Widower Wednesday: Parenting and Grief
October 5th, 2011 | 38 comments
A recent post on the Widowed and Remarried Facebook group caught my eye. A young widow is having problems with the late husband’s family moving on and worried how their behavior might affect her children.
Here’s her situation in a nutshell: It’s been three years since her husband died and every holiday or birthday gifts from the late husband’s family to her children is some sort of memorial to their late father. She’s worried 1) that the kids will start resenting these gifts and 2) these gifts serve as a constant reminder of their loss and hold them back from moving on. Her question was what the best way to let late husband’s family knows that these gifts are no longer appropriate.
The reason this post grabbed my attention is that I see a lot of this same confusion and hesitation in widowers when they’re dealing with issues involving the late wife’s family. For whatever reason many widowers have a hard time setting boundaries and saying No to the late wife’s family. In a lot of cases the late wife’s family becomes a surrogate parent to the kids which can make drawing a line in the sand even more difficult.
In a perfect world it would be nice to always have the guidance and thoughts from a spouse when it comes to parenting. But this world isn’t perfect and the death of a husband or wife isn’t an excuse for one to abdicate his or her parental responsibilities. Instead widowed folks often have to make the best decisions that one can by themselves. If the late wife’s family is involved in what you believe to be inappropriate behavior, gifts, or anything else you have a duty as a parent to let them know what is or is not acceptable and appropriate when it comes to your kids.
So how do you deal with memorial gifts coming from the late spouse’s family? You do it the same way you would if it was anyone else doing it: You politely ask them to stop. Explain to them that your children remember their mother (or father) just fine and these gifts, as well intentioned as they are, aren’t necessary. Hopefully they’ll respect your wishes. If they don’t, be prepared to state consequences if such behavior continues and then follow through if they continue to disregard your wishes.
Remember they’re your kids. Don’t let others stop them from adjusting to their new life and moving on.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Bearing in mind that I have a tense relationship with my LH’s mother, I have simply told her point blank when she is over the line. My obligation is to my child first and if MIL is offended, well, she is the grown-up and should have known better anyway.
I don’t understand hanging back, waiting for change to happen on its own or beating around the bush. If there is a an issue, deal with it in the moment. It doesn’t have to be confrontational or unkind. Just matter of fact “This is inappropriate and I am the parent, so it’s going to be my way.”
Memorials as gifts? In the long run these relatives are damaging their own relationships with the children by giving “non-gifts” and the kids new family ties are being subtly undermined – which is worse, imo.
I wonder if this is a more Widower than Widow thing b/c I read more about men simply letting IL stuff go than women.
I hand’t thought about this being more of a Widower thing than a widow thing but you might be on to something. Men in general tend to let things slide when it comes to the parenting aspect. I know I’m that way–at least compared to MG. That being said, I don’t have a problem drawing a line in the sand when it comes to other people interfering in my ability to raise my kids.
I might offer the late spouse’s family a list of things that the kids actually want for their birthdays before the celebration. “Hey, Susie’s really been pining for a new paint set,” for example, gives the late spouse”s clan a positive way to focus their generosity.
A calm but honest explanation of how the memorial gift is inappropriate is also a good idea. Birthday presents, especially for kids, should celebrate the recipient, not serve the emotional neediness of the giver.
On a different topic, Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax did a spot-on job of addressing a familiar widower issue:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-dads-new-wife-a-yelling-parent-on-the-playground/2011/09/16/gIQAOWwfLL_story.html
Great article, Karen. Thanks for sharing. I will post on the DAW board and the blog. Hope that’s okay.
Also, I like the gift list idea.
This is a no-win situation.
My W had absolutely no ability tell his LW’s family what they could or couldn’t do or say and anything he did that did not memorialize and hold his LW up on a pedestal was viewed as a mark against him.
If the children say to their maternal relatives they don’t want memorials, then the widow/widower will be accused of turning her kids against him or letting them forget them, which the maternal relatives will make them feel eternally guilty for.
