Widower Wednesday: Presents for the Late Wife
December 21st, 2011 | 20 comments
Q: Is it okay that the late wife has a stocking up?
A: It is if she’s around to get the goodies on Christmas morning.
Q: What about Christmas presents for the late wife?
A: See my answer to the stocking question.
Q: What if the widower wants to give me some of his late wife’s jewelry or other personal belongings as a Christmas present?
A: It’s not okay for him to do that. He probably means well but it’s seems a tad creepy. If it’s some kind of family heirloom, he should give it to (or save it for) his kids, a sister, or other family member.
Q: What if the kids want to give a present to their late mother?
A: If you feel it’s appropriate, it’s something they can leave at the cemetery or other memorial location. I don’t see a point in making it part of Christmas morning because that can really have a downer affect on Christmas morning/opening presents thing.
Q: What if the widower wants to visit the cemetery on Christmas day?
A: That’s up to him. Hopefully he’s aware of how that might affect his mood, your mood, and the general spirit of the holidays.
Q: What if my widower’s sad during the holidays?
A: That’s his problem. Don’t let his attitude or feelings get you down. If it’s too much for you to handle spend the holidays with people that will make you happy.
Q: How do you get through the two or three Christmas holidays without your late wife?
A: The first one was really rough but that was because she died six weeks earlier. Every Christmas after that was actually pretty good. I felt extremely grateful to have Marathon Girl as part of every Christmas after that one. It was hard to be sad with her in my life. If there were any lingering feelings of sadness, I did my best to help others. That always helps, no matter what time of year it is.
Q: If you could give widowers who might be struggling with the holidays without their late wife this holiday season any advice, what would it be?
A: Read this Widower Wednesday post and remember that life is always what you make it.
Hope all of my WW readers have a wonderful, safe, and happy holiday season!
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Wish your advice could be posted on dating web sites so the women vulnerable the bad men who play the widow card at the holiday and all year could be warned to stay away until from the guys who are just trouble widow or not … so many fall prey to their scams. …made worse by bad holiday behavior and undiagnosed mental illness…. once again an excellent blog for those of us who have been burned ….and those who work with loss groups….many thanks again….
I agree. I say we lobby the editors of these sites to reprint some of Abel’s columns!
I agree! It took me three years of being nice and condescending until I decided enough was enough!
I agree with 90 percent of this, but if I were sad during the holidays (or at any time, about anything), and my putative partner told me it was “my problem” and then bailed on me to spend time with fun people, it would probably be the end for us. That’s pretty cold.
Vanessa, I probably should have put more context around that question. It’s being sad to the point where the W doesn’t want to do anything and is ruining the holiday for his girlfriend and others who are close to him. Lots of GOWs find their holidays ruined because the W just wants to be sad. It’s not worth spending the holidays with someone who’s so miserable that he or she is going to ruin it for you.
Awesome post Abel! Appreciate your insight so very much! Have a blessed Christmas with your family.
I think you are right on track. The time to give gifts to anyone is when they are alive and can enjoy them. If you want to put a wreath at the cemetery, or something of that nature, great–even take the kids there–also great–but it could be done early in the season so the wreath is there for several days or weeks. The LW isn’t at the cemetery checking, and just paying respect is all that should be necessary. My DH (former widower) always said, “I was the best husband I knew how to be to her when she was alive. Now it is my job to be the best husband I know how to be to you. If I’d wanted to relive my life with her, I would not have married again–I would have spent my time reliving.”
“I was the best husband I knew how to be to her when she was alive. Now it is my job to be the best husband I know how to be to you. If I’d wanted to relive my life with her, I would not have married again–I would have spent my time reliving.”
Awesome quote! Your husband had the right attitude, Diney!
Ditto!
I agree with everything except the stocking. My LH will always have a stocking up, and I don’t mind one bit that my boyfriend has his LW’s stocking up. I think the stockings are a nice light touch/remembrance and not over-the-top like extreme sadness or trips to the cemetery, and there is no point in buying gifts for someone who is deceased.
Diney, I like your husband’s take on things a lot too.
Pam, if the stockings work for you and your boyfriend, more power to you. I think rituals like that are easier when both partners are widowed, probably not as easy when only one person in the relationship is widowed.
The only right answer in all of this is what works and feels good for both people in the relationship.
Karen,
I agree. I do think when both parties are widowed there is a different, maybe even easier road to a modicum of understanding on both parts. I also agree that whatever feels good for both people is usually what is right for that couple. It just seems like W’s and their GOW’s and WOW’s have a longer road to whatever works for BOTH.
I know I could not tolerate a stocking for LW.. maybe it depends on how secure one is in a relationship. Even then… let the person go.
