Widower Wednesday: No Going Back
June 29th, 2011 | 29 comments
For those whose stories were selected for the Dating a Widower book, I emailed off all the contributor agreements last night. If you’ve been notified that I’m going to use your story but haven’t received an agreement, check your spam folder. If you still can’t find it, email me and I’ll resend it.
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Recently I received an email from someone who had just finished Room for Two. She enjoyed the book but had a question that is often asked about the last chapter. For those who haven’t read the book, the last chapter takes place exactly one year after Krista’s death. At the end of the chapter Marathon Girl and I are at the cemetery standing near Krista and Hope’s headstone. As we leave I look back and realize that I’ll probably never come back to the cemetery and visit their grave. The reader wanted to know whether or not I’ve been back to Krista’s grave since then and, if I haven’t, if I plan on going back at some point in the future.
No, I haven’t gone back to Krista’s grave since that day in the book and have no plans to return anytime soon. There are many reasons for this, but the biggest one is that I don’t see what going back would accomplish other than suck me into the past. Remembering the dead isn’t a physical act—at least not for me. I have moments when I think of Krista and Hope but those moments are few and far between and last only a moment. At some point I may go back—but that will probably happen when my kids are older and if the express some curiously about their half-sister or my life before I met their mother. I don’t see myself going back for any other reason.
I’m not recommending that other widowers don’t visit their late wife’s grave (or area where her ashes are scattered). Everyone has their own way of moving forward. For some widowers making occasional visits to the cemetery might be helpful. But I’m not wired that way. For me life isn’t about visiting the past but learning from it and using that knowledge to make the best out of the hand we’ve been dealt.
Nine years ago, I lost everything that mattered to me. Every morning I woke up alone, scared, and without a clue what I was going to do with my life. Fast forward to today: I have a new life now that includes a wonderful wife and 4.5 kids. Getting to where I’m at took a lot of effort, sacrifice, and patience. I had to learn how to rebuild a life from scratch and part of that process included learning how and when to remember the past.
I have no regrets about not going back. If I had gone back—even just once—I doubt my life where I’d be where I’m at today.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
4.5 kids, huh?
Did I miss an announcement???
Abel, this may just be your best blog entry. Very thoughtful and well written and, yes, each W’s journey is different and in your life I see no reason for you to go back to the cemetery. As you know, my case is different and I do visit the grave once or twice a year for the sake of the children. I only know your previous life through your book, but if I contrast your before and after (present), it makes my head spin. You really are in a totally different world now with MG and the children. Also, there is, to me personally, a major irony in your posting this particular entry on this particular day because in a rather odd way, just last night, I DID visit my LW’s grave site. But it was on cable television on the Smithsonian Channel. Odd, yes? Over the last several months that channel has been broadcasting a series called Aerial America, a beautifully filmed series of one hour shows shot totally from the air as each show features ONE of the United States. Last night I caught Arkansas, a relatively new production. Halfway through the program, as the narration and film made its way to Northwest Arkansas and Bentonville, there was a brief ‘nod’ and a paragraph or two of narration about Walmart and Sam Walton’s beginnings here. Of course, it had to be. You couldn’t scan across the NW corner of the state without giving some coverage to the retail giant. But as the aerial camera scanned over the very expansive single-story Walmart headquarters building here, a building we take for granted here but one I certainly have never seen from up above before, I saw the beautiful green contrast of lawn and trees immediately behind the office building as the camera passed over the office complex. It looked like a lovely park. But it was not. It is the cemetery where my late wife is laid to rest. I haven’t thought about her grave or the cemetery for many months, but there it was in the cable channel program somewhere down there in that pretty green on the TV screen. My mind rushed back to the days before she became ill when we joked about buying the plots there in the old Bentonville cemetery directly behind the Walmart home office. We moved here because my job was selling products to Walmart. I had been dealing with that retailer for 20 years and it was almost like a part of our marriage. So late wife joked it was very appropriate that we buy the plots from the city there so, in her words, ‘We could just keep an eye on business from that vantage point.” I had not thought of that lighthearted husband and wife conversation for years, yet there it was last night in a film version of sorts right before me on my television screen.
@Vickie That was the announcement.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Are you trying to see if people pay attention to detail?
Great post Abel, do you think you would feel differently about going back to the grave if Hope had survived?
I was wondering the same thing, Vickie! Congrats, Abel, to you and your rapidly growing family!!!!
Congratulations!
thanks for sharing your great news! and …. for making the point is is NOT about the fancy engraved headstone nor the grave yard…but about moving forward with those who care, such as in your life the wonderful person you met after your loss….excellent it is sad to see many widowers or those who have lost someone get stuck especially about the “stuff” left behind and unable to see the beauty of the future right in front of them espcially if that includes a person like your wife, who was there for you as your grieved and in that awesome healthy way you were able to move on, a great lesson for those who think they “can:t” do this or that because they have had a loss….you took a hard hit and moved forward not backward….all that took was the simple courage you describe so well in your books.
