Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife’s Friends
September 14th, 2011 | 28 comments
A reader writes in with the following situation:
My widower boyfriend is encouraging me to become close friends with the late wife’s friends. I have no problem with socializing with them at parties, family functions, and other social gatherings but I have my own set of friends. It is not that I dislike these people but somehow I feel that his suggestions is not necessary, inappropriate, and perhaps slightly controlling.
I think it best that the late wife’s friends and I remain acquaintances at events and leave it at that. That said if my boyfriend wants to keep in contact and meet up with them on occasion that’s fine but I don’t feel it’s my place to fill in the space left by the late wife.
Am I correct or do you think I should I try to become closer with the late wife’s friends?
I think you’re doing the right thing by being social acquaintances with them. I don’t see any reason you should become friends with them unless there’s a real reason for you to become friends with them.
However, I don’t think the widower’s intentionally being controlling. He’s probably hoping you’ll fit in with the people he and the late wife spent time. When I finally reached the point where I felt comfortable introducing Marathon Girl to people Krista and I were friends with, there was a part of me that hoped Marathon Girl would fit right in with them. While everyone got along just fine with each other, there was something off about the get-togethers. After a couple of times hanging out together I realized that Marathon Girl was a different person and brought a different dynamic to the group. The friendship we shared with other couples couldn’t continue the way it had been no matter how much I hoped it would. This wasn’t a bad thing but added awareness that by making Marathon Girl number one, there were socials aspects of my life that were going to change too.
My suggestion is to politely tell your boyfriend what you told me—that you’re fine hanging out with his circle of friends at social functions but you have your own set of friends that you’re close to. In the meantime perhaps you can both work on about finding other people that you can both enjoy spending time with as a couple—one where his past and yours don’t get in the way.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
This is good advice. I married a W two years ago. Building a new life with another woman is not easy for both of you. But, I find my W wanting me to fit into his old life somewhat so he can continue on with aspects of his life he enjoyed. I have done my best to do so, but at one point, I had to sit down with him and say he married me to share my life, not his old life with his LW. Her friends have not been very accepting of me. I’ve tried to honor her with her children and the family in our home. , I’ve tried to attend the outings with them that W would like to. I think he appreciates that. He’s not trying to make me into his LW and is in no way controlling. We just had to talk about what making a new life really looks like. We both compromise and give for the sake of the other. Getting angry about it will only push your W away. Remember you love him and he loves you. A new life is a journey you are both on. God bless you all!
Karen–Sounds like the two of you handled things beautifully. Glad that the W was willing to realize you are your own person with your own set of friends.
This is one area me and my W boyfriend had problems with. LW’s friends constantly texted asking him to parties with them, etc. The main culprit, knew about me and had met me. I tried to be understanding but finally I did talk to him about the invites, that I feel like they are just trying to push me out. He understood and never did attend or commit to attend. Recently, one of them asked for a play date with him and his daughter. He told me he was going. when I asked if I was coming along he was hesitant with an I’m not sure yet. That said, I would much rather be included than excluded. I by no means want to make a habit of hanging together but I do think him bringing me along would show he is proud of me so I think it’s a compliment to be invited.
W should follow the GOW/WOW lead on this. Not saying he should abandon old friends, but if she wants to take the social interaction beyond the occasional ‘command’ performance of a wedding, kids birthday party or holiday open house, then it should be her prerogative.
Except for the added tension/drama of a dead woman in the mix, is this really that much different from many couples with single/divorced backgrounds? When LW and I married, we had mutual friends and respective and separately cultivated friends. Some came along as our marriage/relationship matured. Others did not. And of course, there were many more friends developed jointly by us as a couple. For example, as we started making babies, our group of friends naturally became the suburbanite homemaking types of like activity. We found our still-single, “Bohemian” artsy, little theater friends start to drop off the edge of our world, if not completely, definitely in meaningful interaction. Why should things be expected to run that much differently for the GOW/WOW and her mate?
Agreed, Ted. As we journey through life our needs and situations change and so do our friends.
