Widower Wednesday: Pick up the Phone
September 7th, 2011 | 25 comments
I’ve noticed a growing trend when it comes to solving or discussing relationship issues with a widower. Instead of talking to each other, the couple will try to solve their problems via text messaging, instant messaging, or email instead of on the phone or in person. Often it seems when relationship issues are worked on through this method it seems like the problem is never resolved to either party’s satisfaction or misunderstandings occur and the problem gets worse.
All of these technologies are great communication tools but when it comes to relationship communication they can be easy for both parties to hide behind. It’s a lot easier to send a text, IM, or email instead of talking with someone about a problem. I know that when Marathon Girl and I are having a tough day it’s a lot easier for me to send a text to tell her something then pick up the phone. Yet, when I call her instead of typing out a message, we usually resolve the situation sooner and get back to loving each other again.
I’ve noticed the same thing with my working relationships too. At my day job I need to communicate people in Europe and Asia on a daily basis. When a task or issue comes up, usually it’s faster more convenient to shoot off an email or IM instead of picking up the phone. Because of time and language differences an email chain can drag on for days before I understand what the person needs or get some clarification on the project. This usually leaves me and the person on the other end frustrated. So at work I’ve made it a priority to pick up the phone and call people if I have questions about an email or task that’s been assigned to me. I’ve found that not only does it resolve or clarify the issue faster than email or IM, I’ve also have better work relationships with my overseas co-workers.
So today’s suggestion is if you have an issue or need to talk to your widower about a relationship issue, pick up the phone and call him instead of emailing, texting, or IMing him. (The same goes for widowers.) Better yet, if possible, do a face-to-face meeting so you can pick up on his non-verbal signals he may be sending. One of the keys to keeping a relationship moving forward is being able to communicate with each other. Learning how to effectively do that in person or over the phone will help build those skills more effectively than text messages or other forms of electronic communication.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Agreed Abel. It’s a good thing when people have the desire (and courtesy) to make good, clear communication their priority.
Agreed. Too often it’s easy to hide behind electronic devices–esp if it’s news we don’t want to hear or tell someone.
R and I did most of our hashing out of relationships finer points face to face or over the phone. Being in the moment is important for big discussions and the lag time for other forms of communication can add to the problem before it’s finally resolved.
I think the reason that couples avoid talking is to put off hearing something that doesn’t line up with what they want. They are afraid of being told that something isn’t working or that the relationship really isn’t that great or worth working on.
It’s hard to pretend that things are okay when you can hear the tone of a person’s voice and/or read the body language and see the expression or lack of it.
With written communication, unless it’s really blunt, women especially are free to read btwn lines and overlay their own meaning. It’s our early training in tea leaf reading coming back to haunt us. Men use it to avoid telling the truth (just like they use not responding to messages as a way to avoid truth).
But the under 35 crowd has been weaned on instant non-interacting communication. I know that it frustrates me to have to send a dozen messages back and forth to settle plans with my older girls when it would be easier to just talk on the phone once but that’s how they do things anymore.
Ann, age wise I just missed the cut-off from being part of the texting generation. I do text but not nearly as much as younger co-workers. And unless it’s a quick message to MG letting her know I’m running late or something, she’d prefer that I make a 30 second phone call.
R and I talk back and forth throughout the day though not everyone has the luxury of their own office like he does to make this possible.
We relied heavily on email during the day when we were LDR b/c I was a teacher and talking on the phone wasn’t possible. Now, it’s seldom a txt or email and we never IM, even when he’s been away for work. It’s phone.
We are geeky enough to comment on each other’s FB pages though, but that’s about it.
Abel. I agree. Email/txt, even a hand – written letter is one dimensional. Phone is one step better, but only two-dimensional (even IMO if you are doing that facetalk stuff with a smart phone, it’s not the same as being there).
When a GOW has issues that need to be addressed for the sake of the relationship and sake of sanity, face to face is the best. And as I recently suggested on DAW, even consider writing down the points/issues you need to make, questions you need to ask to set your mind in the correct and efficient manner. No need for a PowerPoint presentation, as I noted, but at least write down a few key words to help keep you on track. Even if you write, read your own words, and then toss the note aside with no intention of taking to the ‘meeting’, it will help you to focus on a fruitful outcome for the conversation, IMO.
Ted, IMO the phone is better when you’re breaking up with someone–that way they can’t kill you on the spot. OK, I kid somewhat. Face to face is ideal but not always a possibility. Phone is the next best option.
Joking aside, I think the phone is a good way to break it off with someone you are just dating, but a more long term relationship deserves a face to face.
I need to figure out how to put a “Like” button on these comments.
This comment needs one.