Yeah, isn’t it great about Abel and the growing family. I was fortunate to see MG in her early pregnant “glow” this spring. Beautiful lady, beautiful family. The point of my story, if I had one, was that the cemetery will always be there and a man with children born by the LW more often has to deal with cemetery visits. Not many. But the issue does come up. That television show bringing the cemetery right into my living room was a stark reminder that her body is there and the kids will always have a connection to that place if they want it. A lot of memories of that very day of the funeral came back to me as I sat there watching. But I rarely think about it though the cemetery is just minutes from my home. I can’t recall the last time I went by myself to the site.
@Amy — If Hope had lived, yes, I probably would go back on occasion but it would be more for Hope — not for me.
@Ted Yeah, the children issues does change things a bit but I think a lot of it has to do with the mentality of the widower when he goes to the cemetery. Too many it seem go back wishing for the past instead of being grateful for the future.
Indeed Abel. I know some Christian faiths don’t embrace the idea of communion with the saints 100% (earthly and beyond as well). I am not sure frankly how it works, but in those visits to the cemetery I have always said a prayer to LW for her to gather the saints together and pray for us all down here—for her to pray for me and the kids as we progress on our journey. So in a fashion, I bring her into the ‘discussion’ of the future. Definitely NOT the past.
I don’t understand what’s going on with my dad (who’s a widower) but I guess this is normal. My dad never wants to go with us when we visit my mom’s grave either, even on her birthday.
I don’t get how widowers can move on and forget their wives like he has. He never talks about my mom. Its like she ceased to exist when he got remarried. He never wants us to talk about her and he never talks about when me and my brother were little.
He also refused to go with me and my brother to the Kidney Walk to help raise money for the National Kidney Foundation and get people to sign up to be kidney donors.
My mom died from complications from kidney disease (while waiting for a transplant) a little over 5 years ago. My dad remarried about a year and a half later.
I know my stepmom didn’t like my mom. They knew each other and didn’t get along. There’s no pretending from her like she did or like she wants to be my mom or honor my mom’s memory or anything like that. She says there’s no reason she should treat my mom any different than her ex-husband.
I get men grieve differently and compartmentalize stuff, but I dont get how he can forget my mom like that and let my stepmom be so mean. I don’t understand why he would want to be with someone like her. She’s nothing like my mom who didn’t have a mean bone in her body.
I feel like my mom’s been erased and forgotten. She died so young and never got to do all the things she wanted do and now its like my dad can just erase her and move on like she meant nothing and was irrelevant.
I want my dad to be happy. I know my mom would too. But I don’t think she would want to be forgotten like her life was meaningless.
So, is this like normal? Is this the only way guys can move on? Or is only way that women will be with a widower is his dead wife is like an ex-wife of a man who’s divorced?
Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. You have two different tragedies here. One is the loss of your mother. The other is an unfeeling, selfish, and controlling stepmother. If you can learn over time to see these as two separate issues rather than as one big nightmare, it may help you to cope.
To answer one of your questions, no, all widowers do not have to pretend their late wives never existed in order to remarry. There are women (unfortunately) who become very sensitive and insecure when dating a widower, to the point that they try to more or less erase her. However, in a relationship between a widower (especially one with children) and a new woman, a middle ground needs to be reached; where the new woman does not end up feeling like she is in constant competition with memories, but the widower and his children are allowed to have their memories and honor the person they lost. What works for each family will be different, but it should not result in either the late wife being completely erased, OR the new wife feeling like a not-so-hot replacement.
My husband had a son with his late wife, who we are now raising together. We have pictures in his room of his late mother, and keep in close contact with her family. He is very young still, only four, but we will try to make sure he knows as much as possible about the woman who gave birth to him. I am so sorry that it is not that way for you, but you have every right to remember, grieve for, and TALK ABOUT your mother.
That brings me to your second problem, your not-so-great stepmother. My 17 year old daughter had a stepmother for many years who was very ugly to her. It hurt my daughter a lot that this woman could not or would not let their home be a loving, peaceful place; and that her dad did not stand up for her. In the end, all my daughter could do was build her other family relationships and strong friendships, and lean on them for support.
Do you have any grandparents that you can talk to? Your mom’s parents, or your dad’s? Is there a church pastor, or therapist, or any adult who can help you deal with this? I think maybe you need to see if you can find someone to help you communicate with your dad about how this is all affecting you. If there is not already someone you can trust, then ask him if you can start seeing a counselor. They should be able to give you some help coping with all this, and you should not have to do it all on your own.
