Widower Wednesday: Starting a New Life
March 2nd, 2011 | 28 comments
After reading the post about Marathon Girl and me celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary, I got an email from a reader expressing frustration with the widower she’s dating. She asked how Marathon Girl and I were able to overcome the widower issue and make things work.
That’s a good question and one I didn’t have an answer to off the top of my head. After mulling it over the last couple days, I think the biggest reason it worked out was because we both wanted it to work out. Once we both realized that we wanted spend the rest of our lives together, we did everything we could to make it work.
I moved on because I wanted to start a new life with Marathon Girl. I wanted to open my heart to her. I wanted to marry her, have a family with her, and spend the rest of my life with her. Because I wanted to do this, it wasn’t hard to assign the late wife a small, special place in my heart give the rest of it to Marathon Girl, and then go out and actually start a new chapter in my life.
Marathon Girl wanted to marry me but wasn’t going to settle for being number two or feeling like there were three people in our marriage. Once she saw that I was moving on (and not just talking it up), it was easier to accept my past and the fact that a small part of my heart would be always reserved for the late wife.
It also meant we both had to be willing make some sacrifices. For me it meant selling my house and moving to a place where we could start over. It meant that I wouldn’t spend as much time with friends and family of the late wife as I did in my old life. For Marathon Girl it meant a longer commute to work and postponing graduate school for awhile. We were willing to do all that and more because we valued our relationship (and future marriage) over everything else.
Looking back, I don’t have any regrets about putting Marathon Girl first. (I assume she’d say the same thing.) By making her number one, we’ve been able to overcome the ups and downs that come with any relationship and will continue to do so as long we make each other a priority over everything else.
There are a lot of things that make our marriage work. But when it comes to the widower issue, it took both of us moving forward, making sacrifices, and starting a new life together. You both have to want to do these three things and then go out and do it (as opposed to just talking about it). If only one person in a relationship is willing to do those three things, then odds are it’s not going to work out.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Wow! Powerful stuff, yet that’s the way it goes. Without going through a long story, my BF and I had much a similar journey, although he was a bit slower than you, Abel. And that wasn’t a widower issue, it was more of a “guy who has a tough time committing” issue. Which was interesting because I did find myself attributing things to his being a widower and when I finally cracked (which I moments I still do – while I’m a very secure/independant woman I still carry some of my own baggage to the relationship) and talked to him, he would usually give me a perspective I hadn’t considered which had nothing to do with his being a widower.
Funny what we can drum up in our heads – he answers all questions and when he feels like he can’t (and that’s been a LONG while) he will tell me he will answer after he has had time to consider the question, whatever it may be.
Honesty – whether it’s what we want to hear or not – is the best policy. No one should cut a bunch of slack that someone has had major trauma in their world – I didn’t lose a spouse to a passing, but did to a divorce and that has it’s own drama attached – but we do need to cut enough slack to listen to each other answer openly and honestly.
The rest just falls into place…when both parties want it to.
Yep, two people wanting it to work out and doing whatever it takes to make it happen.
And it’s that simple, which, naturally, means it’s that hard. When I was teaching middle school, I used to marvel that I could teach my students the most complex grammar with ease while the easiest concepts eluded them. Just like real life.
We think that everything has to be complex when one partner is widowed, but it’s not. If you want to move on, you will.
For my husband and I, widowhood was never an issue or an obstacle – just a fact of our lives. What was more important was our love and our certainty that moving whatever mountain (or molehill) was necessary to be together and marry was more than worth it.
I totally agree with KS that everything falls into place when both people want it to.
Interesting post. I have been a widow almost 2 years now and I’m wondering how you think your relationship with Marathon Girl would have been affected if you had surviving children from your first marriage. I have sons and I in my mind, they will always be number one now, at least until they are adults. Their Dad, my beloved husband, died and I cannot imagine ever putting another man above them in importance in my life. And I’m not sure how that would fit into a potential new relationship. Any thoughts on that?