As a society, “moving on” is not acceptable for children/young adults who’ve lost their parent. It’s expected that that dead parent will continue to hold some place of importance for the rest of the child’s life.
Look at Prince William and Harry. It’s been nearly 15 years now since her death but nearly every news story related to her two sons has to mention her. The broadcasters during William’s wedding wouldn’t shut-up about her. His wedding was all about his dead mother. NBC’s coverage didn’t show Camilla or mention her. If either of the princes said they had moved on and wanted memorials to stop, there would be outrage.
Barbara,
Good example!
I also noticed the same about Prince William’s wedding ceremony but then the whole ceremony is so very steeped in tradition too. Not sure one but there could be a few reasons why the coverage doesn’t really acknowledge Camilla. Starting with the fact that she is a divorce’ and was never really liked to start because of the unseemlyness of her association with her now husband supposedly during his first marriage. And of course the specualation of her husband’s true sexual preference etc. But really their wedding wasn’t about her either.
I agree that Diana’s ghost is almost overbearing and wonder if her sons ever wish folks would just shut up already.
Good grief (pardon the pun) … I had never even given any thought to the fact that Diana is indeed the world’s most sainted LW. I suppose it is lucky for Camilla that she can console herself with having been Charles’ first love, and that he only married Diana for the sake of providing for the succession.
I did wonder in the weeks leading up to it, how Kate felt about having to live up to the most famous wedding in modern history. I thought she did a good job of making her day unique to her and William.
It is a good thing those men are princes. No sane woman would involve herself with that family for anything less lol.
She is indeed and I bet her sons (not to mention their step-mother) aren’t the only ones who wish the media would just let Princess Perfect rest in peace.
I’m never going to be able to think of Princess Di the same again. Maybe I should do a WW about it.
Well, she is a pretty extreme example, but I have a hard time feeling bad for Camilla b/c of the affair she and Charles had. I do feel sorry for the sons. No child should be made to carry the burden of a dead parent like that.
Like you Ann, I don’t feel a bit of sympathy for Camilla or for screw up Prince Charles.
Yes, I know this is off topic but the idea of him using his young wife Diana as a “just a womb” for his heirs is pathetic. This act along with his lack of self control when he decided to cheat on her and his young family makes him a sad piece of a male.
Hope his son’s treat their wives better, though I think it would be difficult for them to do much worse.
This is a very interesting question and I wish there were more details, such as the children’s ages and what these memorial gifts consist of.
That being said, I like the idea of giving the list of gift ideas too. I think that, coupled with a kind and gentle talk about the concern about the memorial gifts, should do the trick. I would also ask the LH’s parents to share their reasoning behind the memorial gifts. If they are doing it out of fear that the kids will “forget” about dad or not know him well enough, some suggestions about other ways to memorialize him might help too. As well as reassurance that the mother is committed to keeping dad’s memory too.
Assuming that there are no other ways in which these FILs are stepping over lines, they may be surprised to find out that the kids would rather have a Barbie than another framed photo of dad … They probably have thought that they were doing something extra thoughtful. They need to understand that the kids’ way of grieving is not their way, and does not need to be.
Caitlin — She didn’t list the ages but it was my impression that her children were still pre-teens.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! I really thought I was being insensitive, but my husband’s LW’s family does this, ad nauseum. And his/our kids reciprocate. In fact, my husband was doing it too! At her funeral there was some sort of “butterfly” analogy, and now every gift, every hallmark, every wrapping paper, every item of clothing, jewelry, etc. given to our kids for any event (Christmas, birthday, graduation, etc.) is butterfly-adorned. As is the decor in all of their homes, decals on their cars, clothing, jewelry, purses, etc. (There is actually an entire room with thousands of butterflies in it, at her parents house) And every event, our kids (teenagers) do the same in return for the LW’s family.
