Widower Wednesday: Photos of Hope
January 18th, 2012 | 33 comments
Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then send me an email with your story.
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The hardest part of my previous life to pack up and put in storage was photos of my late daughter, Hope. There was a part of me that wanted to keep at least one of up somewhere in the first apartment Marathon Girl and I shared but, back then, I couldn’t look at the photos of her hooked up IVs, tubes, and monitors for more than a minute without my eyes filling with tears. Though Marathon Girl had no objection about hanging a photo or two of Hope in our new home, I just couldn’t do it. I was moving on. I didn’t want any reminders of events or people that might hold me back from starting a new life. The photos stayed in the box.
Even though it was a hard choice to make, I never thought twice about that decision or once regretted it. I charged ahead and fully embraced my new life. Aside from a picture of Hope at my parent’s home, there were no other visual reminders of her. And I was just fine with that.
Then back November, the family was driving home from a college football game and, much to my surprise, Marathon Girl brought up the subject.
MG: Remind me again why you don’t have any pictures of Hope up.
Me: ~Gives her a quizzical look~ That’s my past life. I’ve got five wonderful kids and their photos up instead.
MG: Have you ever thought about putting one up?
Me: Nope.
MG: Why?
Me: ~Glances in her direction wondering why she’s asking these questions ~ I can’t stand to look at them. It makes me sad to see tiny body hooked up to life support. That’s not exactly a time in my life I like to revisit.
MG: ~ silent for a beat ~ Well what if you decided to put one up?
Me: I wouldn’t do that. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to you.
MG: What do you mean?
Me: We haven’t had one up our entire marriage. I don’t think its right for me just to wake up one day and decide that I need to put one up eight years after the fact. I don’t want to be like those widowers people email me about who take down photos or something one day and the next day have everything back up.
MG: That’s not the same thing.
Me: It feels like it.
MG: What if I was okay with it.
Me: Still doesn’t seem fair to me.
~silence~
Me: What’s up with all these questions?
MG: Nothing. It was just something I was thinking about.
Me: Care to elaborate?
MG: ~looking away~ Not right now.
Fast forward to Christmas morning. Most of the presents are unwrapped. The kids are busy playing with their new toys. There are two presents left for me to open. Marathon Girl gives me the first one. From the look on her face I think she’s going to burst into tears.
I open the present. There’s a large frame with three photos of our oldest three children’s hands. One is holding a basketball, one a football, and the other a flower.
She hands me the second present. I open it. There’s a large frame with three more photos in it. Two are of our youngest two; one is holding his favorite toy, the other (a baby) has her hands together.
The third photo is of Hope. Not the photos of her hooked up to machines that I remember. Instead it’s one that my mom took of her small fingers wrapped around my finger—one I had forgotten all about.
Tears fall.
Marathon Girl wraps her arms around me and leans her head against mine.
Me: They’re beautiful. Thank you so much.
MG: I wasn’t sure how it would go over. I worried you might not like it after I brought up the subject last month.
Me: It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.
MG: It seemed wrong to do this without including the hands of all your children.
Me: You’re right. All six of them make it complete.
That night we hung the photos in our living room above the piano.
I can look at all of them without crying.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I heart MG! What a perfect idea!
I agree with MG. It wouldn’t have been right. What a wonderful gift.
MG should be awarded wife of the year!!! What a wonderful gift…getting kleenex. That was awesome and a testament that there is a place for the past, and MG did it with dignity and grace,
again an inspiration for us all…..
What a beautiful relationship you and Marathon Girl share. I can’t even begin to imagine how perfect this gift was for you Abel. I am in tears reading this
KT
Well done MG, with grace ,dignity and a boat load of love! Abel ya got a keeper there
Beautiful story . You have been blessed with a wonderful family of eight.
I was so moved by your story that I had to read it again. On one hand it reminds me how selfless, compassionate and kind love is. You and Marathon Girl have both exemplified this for all of us. But also Abel yours is not just a story if the loss of a spouse but a daughter as well, enormous and simultaneous tragedies. You are one of the most positive and resilient people I have seen. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself you have chosen to put Marathon Girl first. You have chosen not to let your wife and children lose out in the present because of the sad events of your past. I think its true, a mans true character is evident during times of adversity. You set a good example for most widowers who’ve lost a spouse. May God bless you, your wife and your beautiful six children.
