Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife’s Facebook Page
April 6th, 2011 | 103 comments
Sorry for the late post today. I’ve been tied up in a bit of good news. My publisher sent a contract over for my Dating a Widower book this morning and I’ve spent some time reading through the contract and doing other Dating a Widower book-related things. There’s still some negotiation that needs to be done before anything is signed but it’s nice to know that an independent third party sees the value and need for this kind of book. Anyway, I’ll post a full update on the book on Monday as I’m going to need help from some of you to make this book a reality.
Now on to today’s column. . . .
A couple weeks ago when I was scanning some photos from my time in Bulgaria, I opened up one of my old photo albums and a picture of me and the late wife fell out. The photo was taken about six months before I left for Sofia and three years before we ended up tying the knot. It was a photo I carried around with me during my two years overseas.
Just seeing a photo of the two of us together took me out of the present and brought my mind back to the days when the photo was taken. I sat for a minute remembering those days (and how young I looked) then put the photo in a back cover of the album and continued with my photo scanning project.
I share this story because I’m increasingly getting emails from women who are having a hard time with the late wife’s Facebook page and/or the widower’s Facebook page. The problem isn’t that these Facebook pages exist but what the widower does on these pages.
When it comes to the late wife’s (memorial) page, for example, the widower’s girlfriend will look at the page and notice that the widower has recently uploaded some photos of the two of them on their page or left a comment on her wall saying how much he loves and misses her. Or on his own page, the widower will post photos of he and the late wife but no photos of he and the new woman exists on the page. Usually the woman talks to the widower about it and he tells her that he loves her and shouldn’t worry about it. The woman then feels like the widower’s actions show he isn’t ready to move and wants to know if she’s making a mountain out of a molehill.
My thoughts: I don’t have a problem with Facebook or memorial pages for the late wife or anyone else. The problem is that memorial pages that are easily accessible by the widower can cause him to focus on the past and what he lost instead of his new relationships and the potential future with that person. It’s too easy to be on Facebook, click over to the LW’s page, and get lost in a flood of memories and good times. I’m sure not all widowers have this problem, but based on the email flowing into my inbox, an increasing number do.
I’m not a big memorial person. I think people are best kept an remembered in one’s heart. Because of this, I have a hard time seeing the point of keeping a page of a deceased person up years after they’re gone. Facebook is something that the livings use—not the dead. If the LW’s Facebook page is causing tension in a relationship, the best solution would be to delete it. (This is something I’m requesting be done within a month of me dying. I will live on through my books, thankyouverymuch.) Deleting the LW’s Facebook page in order to make the new woman feel like #1 wouldn’t be a hard decision for me to make.
I also think it’s a red flag if he’s posting photos of his past on his own Facebook page but not mentioning you or posting photos of him and the new woman he claims to love. To me this is exactly the same as keeping his house full of photos of him and the LW but not posting new photos of the new woman or hiding her from friends and family. If the widower really loves you, he won’t have a hard time letting the world—even Facebook friends he barely knows—know that he loves you.
Just like a 15-year-old photo of me and the late wife sucked me back into the past for a few minutes, Facebook or memorial pages or websites can cause widowers to do the same thing. This can be especially hard for recent widowers or those who haven’t fully committed their hearts to the new woman.
There’s nothing wrong with remembering the past; there’s a time and place for that. It’s not good, however, to live in the past. If Facebook pages, memorial websites, or anything else is causing a widower to live in the past can cause more harm than good. If these are causing a widower to live in the past, it’s time for him to decide what he values more – a page on a website or a relationship with a real person.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
@Kim H. Why in the world would a man share such a comment? I would not blame you for making an exit from this relationship, and not letting the screen door hit you as you departed. It’s bad enough that he brought it up, but adding the salt of ‘even after 10 years’ with you he would still want LW back. What a wonderful testament to what he sees you bring to his life.
Of course this is all theoretical since LW can’t come back, but I would have a hard time, if I were in your position, of not wanting to hand him a gun and saying, “Well hell, if that’s the way you feel, then why don’t join her right now?”
@Kim H… no, he didn’t correct himself. In fact, he saw no issue with it. And later went on to have a conversation with a neighbor about how much one of his daughters looks like his wife. With me (his wife) sitting there. More pitying looks from more folks. Needless to say, not our best party memory.
I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend/husband(?) said that to you. I’m tending to agree with Ted on the exit strategy there… not only would I not want to be in that position with the man I love, but, I’m not sure I’d want to hitch my train to the wagon of someone who would say something so hurtful. (That being said, we only know one small snippet of your relationship. so I shouldn’t be making sweeping generalizations!)
@Pam… I understand exactly what you mean. My parents’ best friends were that way. Her husband passed away in his early 50s from liver failure (no, not a drinker) and I look at them the same way… I can’t imagine another person ever being as good or better for her than he was. Their relationship was truly one of a kind. Or maybe two, since we’re talking about yours too?
