Widower Wednesday: Share Your Dating a Widower Story
April 13th, 2011 | 11 comments
As I posted last week, my publishers wants my Dating a Widower book. Last week they sent me a book contract and we’re currently in the negotiation stages.
So why am I bring this up (again)?
My publisher has been following my Widower Wednesday columns very closely. They’ve really enjoyed reading experiences that reader like you have shared in the comment sections of the blog as well as two recent posts about dating a widower with minor children still living at home. In order to move the project forward, they want to include a couple of real world stories from women dating widowers with each chapter in the Dating a Widower book.
I think it’s a great idea. Your knowledge and experience will give the book additional real world advice that will make the book even more helpful to those looking for guidance on dating a widower.
The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower.
Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, we’re especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:
- How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
- How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
- What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
- When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
- How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
- How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
- How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?
To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.
The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.
If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.
Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
This is very cool. My husband though couldn’t believe that a book on dating widowers would be much a seller. “Who would want to read about that?” he asked. But he’s a Virgo.
I wish had something to share but none of your topic needs were ever issues. Everything has been just details really.
The bedroom comparisons came as a surprise to me. Do people really worry about that? My husband’s late wife was a farm girl who was super outdoorsy and my husband is the same. The only insecurities I had were based on my unrepentant tenderfoot ways.
Congrats again on the book. I guess we’ll be seeing you on The View someday then, eh?
@Annie — You could just share a general 500 word summary of how you guys got things to work. A general success story would be just as valuable–especially from someone like you who has a great way with words.
I’m excited to get some of these stories together. I’ll email them to you when I have them ready. BF and I are going to discuss them too so he may have some insight as well….
I’m so happy that your book is going forward!
CONGRATS ABEL!!!!
@Abel, Congratulations, so happy for you!
@Annie, I had to laugh at your husband’s comment, who would want to read that? (B/c I’d have said the same thing before I was in this situation!)
Looking forward to seeing the stories folks submit!!
@Annie I’m kind of with your husband. I’ve been putting off this book a long time but keep coming back to it because of all the emails I get.
@Tami — Looking forward to the stories you’re going to send.
@Abel, you flatter me and I will think about it, but widowhood was never an issue that had to be worked out. Our whole courtship was based on the things that any budding romance is based on and we arrived at marriage largely b/c we determined early that’s where we wanted to be and actively steered the course in that direction from then on. From my pov, most relationships are not proactive ones – they drift from one stage to the next and if they don’t snag to badly at any point, people end up permanently coupled in some fashion but with nothing really ever spelled out, which leads to issues down the road.
If there is one thing I would put forward as advice, it’s what comes up often in the comments – a relationship with a widowed person (male or female) should be no different than with someone who isn’t widowed. The dead spouse thing should never be given any upper hand status. We all come to relationships with pasts. It’s no different. Someone whose grieve is still so active that it’s constantly an issue shouldn’t be dating and you are better off looking elsewhere. Someone who loves you will want to move mountains to be with you, make you feel like your the most important person in the universe and won’t let their lost spouse, grown children or in-laws mess things up. jmo (and in case it hasn’t already occurred to you Abel, how in the world would I be able to sum up anything in just 500 words?)
So funny Annie. I am your male counterpart in the summation area, I guess. (or lack thereof)
@Annie, I think you are a very wise person. I do agree, to a certain extent, about widow/widower status really doesn’t make or break things if the two people have the common interest in dating and seeing where it goes. It can be a good thing to be prepared on what to expect he or she may be going through, but it shouldn’t stop you from being a good partner in that relationship.
a relationship with a widowed person (male or female) should be no different than with someone who isn’t widowed.
Annie, since we both strongly agree on this, write 500 words on it. Seriously. I have a chapter about this and having someone like you (widow remarried to a widower) would be a great addition. If you feel you need 550, I’ll let you go over the word count a bit.
@Abel, okay.
@Tami, not wise, It took me years to overcome the bad training we females get as we grow up – all that people pleasing, distorted idea of what love should be and not putting our needs on the table and walking when we are not met enthusiastically halfway. R and I did nothing special except be honest, open and want to be together enough to do the work necessary. Neither of us were ever in our lives casual daters. Dating’s purpose is coupling exclusively from our pov, so once we knew how we felt and that we are good together (which really doesn’t take that much time), we started planning and executing plans. We talked through every conceivable issue, bared money/health history, talked past, present and future ( in addition to just spending time like couples do and really enjoying that time). Most important, I knew what he wanted in a relationship and he knew what I wanted. If the “mind-reading” thing ever came up, it was corrected quickly with Q&A. If you believe Kubler-Ross, we shouldn’t have worked. Neither of us had been widowed a year when we met. Grief should have reared its ugly head all over us. But it was never an impediment b/c our losses had nothing to do with our new relationship and shouldn’t have. Just a tangent, but I get annoyed when the idea that grief lobotomizes people is pushed as a given. You might feel a bit surreal but you aren’t rendered a drooling fool either. You can’t use the widow card to get out of parenting or with your employer, so why is it okay to use it on someone you are dating? Or involved intimately with? But back to the “wise”, I am a teacher at my core. Always have been. Can’t escape it though I have tried and if I know something because I have studied it or been through it, the teacher in me thinks we should share. It’s good for our karma. But thanks for the compliment just the same.
@Annie, thank you for speaking with so much honesty. I get a lot from your POV, and everyone here (well, most…lol). And I agree with Abel–you need to write a little something.