KT
Thanks, KT.
Wow, just wow…such a thoughtful and sweet, sweet gift from MG. :*)
I wonder, does this experience push you to reconsider any of the advice you’ve given, or the positions you’ve taken, through the years? It’s lovely to hear you so candid and vulnerable. Our lives really are so much larger than we sometimes think!
Did you have any specific advice or positions in mind?
You are pretty hard on people who keep old pictures around…. You don’t usually allow much for sentimentality… Am I misreading?
I’m hard on widowers who are married who keep photos of the late wife up. If you’re going to take that step, it’s time for the photos of the past to come down and photos of your new love and new life to come up.
Keeping photos of deceased children or other relatives around, I don’t have a problem with. It’s never been an issue for me even if it’s something I personally haven’t done until recently.
I agree with Supa…you do tend to be hard on people who keep photos of deceased spouses in their homes. But isn’t it more of a a personal preference issue rather than a “this is what you must do” issue? Off the top of my head I personally know two widowers who are very happily remarried (one for 25 years!!) and keep photos up of the first wife, along with second wife and other family members and both second wives don’t mind at all.
PS…great gift on MG’s part.
This was Abel’s deeply personal post about the death of his firstborn and how his lovely wife was able to incorporate the only comforting picture of her into a lovingly assembled collage of all his children. I am disheartened to see his candor about his lost child used as a forum to attack his views on something that is totally unrelated.
Clearly you have an issue with Abel’s views on whether a widower should display pictures of his deceased wife in a home shared with a current one. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including both you and Abel. However, I think there must be better places to comment than after this particular piece of writing.
I am touched to hear that you have friends who enjoy displaying pictures of their husband’s late wives. However, this is not for everyone and a woman is not a bad person if she does not want to hug and kiss her husband with his late wife watching. A relationship includes 2 people and they should both feel comfortable with all decisions, including this one.
I believe that Abel advocates keeping the late wife’s pictures stored in a safe place in the home where the widower and look at them whenever he wants. I don’t believe he recommends destroying the pictures or removing them from the home. However, I have read more than once where he also supports that the pictures be displayed in homes where the current wife feels comfortable (as in the case of your dear friends).
You are SO fortunate Abel. M.G. is a total gem.
What about the children’s reactions? Any? I know for a fact they are verbal and inquisitive. I would be surprised if there were none.
Ted,
MG said when she was putting a few of it together the older two asked who Hope’s hands belong to. And our oldest daughter asked when she saw the photos after I opened it. We explained it but I don’t know how much of it actually “stuck” with them.
This sort of thing will come to mean something to them in later life, perhaps much later. Somehow / somewhere in all our stuff, two of the girls, when much younger, ran across a photo of me and my ex-wife (with whom I was married just two years and had not children). The girls were curious. They wanted to know how they were related to this Paulette. LW, who knew Paulette, smiled and simply said, “You’re not.” No further discussion.
beautiful, absolutely beautiful
The perfect tribute! The picture of Hope’s hand was probably the inspiration for the whole project–and I’ll bet MG (and
maybe even your mom) had a really special time putting it together. The anticipation of your reaction would be an emotional high–the very best kind brought on by thinking of and doing something extraordinary for someone you love!
This reminds me of O’Henry’s story “The Gift of the Magi” (http://www.auburn.edu/~vestmon/Gift_of_the_Magi.html). The young wife wants to buy her husband a watch fob, so she sells her hair to get the money. Meanwhile, the young husband wants to buy her a set of combs and ends up selling his watch to pay for them. You and MG remind me of them…both being selfless, and in the end, both getting a most wonderful gift more precious than any material offering. I agree with the other posters…MG found the most amazing way to include Hope’s memory along with your other children and took wonderful care of you and your feelings in the process…as you did with her. I will not forget this story.
A truly beautiful account with pictures I found so touching. Blessings to you, Abel, and to your wonderful MG and children.
