Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Past, Embracing the Future
January 25th, 2012 | 20 comments
My column last week started a discussion on whether or not the experience of having a photo of my late daughter, Hope, finally up in my home had changed my mind or made me more sympathetic to about displaying photos of the late spouse. After reading through the back and forth in the comment section there seems to be some confusion on my views over how I’ve chosen to remember the past and start a new life. So I thought I’d take today’s Widower Wednesday column as a chance to clear things up.
I’ve never been a proponent of having the late spouse’s photo up in a home if that person has remarried. If you’re willing to fall in love again the widow(er) should do everything they can to make the new spouse feel the center of their universe. I don’t display photos of my late wife in my home and never will. When I chose to marry Marathon Girl, I made the decision to start a new life. That means I put the past life in a place where it wasn’t going to get in the way of the life I was starting with Marathon Girl.
The only time I’ve thought it appropriate to have some photos in the home of the late spouse is when the widow(er) still has minor children living at home. In that case I’ve always best place for them is in the children’s room. Other family and common areas of the home should have photos of the new life—not the old. Those places should be one where the new spouse can feel comfortable spending time and creating new, wonderful memories.
I’ve also never had a problem with anyone displaying photos of deceased children or other dead relatives in a home. Just because I chose not to display a photo of Hope doesn’t mean I didn’t think of her from time to time. I think about her more than I’ll ever admit and she will always have a special place in my heart. However, when I married Marathon Girl I didn’t see a point of having a photo up that would bring me to tears. That would have been detrimental to my marriage and relationship with Marathon Girl. Looking back, I have no regrets about that decision. If Marathon Girl would have chosen to omit Hope’s photo from the Christmas gift, I would have been okay with that too. How I feel about Hope has no bearing on whether or not there’s a photo of her in my home.
All of the photos and other things from my past life I choose to keep are stored in two cardboard boxes in a closet in my basement. It’s been three or four years since the last time opened them and the last time I did was to pull some records that were stored there. I doubt Marathon Girl would have a problem with me looking at the contents occasionally if I so choose but that’s never really been an issue because unless I really need something from the boxes I have no intention of ever opening them again. I don’t need to look at photos and other trinkets to remember Krista or our life together. The feelings and memoires of my past life are stored in a special place in my heart where they will always remain. However, 99 percent my heart belongs to Marathon Girl and the family we started together.
I’ve never had a problem with a widow(er) having a memory box and looking at the contents occasionally or even visiting the cemetery—something I haven’t done in nine years. However, looking at photographs or doing something else to remember the late spouse shouldn’t make you sad or interfere with your feelings for your current spouse. If they do, you should either stop doing things that remind yourself of your past life or evaluate if you should really be married in the first place.
Others have told me that they know of widow(er)s who have photos of the late husband or wife up and the current spouse doesn’t mind a bit. Personally, I’m not into threesomes. Marriage is making two hearts one. If you introduce any more hearts than that, you’re asking for trouble. If the new spouse doesn’t mind photos of the late spouse up, that’s their business. However, I still have to hear any compelling arguments or facts that show how having a photo of the late spouse up makes a marriage and the relationship between a widow(er) and the new spouse stronger.
A person who married a widow(er) deserves to feel like and be treated like that person’s only love. No exceptions. My inbox is full of stories from women who have broken hearts because the widower they love can’t let go of the past enough to move their lives forward. Just yesterday I got an email from a woman who has been married to a widower for two years and is now going through a divorce because she spent every day of her marriage feeling like second pace. Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to live than constantly feeling like you’re competing with a dead person.
Krista and Hope are part of my life and always will be. They made me, in part, the person I am today. But Marathon Girl and I have no problem discussing them or my past marriage at appropriate times. But our focus isn’t on what I lost ten years ago but about the wonderful and beautiful life we’ve built together, our children, and the future we hope to share both for the rest of this life and in the next one.
Ten years ago I was at the lowest spot at my life emotionally and mentally. Through a lot of hard, hard work I have rebuilt my shattered life into something that, back then, seemed like an unobtainable dream. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life because I made the decision to put the past behind me and focus on the future and building a new life with a woman that I love more than anyone else. My life wouldn’t be anywhere close to what it is today if I had let a photo of Krista or other parts of my past come between us.
We only get one shot at this life. Just one. I have chosen to put the past where it belongs and move forward in life with Marathon Girl. I have no regrets or second thoughts about that decision. We’ll be married nine years next month. They have, by far, been the happiest and best years of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I’d be a fool to let something from the past destroy what I’ve worked so hard to build.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Beautifully put. I really cannot think of a thing to add, other than a big “thank you” for continuing to be a voice of reason and consideration on behalf of all the GOW/WOWs out there. I am fortunate in that the pics did come down …not as fast as I would have liked, but in time, and now the remaining photo is in SS’s room. But I clearly remember the pain of having to look at them every day when they were still around, and I feel so much for the women who are still coping with this. Thank you for giving them a voice and reasonable, well thought out ways to verbalize their feelings, and for validating those feelings.