@Deb I believe this same topic has come up before in a previous post, but I’m not sure where or when (these threads tend to get pretty long! lol). I don’t think a new man in your life can be put over your children, and I don’t think that’s the idea in this blog main point. The point, in my opinion, is to find love again and grow with that new love. Combine your life–as is–with the opportunity to love a new person. Doesn’t change the love for your children or the love you still have for your late husband. That will always be strong, but, as humans, are constantly growing and changing. It’s a beautiful thing. A new boyfriend, date, husband or fling doesn’t take away your love of what got you where you are today. It can only help you grow. Where it goes from there…who knows?! Hope my take on this helps you some.
@Deb @Tami, the subject of children vs. spouse as first priority was discussed a little bit at the end of last Wednesday’s topic, if anyone’s interested in seeing it. I can understand Deb’s feelings about her kids… I think it’s difficult to put a new spouse first, when you already have children… as a mother, it doesn’t feel natural right away, or at least it didn’t to me.
I would, however, recommend exploring this subject in more detail, b/c from what I’ve learned, most research supports the critical need for making your spouse first, regardless of whether children preceded him/her or not. And that it can be especially critical in a remarriage/stepparenting situation, where divorce rates are even higher than the norm.
I have a daughter, and I married a former widower with three children. My expectation has always been the same as if we were married first in chronology. By that I mean, I would expect that in my husband’s first marriage, his wife was first priority, the children second (but of course, as a couple, the children usually come first in deed regardless). I expect the same level of commitment and priority in this marriage. Not saying it’s easy – - it isn’t! – - my default tends toward my mom role first, and then I have to consciously redirect! to my husband BUT, I do firmly believe the marital union is the foremost priority (second to God, if you believe that way), and the children next.
I think the rub is, it gives people the impression that somehow that will take something away from the children, when that isn’t the case. Making my spouse first priority doesn’t mean I would neglect my child or his children, or that we don’t (most of the time) both put the needs and wants of our children ahead of our own as far as time, money, attention, etc. We do. BUT there is no question in our home that we have each others’ backs, so there are no attempts to “divide and conquer.”
And if someone tries to be disrespetcful, it’s clear that my husband will not allow his children to disrespect his wife or come between us or our marriage. And vice versa with my daughter (although not as releveant since she is older and lives on her own.)
I think it’s hard to articulate in a blog, b/c it comes across sounding kind of insensitive, as though you’re choosing a man over your kids, etc. But that really isn’t the case… b/c I would never have married someone who didn’t have my/our kids’ best interests at heart. So putting each other first in the marriage doesn’t create a conflict of interest. It gives the kids a firm foundation… something sorely needed in the aftermath of losing a parent to divorce (mine) and death (his).
And of course, in a widower/remarriage situation, I can’t think of any other way for a second marriage to survive other than approaching it the way Abel described above. Widowed or not, we all have a special place in our hearts for people we’ve loved in the past. But, if that special place prevents someone from making their new spouse completely and fully #1 in their hearts now, going forward, it will cause a LOT of problems in the new marriage. (I speak from experience)
Wednesday Martin has some great articles about the child/remarriage/stepparenting stuff on her blog, if anyone is truly interested. Hope some of this helps, and hope I explained it in a way that didn’t rub anyone wrong, b/c that wasn’t the intent, I promise!
OMG I didn’t realize how long that was, yeesh, sorry!
In last week’s thread, a commenter (@Elizabeth? Not sure) mentioned that her marriage has always been “couple unit first, then children.” While itty-bitties will suck all the oxygen out of any relationship when they first arrive, they *do* eventually grow up — provided we, as their parents, give them the tools to do.
I echo that sentiment that the primary, preserve-at-all-costs relationship in a family should be the one between the adult partners. Any children, biological, step or otherwise, only benefit from this model. Children come into the world hardwired for self-preservation, whereas the adults have often have already learned to put their own needs second behind more pressing concerns.