I agree with Barbara, at least in my situation, it’s a no-win. (We can’t even see a butterfly outside without someone attributing it to their mother’s spirit having sent it.) I’m considering taking up the drink. (haha)
Wow! This really hits home for me. LW’s Mom is pretty much obsessed with my bf’s 2 kids (9 and 5)…I hate to use the word “obsessed” but it’s true. She has said to me numerous times that she can’t survive without seeing the boys for a whole week. When the boys are with LW’s parents…they spend hours at the her grave and watching videos of her. She is constantly reminding them the Mommy is in heavan now. She’s even told them that she was their new Mommy, which has the 5 year old thinking “Daddy’s going to marry Nana” bc she is his new Mommy. When I’m around her and the boys are there too, I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. The 5 year old reverts back to a one year old and when the boys are there for a few hours or more, when we get them back we have to reprogram them. Nana treats them like they are incapable of doing anything on their own and babies them so bad. She emails and texts me that to promise, promise, promise her that we would never ever take the boys away from her, she can’t live without them…she needs to know everything that’s going on in their lives at every moment. She’s written a schedule for when she’s available and wants them…it’s pretty insane. LW’s Mom is extrememly depressed (which I totally get) but I feel as though her depression will lead the boys into some sort of depression. When the oldest is with her over night, he comes home with a different twitch each time ( I know its ridiculous)…she’ll text him on his cell phone (which is only supposed to be used for emergencies) saying “I’m all alone today, sad. I miss you boys so much. Please call Nana” And she is constantly talking to me about LW…how wonderful she was, how great she cooked and decorated, etc. Little does she know, I know all about LW, from my bf and his family and friends. Not to speak bad about someone who has passed, but LW’s Mom doesn’t need to convince me about how “wonderful” she was. I know too much to believe it. They were in the middle of seperating and she was very depressed for years, actually diagnosed bipolar and she committed suicide. Her family blames my bf, but I feel as though there is some guilt from them and that’s why LW’s Mom is the way she is. There are days where I can’t take her. She’s driven her friends away and recently her husband has said some things to me like too. Her constant talk about being so sad and missing her daughter has really taken a toll on everyone around her. We’ve limited the boys time with her. We would obviously never stop it all together. The boys adore her and she does really love them. The other day she emailed me stating “Ya know, I tell “W” all the time how wonderful you are and he never responds. I ask him if he’s doing good and he just says he’s ok. Are you two ok? Are you having problems?” and my thoughts were “Our only issue is you”…I feel terrible but she has driven me to this point. She drives us crazy and my bf’s family can’t stand LW’s family. It’s just a mess. If the boys ever want to talk about their Mom to me, I have no problem with that…at all. But I don’t need her Mom telling me stories and how she did things and so on. The oldest told LW’s Mom that he was loved me and was happy that I’m his “second” Mom (he meant step, lol) and called me right away asking if the boys call me Mom. I’m guessing she’s afraid that the boys will forget about their Mom, which won’t happen…but her constant reminder to the boys that their Mommy is in heaven gets to me. My Dad died 10 years ago and wouldn’t want to be reminded every day that he died. I miss him, of course but you move on from it the best you can. She’s become a “professional greiver” (stole that from a previous blog)…HELP!!!!
Lynn, IMO it is up to your boyfriend to set the boundaries and maintain them. This is very often extremely hard for Ws to do, because feelings of guilt or sympathy can override their good sense. I think he needs to sit her down and have a long talk about what is and is not acceptable, and then let her know that if she is not willing to use better judgment, her time with the boys WILL be limited. The bottom line is that he is their parent, and it is his job to protect them from this type of thing, even if the person hurting them (emotionally) is a grandparent. He could suggest counseling for her, and it probably would not hurt to get the boys into some counseling as well, to help them sort out and deal with their own feelings.
