been key for us. Some stuff, you have to pick your battles like with any relationship. But about a month ago there were some things with her friends and him wanting to get together with just them, that drew the last straw for me to say something. So we sat down and had a heart to heart about where the line stops for me and what I can do, how I feel about it and asked his point of view. I must say after that talk a lot of pressure came off. so like I said above, we’ve had our issues too but the most important thing has been that we respect each other enough to listen and compromise.
One of my deal-breakers was that for holidays he still goes to his in-laws, leaving not any time to be with me and my family. Really? What do you say? W is not here because he prefers to be with LW’s family instead of us? Why can’t her family accept that someone else loves him and would like to spend time with him during the holidays? I wonder if having him there makes them feel closer to her. When we first started dating the in-laws had a birthday celebration for him and he asked if he could bring me. He told me that they cried. So I had to stay home.
To me the bigger question is why HE prefers to spend the holidays with the late wife’s family instead of spending them with you.
@Nicole, I agree, I think for a period of time I was uber-focused on reading soooo much about widowers and all the issues. It was VERY helpful at first, b/c I realized I wasn’t crazy after all!! But over time I realized I was feeding my own little obsession in a way. Recently, I stepped back some and realized that my husband HAD made the changes I had asked, and then some….but I was, mentally and emotionally, still stuck in the hurt of earlier times, and still feeling very insecure about being a “gap fill” for LW. So I wasn’t really “seeing” what he was showing me. I haven’t sworn off it totally (since obviously I’m writing this!) but have backed way off and it has helped a lot in redirecting my feelings.
I honestly think part of it all, for me, re: LW, was the whole idea we’re force-fed as women all our lives, of “one true love” or “one soul mate” etc. And when we met, I felt my husband and I were just that. Except for one small caveat… he’d had one of those already, before me. I know it sounds childish, but I’m going to own it and say, a big part of my hang ups came from feeling that if there’s just “one true love” or “one true soul mate” then it was either her, or it’s me. Which automatically set up an internal competition of sorts. I realize now how silly that seems, but it was a deeply ingrained feeling/belief and it carried with it a LOT of power over my feelings. But if you think about it, almost all of us have had other loves before this one, and they were also “it” for us at the time. I think we have the capacity to be compatible with and love many different “soul mates” and if we can internalize that concept, it takes the “her or me” either/or pressure off.
Or maybe it’s just me who was this off-kilter, and if so, be gentle haha.
@ Elizabeth In my experience so far with it all I have learned a lot and know I will continue to. I think that it definitely helps to see other people go thru the same issues and it helps to see that more than not it’s us women that are just over thinkers. I remember making a comment to him one time that I was trying so hard to digest all the opinions from everyone with a smile and it was hard to do sometimes. That I just felt like the shoes I followed were just way too big for me to fill because in my eyes I just didn’t met up to her standards. He was devastated to hear that. He told me that from day one his biggest concern was that he had entirely too much “baggage” for anyone to be responsible for. That he had responsibilities to raise a daughter, keep in contact with her family, show pictures, share stories and keep in touch with her friends for the sake of his daughter. With that he also made a comment that will always stick with me. He said, “you are not her, you are you and I met you and fell in love with you… there are no shoes to fill, no one can because no one will replace her that’s not what we are here for. We are here to be ourselves and I love you and am very happy with who you are.” It took a very long time for that to soak into my thick head because I had all these comparisons whirling around in my mind that I created. Like everyone said above, I had to realize she was human too and she made many mistakes just like I do. I was fortunate to hear from a family member that they were very unhappy and from him as well. But they did love each other regardless of issues. But the issues made me realize that she was common too. I do struggle with reverting back to ill comments that were made early on even innocently, like the use of “we” do this or “I am used to being able to use “our” kitchen scissors for anything”, etc. To me, the use of “we” and “our”, etc was a red flag and I decided to call on it the next time “we” was used so when he commented on “we have a picture like that too”. I said who does? He then realized what I was getting at and said “I mean I do”. That was within the first few of months of dating and even small stuff like that was hard to get over but I had to learn to. Because although he realized quick and changed it quickly I held on to it and it didn’t allow us to grow together because I was holding on to past issues. When things change it’s been very important that I allow it to change because holding on does not allow that change.
Here’s my story. I met a nice guy 2 1/2 years ago, 9 months after he lost his wife. My now fiance was close to 2 family in which the 3 families would get together once a month or every second month. When I entered the picture 2 1/2 years ago, I was received with open arms by one of the 2 families and that family was my fiance’s BF of almost 20 years. Since the begining, the 2 families always asked for things that belonged to my fiance’s last wife, jewelry, dvds, crafts stuff, baking supplies, sewing machine, etc. I have been very sick this past year and my fiance has been very supportive. In May 2010, we started to buy things for the wedding so it won’t be such a big financial stress. The wedding is in the Fall of 2012. Since December 2010, my fiance has been asking help from his FB because he is in the process of selling his house and he needed some help regarding his computer. It took 10 months to get his computer fixed and his BF was able to help him for 2 hours over the past 11 months. However, when his BF needed some help, my fiance has been there, time and time again. I was blamed (not by my fiance) for causing the tension between the two of them. On the other hand, my fiance still talks to his late wife’s family and her family truly, honestly, WELCOMED me with open arms, the even offered to help me with the wedding. I would have totally understood if they would not have accepted me but his BF and the other 2 families….that’s a different story. My fiance is selling his house and the other 2 families refused to come to his house in October 2011 because….my fiance PAINTED THE WALLS. Therefore, it’s no longer the way that it was before his late wife passed away. They are still upset that my fiance gave me his late wife’s sewing machine because they feel that they should have gotten it because it’s SENTIMENTAL.
My fiance ended up removing his BF as his bestman last week and at the same time, I removed his wife which was one of my bridesmaids.
I have never had a problem for my fiance to talk about his late wife and I have never asked him to remove his late wife’s cook books, crafts items that she made, her picture. That is still his house and not mine. When we move in together, we will still have things that his late wife used, made, etc. and her memory will remain alive. It’s very unfortunate that his late wife had to pass away for me to meet him.
All the added stress from his BF this past 11 months, just made our relationship stronger between my fiance and I.
Our life is going forward and we are meeting new friends along the way.
Never change who you are so that you get accepted by others. I never did
[...] August 24 | The Sainted Late Wife Part I [...]
[...] Marring a Widower manuscript off to the second editor tonight. As a result, I’m posting a previous Widower Wednesday column below. A new column will appear next [...]
Stay Connected
Books
Paperback | Kindle | Nook
Signed Copy | Chapter 1
Paperback | Kindle | Nook
Signed Copy | Chapter 1
Paperback | Kindle
Signed Copy | Chapter 1 (PDF)
Paperback |Nook
Signed Copy | Chapter 1 (PDF)
Most Recent Posts
Calendar
Reproduction or republication of original work on this site is prohibited without written consent of the author.