Widower Wednesday: Selfish Grief
September 28th, 2011 | 18 comments
For those who missed it, Dating a Widower was officially released on Monday. It is available in paperback and major e-book formats. Signed copies are also available.
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After last week’s post, some of the subsequent comments and discussions on the Dating a Widower Facebook group got me thinking about grief and how, if left unchecked, it turns into a selfish monster.
Grief has a purpose. When a spouse (or anyone else we love) dies, there are natural feelings of sadness, anger, bewilderment, despair, misery, depression, and hopelessness. Everyone has a different way of expressing these feelings: some people cry, others are quiet, while others have to keep themselves busy. These feelings are natural and something we need to experience and get out of our system before we can start rebuilding our lives. Though the exact length of grieving time varies from person to person, most people are fine within a year after a major loss.
The dangerous aspect of grief is that is focuses all of our emotions and thoughts inward. Thinking about ourselves after the loss of a spouse isn’t a bad thing—at least not at first. We need time to find our footing again and figure out what direction our lives are going to take without that special someone in it. Often there are big decisions that need to be made that could affect the rest of our lives or our children’s lives and we need time and energy to think though the consequences of these decisions.
Problems arise when, after a time, we’re unable to look past ourselves and our grief. Instead of realizing that there’s a big wonderful world out there full of happiness and opportunity we think only of ourselves. We get so focused on ourselves and our problems we can’t see that there are people out there struggling with their own problems and issues. When this happens, instead of becoming a tool for us to move on, our grief morphs into selfishness. As a result we’re unable to move on and start anew. I see this time and time again in the emails from women dating widower widowers who want the benefits of a relationship but are unwilling to open their heart and give of themselves to the new woman in their life.
Because the sting of losing a loved one can linger with us for years, there’s nothing wrong with having an occasional bad day or bad moment. That’s not being selfish—that’s being human. We’re all prone to have a memory or an event trigger some emotions that we thought were dormant or buried. For example, even though it’s been nearly 10 years since Krista and Hope died, there are one or two moments a year when I let the tears fall. But I don’t let those few and far between moments make me think that the world owes me a living or that I can be rude toward Marathon Girl or our children because of my past.
Had I let grief morph into selfishness continued to think only of myself and my problems, I would have missed out on the two biggest blessings of my life: Marathon Girl and our kids. I also wouldn’t have published three books, live in the wonderful neighborhood we call home, or have all the other good things in this life.
So if you’re a woman dating a widower who can only think of himself and his loss, stop torturing yourself and move on. You deserve someone who will put you and your happiness before his own. There are plenty of good men (and, yes, other widowers) who will treat you like a queen. Find those men instead of wasting time with someone who thinks the world revolves around himself.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Thank you so much for this website. It helps a lot when dealing with issues and a widower.
You’re welcome, Maria.
you said, “So if you’re a woman dating a widower who can only think of himself and his loss, stop torturing yourself and move on. You deserve someone who will put you and your happiness before his own. There are plenty of good men (and, yes, other widowers) who will treat you like a queen. Find those men instead of wasting time with someone who thinks the world revolves around himself”….
this is absolutely correct..just because someone is/was a widower, doesnt give them the right to treat anyone with such degrading disrespect…commonly referred to with us WOW as flashing the “widowers card” or the “get out of jail free card” so to speak…
Time does not heal all things and your words are very true…and must agree there is is “selfish” grief that widowers who typically have other issues or psychological problems turn on when it serves them. If the widower had issues, addictons, and personality disorders prior to the loss, these will not be resolved with time, much selfish grief is seen in these individuals. Great job with a difficult topic, will retweet, thanks as always…
So true, Abel. The same phenomenon can be pegged to divorcees who hold on to the bad feelings about their failed marriages/exes for too long,
BTW, I read the new book, and it’s great. Congrats!
It’s not always limited to the W which can add to the stress in a new relationship. My H is wonderful but my oldest SD is exactly as you have described. In the name of her grief and suffering, she has and continues to hurt her grandparents, her sister and her father. (She has also hurt me but that is peripheral to the others’ hurts because I can distance myself and because my H protects me as much as he can.) She disrupts family occasions and is not above manipulating her sister and grandparents whenever it suits her. At our first (and last) family therapy session she was asked why she came. Her response began with, “I’m not willing to compromise my needs.” It got worse from there. She cannot and will not see how hurtful and selfish she is being to the people who have loved and supported her throughout her life. Sometimes I’m not sure that she and my H will ever have a good father-daughter relationship again. She’s nearly 30 and her mother has been dead almost 4 years. It is truly sad.
I had my feelings crushed for the first time by the LW’s family a couple weeks ago. The SM was very brash about my place and the part that LW will always play in my W and his daughter’s life for no apparent reason. I was very nice back in saying I didnt know where it came from (we’ve been together over a year now) and it’s going on 2 since LW passed. I am tying this to the bad days you mention above. I did get surprising amount of support from W and he wanted to call her up but I asked for him to leave it and I will distance myself from her but he is afraid that it will hurt his daughter more than anyone if I try to avoid the gparent. What is the best way to handle that?