IMO,Maybe the only solution is for you, your BF and his sons to move across the country! In a perfect world, wives and moms wouldn’t die young–and suicides wouldn’t happen, either.When these things do happen, family, friends, and religious leaders all lend support. Sometimes, though, the person needs more help than these people are equipped to provide. Professional help is warranted. The situation, as it is, isn’t healthy for the boys. I would guess that your BF has all he can do to keep himself and them, with your help, going on a daily basis. You said that LW’s mother has a husband. Perhaps, your BF could enlist his help in getting some professional help for LW’s mother. If not, perhaps a restraining order would be the last resort. She should not have free rein to contact children that young every hour of every day with the kind of things she is doing. My husband’s first MIL was the one who suggested that her grandchildren call me “Mom” after we were married a few weeks. She said that would show respect, and make them feel like they were part of a complete family again. Those children were 12, 11, 8 and 4–and 35 years later, that is what they still call me. We told them it didn’t mean “Mother who gave me life”–it means “Mother in the home I live in.” (Same for my girls calling my husband “Dad”. By whatever means, available, the unhealthy relationship between LW’s mother and those boys needs to be halted and the only contact they have with the grandmother, until it is on a positive basis, should be closely supervised. They are too young, and are not capable of being her therapists.
Thanks for the tips. LW’s Mom is in therapy, but it’s more or less (I don’t want to say this and sound rude) all about heaven and how God wants everyone to move one. Stuff like that. Ever since LW died, her family has become very religous. She actually emailed me yesterday stating that she was having a very bad week with the change of the season because fall and Halloween were a huge deal to LW. She said she was considering other means of counceling because her husband (LW’s Dad) read her the riot act (her words, not mine) saying “You need to get a grip and stop the pitty party. You’re driving everyone crazy” I think he could have used better words for her, considering how sensitive she is. But that’s niether here nor there. I recommended that “if you’re having more bad days then good, talking to a professional may do you some good” I do understand her pain with losing someone through suicide. My Dad actually committed suicide 10 years ago, so understand the “could I have done or said something to prevent this from happening” feeling…but I couldn’t imagine living my entire life dwelling over it. I miss my Dad dearly but I can’t have his death control my whole life. I think that’s another reason she feels the need to talk to me about every feeling she’s having. She’s said that we have some sort of connection bc of LW and my Dad’s death. No way. The two are no where near close to being the same. The last time she had the boys, she went and bought them their Halloween costumes. Which sounds so ridiculous but I was pissed. (excuse my French)…she didn’t even ask if we minded if she got them. That’s something I was really looking forward to doing. I’m very new at this and I love doing things like that with the boys. And she keeps the costumes at her house bc that’s where she wants them to trick or treat. Guess we’ll be buying their costumes after all. I don’t know. Moving sounds like the only way to go. LOL! If the boys didn’t love their house and we didn’t have such wonderful families…I’d jump right on that. But, I guess we have to stick it through. Hopefully things change soon. My bf has talked to LW’s Mom about all of this and she knows she’s not helping them but she continues to do it. He doesn’t even respond to her texts or calls anymore…it’s easier for him to just not then it is for me. Because part of me wants to help her but I know I can’t.
[...] Frequent readers and commentator Karen M. liked to a great advice column in the comment section of my latest Widower Wednesday post. [...]
Oh my goodness….I think we’ve all forgotten something….LW’s parents lost a CHILD.
There is nothing more horrible than losing a spouse except for losing a CHILD. They are doing whatever they can to keep the memory of their daughter alive and not let the children forget their mom. Maybe they are going about it the wrong way, but I can’t imagine the pain those people are going through.
In my own relationship with my W, I have never ever bugged him about taking down pictures and not celebrating her birthday or the day she passed away. I accompanied him on these treks and he said he loves me all the more for it. His pictures of me sit beside hers and I don’t mind one bit. I also know a family where the woman was widowed with 2 kids and the new husband makes it a point to mention the first husband to the children EVERY DAY in conversation, even though he never met the guy, so that his stepchildren will never forget their real dad.
