Widower Wednesday: Running with the Dead
November 16th, 2011 | 10 comments
Just a reminder that I’ll start posting about holiday topics next week. If you have any holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll answer it. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers.
Also, my next book, “Marrying a Widower” is going to be released next year. More details here.
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The other day a flyer was stuck in our door announcing a 5k run/walk. The purpose of the event was to raise money for breast cancer research and honor a local woman who recently lost the fight to that disease. That same evening I received an email from a woman whose widower BF was going to run in a similar event. The woman was worried that the event would suck him into the past and make him moody and hard to live with and wanted to know how she could talk him out of participating in it.
Personally I don’t have a problem with these types of events even though I’m not a big fan of them. If you want to raise money for charity or awareness in hopes that it can save some lives or make people more aware of a cause, more power to you. Organize one and have fun doing it. However, the relationship issue seems to be is whether or not these kinds of events stop a widower from moving forward or put him in a temporary holding pattern instead of moving on with his life.
Everyone had different ways of grieving and moving on. For some these events can be therapeutic and help them close out a certain chapter of their life. If the race or event is tied into a local charity it might even help them feel like they’re stopping others from going through the same pain that they experienced. For others, however, these events may indeed throw them into the past and be terribly unhelpful to their progress. They may become withdrawn or sad and pine after their dead spouse. It really depends on the person and how they tackled and managed the grief monster.
So if the widower you’re dating participates in similar events without getting sad or otherwise putting a serious relationship on the backburner, let him do it. As time goes he’ll stop participating in these events as he puts that chapter of his life behind him. If events are causing emotional or relationship issues, then sit him down and talk it out. He may not be aware of much the event is affecting his mood or your relationship. Unless you’ve got a serious concern, I would stop short of asking him not to participate. He needs to be the one to weigh your feelings and his goals decide whether or not to take part. The decision, the consequences thereof, are his to make.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Abel,
How do you feel about widowers doing some type of annual charity in honor of the late wife once a year, such as sandwiches for the hungry. Widower and I are in a relationship. He has been doing this for 5 years as late wife’s passion was cooking. I would not personally ask him to stop. It is a decision he must make on his own. But years down the road once we are married I anticipate I would feel ok, how ever I honestly don’t know. I can only be sure once I cross that bridge. What are your thoughts about this?
KT — Same advice as above. If it seems to pull him back to the past or otherwise put your relationship on hold then probably not a good thing. If he can do it without hurting your relationship then probably not a big deal.
Thanks Abel, what I failed to mention is this is in honor of her date of death. Do you think that changes anything?
KT
Nope.
Thanks for this.
I also wanted to observe that it can be tricky if the WOW/GOW is the one who wants to participate in charity events.
My W does not run but I am a regular runner. I don’t usually raise money because it seems unfair to ask people to give me money for something I do three times a week for fun anyway. However, there is one race I do every year that is quite a big event and usually has 3 or 4 charity partners. It so happened that the year W and I got together, one of the charities was related to LW’s illness so I thought I would make an exception and raise some money for them.
That has been the only time that LW has specifically been something that has caused us problems. W thought it odd and a little creepy that I wanted to raise money in memory of someone I never met, whereas I just figured I was running the race anyway and it would be a nice gesture.
That was a long time ago now and we talked it out to our satisfaction, but for WOW/GOWs who are thinking about raising money in this way, please talk about it to your W first!
Mercury, that was a nice gesture on your part, for sure!
Wow. That was really nice of you. But, yes, talk to the W first. That can nip a lot of problems in the bud.
I agree with Abel, that over time, the participation in these types of things usually diminishes. When we first married, I felt like everywhere I turned in our home (formerly their home) was cancer-related…fundraisers, events, 5Ks, posters, mailers, tshirts, pink ribbon decorations, jewelry, etc. (Not only was it difficult to be so immersed in LW-related items, but it was terribly depressing to be so completely focused on cancer, death and tragedy). I did participate in some of the fundraisers early on… but like Abel said, after we married, over time, my H just kind of dwindled off and stopped. I never asked him to, but I also stopped “doing” so much to support/further it too. As of now, we make a contribution once a year to Relay for Life, but that’s about it. And I do feel that stopping the immersion has helped us move forward with our lives… rather than being so focused on honoring the life/marriage he used to live. If that makes sense.
And I do feel that stopping the immersion has helped us move forward with our lives… rather than being so focused on honoring the life/marriage he used to live. If that makes sense.
Makes perfect sense to me.
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