I agree with what Annie said below.
Nicole, I think you should let your W handle the gparent but probably face to face is best. it doesn’t have to be confrontational but he should get to the bottom of it so that all the adults are clear on what is best interests for the daughter.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. Just like there are some women who shouldn’t be dating widowers, i.e., if she cannot get past the fact that there may be some moments in the year when her significant other may be sad and they have nothing to do with how much he loves her or the new life he has; there are some widowers who should not be dating if they are not ready to make room in their life and heart for the current woman in their lives.
@ Annie and NYCGirl thank you both for your responses! It’s definately been a new experience for us both but has really drew us close. I will just be myself and if anything else is said I’ll let him go talk to her.
I think its great when the W will speak to the children about how constantly referring to the LW makes the new woman feel. What does one do about the W who is afraid of losing his relationship with his children that he refuses to talk to them about it because he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings? I really don’t want to give up on the W I am seeing, but I’m not waiting for him either – I do what I want to do, with whom and when I want to do it. I have distanced myself so much from his children/family by not participating in activities with them because they make me feel uncomfortable but he still keeps latching on to me. It baffles me how someone can be happy in this sort of relationship. I know it is not the last relationship for me and that someday I will find someone who can fill my needs but in the meantime…
I don’t have any answers, but my W’s daughters are also so hung up on grief and loyalty to their deceased mom that there’s no way to repair their relationship with their father or that they will ever even tolerate me or forgive him for remarrying.
I’ve come to the conclusion that these kinds of conflicts between stepmothers and stepdaughters are inevitable. It comes down to loyalty to their late mother which they cling to.
I found this excerpt from an article in Stepmom magazine on another forum, and it struck me as how impossible the situation wives of widows with kids are in:
“It doesn’t matter how unhealthy the biological parent is; most children will choose their biological parent even when that parent has abandoned them or is deceased. In fact, studies show that teenage girls who have unhealthy mothers will resent even more a stepmother who is healthy and has her act together.
When a child is faced with the decision to acknowledge a biological parent or step-parent, the birth parent wins every time. This is true even when the parent is irresponsible, neglectful, or abusive. Children have a fierce loyalty to their biological parent. The affirmation and attention they crave stems from a core desire to feel loved, significant, and secure.”
I found that so true about my stepdaughters, who are absolutely unwilling to acknowledge the problems that their mother had, or to move on an have to have a normal family life.
When we got married, their father wanted them to be happy, normal kids and to get back some of their childhood since they unfairly had been dealing with their mother’s medical problems for most of their lives.
But they were unwilling to let go of their grief or hatred towards me to have that, and continue to punish their dad for remarrying and refuse to speak to him.
Coming to terms with whom our parents are as “people” and not “mom/dad” is something that doesn’t happen until we are much, much older. I wouldn’t waste much time on it where teens and younger adults are concerned. They will accept in time if not pushed – even if they never acknowledge it.
But accepting who a parent was(is) has nothing to do with expecting proper behavior and I think that’s where bio-parents fall down. During long illnesses and in the aftermath of death (sudden or expected), parents slack, allow children leeway that isn’t healthy for the child or the parent/child status quo. It’s hard to take back lost ground in the authority/respecting zones. Then what one ends up with are teens/young adults with nasty entitlement issues that hurt families and relationship ties. In the end, it gets back to early parenting and in some cases this will make step-parenting and blending difficult to impossible.
Thoughts:
1. Stepdaughters are going to give you a hard time no matter what the situation, especially the teenage ones…that is a given.
2. Abel – you forgot about “guilt”. Most W’s I know (men and women) suffer from survivor’s guilt, or they feel like they are “cheating” on someone they love. They don’t want to feel this way but they cannot help it.
3. “Within a year” is no where near enough time to be “over it”.
4. But despite everything we all say, it’s this simple…when the W (similar the “confirmed bachelor”) meets “The One”, he will have no problem committing himself to her. It will come naturally and will not have to be “forced”. If she is not “The One” he will string her along. Abel said it himself when he talked about Jennifer vs. Marathon Girl. Jennifer was not “The One”, Marathon Girl was.
i have been married to a “former” widower for 2 years now..there are still issues that have to be dealt with weekly..i think to “deal” with a widower/former widower, it takes patience and lots of determination to make it work..moreso than marriage to a divorced man..no matter what you do, she will always be loved by him and share a special corner in his heart..most women cannot handle that. not excluding me, at times(having the ability to handle the infamous triangle of widowers) I have had so many confrontational issues relating to his widower status and problems resulting from..weekly i question my resilience and motivation to remain in a relationship that is so very taxing to the heart/soul …everyone should not only look for the red flags in their widower/widow partners life, but check the reasons why they stay in such a relationship and if those reasons are solid enough for long term stability in this type of union…
Sherry, I agree that’s there’s lots of issues that come with a widower relationship that you don’t have with single men. However, I would think that most of the issues would be resolved before you marry him. I would hope so any way.
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