I think what may be hard for you/other widowers to realize is… not all relationships and marriages were necesssarily like yours. Some were, I’m sure. And some weren’t. Not all unions were fairy tales, just b/c they lasted. (Lots of people stay in marriages for lots of reasons that have little to do with being with “the” right person.) Not to say there wasn’t love… but, not everyone who lost someone lost “The One” so to speak.
So I can totally understand why you’d be hesitant to move on and commit to someone else if you feel that your LH was “The One” and no one else would/could be. That may change one day, or it may not. But how you’re approaching it, with honesty with your new partner, is perfect. It’s the folks out there who feel like you do, but go on to committ (or half-a___ commit) to a new person, who create the need for blogs like this!
@Annie, Ted, Lol I’m with you, I’d keep the pots and pans too!
@Kim H, I’m sorry your boyfriend felt compelled to share that with you. That was indeed insensitive. Though it’s not an unusual mind game that the bereaved play it’s inappropriate in the context of a new relationship and as you didn’t ask, might make a person wonder what his motive was. I don’t think all widowed people think it is okay to play the favorites card but those that do are probably not ready for a relationship of a serious nature. And I agree with Ted’s assessment. You should not have to put up with that type of treatment.
@Elizabeth, I am sometimes mistaken for R’s only wife as he is sometimes assumed to be my only husband. Sometimes we correct the error and sometimes we don’t. It depends on the magnitude and the circumstances and how well we know the person. And for me, it depends on how much or not I feel like trotting out my history or R’s because people’s reactions run the gamut. It’s a need to know thing and most people aren’t important enough in the grander scheme for us to enlighten most times. It helps that we are both widowed b/c feeling slighted is rarely an issue especially after four years (time changes things as you noted). We know where we stand with each other and in the context of our immediate family, so what anyone else might think doesn’t matter. But I don’t think you are selfish or insensitive. Our pasts bring with it a definite idea of what a new relationship should be. We should honor ourselves by expecting what we know we need and being willing to give the other person what they need as well and a past marriage is past and should be ranked accordingly.
@Annie, Elizabeth, Pam, Ted, it did cause some seriously hard times for our relationship and the remark did make me feel that it was a bit pointless to continue if he was going to say similar in years to come. We had an in depth chat a few days later and he gets where I’m coming from now. He(boyfriend) is a lovely guy in general and we are good together so was just an isolated incident. His explanation for thinking this way was that she was the mother of his children so he wouldn’t have a choice. I said in future best to keep such thoughts to yourself as I really don’t need or want to hear them! I don’t think there was any motive behind it at all, I think he just blurted out what was on his mind without thinking. I also have 2 minor children and asked how he would feel if i said i might think about going back to my ex husband in the future if he changed his personality(as much chance of the dearly departed coming back to life!) W said its always better for children to grow up with their mum and dad together so he would put the happiness of my children first. All very nice in principle but I’m certain in reality it would be anything like that!
……….”I’m certain in reality it WOULDN’T be anything like that!” Doh! Must read comments before submitting
Kim, if your guy is doing ‘what ifs’….then wouldn’t it have been so much nicer to say, instead of focussing on himself, he would have said, “I love your so much that if I had it in my power to turn back the clock, change your exH’s bad ways so he would be a good husband, and then to have allowed you to be in a happy home and happy relatinship with him, then I would do it. Knowing full well that I would lose you, I would do it.” That is essentially how I feel about P.G. IIf I could re-do things for her so that she and her lovely 3 kids and her ex would still be together, and happy, I would do it in a flash. Because that would be right. And not necessarily with the understandling that LW would come back to me in this fantasy. She deserved better than what she got. I am so happy I have her and so happy she and are so right for one another now, but still, she and her kids really did deserve better. As for me and my LW….Gosh. I don’t know if I would have her back or not. I don’t regret the years with her and it really woudl be wonderful for her to be here to be grandma to the new babies coming. But she had a lot of baggage and was an erratic mother at times. I think the kids, especially the girls, recognize the problems she would be brining to their relationships and family life. We have even had conversatons, what-ifs. The conclusion is usually that we miss her but that lives are settled and more peaceful now that she is at peace in heaven. It sounds cruel, but LW was sometimes a very troubled woman. Would I go back 30 years ago and undo our marriage and the births of our lovely children? No. But neither would I undo how things ended, either. This is how God meant for it to be for me and my children. And now, when I mention P.G.s name to grandaughter (that P.G. is coming for and Easter visit), the little one gets excited and starts dancing. I suppose it is meant to be that my granddaughter will have a ‘grandma’ figure in her life without the psychological baggage that LW carried.