One point of clarification, however. Are you saying that divorced people expect the new spouse to hang out with the ex’s best friends?
Maybe ‘expect’ is a strong word, but in the case of a divorced man, there may be some friends that the man may want to carry forward from the ‘ex’ marriage and interact with his new wife that were mutual friends of both him and ex. It’s a tricky thing (even before a divorced person starts dating again). Often you find that some mutual friends fall by the wayside completely or they ‘pick and choose’ and naturally stay in touch with/remain friends with one or the other of the divorced parties.
Oh, well that I can see. Thought you were referring to the ex-wife’s friends. That would be really bizarre.
I agree with Ted that this is just one of those blending things that all couples experience and the widow thing is just a side issue. It’s tricky with the whole couple’s friendships anyway and not easy to find friends that both ppl will like and hit it off with. New relationships sometimes means new friends.
I actually had a bigger problem with my LH on this score than I do now with R, but early in our marriage, we tried socializing with couples he knew, and it just didn’t click. R isn’t much of a socializing anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal.
I don’t agree with Ted and Ann on this one….it is very different. I was married for 21 years and to some degree friends chose which one of us they continued to socialise with. I would not expect BF to socialise with my X’s best friends! It would be unfair and too difficult. None of my friends have been horrible to BF, none of them would dream of asking him questions about my relationship with my X. None of them talk constantly about how wonderful he was. It is in my opinion very different to divorce.
Denise, each relationship is different. I don’t think either my post or Ann’s suggested that you should ‘do it this way’. Just pointing out the way things fall into place as a relationship matures. You are right in that ‘friends of a divorce’ would never bring up as many, if any, indelicate and awkward topics as same of a LW/W, but you have to remain flexible and above all, take into consideration the feelings of your partner. Would hope that the W would get the message sooner than later that this stuff makes the GOW/WOW very uncomfortable. I’m not suggesting anyone be forced to interact with people you either don’t like or who are LW shrine builders.
Given my situation to some other men, there would be some who would stay home or stay away from family activities that my GOW continues in, in which her ex husband is very much involved (grand kids births/birthday parties for example) as well. She never forced me to participate in her co-grand-parenting/co-parenting activities that she either wants to or has to be a part of. I opted in and I routinely ‘make nice’ with her ex-husband and his new fiance at such events. But it was my choice. And I’m not saying this is for everyone.
I wrote a long message and it didn’t post…take two! My W for the first year wanted me to fill the whole LW had left, I made up the group of eight, this included her three best friends, it was very stressful, very difficult. They were, still are cold and hostile towards me and tLk about LW at every opportunity. Finally the penny dropped and my BF realised this was unhealthy and unkind to continue and the mould is ow firmly broken. He admits he wanted it that way at first and that he hoped it would work. The trouble we are faced with is that LW’s friends and BF’s friends came together after LW passed and now his friends invite hers to things which is making it very difficult. I don’t mind attending the wider group invites but find small intimate gathers are tense and difficult, often centred around reminiscing about LW. I think it is a very different scenario to that of say divorce or other splits. Of course people choose to a point who they continue to socialise with but would my friends constantly reminisce about the good times they had when I was with my EX H…NO, would they say how happy we were and the perfect couple …NO, would they tell me how different my BF dresses to my EX H….NO, would they ask my BF if I have called him by my EX H name…NO!
This one is interesting for me (hope this posts…I finally figured out the we are still on IE6 at work and that might be the problem so I logged into Mozilla Firefox…let’s see).
Anyway, BF and LW were best friends. I think their social life revolved mostly around her family of birth and everyone’s children. I know they had friends, but I don’t think it was a big part of their social calendar to spend time with them, so I have not been subjected to this at all. Add to that the fact that it seems most friends they had have rejected BF once he was not a “couple” anymore. He has been excluded from events that he would have been invited to if LW were still alive and I know it’s hurtful sometimes. This is a common complaint from people that go from coupled to single, whether it be caused by death or divorce. My mom complained bitterly about it after my dad died. I was recently excluded from the wedding of my ex’s best friend’s son due to extremely tight guest limitations imposed by the bride’s family (and my ex and I are on good speaking terms and do attend events together when appropriate). I was also considered a close friend of this family for many years and was still invited to occasions in their home, but excluded from the wedding.