So yes, these in-laws need to find different gifts for the children, but GOWs and WOW’s need to remember the perpetual pain that these people will always be in. How about choosing a day or two a year where you go with the in-laws and the children and the W to celebrate the real mom’s life? This will only endear you to the family.
Depending on the age of the child and how the child has chosen to mourn is what I think should be important.
We must all be careful to not create the environment where a child feels that a relationship bond is because of grief and doesn’t have more dimension that that. If a grandparent really wanted a healthy grandchild they would let the child determine their own method of grief and their own method of remembering their parent and not push their own grief on that child. They also would encourage a healthy relationship between the new couple that is now the child’s parents so that the child doesn’t suffer another loss if that relationship cannot withstand the interference and pressure of the deceased parents pressure to grieve and not accept that the future now is not the future that they once pictured.
While loosing an adult child is hard, loosing a parent for a child is much harder. The parent of a deceased adult child already saw them grow and know who they are. A child that looses a parent has a more difficult time finding themselves and already mourn that there are some things their parent will never see them do. They don’t need that knowledge spoon fed to them daily. The best we can do for a child is to allow them to form bonds with another person who can help them with questions about their deceased parent in their time, in their way, and allow them to grow in a healthy, loving environment that is now that child’s future. Believe me, children never forget the people that birth them. They will always seek out knowledge about that parent. It’s up to us to let them as they are ready to do so.
Pam, the real issue here is a parenting one–not a grief one. The mom has every right to raise her children how she wants and help them remember their dad as she sees best. It’s not up to the grandparents to do that.
Just because someone experiences loss (spouse, child, best friend, etc.) doesn’t give them a right to impose their grief or the way the choose to remember the dead on everyone else. This constant obsession with loss and remember the dead isn’t healthy for anyone. Life is for the living and to be enjoyed. Hard to do that when one is constantly thinking about what they’ve lost.
So do you think the family that remembers the first dad every day is wrong? Those children are some of the happiest children I know! Actually the whole family is happy, and they never forget the first dad…like I said, the step-dad remembers to mention him to the children every day. And these children do love their stepdad, too.
And maybe this is only my opinion, but I think it IS healthy to remember the dead. Also in my opinion, the worst loss anyone can have dealt to them is a loss of a child. When my 62-year-old uncle died, my grandmother cried over his casket at the wake saying, “My baby my baby.” (And no, we’re not a weird family, and my grandmother had all her marbles, we are quite normal). I could not imagine losing a child, no matter how old.
I said before I don’t agree with the gifts, but maybe if the W, WOW and children approached the grandparents with a different idea for rememberance maybe the gifts would stop.
Pam, I completely understand that she lost her daugher….and I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a child but I still don’t think it’s right for an adult to be telling a 9 year old how sad she is and lonely she is. She does this so the boys will then feed into it and want to go see her. We’re not keeping them from her, but we have limited their time spent with her b/c she is not in a healthy place. When the boys get back they tell us how she cried and went to bed early and so on. They don’t need to see that. They’re kids…they should be able to live like kids.
Lynn,
There is no excuse for that behavior…agreed. I didn’t read that in the original post. I thought it was just about memorial gifts, which I figure the kids will get sick of as they get older anyway. My point is that I will never agree that the dead should be forgotten…that’s all. They should be remembered appropriately, but so many people here seem to think that once you’re dead, you’re dead and you don’t deserve any of respect or remembrance no matter how wonderful you were on earth, and that grief done and dusted with in a few months. Shockingly, I just read yesterday on someone’s blog that “grieving people are a**holes”. Really???????
Pam,
Most of the people here think that if you’re dating again, you should find a way to move on. There’s nothing wrong with grieving or remembering the dead but there’s a time and place for everything. If you’re dating again and proclaiming your everlasting love to someone else, it’s time to move on.
That is why I said they should be remembered “appropriately”. Check out this link I saw this yesterday. I think these people are a great example of remarried widow/widowers. If we were to remarry, these people are great role models, and my W thinks so, too.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29054368/ns/kathie_lee_and_hoda/#44845142
Pam, I love this! I’m getting the book tonight. Thanks for sharing!!