When your partner dies and you are left to raise your children as a lone parent, it’s very easy to transfer that “primary” relationship status to them. And it’s not a bad thing. The only time that I seriously considering slapping my daughter was when she made the comment, “we’re not a family anymore” soon after my husband died. I didn’t, and I understood what she was saying: we’re not like all the other “families” she saw at school and church and in stories.
When you meet and fall in love with another person, your children will resist losing their place of prominence in your life. That’s why even when you’re single and can’t imagine yourself with another partner, you should carve out some time just for yourself. You should try to avoid the trap of letting your children assuming the “adult” responsibilities in your household. The study I mentioned last week said that children who lose parents when they are young are very often over-achievers who subconsciously work to fill the void left by the missing parent. It’s not fair to let them assume those burdens, no matter how much comfort it provides those of us left behind.
March 7 will be three years since my husband died. I loved him with every ounce of my being, often to my own detriment. I adore our children, and I can’t imagine my life without them. But life moves in one direction, and I’m blessed to have a good man — a man who wants to be a part of my future and my family — in my life now. We’re taking things slowly, as children inevitably complicate matters. I don’t love my late husband any less because I have a great boyfriend who I love now. But my late husband is part of who I was as Mrs. Margulies. I’ve changed since he died. So have our children. My boyfriend loves who I am now. The right partner will love and respect all the “yous” you’ve ever been and will become.
Sorry ladies, but I think those that have posted the spouse is first (wife or husband) have got it wrong. I think no matter how the children came into the marriage, THEY have to be put first, and that place or priority has to be agreed-upon jointly by the married couple. I married my LW when she was already a mother of a 9 y.o. girl who is now my oldest child of six. LW and I loved one another deeply, but from the git-go, everything we did was to be sure that her daughter (and later my adopted daughter) was secure. We made some mistakes…some that only came to light after LW’s death since daughter #1 and I have had some wonderful conversations. But I never felt that my role as husband and lover was ever threatened by the kids, biological or otherwise, being put first. That’s what I signed up for. Making the children number one does not mean you have to put up with bad or manipulative behavior. Hopefully family talk, family therapy and/or prayer would remedy such. And I’m not saying that divisive behavior from, for example, a mouthy teen, is to be tolerated if the attempt is to pit one parent against the other. But IMO you have to go into a marriage (virginal and brand new or coupling after death or divorce) with the attitude that the kids, if they are already there are yet to come, will be first. By doing that, then the entire family dynamic, including the relationship between wife and husband, becomes ‘number one’. This opinion assumes that children are still living in the household shared by W and WOW. A later, sunset sort of marriage that I am hoping P.G. and I enter into will be a bit different as we will be focussed more on ourselves than the grown kids and grandkids. But even then, I know my place and so does P.G. when it comes to priorities and the children. For example, I would really have liked to have had romance time on Valentine’s Day, but it was spent at a hospital waiting for the successful arrival of her grandchildren #2. That’s just the way it is. Bottom line, the kids are still first. If the ‘new’ man is signing up for a lady’s wagon train with kids already in tow, he ought to know, or at least learn quickly, his place is to support and become a part of that unit. If there is ever a doubt in his mind that you love him, make it clear by word and deed how you feel about him, then, when the kids are not around. That’s what LW did and what P.G. does.
FYI, sorry for the unexplained abbreviation above. P.G. is my Perfect Gal, the woman in my life for the past 2 1/2 years, post LW. We met on eHarmony. And to add one more thought to my position on the kids, when first reading P.G.’s profile on eHarmony I see these words. “I wish I could do more for my children.” She has three, and only one still at home, a college student. But I knew from that simple statement that my place with this woman, if there was to be one, was that her role as mother would be secondary to whatever we developed and that if we were to become married or long-time S.O.s to one another, that a key to our love for one another would be to jointly put our love for our shared children first. And it has worked.
correction for above:
“She has three, and only one still at home, a college student. But I knew from that simple statement that my place with this woman, if there was to be one, was that her role as mother would be PRIMARY to whatever we developed ……..” I forget that edits/corrections are not possible after posting here. Will be more diligent in the future.
@Ted… can I just say how much I love your acronym P.G.? So sweet!
