Widower Wednesday: The 6-Week Drop-Off Curve
June 8th, 2011 | 19 comments
Thanks to all those who responded to my questions about starting an independent discussion form on my website. For lots of reasons I’ve decided not to put one on my site right now. I might start one in the future but for now I encourage everyone to use the DAW Facebook group and/or the comments threads on the Widower Wednesday posts. For those members of the FB group, please keep in mind there are many women dating a widower who don’t have Facebook accounts and just use the comment threads in the Widower Wednesday columns for advice. I encourage everyone to browse through the comments on these posts and, if so inclined, give your insight to those who are asking for help.
Now on to today’s column. . . .
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Recently I’ve seen a lot of emails and FB posts from women who are in the early stages of dating a widower only to have the widower unexpectedly stop communicating or just call things off about a month into the relationship. Generally these relationships got off to a great start so most women are a little stunned when they suddenly come to a screeching halt.
In the dating world there’s something that’s known as the six-week drop-off curve.* In a nutshell the six-week drop-off curve is the length of time it takes for someone to get bored with the relationship and realize it’s not for them. In a relationship with a non-widowed man, most women would realize that the man simply wasn’t interested and move on. With widowers, however, women think that if the widower just has time to grieve, the relationship will get back on track. As a result, they wait around hoping the widower will eventually come to his senses and come back to them.
The six-week drop-off curve is why I advice women to approach the initial month or two of dating a widower slowly and with their eyes wide open. Widowers (and non-widowed men) can only fake interest in a woman or a relationship for so long. If they’re just looking for companionship, sex, or to fill a hole in their heart, it usually comes out in the first six to eight weeks of a relationship. Taking things slowly can help you avoid giving to much of yourself or your heart to a widower who doesn’t want the same kind of relationships as you.
For women who find themselves on the short end of the six-week drop-off curve, my advice is simple: Don’t wait around for the widower because odds are, he’s not coming back. And those who do return are generally interested only in sex.
The first thing you have to remember is that you’re dating a man not a widower. It doesn’t matter if the man is single, divorced, or widowed—the six-week drop-off curve applies to everyone. It doesn’t matter how well the first date went or how great your first time in the sack together was. If the widower gets bored or simply decides there’s no long-term potential for the relationship, he’ll end it.
Second, keep in mind that most widower who use the grief excuse for ending things are doing it because it makes breaking up super easy. Most widowers have learned if they say they’re still grieving, most women will give them a free pass. Yes, there are some widowers who are really grieving most widowers are to wussy to just tell you that he’s simply not interested in you anymore.
Third, once men end a relationship they generally go on with their lives. They don’t spend a lot, if any, time wondering if you’re still available, what you’re doing, or if you’re thinking about them. They get involved with work, watch a football game, or work on being a father to his kids. If you’re waiting around for him to come crawling back to you, odds are you’re wasting your time.
Fourth, widower who do contact you again after breaking things off after six weeks are generally lonely and are looking for sex or someone to pass the time with. Odds are they aren’t that interested in you or a long-term relationship. Getting involved with them simply opens you up for more heartache.
Remember, if a relationship is meant to work out, it will. Don’t get sucked into a widower’s mind or relationship games. Widowers are serious about starting a new life won’t play games with your heart. Instead, they’ll treat you like a queen.
* Length of time varies but most dating experts peg the drop off curve at 3-8 weeks.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
One of the most damaging ideas that women are fed from an early age is that men who run hot/cold – string them along have some emotional barrier that if we just hang in there and be more understanding about, they will get over and see what an awesome thing we have together. And worse, we pass along the anecdotal stories of the sister’s bf cousin for whom this actually worked as proof that it works. And of course, tv and movies make large fortunes promoting this romantic notion of the man with “issues” seeing the light via the love of the long-suffering woman.
I don’t think love should entail suffering or denying yourself happiness in the name of some long-term payoff that probably won’t ever be.
My husband has told me more than once that his gender is low on stand up guys. Those who will just be honest and say “this isn’t going to work, sorry” rather than pull a vanishing act or offer up a lie to brush a woman off. But it’s hard to tell someone, “I don’t like you enough” and we think we are being kind when we offer an excuse like “I’m not ready” or “I need more time to grieve”. Though there might be a kernel of truth in those excuses, what they really mean is that “if I do get into a relationship, it’s not going to be with you”.