Well now hold on a minute… if LW is coming back for the kids’ sake, that means she’ll be coming back to resume helping with caring for the kids, driving carpool, washing their dirty soccer socks, packing their lunches, cleaning their rooms and paying their orthodontia bills and college tuition(s), heck, I just might welcome her back! myself! (Especially if she can cook!)
Coming back for the kids? That’s an interesting take.
I don’t actually indulge in the “what ifs”. Some of my blog readers once asked me to speculate on what my life would be like if LH hadn’t died and I really had no scenario to offer b/c I have no clue and I like how things have turned out for me, so I don’t wonder about it. I am happy where I am at and with R. But I understand why people would play these games. It helps them sort their feelings out and reorder their lives, but I think if done it should be kept to oneself to minimize hurt feelings and misunderstanding. And I think this kind of thinking occurs in the early years and fades away over time.
@Ted, thank you for your honesty and the feeling with which you write. You express yourself so beautifully… and you do it in a way that doesn’t alienate anyone. You make me feel more positive about my own situation and what it might bring! (PS i still say if the woman can cook, I’d bring her back though… man I’m a terrible cook!)
Really interesting reading! I have followed this web page for a couple of years–and have really enjoyed the “Widower Wednesday” column, also. Actually, I am the anonymous writer who posed the “where should the second wife be buried” question several Wednesday columns ago. How I wish I could have had this forum to guide me when I (a divorced mother of two) met and married my DH (then a W with four young children). We have been together for 35 years next month, and have 31-year-old twin boys together. Just over a year ago he was referring to someone he had just met by saying, “They are just like we are. His wife passed on, and then he hooked up with this gal.” I was amazed, and hurt, but I had no idea what to say. Another day,(recently) he was visiting (with me there) with someone, and when we were home I told him, “You just referred to “my wife” seven times , and not once did it mean me. ” He just looked sadly at me, and said, “I just forget, sometimes.” Several of you have made a case for being treated the way you should right from the beginning, and that is as it should be. I was so newly divorced that I felt I was “damaged goods”, and he was so newly widowed that I felt he needed all the sympathy I could muster. I didn’t have to deal with pictures all over the house, and I packed up her “breakables” so my three-year-old wouldn’t have a chance to break them–besides, if something of mine was broken, I could replace it, hers wouldn’t ever be replaceable. But, the house was as if she left for the grocery store and would be right back. Even after we designed and build our new house, there were more of her things there than mine–clothes, make-up, etc. And now, after 35 years–discarding something of hers or theirs from long ago is a painful ordeal for my DH. Just last week-end, he was shredding papers from a box from the basement, and had to comment on the loan papers for the first furniture they bought together. I guess he went on to shred it–it may be tucked back into a box in his office. A couple of years ago, I bought a large scrapbook box for him, and asked him to start collecting papers, pictures, etc. as he came to them around the house so they would all be together, and he told me that he couldn’t possibly fit all his thoughts and memories in that little box. I didn’t ask him to put any thoughts or memories away, just the notes, cards, pictures, etc. that seem to come out of no where everytime I clean–and I don’t clean his drawers, desk, office, etc! Anyway, I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your candid answers and comments, and to let you know that you must expect your feelings to be respected from the beginning. I should have been much more candid–not difficult or selfish, but open and straightforward from the start.
@Elizabeth – you are exactly right…he and I were “The One” for each other.
I am and will always be honest from the get-go. Anyone who I date, if things don’t work out with this guy, or if we choose to be “just friends”, will know from the beginning how I feel. I have no intention of ever “blind-siding” anyone. Truthfully, I feel like I can only date widowers anyway, because they know what I’m going through and they won’t make any demands for me to erase my beloved LH from my heart and life. I, in turn, will not do that, either. I do not think I could feel comfortable dating a divorced man because I know SO MANY divorced people, both men and women, some close friends of mine, who are so bitter that they can’t get through a conversation without trashing the ex. So I do not think that they could relate or understand where I am coming from.
@Everyone Else – I think the “what ifs” are a very painful waste of time…sadly (at least in my case, I know that all marriages are different…good point Ted!!) he is not coming back. Anyone that I date would never have to be jealous of him because he’s not coming back.
@Ted – good point about all marriages being different…I do know what you mean and I have thought of that. Thanks for sharing your own experiences with your LW. I think it makes sense for people who had less-than-perfect marriages to have an easier time moving on than those of us who had as-close-to-perfect-as-you-can-get marriages.