I think honestly we’re all saying similar things, b/c I think the whole “couple unit first” is more a semantics thing than a tangible thing, it just doesn’t “sound” that wya. I say that b/c, for example, the situation you mentioned about Valentine’s Day… we would never give a thought to doing anything other than being at the hospital either!
If you look at our time, money and attention, it’s 90% or more kid focused. (Primarily his kids, b/c as I said, my daughter is grown, so I often have to squeeze in time when it fits her schedule!) I’m not sure how best to articulate within a blog, but, I don’t think anyone’s emphasis on “couple as first priority” would mean not putting forth 100% parenting effort. Interestingly, I seem to be more worried about doing more for my husband’s kids than HE is – - he gets annoyed by my “over doing it” for them sometimes.
@Beth, you are SO right. And while it’s natural (I think) to tend to put kids into that role after a loss (i raised my daughter alone and had similar struggles)… it can be very confusing and problematic for the child. When my husband and I married, his oldest daughter had essentially been in charge of the house and the younger kids … and to an extent, my husband….for several years since his LW passed. To say that it greatly exacerbated her hostility toward his remarriage woudl be an understatement. She had been given a semi-adult role (and the accompanying authority and power) and then it was taken away again when the role was no longer empty. Fortunately, I understood what was going on and was able to talk to her directly and honestly about it, and we worked through a lot of the issues and feelings, but, it made the transition SO much more difficult for her than for the other kids (and for me!).
Just my two cents! Thanks to everyone for sharing!
Elizabeth, thanks for your wise words. I guess we are all saying the same thing, but in different ways. In a near-perfect world, there would be no question. The husband/wife come together as number one for one another, but within that ‘number one-ness’ there is an understanding that giving to that partner means giving (sometimes jointly, sometimes unilaterally) to the child or children that are in the marriage (whether by birth or step-parenting). My giving to P.G’s needs as a mother is in itself, a natural expression of love to her and for her. And she recognizes it. I think what a woman needs is more emotional than what a typical man needs. She needs to know that whatever that man does, whether at some times it means the kids are top, that in the totality of the family or blended family, SHE is number one. And what he is doing is for that greater good that means she is number one. Men, on the other hand? Oh well, we guys can freely give up our time and our resources for the kids (no matter where they come from) as long as we get that special time ‘behind closed doors’ when the woman totally focuses on him and the couple’s love and relationship. That’s just men. We compartmentalize. For example, after a fine bit of ‘us’ time on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, the guy (a good one) is ready to get back into changing diapers and chasing down an errant teen who took the car without permission. Women need more frequent, constant message and exhibits of love and support in my opinion. Men need a focussed ‘checkpoint’ whether through intimacy or specific conversation on one or two topics within the relationship. Then they’re good to go till the next checkpoint, as long as there is consistency in the message or the activity from one point to the next.
The moniker ‘Perfect Gal’ came from a discussion online elsewhere. Abel has MG. I thought what could I call my wonderful lady-love. She is perfect. The computers at eHarmony matched her up ‘perfectly’ with me (unbelievably so as we have so much in common, and what we don’t have in common, we handle with humor). So I came up with Perfect Gal.
@Everyone — Back when we were first married/dating MG and I would have the occasional discussion on what would have happened if Hope had survived. I still think we would have gotten married and Hope would having grown up knowing MG has her mom (not birth mom but mother). If she had been older (say 10) I still believe MG and I would have gotten married although probably not as fast. Tami hit the nail on the head when she said that the point of the article was to show that you have to grow and change when a new love comes into your life. In order for any relationship to work, the two parties have to want it to work, both have to make sacrifices, and then go out and try their best to make it work.
And the spouse (existing or new) needs to come first over the kids. I personally don’t see how a marriage can survive if the parents put the kids first. You have to care enough about your spouse to keep his or her emotional/physically/sexually fulfilled and happy. If a spouse is unhappy in a marriage it inevitably affects the kids and their happiness. Seeing that Mom and Dad are happy goes a long way to helping the kids feel secure and they have a loving home that can provide refuge when life gets hard for them.