I have said this before, but it fits with Abel’s advice. Grief has never kept a man, or a woman, from entering into a relationship and remarrying if they know the person is the right one. For the right woman, a man will get his shit together in a hurry and nothing will get in his way.
@ Abel, 3 to 8 wks? I have been on the giving and receiving end of that time table and it is so true.
@Annie — 3-8 weeks, that’s been my experience too.
And you’re movie comment gave me an idea for a book….hmmm, I’ll have to work this out a bit.
He’s just not that into you? I love it. I will also say that I have bent the truth myself to avoid hurt feelings, saying things like “I went back to my ex-boyfriend”, or something like that if I knew I could get away with it and the person would never find out. I was actually advised to do this by a MAN when I asked whether to be truthful or not.
I once had a date tell me that, although I had all the characteristics he wanted he just did not feel a “spark”. Neither did I, but I stupidly would have gone out a few more times just to be sure. In any event, neither of us had invested more than a few phone calls and one lunch date so nobody was hurt. I have also had difficulty getting OUT of relationships that I allowed to drag on because there was nobody else around at the time (sorry, but we women are often just as bad as men
. My partners had difficulty letting go because they believed there was more there than there actually was due to my behavior. Why on earth would I have stuck around for many months to a year if I was not really interested? I can now understand their confusion.
I have been watching a dear friend repeat the same behavior over and over again with men where they appear to be interested but don’t want to be as serious as her. I have had to hold her hand and dry her tears through every break up. I keep telling her that we cannot be expected to connect with everyone we meet, that adults do not “fall in love” 2-3 times a year as she claims to do, and that she needs to move on with less tears and more determination. Sadly I am gearing up for this next break-up.
BTW not one of the stories mentioned above involves widows and widowers at all.
You are so spot on with this one!
@SJH — I think we all try to let people down gently to some extent. While I don’t see anything wrong with that per se, when women hear that the widower isn’t done grieving, they usually understand that to mean that at some point he’s going to be ready to resume things at a future date. At least with widow(er) relationships, a more straighforward answer would be in order.
Anyway, glad you enjoyed it and agree that it’s also a problem with non-widowed relationships too. Maybe more bluntness would save a lot of broken hearts????
Thanks for the post, Abel. Wish I had read it some time ago. Good comments and advice from all.
The six-week drop-off… What a great “Sex and the City” topic, Abel!
While guys may have a greater porpensity for bullshit rejections and stringalong excuses, I have also seen women do the same.
And gals may also be more likely to wear blinders to a partner who is just not that into her, but again, I’ve seen guys cling desparately to false hope.
Men, women, straight, gay, divorced, widowed, these bad relationship habits are universal, I’m afraid.
It’s amazing sometimes how society can and oft times will accept a widower “dropping” a woman with the him saying he is still grieving. They will look at the woman as if she were taking advantage of this poor soul.
After my husband and I started dating, I found out that although I thought that I was the first date that he had after the death of his former spouse, I was not. The person that he dated lasted about 4-weeks. He just didn’t like her period.
I have been dating a widower for a year and a half and things are going pretty dang good. But I sometimes feel that since I was the first one he dated after his wife passed away that he didn’t get to check out the dating scene. It just crosses my mind every once in a while. He seems to be fine and I love him and his kids. And after all this time I think he is happy with me.
@Shish, I was the first woman my husband dated and we will be married four years at the end of this month. I am only the second woman he’s ever had a serious relationship with over the course of his life. Some people need to “date around” and some don’t. It’s a personality thing, imo, but there is no doubt that society sells us the idea that you can only know for sure if you are with the right person if you have a basis for comparison.
@Karen — Thanks! Maybe I should start my own TV show and call it Sex and the Widower.
@Kat — Society lets widowers get away with way too much IMHO.