Sure, Abel. No argument with me about the phone. It’s one step…one big step…better than email or text. If you can get to the third dimension, face to face, that’s best, IMO. Unless you know for sure that the conversation is going lead to a break-up and the S.O. carries a weapon!
I think about the ultimate brush-off/break up vehicle I saw once. A Post It note left behind in some TV show I happened to surf through between NCIS episodes.
The episode was “Sex and the City” with the post it.
Agreed … I had a bad habit at first of telling DH my ossues and problems with him via email. It was very cowardly on my part as it gave me a chance to have my say without him being able to get a word in edgewise. I stopped when I realized he was printing them out and keeping them. It made me feel horrible to know he had this tangible evidence of my angry words, butbnot of all the good feelings. I made myself stop, suck it up and confront him in person whenever I had an issue. It has worked out so much better for both of us and our relationship.
Okay, I’m old school in most things but have always hated the phone. Now with fibromyalgia wreaking havoc on my short-term memory and ability to concentrate, I loathe it even more. H and I got to know one another again through voluminous emails and that is still my preferred method of discussing things. I can organize my thoughts, choose my words to be more precise and edit before putting any of it out there. Yes, I do miss the body language and the things you can hear in a person’s voice, but I still prefer email. Now that H and I live in the same house we don’t email much, but sometimes it is still my preferred way of explaining something I cannot articulate in an organized way. It also helps when I’m reacting as opposed to responding or being proactive. Forcing myself to write what I think and feel really helps with clarity and it gives me a chance to weigh what I’m about to say which speaking does not. I do recognize that I am in the minority, but I’ll take a keyboard over a phone any day. Now Skype is an altogether different story!
Lynn, I don’t think that you are in the minority. I also like to write what I am thinking because it lets me self-edit. I find lately though I am wanting acceptance for all that stuff I would normally edit out of a conversation via writing or texting it. I want to be able to show the emotion that I normally would edit out, share the complications that I normally wouldn’t share, and let this other person understand my thought processes. Doesn’t it make sense that if you are in a relationship that significant person should understand why something might impact you in a certain way? Intimacy has taken on the meaning of ‘sex’ and lost the meaning of ‘knowledge of another person.’
While I would prefer to be the perfect person on paper to most of the people in my life, I very much agree with Abel that picking up the phone is important to hear inflection and get more meaning from someone that you wish to love and be loved by.
I think that the other flip side of this Abel is the man sayings:
“stalking syndrome” in that women don’t want to call too much because they will look too forward (or desperate.)
“you didn’t tell me that.” where women have to prove a lot what they have said because a man will say they didn’t say it
“you are overreacting” is defendable in a text or writing where one-on-one it is less so.
It isn’t just relationships that have made people want to cover their butts, it’s the modern culture.
I think that certain generations look at different types of contact as different intensity of “command of response” in that texting is less invasive than a phone call. A moment of someone’s time reading a text is less invasive than the time that a phone call takes. Heck, my friends and I don’t even leave voicemail for each other. It’s too much time to retrieve them. We know if we see you have called that you want to talk to us. Voicemail are reserved for “I am at the ER and am bleeding to death and won’t be able to answer your call if you call me back but I need blood” situations.
Contact by texting/calling has become a gauge of personal space in our relationships as well. We don’t define how closely we let someone in anymore by just how they touch us (casual sex aside) but also how many times they can contact us before we cry “too much” or “you don’t contact me enough.” This love thing isn’t measured by bringing home flowers anymore, it’s measured by how available and in contact a person is to us. Isn’t real love when someone will activate the realtime GPS on their cell for you so you always know where they are? Sarcastically said but still true in some relationships.
It does become the “chicken’s way out” to text someone that you need their attention and waiting for them to notice a text (if the text went threw, if they remembered their phone that day, if their battery isn’t dead…) instead of calling and requesting the “now” part of that need.
I can say that I do indeed cluck that texting tune. There comes a point when contact needs are not answered that texts are a method of information and not communication. Since I am not communicated with, I peck a text out instead. Since I am not communicated with, I do not want to expose my “underbelly” of emotional inflection betraying my state in this relationship.
I don’t want smoke signals. Find a call signal and call me.
I just missed the cutoff for the “texting generation” and I think a lot of your observations are spot on. If you don’t respond to a text quickly lots of people will wonder if you have a problem with them. Some of my younger siblings are that way. (Oh and you should see some of the teenagers in my neighborhood weep and wail if you take away their phones!)
It just seems like texting and similar forms of communication are too easy to hide behind when there’s an issue that needs to be address. “This isn’t working out” via text seems like the chickens way out as opposed to manning up and at least letting the person hear your voice.