This doesn’t mean you neglect the kids or aren’t attentive to their emotional and physical wants and needs. There’s a balancing act that goes on. But if you’re putting the kids first, I think the other spouse would become resentful and would eventually wreck the marriage.
@Deb, my husband’s position in order of importance in my life is no different than the importance my late husband had in relationship to children.
As someone mentioned, the whole child vs spouse coming first seems to be muddled by semantics. Children have needs and those will naturally hold precedence. The problems arise when children’s wants are confused with their needs or when they have been promoted prematurely to semi-adult status in our lives when we are single parents and kids will not willingly go back to being “just kids” again or give up any attention without a struggle.
Someone suggested remembering to carve out adult time for yourself and I would add to that remembering to cultivate other adult relationships for support so that one is not leaning on chidlren and to resist delegating adult roles to them (ie: calling the oldest son “the man of the family for insistence). Kids will try to fill in holes in our lives but it’s not their job to do this and isn’t really in their best interests.
For me, the important thing with our daughter, who was just four when we married, was that she understand that she was the child and we were the parents. I also wanted my husband to assume the father role, which he did and they have an excellent relationship. I know that some are not comfortable b/c it feels like a betrayal of the late parent, but I never saw it that way. I felt that she would be better off long term with an actual father than being asked to remain loyal to the idea that her late father was her only dad and that my husband was just my husband. That’s too much compartmentalizing and serves no one in the long term. jmo.
@Ted, that’s a really sweet story, and a great example of exactly what we are always discussing on this blog, as far as remarrying and making the current spouse the center of your world now. Congrats and best wishes for a long and strong relationship / marriage!
@Abel, I think you’re spot on about the spouse being first. I think it’s what that looks like in application that might sound misleading to folks. AND, I think there are some scenarios where that is more an issue than others.
I hear many of my male friends say their wives, after having children, stopped caring much for their needs and became uber-focused on the children only. (Being a mother myself, I understand it!!) But, it was really eye opening to me to hear it frmo the other perspective, and realize just how damaging it can be to the marriage – - which is the foundation of the family and the children’s security.
The other situation I think it plays out in more than most is in remarriages and step-parenting. It’s very easy for a biological parent to fall into the habit of always deferring to his/her children’s demands and preferences over the new spouse, b/c the children have been there longer, and b/c usually the parent is already feeling guilty for whatever difficulties led to the first marriage ending that left the children hurting. Again, I understand that!
What that does, however, is puts the second spouse (stepparent) into a terribly difficult position of always being last, being the outsider, being powerless to influence what goes on in his or her own life and home, even as it relates directly to him/her. It also gives the children a tremendous amount of (unwarranted) power to influence adults, and leads to a great deal of resentment between spouses . If you’re not careful, it can also lead to resentment between children and stepparent.
It’s already horribly difficult to come into an already-formed family, esp where a parent has passed away, but even more so if your spouse treats you as though your thoughts don’t matter, or matter last. (Are you getting the idea that I’m speaking from experience here? Lol)
Hence you’ll hear me talk a lot about boundaries and expectations, b/c it took me really stepping up in those areas to change that dynamic in my marriage and new family. I was TERRIFIED that if I stood up to this dynamic, that my husband would feel differently about me, or his children would never love me, etc. etc. But you know what? Neither happened. Instead, ALL of the relationships improved drastically. Everyone – even the kids – are happier with folks in the appropriate roles in the home, even if one of them (me) didn’t start out there. So I can testify from experience, this stuff works! (I’m not without the scars to prove it!)
@Annie… I just saw your post, LOL, get out of my head… that’s exactly what I just posted, and was exactly the dynamic in our situation when I married my husband… his oldest had become a surrogate spouse (not in a creepy way) but in a peer way. Way too much power, and she did not relinquish it easily, let me say. From the small issues to the big.. up to and including butting into our personal romantic (behind closed doors) lives. It was very difficult to reset the roles to adults / kids.