@Shish — Remember that your W did get to check out the dating scene years and years ago. I don’t see it an issue so long as things are going dang good,
@Shish, I am the first person my husband EVER dated and the first and only person he dated after being widowed. His LW is the only other woman with whom he has ever had a relationship. As Annie said, some people do need to date around and others do not. We’ve been married 5 months and together nearly three years since reconnecting. He has been clear from Day 1 that it was me he wanted, not just a woman in his life. He had no interest in seeing what was out there. My advice – If you are happy and your W is happy, just enjoy!
I have had experience of the drop off curve with my W in a roundabout way on two different occasions but maybe one of the rare exceptions as we came through it(after MUCH ado!!) and are very much together now. First experience of it was when we first became involved 9 months after his LW died. He was very full on, mainly texting & facebook chatting non stop & then after about 6-7 weeks he abruptly ended it and moved on to someone else.
I stopped communication with him for about 3 months as didn’t want even a friendship with someone who treated me like that. Then we got back in touch after 3 months, were friends for 2 months then started a relationship again. Second experience of abrupt change in attitude came about 6 weeks later when he went into panic mode & said he needed space. I was livid at the time that I’d let myself get involved with him only for him to do this again! I took a big step back from the relationship & I discussed with him ending it as I have just never seen myself being one of these long suffering women Annie mentions & would never want to be either!! Life is too short for that as we all know. I’m not normally very forgiving of ppl in these situations but I knew deep down that he was a genuine guy & not just using me to pass the time or for sex(we hadn’t got to that stage). Anyway we got through that 6 week drop curve episode(after I gave him his ‘space’) by doing lots of talking to each other and not had any problems like that since. I think if it had happened again we wouldn’t be together still. We have had our ups and downs but on the whole things are pretty good between us
I just sent you a message asking for advice and then read all this. It seems like I should just admit that he hit the 3-8 week curve and move on but he was the one who made all the ongoing comments
about his friends loving me, telling his dog he had a new ‘mother,’ saying that he was ‘holding onto me,’ and continually calling me ‘precious.’ I did go away for a week (I was unreachable- long story) and he seemed totally rattled- was totally changed when I returned. Am I just fantasizing that ‘this one is different?’ Heavy Heart
@Betty, have you asked him? It may or may not be a W issue but you will never know unless you ask. I sound like a broken record many times when I post here but it has been my experience that talking is the most important part of building a relationship, with anyone. So many times since reconnecting with my widower I have stressed over something only to find the issue was different from what I imagined and not nearly as awful. Best of luck.
Where was this post and Abel’s dating tips when I googled this topic 2 months ago! Everything I read said people move forward at different paces and there is no set time or “too soon”.
I met a recently widowed (5 weeks) man who’d lost his wife after a long illness. He was looking to move forward, make new friends; a warm, fun, family-oriented, sweet, generous man. The time frame didn’t seem important for a friendship, and I get how you get dropped from the couple scene and don’t hear from friends, so new friends? OK.
It quickly turned romantic. We clicked unbelievably on every level; it was astounding. He did not tell his (18, 23) sons he met me; it was so new and the youngest in particular is struggling with depression and anxiety. He wanted to wait a few months to tell them; I was thinking much longer.
Things were great, we agreed this was very special and unique, that he had to be very considerate and mindful of his family’s feelings, but this was great and we’d move forward one day at a time. The day after their sedding anniversary, he said he couldn’t meet me, having a personal hurdle day, disappeared. I finally talked to him the next week, he said he had told his sons about us, they reacted badly, he couldn’tbe in a relationship with me at this time, he didn’t know about later. He cared about me, too much he said, and admitted it made him feel disloyal to his LW. About waiting for him, he said, what if he is never ready?
I emailed him a few days later; said I understood he needed to attend to his sons (horribly, we lied as to what he was doing in order to have time together which at the time was “keeping his private life private”.
I told him ther were things I needed to focus on personally, cared about him, and was not interested in dating someone else, and intended to be available. I also said if I decided later it was not in my best interest, I would move on.
Bottom line, I’d be there when he was ready. The only thing that would change that stance is if he told me now he did not care about me.
His response was that I had been so kind to him, he could not be in a relationship at this time, needed to focus on family.