Last Christmas was hard as I wanted to be together with my boyfriend and for us to start creating our traditions. He spent part of that day where LW’s ashes are. I thought we were moving forward…. though we’re just back from a holiday party. The people there are lovely, though many were friends with my BF and his late wife. When I walked by my BF and heard him talking to someone and the topic was LW, my heart sank. Maybe I’m too self centered, but if I’m going to have BF, I really wish I’d overhead him talking about me. A few months ago we had people over for dinner and the first thing he told a friend of mine was how what he was cooking was something he and LW liked. It all comes down to wanting to feel like one is the center of one’s universe. Maybe dating a widower is just too hard for me. He always says he’s over her and I’m his number 1, but I don’t think I’m thick-skinned enough to keep going to social events with him and their former friends who continue to like to talk about her. Thanks Abel and all for your support, perspective, and guidance on this journey.
Carol – you said “Even then…let the person go.” This is MUCH easier said than done, and it does make me angry when people who are not widow(er)s say things like that. Remember…he was in love with her when she died and he will always have a part of his heart that belongs to her, no matter who he is with whether it is you or someone else.
It’s good that you recognize that maybe a relationship with a widower is not for you. Maybe it’s just easier for me because I am a widow and I know EXACTLY where he is coming from. (But I do know GOWs and BOWs who are not widows who don’t have as hard of a time with it). I am VERY secure in our relationship, and he has shown me over and over again that I am his Number One now. He also said that because I understand his situation and I don’t mind the stocking and the photos, and I don’t force myself on his kids to be their “new mom”, it makes him even love me MORE, not less. I don’t feel like a “mistress”, his friends and family accept me and tell him how lucky he is to have found me. I am not jealous of his LW at all…in fact, she seemed like she was a lovely person and a great mom from what I’ve heard.
Pam,
Probably I didn’t say it right. I have lost people in my life as well who were very close and I loved very much. They too will always be in my heart. I would not put up a stocking for them, but if that provides comfort for and works for others… that’s fine. I’m struggling with a BF who I think misses his LW so much I don’t know if he has room for me or will let someone else give him happiness. I also know LW was a lovely person — that’s not the issue. I think I could date or even marry a widower as long as I didn’t feel second best or that I could never live up to what he had. I want someone who is up for creating new traditions with another person who could give him joy.
Dear Mr Keogh,
I am a new widower, My wife died suddenly on November 27, 2011, after being sick literally 3 days. She did not suffer and Iam SO Grateful. I had just ordered your book and am looking forward to reading it. I have been greiving for the last 4 weeks , Christmas was4 weeks exact to the day. I had a rough night after getting home. I was curious how long after you lost you wife did you consider meeting people. I am looking forward to making friends, as I miss Her as my Best Friend more than anything. We Were together for 10 yrs, and married for 9 years. I would love to email you more if possible. I will await your response. Thank you. PS how old were you when you lost her, I am 38 yrs, she was 38 also.
Hi Gabe,
So sorry to hear about your wife. That makes the holidays very tough. I was 26 when she died and started dating 5 months after the LW died–but when to take that step varies from person to person. Click on the Contact link on the top of the website and send me an email. I’d be glad to talk with you more about this.
The more I read this site, the more grateful I am that God sent me just exactly the right person after I lost my wife of 26 years and the mother of my three children. I know it wasn’t easy for her at times to be involved with a man who was still going through the grieving process. (It’s been 5 years now and I still have occasional times where I miss the LW. It was especially hard when my two daughters married this year.) We lost her just before Thanksgiving, so those annual reminders are there, especially since she loved all the cooking and baking that went on during the holidays. For the first two years, I just took my children out of town and spent Christmas at a resort just so we wouldn’t be constantly surrounded by her memory.
I found it best to sell my house — it was hard, because I had designed it and built it for my LW — because her memory permeated every part. For the times that my current wife Denise and I spent there, I put those pictures that contained just me and the LW away, but left pictures that contained the kids up. (I can say that if the woman that became my wife had objected to those photos on the walls, I would have quickly terminated the relationship — I could not fathom anyone trying to shove aside half of my life, when that is such a big part of who I am.)
Part of it is maturity. Dense is not threatened by the fact that I still love my first wife. She knows that I was loyal to her, faithful till the day she died, and that I will be exhibit the same fidelity in this relationship. Heaven knows that I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had walked away early on when I was uncertain as to whether I could ever love another woman. She and I are both glad she didn’t.
Sorry for the rambling thoughts. I still get a little emotional it’s hard to put some of these feelings into words.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tim. It sounds like you’re doing you’re best to start a new life. Hope you and Denise have a long, happy life together!
My BF wanted to do something for the kids for their mom who passed away, he hung her Christmas stocking on the wall and it was a very nice way to “include” her in their Christmas.