Abel, this is perfect in both content and timing for me. Just what I needed to hear this week. As a GOW who is deciding if she is willing to evolve into the role of a WOW, thank you for being a voice, a guide and an inspiration.
I’ve always been a proponent of “whatever works”, “to each his own” and “everybody grieves differently”. And although you and I don’t agree on most points, I was totally with you on all the points that you were doing what is best for you and your family, until you made until you made the comment “I’m not into threesomes”. I took that as an insult, as if you are putting down the relationship I have with my BF, minimizing, or even mocking it, while we couldn’t be happier. (We are, as you would say, a “foursome” as we are both widowed.) I love being with someone who loves me enough to listen to stories of my LH without his blood pressure going up, and he and his family have told me more than once how much they love me because I am the first woman he’s dated that did not try to force LW out of his (and his children’s) lives. Even his LW’s family loves me!! I have a different point of view, which you imply is wrong. It’s not wrong, it’s just different. I can’t help that a few pictures and a Christmas stocking do not rattle me. Yes, I’m that secure in our relationship. It’s not like she’s going to come back from the grave and take him back!
I truly believe that all these widowers who have trouble committing to the women who write to you don’t have “widower” issues, they have “man” issues. As the old saying goes, “Maybe he isn’t that into you.”
And I take it as an insult that you imply that you are more secure in your relationship because you have a differing point of view from GOW/WOWs who do not want photos of a LW hanging in their home. As you said, everyone has a different comfort level, and obviously a widowed woman is going to have a very different perspective in dating a widower, than a non-widowed woman. That does not mean that we are somehow less secure in ourselves, or that our Ws are “just not into us.” What a totally presumptuous thing to say. My husband and I are very happily married going on two years now, despite the fact that we had some initial disagreements regarding some LW issues. So does that mean that as far as you are concerned, I am insecure and my husband is really not that into me, he just married me out of …what, sympathy?
Abel’s article states very clearly that these are HIS reasons for not having photos of his LW up in his home. It does not come across at all as “this is the only way it can/should be.” He is directing this at the women who are NOT comfortable with photos, validating their feelings, and giving them some food for thought and useful viewpoints in coping with a problem that, from my three years on these forums, seems to be experienced by about 75% of GOW/WOWs. There is a reason why this is an ongoing problem, and it is not because that 75% of posters are all insecure, or dating men who see them as placeholders. There are as many different reasons for, and types of situations with, photos, as there are relationships where they are a problem.
If they have never been a problem for you, then kudos, that is great. Personally the fact that we sleep in “their” bed has never been a problem for me, but there are many women who simply cannot sleep in the bed their man shared with hos LW, and I would NEVER presume to tell those women that there must be something wrong with their relationship. Conversely, there are women who are not bothered by the continued wearing of the wedding ring, which did bother me enormously. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me “well, gosh, he must just not care about you that much then.”. All I ever received was compassionate support, even from the women for whom the ring was not an issue. It would have been devastating to me to read a response like yours when the issue was going on.
I find it weird that you would start a post with how there is no one size fits all situation or solution, and end with such jidgmental commentary. All I can hope is that women will read and take that first part to heart, and not allow themselves to be discouraged by the rest.
Well said Cait!!! AMEN…
Thank you Cait!!!!
I agree with Kris H…..
Very well said…..AMEN!!!
I believe that whatever works for both people in the relationship or marriage works.
For a widow marrying a widower, that might mean having pictures of the late spouses up in the living room.
For a divorcee marrying a widower, that is less likely to make both parties happy.
I’m of the latter camp. If my now-husband had not put away the pictures of his late wife early on, I would have ditched him and moved on to another relationship. Luckily, he reached the conclusion that it was in his best interest as well as mine to take down the photos.
Once I had no doubt that he had turned the corner and was making me his priority, it became no big deal to hear the occasional story about the late wife, to look through pictures of their past life together, etc. Heck, now I’m often the one asking questions about her and their marriage simply because I’m curious.
I am also well aware that if I should become a widow anytime soon (God forbid), I might have some of the same impulses that other widows/widowers have the first time they try dating.
In summary, it seems to me that where you’re coming from plays a huge part of where you’re at. I am grateful I have more than one perspective, and that somehow, my husband found a way to respectfully put his first marriage in a place where it would not interfere with ours.
great explanation of exactly why memorials or pictures all over the place of the late spouse are a huge RED flag for someone considering getting involved with a Widower. I like the analogy to the threesome because it is so true. If the W is really ready to start fresh with someone new there will be no issues in that part of moving forward, photos of the late wife all over the place or even still in public view in his home = someone who should be in therapy and still getting help for his grief and wearing a wrist band to warn all women he is trying to fill the void with stating: ” I am so not ready, I still have pics all over my house, you will just be a fill in untill I get my act together”… have seen the picture issue excused too often by women, only to realize later that the widower is still a complete mess and needs help with the loss and not a new relationship. Thanks for another insightful blog.
I totally loved this post….the threesome analogy is so absolutely true,,,that is EXACTLY how it CAN feel….and the wrist band idea is so funny and great!!
Thank you, Iawrn!