@Pam – I am not an expert on what makes it harder or easier to move on after the loss of a spouse but I think sometimes it is easier for those who had a good marriage to move on because they have positive feelings about the institution of marriage and about sharing life with someone they love. My husband contacted me 9 months after his LW died. He said at the time that he was looking to rekindle an old friendship but does admit that there was more to it than that. It didn’t take long before we realized that we had fallen in love again after 34 years and began moving toward a future together. He and his LW had discussed his life after she died and both knew he would find someone and remarry because he was too young to send the rest of his life alone. They had had a wonderful marriage and were best friends, partners, soul mates and colleagues. He has talked of their closeness and love, and I have read things written by their friends; words like “…have never seen two people more in love, more affectionate and more respectful of each other.” In fact, they had the marriage that everyone envied and when she died, he did not want to go on. Fortunately for us, he did. We married in January, a little more than 3 years after his LW died. He has wonderful memories of her but now he loves me profoundly and passionately. He gave up a serious career to move half-way across the country because I have minor children and was not willing to leave or uproot them. We are building a marriage that he has told me is every bit as fulfilling and joyous as his first one. We are best friends, confidantes, playmates, partners in all things, and as much in love now at 57 as we were at 17. Our happiness does not diminish the love he had for his LW for more than 30 years but she is gone and I am here. He was ready and able to move forward and love me. I hope that you will find a love that is just as fulfilling as the one you had with your LH, someday.
@Elizabeth, Ted and Annie – The pots and pans are Calphalon and moved to Maryland with my husband. We both love to cook so there was no question of leaving them behind. (Besides, his LW did not cook at all so no fodder for my over-active imagination.) My 40 year old pots are packed up for whichever one of my daughters sets up housekeeping in an apartment first! Thank you all for the levity.
@Diney Welcome to the discussion and thanks for your question a couple weeks ago. I think you made the mistake a lot of women make when they get involved with a widower but you’ve been with him over three decades now so he does make you feel special at least some of the time, right?
@Diney, you are not at all alone, I did the exact same thing when my husband and I first got together… which is probably why I’m so vocal about it sometimes! I loved my husband and I cared for his children, and felt for what they (and the LW’s family) had gone through. Unfortunately, that wound up becoming way too huge a focus in our lives and our relationship. Over time I realized “wait a minute… something’s wrong here…”.
I think honestly part of it was plain ol’ habit… and habits take time to change. But some of the things we went through were definitely selfishness and inconsideration on the part of my husband…. b/c initially, the LW and her family seemed to always take precedent over me, us, and our families. B/c that’s what he had been used to for so long.
The other part of it was my personality… I’m a recovering people pleaser and it’s a 12 step program all its own, believe me. It took a lot of time, thought, self-examination, etc. to summon the courage to stand up for myself, even at teh risk of seeming insensitive or selfish. But, as my best friend put it to me… if YOU don’t look out for your happiness, who do you think will? And if this marriage is all about him, his LW and their children, what on earth are YOU doing in it? (She’s a wise girl)
Interestingly, when I changed my approach (and believe me this took some time, and is still a work in progress) in turn, it started to change how he, his children and his LW’s family viewed and treated me. The old adage is true… you teach people how to treat you. I just never realized it until this situation unfolded around me.
Glad to have you join the discussion, and am glad it has helped you… I have to honestly say there were points early on where I had so much self doubt and hurt, and this blog (and a couple others like it) literally were life savers to me mentally and emotionally. (not to sound too overly dramatic!)
@Ted, again, thank you SO MUCH for your honesty. It is rare (understandably) for a person in your situation to be able to be so honest about his or her first marriage. It seems our society as a whole edifies the deceased. Your candor and realism is refreshing for those of us who – merely b/c we’re still living – won’t ever quite reach that pedestal that the deceased are often relegated to. So thank you!
@Elizabeth (and others)…don’t get me wrong. LW was a wonderful woman. In many ways she was the epitome of womanhood: beautiful, spirited, lovingly motherly and very fertile. In fact, deep down inside me viscerally as a guy, perhaps her fertility and my spawning five children with her may have been a major attraction she had for me once our marriage was underway. An earthiness that transcends the eons, this mother-stuff…..stuff that a guy like me is fascinated with because, obviously, it is mysterious and foreign to the XY. It botthers me that many men don’t seem to react that way to their mates. Or maybe they do and it just doesn’t come across like it does for wordy, open-mouthed old me. But now, in my present state, the same mysteriousness is part of what attracts me to Perfect Gal. She is a mother, above all, and though I surely was not around for her child-bearing years, I am still drawn to her partly, like a moth to the flame, because of that deep-seated fertility and feminity that she had back then and still has in my eyes. P.G. is a totally different woman, but the ‘practice’ I had in trying to understand, appreciate and honor LW’s feminity I think makes me a better mate for P.G. than I would be otherwise. Better stop here or I will embarras myself. But back to LW She was like that girl in the little poem…”When she was good, she was very, very good. And when she was bad, she was horrid!”. And the bad parts becamse more frequent as she aged, and especially after her illness set in. I try to recall, when I do think of her, those good ‘high’ times. But towards the end, frankly, I literally prayed very hard for more of a ‘flat-line’ in the emotions. I saw my life in the last few years wih her as high and low arcs on a monitor screen, like in a hospital room. I wanted things to be more normal. My prayers were answered, in a way. The extremes were literally flattened to one straight line when she passed away in her hospital room and the monitor became on long tone instead of beeps. I had to deal with a certain amount of guilt for a while. Did I PRAY for her death? But of course, that was nonsense. This was all in God’s hands, but it did bother me that I ‘got what I asked for”…..a flat line.