I think that’s the most beautiful Christmas story I’ve ever heard in real life. Truly.
I have never commented on this site before, but had to join in the chorus of voices who think that this was one of the most precious, beautiful Christmas stories that I have ever heard. What a wonderful gift that MG gave you!
Awesome, Abel.
my heart rejoices at this wonderful expression of love as God defines
@mary
I thought Abel’s story was really great and MG is a gem to come up with such an idea, but it WAS out of character for him. He does advocate forgetting the past and the deceased, (he didn’t have any pics of Hope up until MG gave him this gift) so his acceptance of this photo for his home was beautiful, yet out of character. I was only expanding on what supa said. I just thought it was possible that he might have reconsidered some of his previous positions… everyone has the right to change their mind. And in response to your last paragraph, I don’t ever remember him ever supporting pictures of deceased wives in the homes even where the second wives ARE comfortable with it. As I said I was just trying to find out if he was reconsidering anything.
Pam, I’ve never advocated forgetting the past. Just because someone chooses not to have photos of the late wife or children up doesn’t mean one has forgotten them. I’ll post more on this in a future WW column.
So in your opinion, people only began to be able to remember loved ones in the 19th century, and before that they forgot them as soon as the funeral was over?
From what I have read, Abel has said the past and the first wife will always be a part of the new relationship and marriage. He and marathon girl freely and opennly discuss Krista and this surprises his friends.
Abel has said you don’t need pictures and mementos out in the open to remember. He says there will always be a special place in his heart to love both Hope and her mother.
He also realizes that he made a conscious decision to love marry and move on with marathon girl and create another beautiful life and family. He has selflessly loved his family without taking away from their present while honoring and remembering the past. The most selfish thing he could have done to them was to live in the past and pity himself.
We often overlook that Abel’s loss is complicated by many factors: sudden death, loss of a young wife, death of a pregnant wife, suicide, death of a daughter. While many might be bitter, he is full of optimism and hope, tempered with the sadness of a young wife he lost, a daughter he never got to know.
Abel advocates living in the present, remembering the past but not becoming owned by the past. He suggests that the current wife deserves the same devotion and respect and place the first wife received irrespective of the travesties of his life. These are separate issues.
We all know romantic relationships are complex and different and I believe Abel understands that and is a living example of success.
Pictures of the late wife are ok for the children because it is a different relationship, they need that, and they are not asking for the changes brought on by the widowers remarriage.
A women deserves to feel at home in her house and to feel she is the love of her husbands life because no matter what she is his only current spouse. Someone else was but currently, no one else is.
He’s never said to forget loyalty to the memory of the first wife but instead to put loyalty to the current wife first. It’s only fair. One is the past whose time has come and gone and the other is the present and future who is here now to give, love, and sacrifice no matter what order she came in.
Abel has also said that a chest of mementos he has of Krista will follow both him and marathon girl wherever they go.
And finally if a deceased spouse who has died truly loved the widower,and could speak I’m sure she would say don’t forget me, but also don’t live your life in a vacuum devoid of love. It’s exactly what I would hope for my child if I were ever to be in that unfortunate position. I would never want my child to forget me, but more than that I would not want my child to live without a mothers love again….. We want our loved ones to find happiness and peace and their way once again no matter what.
KT
I meant pictures of the late wife in the child’s or children’s room for minor children at home…..not anywhere else.
Beautifully stated KT.
I don’t think Abel meant this to be a forum for whether pics of the LW should be displayed in the house. It appears that he just wanted to share this very poignant story with all of us. I was just a bit shocked and dismayed that someone thought it was an appropriate place to challenge his opinions about LW pics in the house, which is a totally unrelated issue. I don’t think I would have responded if I had seen the comment elsewhere. I see these differences of opinon all the time, even at DAW.
I am glad Abel will be creating another WW thread to address this where everyone will be invited to post on the actual subject presented instead of changing the lovely tone of this one.
I look forward to reading all your posts.
[...] column last week started a discussion on whether or not the experience of having a photo of my late daughter, Hope, [...]
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