Also, re: your thoughts about your daughter looking at your husband as a father now… I think that’s wonderful for you, your husband and your daughter! I wish, wish, wish others could see the value in that way of thinking. Granted my stepchildren were older when I came into their lives (9, 9 and 13), but, it’s been drilled so firmly into their heads that their ONLY mother is deceased, and that things (including family) will never be the same again. I find this terribly sad for them, and terribly daunting for me.
I was adopted as a pre-teen by a family member, so I know first hand how untrue that thinking is. While you only have one birth mother (or birth father), other people CAN take on that role if the birth parent isn’t able to. How much better for the child AND the stepparent? I’m thankful everyday that my aunt and uncle raised me and made me part of their family, in every sense of the word, and gave me three siblings that have stood by me all my life as well. I know my birth mother, and have a relationship with her. I also know my “mom” – the woman (my aunt) who took care of me when I was sick, who cheered me on during competitions, who chapped my a__ over grades, and who grounded me when I forgot my chores.
The two mothers and their place in my heart and life do not have to be at odds with one another, but so few people are comfortable with that .
As a mother, if God forbid anything were to happen to me, I would hope and pray that someone would come along and step into that mother role for my daughter… and I hope and pray she would be open to it, and know that it presented no conflict of loyalties re: me.
Sorry for being so overly wordy today! lol But so much of this hits so close to home…I only hope that what we’re all sharing can help some other folks to avoid some of the bangs and bruises I’ve gotten along this path.
@Elizabeth, I think that when allowed, children will form loving and beneficial relationships with a step-parent and when that doesn’t happen it is the fault of adult’s who have issues with the idea and instill that into the children.
I was adopted at birth. My siblings are all adopted. Until I gave birth to my daughter, I didn’t have a single biological family tie as I don’t know my birth parents at all. For this reason, I am not particularly sold on the idea that biology trumps or that kids should be denied the opportunity to form bonds with the adults who act in the parent role.
There was no good reason to anchor my daughter to the idea that W was her true dad and that R was just my husband. Nothing good could come of that and everything awesome – for her b/c it wasn’t about me at all – was potentially lost.
She is not confused about her dads and their significance in her life. But sadly, she is aware of the prejudice prefers that people only know R as her father.
“People just don’t get it,” she says.
My step-daughters were in their early 20′s. I was “dad’s wife” for a bit and then just “Annie”. After four years, we are settling into a very warm loving relationship however that I let them come to at their own pace. I can’t help but act like a mom and they have always graciously allowed me to follow my instincts too. It works for us. But R never leaned on them or expected them to be equals in shouldering care-giving or supporting him emotionally after their mother died. He was always the dad.
Kids are remarkable in their capacity to love and adapt if we allow them to be and leave our own insecurities out of it.
It gets back to boundaries, being clear about roles.
@Annie… that’s it… it’s settled, I’m sending them ALL to Camp Annie!
(Then i’m going to a spa for the week haha)
I agree, and I only hope that one day, LW’s family will come to see things this way too, and allow my stepchildren to see it. Until then, I’m doing as you said… letting them set the pace, and just being accepting of it.
I am supposing that our own experiences with adoption and forming positive bonds with non-biological parents naturally leaves us more open to those types of situations and relationships. I just think it’s a huge disservice to all of the non-biological parents out there who are raising and loving children. Like I told my sister in law once.. who was commentingon her “step” grandmother, who raised my father in law since he was 9, his siblings too, and has been a mother and grandmother to that family as long as they can remember. IMO, there’s no “step” to be had there. My response was: You don’t have to birth someone to mother them. And you don’t have to share blood to be family.
Limiting our ability to love and connect based on blood ties only is limiting and can be self defeating. My stepdaughters are essentially motherless as a result… while I do what I can, they definitely have mixed feelings and conflicting loyalties about allowing me to meet their needs in “that” way.
Will send my camp registration forms in shortly.
Have a great day!
I’m finding this whole thread fascinating. My BF and I both have one child each – mine is now a young adult nearly ready for college and his is a young child nearly ready for kindergarten. I was also a former step parent in my former marriage.