But those highs and good times with LW did, in a way, make me who I am today. And the good part of that kind of demeanor is now being enjoyed by Perfect Gal. I am, in her words, “the cruise director.” I make her laugh. I plan our little getaway trips and make sure that all is as perfect as possible for her. LW, more or less demanded the best hotel room and dining out more than we really could afford because she seemed to live for the creatue comforts and attention. Now, though, when I treat P.G. like a princess in these situations (having had practice with LW), things are absolutley appreciated by her, NOT expected. Some good can come from most life experiences. Even the bad ones.
@Lynn, I have heard both theories on why people remarry but I still believe that it comes down to personality and resilience. Some people are just better able to pick up and move on than others.There are widowed who are perfectly content to be widowed and build their lives from that point on for themselves, and there are those who feel that life is better shared and that great love is not a once in a lifetime thing.
@Ted, I think that we are with the people we are meant to be when we are meant to be with them, if that makes sense.
@Diney, If I wasn’t careful with my wording and the info I chose to share, people could easily get the impression I had two husbands. The language surrounding it is bothersome. “Former” doesn’t apply. I hate euphemisms like “late” (“he’s not late,” my daughter will say, “he’s dead.”) But “dead” makes people cringe and start glancing about for escape routes. In the beginning I erred on the side of not talking about LH at all and R was the same about his LW, but that feels cold (and a bit disingenuous), so both the LS’s slip in and out of conversation when appropriate these days. Perhaps b/c we are both widowed, neither of us thinks much of it. The whole thing about being second is a non-issue when the fact is that we are the only spouses to each in the house (or on the planet for that matter). Sometimes I feel like the mom character in Moonstruck “I know who I am.” She uses that line when someone tries to rock her boat and she lets him know that she’s not having it b/c she has her image of herself firm and nothing is going to change it.
@ Elizabeth, no pedestals or shrines in our house. We don’t necessarily share negative stuff (b/c no one is perfect) mostly because it doesn’t seem fair to the LH/LW as they are no longer able to share their side of the story (b/c there are always two pov’s on everything – at least). People seem to view turbulence as a sign of a bad marriage but unless it is something along the deal breaker lines, the truth is that all marriages go up and down. Some people just choose to whitewash completely where others are comfortable being totally real about it. Most fall somewhere in the middle. My LH’s illness caused degenerative damage to his brain, which is why I don’t write much about the time just before he was diagnosed. I don’t know how much of that was him or how much was the illness – he was really quite ill and the damage more extensive early on than we knew. Consequently, I bristle a bit when the tired “people who remarry probably had less than perfect marriages” adage gets trotted out. I don’t think there is a one size and as I mentioned to Lynn, it’s more about who we are as people that influences us than anything else. But you are right on about habits, and they can take time to replace with new ones.
@Diney, I was shocked to hear your husband’s response that “I just forget sometimes”. Once is insensitive but seven times is offensive. Glad you gave him an earful about it. I would have done the same!
@Elizabeth, I think that some friends and family almost try to keep the widower in the widower frame of mind as long as possible as the only relationship they have with them is one of pity and admiration of how they are doing so well on their own. W having a new lady in his life seems to burst their friends/ family’s little bubble somehow! I’ve had this discussion with bf recently as have had some signs of resentment towards me from people we know who have found out about us being together. They knew LW and have supported him and his children since LW passed away but changed their attitude and became less supportive toward him after hearing about us. Quite a few deleted me from facebook and others have just been more stand offish. I’ve told him that anyone who genuinely cares about him would be delighted to see him happy, not want to see him suspended in a permanent state of grief and solitude.
@Pam, from my point of view I’d never have feelings of jealousy towards LW. It’s just as a relationship goes forward and you get closer to W, them speaking openly about their “what ifs” kind of undoes all the work that you’ve both put into the relationship up to that point. For me and bf that has been a particularly long road for reasons I won’t go into and that’s why comments like his cut very deep
@Annie, Elizabeth, Pam, Ted thank you so much for taking time to reply and give me your views on my post
@Kim H, one thing I noticed about extended family and friends is that they have the luxury of not having to think (therefore grieve) about the deceased all the time. It only seems to come into focus for them when they are around the widowed person. So when the W moves on, they have to move on as well and since they didn’t spend as much time preparing, they are resentful. Not excusing them, by the way, just saying. R and I had probably less patience and compassion for the stragglers as we should have, but eventually, everyone gets with the program when you are a united front about what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. I know we have the idea that people should be happy for us but the reality is that most people are more concerned about what makes them happy.