BF was always close with LW’s family, and we do spend significant time with one BIL and his wife in particular. They are very warm, welcoming, and friendly to me so I actually enjoy their company. Even if this was not the case, BF loves this BIL dearly and I would never dream of asking him to limit his time with them. We pretty much see the other in-laws for holidays and special occasions. They are all very nice to me so I have no issue with that either.
On my side, my relationships have changed over the years since my divorce too. You do find out who your “real friends” are in these situations. I still have most of my prior female friends with whom I was close. However, I stopped being invited to “couples” things once I became a divorcee. I made new, divorced friends, and was close with them for a while. Now I am a “couple” again so the relationships have shifted once more. We are now hanging out with other couples, none of which were in his married life or mine, and we still have in our lives our closest folks from before. Those are the “real” relationships and they don’t go away because of circumstance.
I think these shifts happen in life whether there is a loss or any other circumstantial change for the most part.
@Ted, I didn’t take it that way, bless ya, just saying in my opinion it is very much a dating a widower issue. Thanks for the lovely reply, much appreciated. Think I have a bit of a slow starter BF when it comes to realising things aren’t quite right
@Ted, I love the shrine builder comment! Ann too made a fab one yesterday too….professional grievers ….oh lucky lucky me, I’m surrounded by them all…..HELP!
My BF’s former SIL is a shrine builder anda professional griever to both LW and her own parents. Pretty much anyone who she has loved and who has passed. It’s like it’s her duty to be the “keeper of the past”…. or crypt keeper as I like to tell myself…. Truly not trying to be unsympathetic but some people make it a way of life to memoralize constantly. I just wonder how they can live their present life with so much of it centered in the past.
Denise, regarding the ‘slow starter’ attribute you assign to your W…..It’s a guy thing. Remember, that even the most sensitive of us types are still part of the gender of persons who disguise themselves as trees and bushes to hunt stupid turkeys that are readily available in the meat department at Krogers.
Oh Ted….I just spat my tea out laughing…you are an absolute star! X
Glad you thought it was funny. Have to admit, except for the Krogers part, that specific wording was lifted from an interview long ago as the late and former Texas Governor Ann Richards explained how to tell a good joke. When I can’t make it up myself, I steal from the best raconteurs.
Wow! What a strange relationship I was in with a W! He told me he and LW had many friends but now he has only one – his best friend since childhood. He told me so many stories of how he and LW went here and there and to so many charities. I asked him where they all went and he told me he blew them off after she passed. It seems to me now as if they never had any friends. Nobody calls him to do things, its weird.
Erika, maybe they were more friends with the late wife than the widower. Part of me finds that a little sad.
My BF also had a lot of friends with LW through Church as her father was the pastor there, but he is more “acquistances” or distant friendships than real close friends. Most of the socializing was done with her family and his own a they both came from large families. this is a challenge for me as I come from a small family. I always envied those with a large family group. But found this very stresful and anxiety provoking. His family are a bit of acold fishes. They make everyone jump through hoops to be accepted. I have been attending every holiday for over 2 years and there are still many of his family members who are just coldly polite to me,others have been hostile, and a few a little warmer. They are ajust an odd and inclusive bunch that don’t take to strangers well LOL. although after nearly 2 years I am hardly a stranger any more. Apparently they did this to LW also so I guess I am in good company. As for LW family, nice people but a few shriner builders as I suggested from my post above – but it’s simply never going to be very close. Almost like an invisible wall up because of the fact of who they are (LW famil) and who I am (GF of W). So it goes. I think this is adefinteily a W issue. Above posters are corrected. Friends and family of divorcees would never bring up memories with ex-husband, glowing stories of how wonderful he was etc… especially in front of a new Significant other. Everyone is very conscious this is not appropriate even if some family members still have mostly good feeling about the ex. The ex is still the father of my children… and he comes up in converation because we are still co-parenting it’s not in the glowing reminiscing of the past sort of way. This is uniquely Widower.