The X-W that I was seeing thought that it was completely normal to mesh our relationship with his and the LW. He admitted that he thought we should all become one and that he felt that I had to hear everything about their life together. I had heard so many stories already, and most of them negative (she was addicted to marijuana and she used to smoke it with the oldest daughter, 20), it was freaky to me because I was not brought up that way of living with my parents. His youngest daughter was 16 when we met and she didn’t ever visit the cemetery, Quite odd because when W and I met he and his older daughter (23) used to go EVERY Sunday and this was 1 1/2 years AD. W still smokes pot with his oldest daughter and the youngest used to use against him when he tried to ground her, she said she would tell the cops that he smoked pot. It worked for her and he was scared of her and he still was after we broke up, even after she tole him she was into it. Its crazy… I’m still reeling from all of this information.
Wonderful. The last paragraph and even moreso the last sentence absolutely sum up what so many people seem to fail to understand. Letting the past destroy one’s future is truly a sad thing and one would be a fool to not fight tooth-and-nail, hand over hand to climb out of that past towards something better.
After reading, rereading and then rereading again Abel’s writing, and the responses, I cannot fathom how him writing that “Personally, I’m not into threesomes. .. ” could possible put any relationship down. Pam was a widow, and married a widower. They both have similar pasts to draw from and can each speak about and pay tribute to their departed spouses on an even playing field. Those of us who are divorced or who have never been married before come from an entirely different perspective when entering our Ws’ lives. We don’t have a LH or LW. It’s hard to know what to say when, how to deal with issues, etc. because we don’t have the same background. If I even question some things, it’s like I am attacking, because LW is dead–but DH can say about anything he likes about my ex-H because he is still around, and could if needed, defend himself.
On another train of thought, however, my grandfather remarried in his 70′s after my grandmother passed. He married a lady who–with her husband–had been friends with my grandparents in their early years of marriage, and then lost track of each other for 30 years or so. She moved into his home and had a nice framed picture of her and her husband on one wall, an equally nice picture of my grandparents on another wall (all in the living room) and several pictures of grandpa and her around the house–including a really nice one in the living room. That was great for them, the kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, etc.
I was 29 when I married my DH (former W) and I don’t think I could have done that. I didn’t have pictures around, but the rest of the house (for months–until we moved) was like LW was at the grocery store (except her purse was in the hall closet), not the cemetery. That started us off out of kilter–and sometimes it seems like we can’t get out of that place.
diney, if he cannot let go of her purse, there is really something wrong. I’ve been, there done that with my X-W. He has kept her purse, cell phone, keys, etc.
I agree, Diney. Two widowed folk have a mutual understanding of some things that a non-widowed person doesn’t.
I don’t think Abel’s comment about “threesomes” was a put down but meant to illustrate the point that in a relationship, a couple’s primary focus needs to be each other and the late spouse can’t be an active member. Sharing stories is hardly “active” but if I were to talk constantly about my LH (like some of these widowers go on and on about their LW’s) even my very understanding husband (who is also widowed) would start to wonder if he was my love or my grief counselor.
While I personally like to see photos occasionally and learn about my husband’s past, I can totally understand where a steady diet of that could undermine the foundation and growth of a new relationship.
It’s important that their be balance and consideration of both people’s feelings and many of the women who read here or are a member of DAW are sometimes dealing with W’s who don’t get that. It’s not always a matter of “he’s not that into you” but one of men who haven’t dated in such a long while that they’ve forgotten or who’ve been single again long enough that compromise and changing old ways is a challenge. jmo
Beautifully put, Ann. It is nice to hear from the “other side” of this, so to speak, such a considerate and supportive response.
Once my fiance and I started getting more serious, I let him know that the photos made me feel like I was dating a married man. He took them all down and only left up a few of his late wife by herself in his daughters room. They were in kind of cheesy frames so i went out and bought nice frames them and replaced them. His daughter loved it.
Now everyone is happy.
Thanks Abel for clarifiying. I think I have understood your opinions all along, but I think it is always easy to take things out of context when you have your own agenda.
My W would not be insulted by the threesome comment either, since he is the one who said it to me without any prompting on my part. It is something he, like Abel, realized to be a necessity if he wanted to move forward into a loving and healthy relationship.
Pictures have never been an issue for us. However, I agree with Abel that I have never heard any compelling arguments or facts that show how having a photo of the late spouse up makes a marriage and the relationship between a widow(er) and the new spouse stronger.
AMEN!!! My feelings (as a young remarried widow) and my husband’s (as a young remarried widower) exactly!! We do everything exactly as you put it and we have a saying as well, Our marriage is not a happy marriage of 4 but instead a happy marriage of two hearts. We will always love what we had with “them” but in the past sense we are only in love with each other. They are gone and we refuse to live in the past. Thank you for being so honest and transparent.
Thanks for sharing your story Jessica. So glad the two of you are able to make each other number one and concentrate on the present and future.
“looking at photographs or doing something else to remember the late spouse shouldn’t make you sad or interfere with your feelings for your current spouse. If they do, you should either stop doing things that remind yourself of your past life or evaluate if you should really be married in the first place”— so true, love it!