@Ted, you just brought me to tears…Just this past weekend, my BFand I had a great open discussion about how she did things vs how I do things. It is important for me to feel special and not like he is doing things like he always did with her. You are realistic about your LW, much how my BF is realistic about his LW. They were only married for over 2 years and we youngins think to those first 2 years as “newlyweds” as the most wonderful time in a couple’s relationship…well, it wasn’t perfect and they argued, and were REAL people. I know he still loves her, but he has made it known that I am #1. He told me last night he can’t wait til the day I’m looking down on him as he holds a special gift for me….Your story gives me a lot to hope for.
@Elizabeth–We sound a lot alike in your previous post. Here’s what I got upset about last night and I’d like your take on it, if you don’t mind. Last weekend, I went to visit my BF in his hometown (2 states away). We went to a friend’s wedding together and then spent a day with his family. It was a great time, we had fun and I felt truly accpeted as his GF. As we were leaving I saw a envelope on the windshield. I got it and it was an invitation to his sister-in-law’s baby shower!!!! What a great feeling! I was being asked to a special family event and not just as Tami, but as his GF. WOW! So I’ve been on cloud 9 for the past few days. Well, last night he tells me that his LW’s family will be flying in that weekend to come to the shower…my heart dropped. Emotions of jealousy, selfishness, anger, pity fell over me. When I was feeling very special to be invited, I know now that the LW immediate family will be there too. Their presence will overshadow me because everyone there hasn’t seen them in a while, “That’s her family, remember” and there I will be, the OTHER WOMAN…..I thought I had gotten over most of these jealousy issues, but when he told me that, I freaked out. What words of wisdom, advice can you offer? I dont’ want to feel this way. I want to be happy to see them and go on with my life with my BF. I love him dearly and I know that he’s going to be in my life forever…but these I don’t want to constantly be in shadows when his LW’s family is around.
@Annie – I absolutely agree that moving forward is a personal decision, which is easier for some than for others. (I had actually intended to write that last night but got side-tracked crafting the rest of my post.) IMO, it is that way to some degree for all people; widowed, divorced and never married. I am a prime example of someone who has only had one great love and (stupidly) made many life choices based on hanging on to it even after being soundly rejected. It affected my career choice (or lack thereof) and ultimately my choice of a spouse. I honored the commitment I made to my ex husband for 26 years but, in retrospect, have realized that he never truly came first in my heart. I cannot regret the marriage because it gave us two lovely daughters but do wish I had understood myself better for his sake, and mine. I don’t believe that widow(er)s have cornered the “hanging on to the past” market, just that for many reasons, including societal constructs, it is easier and much more acceptable to do so under the circumstances. I also believe that each of us must choose how we will live our lives and, as long as we are willing to take responsibility for it, no one else has the right to second guess or judge us.
My apologies (again) for being so long-winded.
@Lynn, it is a choice and it is easier for some than others, totally agree It also applies equally to other relationship categories. I spent much of my early life single and I chalked it up to bad luck but the reality was that I wasn’t ready to make the choice to be part of a couple and was sabotaging myself. When I was ready, I met my LH almost instantly. The same goes for R. When I was ready to move on, it was a no brainer decision to make the leap with him. You have to want to – really deep down and not just at the surface level of saying the right words. And I am big on the not letting others second guess or impose their views via judgement. (And you are no more long winded than anyone else here).
@Tami, I know you didn’t ask me but I can relate b/c I still get a bit knotted up a bit when events include R’s in-laws. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel and to talk about it with your BF, so he knows where you are coming from and why. It’s just a baby shower. The focus will be on the mom/baby-to-be. It takes time to blend families. Everyone is nervous. Mixed feelings are normal. Just be you.
Any opinions about W who considered marriage to LW wonderful but does not consider re-marriage?
Thanks, Annie, I deff apreciate the tips.
We talked about it last night as I cried like a rediculous babbling brook…he kept re-assuring me. It’s not him I’m frustrated with. It’s the competition I feel like they are imposing. I could be WAY off here, IDK. Her family didn’t speak to me for MONTHS when they found out he and I were dating and only recently opened up a little bit. I don’t know why, but I didn’t think they would be invited to this event…when I found out, I was shocked. Maybe I get so carried away with my BF that I forget that he was married before and he had a whole set of in-laws…they ddin’t just disappear when she died. Our relationship has been phenominal and most of the time, I don’t think about her, their past, etc. We make it so wonderful with just us so when reality snaps and they appear for a baby shower, it throws off this easy-going feeling I have when they are not directly involved. They are going to be a part of our lives somehow. Their daughter, my BF’s LW was one of my best friends, so I love them, but at the same time, I’m IN LOVE with my BF and his past, as precious as it was, is his past. I would expect him to feel the same way if my ex boyfriend’s mom was always calling me or texting me, etc. I know that they have a unique relationship. At this point, what I need is help on how to get through this without being jealous of them and their tight grip on him. They don’t plan on letting him go, he will “always be their son-in-law/brother-in-law, etc.” As much as I understand their need to hold on to him (from their daughter’s friend POV) I also see that they need to let him go a little. He’s gotta move on and he is doing that with me. I don’t want to be in the delivery room one day down the road with her mom waiting outside the doorwith a camera…do you see where I’m going? I love them, but I want MY family and HIS family to be in my future intimate life, not always holding on to him because they need him to remind them of their daughter….make any sense???