Here’s how it went….
My ex never said anything overt about the kids coming first, but inevitably they did. Not just first in the traditional sense (money, time, etc) but in EVERY sense. Everything he did always put me on the back burner; if I intervened or tried to offer an opinion or insight, I was shut down, and it was always done in front of his children (and after my child was born, in front of her, too). They learned through him it was “OK” to ignore me because he did it. This behavior was solely on the ex’s part – not the kids. They will act on whatever they learn by whatever standards they are given – this was the ex’s issue and represented to me the ultimate in disrespect. They had no trouble playing divide and conquer accordingly.
My current relationship is different. When we started our relationship, there was a great deal of chat about our children, and about them “coming first”. The difference was what we defined as “first”. Never once has my current BF EVER tried to contradict me with either of our kids present. Never once has he OK’d something after I’ve said ‘no’ because he has my back and we are a unified team. We will check with each other if we have to to ensure there is no divide and conquer. Even though our kids are so very differently aged, they both already know the team is unified and the decision is made. If one of us happens to disagree with how the other has handled something, we jump behind each other, support each other, and discuss it later (alone out of kid earshot) if it could have been handled differently. This is the ultimate in respect for the partnership and for each other. Respect and trust is how we love.
Consequently, while the kids still “come first” (money, time, etc) we take the time to make each other “first” and engage each other when we have snippets of moments; we take time to listen to each other about our respective days (lessens stress in the house); we take over handling each other’s kid when we are clearly at wits’ end (your own kid can send you over the edge if they feel like it!) In a way, we put each other first because that’s how a partnership works and that, in turn, helps us put our kids first because they get a consistent, unified and loving front for everything they do and ask for.
I love my life now – and wouldn’t change it for anything!
@KS wow, how did you keep from smothering your ex with a pillow?! (Just kidding!) Your stories are the perfect example of what I think the posts above are trying to illustrate… between making your spouse first priority vs. giving children the power and authority that only adults have. As parents, we’re still gonna be doing mostly everything with and for our kids! But the adults are in charge, and are a unified team. Kids don’t dictate the terms of the household, the adults do, with children’s input as appropriate. Thanks for sharing, great illustration!
(I too find it fascinating, prob b/c it hits so close to home for me… so I’m being wayyyy too talky about it all!)
OK…just to show you that I CAN put my Perfect Gal first—a lighter note. An email dropped into my box 30 min. ago announcing a pre-sale of Josh Groban concert tickets in May in St. Louis. Don’t know HOW I got on this list. Must be that two years ago I super surprised P.G. with tickets to Il Divo in St. Louis. Groban is similar music. I got online immediately with the pre-sale code and got two great tickets. Texted P.G. and got a big YIPPPEE. So no matter what the kids are doing Mem. Day weekend, the parents will be romancing in St. Louis with super lovey dovey music from Groban. I LOVE to surprise that lady. She is SO appreciative of big and little things. Makes any effort on my part worthwhile. One thing that will be interesting, though, is how P.G. and I may react, either together or independently to Groban’s “A Breath Away”, if he sings it. That’s definitely a widower’s song. But “You’re Still You” ? That’s P.G.’s song….though I didn’t know her in her youth, I can see that personality coming through in spite of, perhaps because of, her trials and tribulations of young or old. OK, waxing pop-poetic is done with. Thank you.
@ Elizabeth – my ex was a very mentally/emotionally abusive individual, and I was very young when I met him and much younger than him on top of it.
When I decided I could forge through into another relationship, I did a LOT of soul searching. What I wanted, what I didn’t want, and how I could personally change to ensure health in any relationship that followed.
My BF was my best friend from college who I cared for deeply and wished most of my life our relationship could have been different. It was weird – when my personal lights finally went “on” and I realized that I had to change – he contacted me (after a 7 year hiatus) that his life had changed. I can document the dates/times – everything. My lightbulb moment about what I needed from a partner came exactly 3 days after his wife passed away somewhat unexpectedly. He contacted me 4 weeks after that. Strange how this life goes.