Ug…I just re=read what I wrote…sorry for all the grammar errors. Long day. The last part should read, “They should be remembered appropriately, but so many people here seem to think that once you’re dead, you’re dead and you don’t deserve any sort of respect or remembrance, no matter how wonderful you were on earth, and that a widow or widower’s grief should be done and dusted with in a few months to a year. Shockingly, I just read yesterday on someone’s blog that “grieving people are a**holes”. Really???????
Well, they can be assholes if they are using grief as a weapon to keep children from bonding with the new spouse/parent or to ensure that a new family unit can’t move on with their lives. Some grandparents and adult children see the deceased as a handy weapon to bludgeon others with and use them as a means to manipulate, disrupt and generally cause disharmony.
It’s one thing to grieve and another to deliberately cause trouble. Grief is not an excuse for bad behavior and adults should not be cut slack when their sorrow crosses lines. Certainly approach with care but no one should expect others to slow down their moving on to be a doormat. Sometimes you have to suck it up and put on a brave face for your children and grandchildren and pretend you are happy when you might still be feeling emotionally tender. It’s called “being a grown up”. jmo
In these situations, the parent’s ability to change the in-laws have all depends on how much influence the in-laws have vs the parent.
In my case, my W’s daughters were far closer to their grandmother than they were to their father. They were both incredibly close to their late mom, and have said over and over again that their mom was “their world”.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it was impossible for my W to have changed any of this and he was doomed to be estranged from his children. The fact that he wanted to move on and put things in the past made him the bad guy who never truly loved their mother since the girls want to continue make their mom part of their daily life.
His LW’s family was convinced that he was cheating on his wife with me because we got together so quickly after his wife died.
It’s no different than divorced parents turning the kids against the other parent. The LW’s family used anything my husband did to move on and not stay memorializing his late LW against him and to turn the girls against him.
Dealing with a terminally ill spouse is stressful and there were things that my W did that he regretted, including storming out after an argument and going to a bar. His LW then felt “ill” and had the then 11 year old call an ambulance. Pretty much after this, there was no chance my W was ever going to have a relationship with his youngest daughter. She will never forgive him. And the LW’s family will never let him forget it.
If a W has a good relationship with their kids and they are not more attached to their late parent and that side of the family, then setting boundaries with the in-laws is possible.
Otherwise, it allows the kids to be turned against their parent.
Especially if the kids are girls. You rarely hear about problems widowers have with their sons – unless it’s about financial issues, inheritence and gold digger accusations.
But some daughters have mommy fixations and will never get over of the death of their mother. The more my husband moved on, the more his daughters hated him for his “betrayal” of their mom.
Barbara, you make an interesting point about the gender impact in these situations. All of my husband’s kids are girls… and while we (fortunately) don’t have as extreme a dynamic as you described, there are some similarities…. one, in the extreme loyalty to the LW’s family above all else (that supercedes by far loyalty to their father’s side of the family) as well as the tendency in both LW’s family and in our girls to somehow tie virtually everything to their deceased mother. (It’s like a really tragic version of the Kevin Bacon game or something.) I assumed this was a given across all stepchildren who are grieving and adjusting to a new (step)mother, but now that you mention it, there do seem to be some gender aspects that have played out, relative to both their deceased mother and relative to their father’s feelings for / relationship with me.
I’m interested to hear what others think about this in their experiences?
My stepdaughters have been wonderful. They had good relationships with both parents and really respect their Dad though, so that is a factor. Also, my husband and his LW did not run a child centered family. They were the parents and team.
Among those blended families that I know of, IL issues often were always an issue and the death of the spouse simply made them worse. My LH’s family is not a part of our lives anymore due to issues but there were problems long before LH died too.
I think IL’s who felt secure intruding and muddying the parental waters before the death of their child will likely not change their ways as time and widowed move on into new relationships. And older/adult children can be more difficult than younger ones.