@Tami, it does make sense. But, you could very well end up with his MIL being a part of your family in addition to his and your immediate ones . That happens sometimes. There isn’t a right or wrong way to go about this and you are right that you should hold the top spot regardless of how things fall out.
My daughter regards her stepsisters cousins as her own and even lays a bit of claim to the LW’s sibs as her aunts and uncles. Extended families can be okay. It still makes me a bit edgy but our last gathering was good. And I work from the standpoint that the LW’s family is R’s family no less than his own mom an sibs are. Our IL’s become family.
I know that it’s hard to not make the analogy to ex-boyfriends b/c that is your experience set – but it’s not the same.It just isn’t. The connection your BF has with his IL’s is a whole other level, and unless they break it off – probably a permanent bond.
I get the sense this is still a young relationship. This will settle into a pattern and become less of an issue over time. Be open but insist on your space. It could turn out to be much better than you expect.
@SHJ, some people don’t remarry. They date. They even have long-term relationships but the interest in another marriage just doesn’t happen for them. If you want marriage, it’s better to look for someone like minded than waste time on someone who isn’t.
@Annie… hope my post didn’t rile you or give the impression that I was saying my husband (or any other widowers) remarry b/c of unhappiness in their former marriages. I’d say the reasons folks marry and remarry are as varied and unique as the individuals themselves, regardless of whether they’ve been married, divorced, or widowered before.
Interestingly, I’ve seen both sides of that fence in comments from his LW’s family, actually… one of the LW’s brothers told me that my must have husband married me b/c he was so happy with his LW that he wanted to repeat the experience. Another of the LW’s siblings said he was miserable with her and was looking to get it right this time. Where is the truth? Who knows, who cares, and what does it matter now anyhow? What happened in their marriage – - good, bad or indifferent, – none of my business, really. I’m just thankful he wanted to.
@Lynn, you are not even remotely the longest-winded person on here, so no more apologies! If anyone should apologize, it’s me (and I do!)
@Tami, I understand exactly how you feel and where you’re coming from. Sometimes it’s hard b/c you feel like you want at least some parts of the relationship (and future marriage) to be uniquely your own (yours and his) – - and it’s hard to do when his LW’s family – and therefore his LW, by proxy, is (or seems to be) part of EVERYTHING.
The trick, I think, is to get to where you can accept that they ARE part of his (and someday possibly your) family, but, they are “extended” family. So their role in his marital life will at some point need to transition. Trust me when I say this will be a difficult transition for your husband and for his LW’s family, and therefore for you. My situation is probably a bit different / more extreme than some,b/c of the level of involvement (immersion?) that existed. If you’d like to talk more via email, please let Abel know and he can give you my email address. But please know, like Annie said, how you feel is COMPLETELY normal!
@Ted, what you wrote was beautiful and moving… and both your LW and PG are very lucky women. Thx again for being part of this blog!
@ Elizabeth, no worries.
@Annie… sometimes it’s easy to misconvey when posting in blog form, so just wanted to ensure that I didn’t convey the wrong impression to you or anyone else.
I’m really sorry for what you went through; illnesses or injuries that affect the brain can be the worst of all, b/c it seems like they rob you of the person even before the person passes on… and it leaves you with even more painful memories (or at least it did me). I’m sorry for your loss and for your having gone through that.
@Elizabeth, I have gotten in trouble with misconception often enough on the web to understand the ease with which miscommunication happens. But I understood what you were saying.
I feel a bit odd accepting condolences or any acknowledgements really for that time period anymore because it was so long ago, and I do believe there is a statute of limitations, but thank you.
@SJH It depends if you want to get married or not. If you do and the widower has no interest in it, it’s time to move on and find someone who wants to get married.
@Annie, Are you sure I can’t send my husband (and his LW’s family) to Camp Annie?!
@Abel–please send me Elizabeth’s email and mine to her, por favor!
@Tami — Done.
Diney, where is the anonymous post to which you refer in #63?
It’s the topic of the Feb. 2 “Widower Wednesday” column. I should have included more information–such as letting you all know that this has been a topic of discussion intermittently with my DH since before we were married. It has been decided, and changed, and changed again–and now stands as he will be buried with LW, and I have my own plots in the cemetery in the town where we built our home 33 years ago. His children and our children are not happy with the decision, but don’t know how to let their dad know of their feelings. His daughter (who has been my daughter since she was four) says that she will bury him by me in the town where the kids all grew up because he won’t have much of a say if he is already passed. I’m not sure how I feel about that attitude–I’d rather we come to an agreement while all are still here to weigh in, but don’t know how to convene a family conference.