I say “cluck cluck” here is the chicken scale:
Calling their home when they are gone – you have called, but don’t think there will be an immediate response. Low risk.
Calling their office – little chance they will have time or freedom to talk to you – moderate risk.
Calling their cell anytime – they might answer, they might have time to talk, and they know instantly (usually) that you have called and have chosen to answer or not answer the phone – high risk.
Texting – I think it moderate risk because usually people can respond immediately and when they don’t, it’s high risk for your heart.
It isn’t like the olden days where you came home to see if someone left you a message that someone else took for you. Or even where you could call your answering machine to see if someone left a message. No today you are in pretty much ‘constant availability’ mode and you feel guilty when you aren’t available. How many people take their phones into the bathroom with them even when they are not expecting an important call/text? Come on be brave and raise your hands, we can’t see you.
All this need to be available may have freed us from the 12 year old girl need to hang out next to a land line, skipping meals and sleep just in case the boy called but it hasn’t freed us from the 12 year old need to drag our phone with us everywhere just in case the boy calls, texts, emails, video conferences, etc us. We are all still 12 waiting for the phone to ring where our hearts are concerned. We just want the boy to connect with us so we can text all our girlfriends the big sigh “he’s so cute!”
I am beginning to think that relationships are like the difference between video games and slot machines. They both take a time investment, but you can loose or win your investment only on one of them.
Emily Lee…where does this fit on your chicken scale: There is a free service called ‘Sly Call” that allows you to leave a message on someone’s cell phone voice mail WITHOUT the phone ringing. You dial this toll free number, listen to a commercial message, enter the intended cell # and you get connected directly to the greeting and leave a message. The receiving party thinks they ‘missed’ a call or the phone system was at fault.
Us chickens know that you don’t need a free service to do that as long as the person is on the same service as you (and maybe if they aren’t!)
I think that is like leaving a message for them at their house when they are not home – low risk chicken.
Lynn — I don’t think you’re in the minority. As a writer, I much prefer writing my thoughts down too. And I see nothing wrong with emails, text, etc. as far as love notes and some general relationship building are concerned. However, when it comes to talking about and addressing problems or issues in a relationship, I don’t know if it’s the best way to go. Too many things can get misinterpreted. However, I do think that writing your thoughts out before talking to someone is a great way to make sure what you tell them is clear and concise.
And I hadn’t thought about Skype but that probably beats a phone call!
I wholeheartedly believe in the face-to-face talking, or if not possible, over the phone.
As Caitlin’s example shows, anything in writing can be used against you later.
From my own experience, I would add:
1. Pick a good time to discuss your issues when there are no distractions and you know both of you can devote your full attention. Don’t call or start a conversation about tough stuff when he’s on his way to work or you have company coming.
2. Wait til you’re calm and level-headed to have a converstion ,not when emotions are still at a pitch. Nobody appreciates a raging diva. Also, have some time after the conversation to reflect and chill out.
2. Talk about one issue at a time. If you give your guy a laundry list of things to improve upon (Hey, I want you to get rid of late wife pictures AND tell your in-laws to lay off me), he can easily get overwhelmed, as anyone would.
3. Express issues in “I think” or “I feel statements” instead of You always do this… “. Absolutes absolutely suck, because they usually aren’t true.
4. Have reasonable expectations for an outcome. Most people need time for the message to sink in, time to decide how to handle it, time to make changes.
Great points, Karen. Esp talking about one issue at a time. For most men it’s easier to work on one thing at a time. Give them a list of things and they’ll either tune you out or get upset.
Yes Abel. ONE issue at a time. Wish more women would understand that about men. Better results when we are allowed to run one play at a time, in one direction towards the goal, when attempting to take the ball to the next ten yard mark.
Wonderful advise Abel. This goes not just for those of use dating W’s but those of us dealing with the ex-husband in regards to parenting/kids. You hit the nail on the head stating things get misunderstood or the problem gets worse via text/e-mail. Face to face makes a big difference.
My DH and I don’t email, text, etc. but we do call each other often–me from work. One thing I have noticed with our married children and our single grandchildren is that with them always connected via cell phones and computers, there is never any “cool down” time. They grab their “devices” and just react. They find themselves “saying” things before they process what the other is saying, and reacting so quickly that way too many things are said in the “heat of the second”–in my day it was “heat of the moment” but now. . . No wonder so many relationships are struggling–not just husband/wife, W/GOW or W/WOW–but just friends. These modern methods of communication are certainly double-edged swords, IMO. Face to face is certainly a better way–if possible–to deal with any subject of any importance. If not possible, then at least voice to voice over the phone or using Skype.
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