I wouldn’t call my W and his late wife being “child centric”, at least in the way I think of that with parent who’s lives revolved around their entitled, spoiled children’s lives.
In their situation, the family dynamics had been turned upside down by the LW’s illness. My W and his daughter’s lives were very focused on caring for the LW for years. The girls took over doing practically everything their mother was unable to do – cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc from a very young age. Both of them were given adult status when they were preteens and essentially functioned as adults since then, and were never able to build a relationship with their father after that.
I don’t think I had any idea how to handle kids like these. I remember thinking it was going to be so easy- that my W’s daughters were so well behaved and mature and I assumed they would want to have a “mom” to do the things that their mom wasn’t able to do – take them shopping or to the hair salon. I was so naive.
In hindsight, it was a very bad idea to move forward with a blended family so quickly. He needed to first to have tried to find some sort of normalcy with his girls before adding me to the family dynamics. It was dealing with too many things at once, but my W thought the girls were fine.
The biggest issue truly was his daughters not being honest with him. They told their dad what they thought he wanted to hear and didn’t speak up about their feelings about him remarrying back then or specific problems they had with me. They kept quiet and let things fester and fester. If they had spoken up, we could have addressed the problems then rather than now having reached a point where too much time has passed for anything to ever be resolved.
I do agree that if there are problems in any relationship whether it’s the in-laws or the kids those problems aren’t going to go away and a death is only going to exasperate them. We all hope that a tragedy will bring people closer together, but that frequently isn’t the case.
With fathers & daughters, there can be a major communication gap. My husband doesn’t communicate his feelings very well and takes things at face value. If you tell him you’re fine, then you’re fine. It troubles him so much that the girls lied about being perfectly fine with the wedding, then cried in the bathroom at the reception and told his sisters how much they hated me.
Pam, I hear what you’re saying… I also make a point to mention the girls’ mom. Not daily (b/c that would seem unnatural to me, or forced” but when situations come up where it makes sense (baking something she used to bake, a picture of her that was pretty, something she and I both got annoyed at my husband about, Lol).
I think someone’s comfort level with that really depends, though, on how secure they’re made to feel in their relationship. I can honestly say I was far more secure with LW things before we married than after… b/c so much happened afterward that made me question my place / priority in my husband’s heart. Definitely not LW’s fault, but, it definitely made me less comfortable and less open to the constant memorializing… b/c it felt threatening to me. (Yes, I know that’s not mature, or self actualized, but it’s honest!) And I think a l ot of folks on here have or do feel the same. I think it is very (very!) hard to relate to if you haven’t been in these shoes though. (I have a friend whose stepmother was in this situation years ago and I thought she was awful for wanting some boundaries around her own husband… b/c I only saw it from my friend’s point of view, who was missing her mom!) Anyhow, just saying that somewhere in between is probably healthy, but there are a LOT of factors that go into making a woman comfortable with bringing up the LW. For many of us, she’s brought up PLENTY w/o our help.
Annie, I just saw your response, and I think you’ve also hit it on the head…. my H’s LW’s family was allowed to run his life before his LW passed, and so they are simply continuing with what they are used to and the role he has helped create for them. He’s just now starting to see how even his own family has always taken a back seat to his LW and her family (if they were even on the ‘car ride’ at all, so so speak). We are working together to balance things more, and to be inclusive of ALL families, not just LW’s. While it’s important that they not be cast aside, I definitely think it’s important to communicate, through actions, that our newly formed family is first priority, and his family and my family don’t take a back seat to LW’s simply b/c they’re grieving. But, like you said above, it really is a function of what the W allows or doesn’t allow. My H had zero boundaries before, when married to LW, and is just now learning to create some. Needless to say, quite a challenge to do so in this environment!
People get used to a certain version of you and when you change – they don’t always like it.
Especially when the old version of you was suiting their (rather self-interested) purposes quite well!