I can honestly say that I was NOT looking for someone with young kids and post-divorce avoided dating anyone who had them. This is the only circumstance I can picture myself taking on a little one again – especially after what I went through in my former marriage with my former step kids. And I love BF’s little one like he is my own (I also loved my former stepkids like my own, but the ex completely poisoned the relationship wit the kids post-split – that hurt more than you can imagine; he did a lot of damage to my own relationship with my daughter as well; it’s taken several years to semi repair it – my current relationship with BF helps in that dept a lot). I can’t and refuse to try to imagine my life without my BF and his son in it.
Funny enough, once my BF’s little one hits 18, I’ll have been raising kids for nearly 38 years.
My mom says I’m a professional mother – raising everyone else’s kids.
Back to topic. Abel’s Title at the top of this page. Starting a new life. Starting a new life for someone like me, 60 y.o., involved with a lovely 50 something woman who has clearly stated she wants to spend the rest of her days with me—–that’s a different situation than even a couple just ten years our junior (or younger of course) getting together and truly blending households. It is true we will ‘put the kids first’ but that context is a lot different for us because frankly we won’t have any kids to deal with at least on a live-in basis once we tie the knot. OK, there may be one or two that come back to the nest temporarily, but that’s not likely We have a rather independent group of kids. So putting the kids first for a younger couple may well be described in the various posts above. It means, in my understanding, you put the kids first by putting the marriage first. There are some blessing to older age. This is one. In two years, the youngest in the mix, my son, will be finished with high school. Then the door will be open for P.G. and I to ‘blend’ families….when, for all practical purposes, the only two to be blended will be we two old folks.
KS…My LW was pregnant, nursing or both for nearly 18 consecutive years. I can sort of relate to your mother role through that experience with her. Besides staying around abel’s blog for some great W/WOW information, you might also want to checkout lostlovers.com re: reunions with old flames. Very interesting stuff and fortunate that both of you were available when you met again.
@Everyone – thanks for another enjoyable read this evening. Even though I am a newbie, I have read many of Abel’s former blogs and I am seeing many of the same names. It is starting to feel very familiar – almost family like. I look forward to Wednesday’s because there is a new topic to consider and interesting insight from the rest of you.
@KS … what a neat story! I’m sorry to hear the difficulties you went through early on, but so glad to hear that they, in part, led you to where you are now, which sounds like very happy! Funny isn’t it, how some of most painful things really do turn out to be learning, growing experiences and wind up making us happier. Who knew? (I guess our parents, who always told us that, but we never believe them! ha!)
@Ted… you totally get husband brownie points!! Very sweet!! You are right, these discussions can take on very different meanings depending where you’re at in life and in child-rearing. I’m looking forward to the “golden years” lol when we can be friends to our kids instead of always being the parents!
Have a great weekend everyone!
@Elizabeth – it is a good story. Funny, spent a lot of time on the ‘net looking for similar tails and found none. Bottom line – our tribulations always make us not only stronger but make us who we become! Good stuff.
I am still very newly widowed, so my experience in “moving on” is minimal. People were created with a social nature. While this forum is typically not oriented towards faith discussions, I am. I do not believe that God is calling me to be alone for the rest of my life. He will place someone in my life with whom I can find joy more abundant than I can imagine.
Moving on is gonna be a challenge, but forging my future out of my past is something I look forward to. I agree with Abel that it will require that I place my next spouse above all others in my life. I am prepared to do that.
Many people believe that moving on is not honoring to one’s late wife. ( A friend of mine who has been one of my strongest supporters in this time tells me she still has trouble accepting her father’s new wife for this very reason, even after several years.) I disagree. By desiring to move on, I am letting my family know that my late wife and I had something so special that I can’t imagine my life without it. I choose to honor her by seeking and building the the same kind of happiness for my future. I don’t desire to replace her, but to have happiness and joy in my future. I’m not sure how anyone could think that my loneliness would be honoring to anyone.