I reiterated in another email the part about if he didn’t care about me, he needed to speak up now, if he didn’t, I would be waiting. His response was that at this time due to his situation we needed to go our sepearate ways. (Don’t email back please…we had discussed that we probably couln’t have casual platonic contact, but was this a promise to his kids not to talk to me? Did they get into the email and that is why he told them about us? Or is he just closing the door?)
I am trying to interpret these three, “at this time” comments. Do they leave the door open for later, or is done, done.
He is for sure a one-woman guy. He is a coupler. He married young, had a great marriage, he encourages his sons’ relationships, they are a family of couplers. I don’t think he needs to date a lot of people to find a new one. Up until the day he retreated, we could not get enough time together.
Is this a case where it was WAY too soon and it is not an excuse? Especially where his kids are concerned? Does whatever impression the boys have doom any future. Am I that dense? Honestly, I don’t see him as being bored with us. Sorry for the length.
@ Annie. I knew my ex-husband for 6 years before we married. I am embarrassed to say that he kept me so much at arm’s distance – we didn’t have sex until engaged – there were times I wsn’t sure if we were dating or hanging out.
But, I clearly saw signs of interest, and although I dated other people along the way, I thought some day he would realize his feelings, etc.
Well he did declare his love, proposed,etc. However he was never really available. Not then, not through 20+ years of marriage. We never really developed intimacy, sex life,and he spent the vast majority of our marriage out of town.
Yes, given my prior post seems just the opposite; quickly developing a relationship with a guy where all of the elements are there. But are these just flip sides of the same coin – both unavailable? I would never wait around a gain for a guy who isn’t showing enough interest. yet, here I am wondering about waiting for a guy who was uber interested, and I think has legitimate grief/time issues.
I cannot make progress with my new therapist quick enough- Forest for the trees, but where are the trees.
@Carolanne, back in my pre-husbands days, I dated guys who were masters at the stringing alone bit and it worked b/c I was someone who read tea leaves where relationships were concerned. Always looking between the lines instead of focusing on the actions and the reality – they (the men) were saying things that didn’t match up with what they were doing. As a result, I wasted a lot of time waiting around for men who all ended up marrying other women.
Sure, some women can wait a guy out and end up happy. My sister dated my BIL for 15 years before he proposed. They were married in 2000 and have a son today – quite happy. But they are that elusive exception and not the rule most the rest of us live by. (and they were teens when they met – you can waste a decade when you are 17 more easily than you can when you are 37 or 47, imo).
It sounds has though your gentlemen was brought up short by his sons disapproval and his “not at this time” is a way to maybe leave a door open but is more likely about not hurting your feelings. Men confuse vagueness with kindness. If it were me, I would move on, but only you can say for sure what is best for you. Good luck.
Annie, I’m going to guess that your sis and BIL had a good relationship along the way. You know how women think after you get married things will change and your guy will stop, cheating, drinking, gambling, whatever? I didn’t have any of that; I just thought we’d do more than sit on the couch, work like dogs on the house, and I thought we would have sex regularly. Ha!
As far as my widowed friend, who knows, and I can see what yo are saying about the vagueness/kindness thing.
The horrible thing is that we were sneaking aroun dbehind his son’s back to see each other, like errant teenagers. I don’t know if they will get over that, and I don’t know how much or what they know. It was not wrong for us to see each other, but neither liked the dishonsty to the boys. They’ll be OK with their dad, but I may be the sacrifiical lamb. Where does my brain go when I am not using it?
My sis actually had to change her idea of what constituted a committed relationship b/c he was fine being exclusive but not interested in marriage. She even took a break from him for nearly a year and they both dated others. And in the end, she agreed to his terms and they bought a place together (that was her condition) and settled down (and this was in spite of the fact that she had a marriage offer from someone else). Ironically, it took my LH proposal to me after just 5 months together to jumpstart BIL and they were married a year after LH and I.
I know that older children and teens take exception to not being told when a parent dates but there is nothing wrong with keeping it from them until you are sure of a relationships status. He probably should have clued them that he would be dating and that he’d let them know when/if things got serious. And you might be the sacrifice and you might not. It depends on the stance he takes with them. Despite their rather territorial feelings, our children have no say or right to pry into what is essentially the adult – none of their business – side of our lives. but that’s jmo.