@Diney, Could you simply let your kids know that it’s okay with you if they talk to their Dad about this? I can understand not wanting to go against his final resting place wishes but your daughter has a valid point. He has no say and can’t impose his wishes on them once he’s gone. Funerals and burials are about the living. Perhaps he needs to know how they feel and what they purpose doing after the fact? It does seem disrespectful of them and you. It doesn’t have to be the whole family at once but maybe if he hears from them individually, he might change his mind.
It’s more than okay with me for the kids to talk with their father, individually and/or collectively. Only two of them have–his oldest and my oldest. Note: he had four, and I had two, then we had a set of twins together–who are now 31. He brought up the subject a couple of years ago with his (our) oldest son, and his son came to me and told me (as did my husband) that they had talked and what they had discussed. That son in turn talked in groups or individually to all the rest of the kids. They thought it was all settled, and that we were going to get places at the cemetery where we have lived and raised the kids for 33+ years. They all felt it was important to have a marker that honored the family we have become, and all of their names on it. Then husband “discovered” another space next to LW’s burial place where he already has a spot and they have a double marker–all filled in except his death date, but (appropriately) with only his first four children with LW on the back. He came back and told me that is where he feels he should be buried since there is room for me there, but that is up to me–he doesn’t care where I choose.
Diney, You sound like a wonderful wife, mother, and all around warm, caring and understanding person who has dedicated over 30 years to a wonderful and somewhat large blended family. Your husband’s children from his first marriage clearly appreciate your love and the sacrifices you have made. I hope you will all be able to come to a comfortable and agreeable conclusion on this and other issues.
Sorry…I have no idea how this was posted 4 times. Laptop has a mind of it’s own. Well, at least you know how I really think
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@SJH — No problem. I’ll clean it up.
Diney, you do have awesome children. Perhaps if you just left it up to them? I hope the situation can be worked out.
My ex has his headstone next to his “truly beloved” yet he said he loved me – how can that work out?
Yes I am interested in opinions about the headstone myself.
@Erika & SJH — See if this Widower Wednesday post helps: http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/where-to-bury-the-second-wife/
On a slightly different note …. my partner of over a year moved in with me a few months ago, his wife died almost 2 years ago and they were together 3 years. He put together a box of photo’s and keepsakes that for now his mum is taking care of in her loftspace. However, he has a large potted acer tree that he bought as a living memory of his LW. This has recently become a contentious issue as he believes that it should come with him to my house where we are now living and then stay with us from now on. Should I be ok with this? It feels uncomfortable for me to be looking out of my kitchen window every day looking at this ‘memorial’. Am I being unkind or am I jusitified in not wanting it to come with us? I would appreciate other peoples opinions on this subject! Thank you. Paula.
How does one ‘get rid of the ‘ghost’ of the dead partner
who constantly permeates the space ‘between’ each other. The decceased is everywhere from the nick nacks to the pictures to the thousands of other remembrances around the place.
They are in the ‘we’ this and ‘we’ that and ‘we’ did and ‘we’ wen;
the anniversaries, the memorial and the continuous ‘we’ this-and- that and the ‘they’ dids.
Yet ‘we present two’ love one another.
Is it me?
My late wife’s FB account is still active. I leave it for those who wish to post a comment in memory. I don’t post comments on her page, nor upload pictures. Actually, I rarely did those things when she was alive.
I hadn’t visited it in quite a while, but this week’s blog prompted me to do so today. I don’t enjoy going there. She’s not there. She’s in heaven, and she lives in the fond memories we all hold of her.
While there was a flurry of postings around the time of her death (3 months ago), there have only been a few posts in the the last month. That seems fitting.
I suppose some day I will need to have the page deactivated. Unitl that time, however, I have no plans to try to memorialize her in that medium.
I can relate. I am a GOW too. My boyfriend’s LW photos was posted in my boyfriend’s FB account. He is always posting greetings for his LW on their wedding anniversary and her LW’s birthday. It hurts so much on my part because I feel like I’m a mistress. Sometimes, I wanted to give up the relationship but I love him and I really wanted to help him. Before, he told me that he loves me conditionally while he loved his LW unconditionally. Since I love him more than anything else, I still continued having a relationship with him because I know he is a good person. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and he keep on doing that stuff (greets her LW in FB, their wedding anniversary) and doesn’t want our relationship be opened in public. And the hard thing also is that he is a thousand miles away from me (long distance relationship). I am willing to wait and he also told me that he is also willing to wait but I do not know how far we can go. I wanted to feel like I’m his number 1 and I cannot feel from him.