Thanks for the insight, ej. Out of curiosity, have you talked to the W about the way the two families treat you?
Great topic; I hope it’s in the book. This helps me understand why events like last night were ‘creepy’ to me. My BF and LW used to have people over for dinner a lot. My BF wants to continue this; last night was such a gathering. It was at his house (where they lived)… mostly same people and same setting. While I was in the kitchen preparing part of the meal I heard LW’s name. I feel a bit guilty wanting him to change friends, but at least I think I’d prefer that we do something else… go out to eat, listen to music, go for a hike…. something besides ‘taking her place’ with the same folks. To his credit.. he asked me to invite one of my friends last night. I did… however she’s the one his other guests were discussing LW with as soon as I left the table. Whoever said it is right… on these occasions in some ways it’s as if she’s still there.
Carol, yes creepy. Doubt that would happen if the W was divorced.
Hi – it was me that emailed Abel my question on the LW wife’s friends. I have spoken about it now and my BF does understand where I am coming from & that I have my own friends. Great. One issue down but then another arises….. OK so I have my own friends and want him to meet them – you know the odd dinner/ theatre etc. He seems reluctant. I am worried he loves having me around and we spend a lot of time together with his children & as youknow his LW friends & sometimes family. BUT he seems not to have thought it through that having a new girlfriend will mean he & eventually his children will have to meet my friends & family. I’m worried he just sees a new relationship as me & not considered the wider implications! I don’t have children of my own which makes it easier. How do I broach that he will need to open his mind to more people and rightly or wrongly new faces at christmas etc for him and his children. its a big world out there & sadly won’t be the same cocoon he & his wife had together. He is a successful man so is not shy. Do you think it plausible he has not realised a new women means lots of new people by association??
Thanks for any insights.
@Lorrie, yes, it’s very possible he just hasn’t thought outside of the “cocoon” if you will. Bringing a new person into the cocoon is no doubt a big change itself. I know with my husband, it was an ongoing issue between us for awhile, even after we married, because his LW’s family was first priority in his life (over both his family and mine).
It was a huge blind spot that stemmed from many years in his first marriage where LW’s family was his only social network, and hers. (Neither he nor the LW had friends outside of the marriage or outside of her family). It’s taken awhile to help my husband see things differently and reprioritize for OUR marriage. Best thing you can do is continue to talk to him, to calmly help him see your perspective too, and then give lots of positive reinforcement when he does! (My friends joke that I have a great “incentive plan” for encouraging him to reprioritize appropriately haha) Best of luck to you; these things tend to work themselves out over time!
Thanks Carol & Elizabeth,
Its comforting to know these are similar issues for most! Since my post my BF has agreed to dinner with my sister & hubby and a theatre trip with friends! I’ve also agreed dinner with the LW’s sister and their children – hopefully the balance will start to get more even. As long as I am mindful that a lot of the contact is for the childrens sake on the whole. Although the situation is similar Elizabeth – in that my BF had little to do with his own family & LW’s family were very much the dominant feature for 18 years… so a big change for all. Anyway from little acorns big oaks grow! fingers crossed. Thanks for everyone’s top tips and best wishes xx
Lorrie, yes… I think it was a comfortable ‘cocoon.’ And it creeps me out to feel I should fit into someone else’s slot. I’ve found that repeating dinner or social gatherings with the same people only serve to remind them of her as well. The first thing he told a guest last week (she she commented on what he was cooking) was that he and LW tried it after their trip to Italy… blah blah blah.’ I did all I could to calmly let him know how I feel and hope with time he’ll get it. He’s a great guy in so many ways, but as Abel says…. Never Settle. I so want to be number 1, which he says I am, but actions such as above make me feel a bit shaky. Good Luck.