@ Katie, I don’t think not going to a grave means a loved one is forgotten. I loved my father dearly and he will always be in my heart. However, I don’t feel he is at his grave or that I need to go there or commemorate his birthday to honor him. Likewise, I don’t expect my BF to ‘erase’ his LW, but if he’s spending a lot of time at her grave, it makes me feel he hasn’t let go and that I’m not # 1. Maybe I shouldn’t, but they had lots of special years together. I want to be with someone who … to quote Abel… sees me as the ‘center of his universe.’ No, it’s not the same, but I do have a former husband. He was special and we parted on good terms. He too is a part of me but I no longer celebrate ‘our days’ as he is not part of my current life.
I hope you and your father can find times when just the two of you can be together and talk about your mother.
@Katie, I am sorry that you feel your mother has been forgotten. From your story it appears that bad history btwn her and your stepmother may be partly to blame, but it’s not unusual for 2nd wives to be insecure and some can be jealous – needlessly imo b/c it’s not a competition. Widowed though tend to fall into camps – those who move on and put the past in a box they don’t feel the need to look into again and those who find ways to co-mingle past and present while staying firmly in the present. It’s a personality thing. And it’s not just men. Widowed women are not really all that different. All you can do is let your dad know how you feel. You should be able to share memories w/out feeling as though you are doing something wrong.
@Katie. I am sorry for the way things have worked out with your father’s ‘moving on’. Like Annie posted, it appears there was bad feelings between your mother and the 2nd wife before her death that make your situation more complicated, more hurtful. But I will give you a general take—some widowers move on very slowly and have to be like almost forced at gunpoint to put away artifacts from the dead wife (both actual objects just as prominent photos in the home when the new wife is about to move in or the emotional ties that can’t be broken or at least loosened). Then there are those who after a period of grief literally and figuratively box up the late wife memories and head toward a new day, new dawn. One thing that is a key difference between you as a daughter, for example and the widower is that your mother did not give birth to your father. There is a tie you have to your mother that will NEVER be broken or changed, except for the fact that you can’t see her any longer since she is dead. She is part of you physically. I wouldn’t exactly describe what’s going on with you dad (based on what you have shared) as totally healthy, but it is very common for a healthy, ‘moving on’ widower to grasp the fact that the wedding vow indeed state “Till death do us part.” Your mother has passed away. Your father has moved on in a fairly typical time frame (not exceptionally soon) and has grasped that notion in his own way that the bonds of matrimony have been broken. You have no such break in your tie with your mother. And whether in his mind he is continuing to honor your mother’s memory in some way will probably never be known. But I wouldn’t take the fact that he does not visit the cemetery as a token that he has totally forgotten your mother. But he is indeed in a new marriage and it is right that he tend to that marriage. Perhaps it would help if you could try to put aside for a moment the fact that you are the daughter for a while and put yourself in the place of a single, older adult woman falling in love with a widowed man. You may not be at all like your father’s new wife, however, in your own way, you would want to be ‘number one’ in your husband’s life. You would NOT want to feel like you were competing with a dead woman for your husband’s love. The two experiences, one as widowed husband and the other as ‘orphaned’ child, are very different..
I would agree Ted. If you have surviving children with LW , a W is more apt to go to gravesite visits. But I also agree with ABel on his points about how he wouldn’t have been where he is today in a lovely marriage with now 4.5 chlidren (LOL) if he had been stuck at the gravesite of Krista and Hope unable to move forwrad. My BF is somewhere in between really. He still does grave visits a few times a year and he usually does for children’s sake but anymore with girls being young adults they don’t need him to go anymore physically with them. they often now go with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. But he still goes and cleans the grave up before visits (such as Mother’s Day or her birthday – sometimes Easter). I am imagine he takes flowers. It bothers me and it doesn’t. He used to spend every waking moment there pretty much after she died. He said it was because he didn’t know what else to do. He lost her very suddenly to meningitis. But years later I think it’s ingrained. His entire family is this way. He goes out and takes care of his Father’s gravesite and his mother is always asking him if he went out and took care of it and also his LW. he also care for the LW’s parents gravesites because none of the surviving sisters will or they live too far. So in a way poor guy has become the caretaker of the family plots and even LW family plots (her and her parents). Although I suppose if he minded he would stop – so he must not. For him I think its an obligation and seems the right thing to do. Although I suspect this might be apart of his hanging on. I don’t think he will ever be able to walk away completely as Abel did. It’s not in his make up and he has kids with her.
Elaine, it seems to me from your description that until and unless W can get some other person in the family to take up the role of grave-weeder, he’s going to be doing it. And if you can separate the LW issues and emotions out of it and see that he may be just trying to be a ‘good son’ or good ‘grandson’ and then gets caught up as well being a ‘good’ former son in law….well, is it that bad if he’s such a Boy Scout? I guess it’s just part of his family tradition. Sort of like the scrubby Dutch matriarchs of German immigrant families in St. Louis and New Orleans sweeping their stoops every morning.
@Katie — Was he like this even before the stepmom came into the picutre or did he refuse to go before she became part of your family.
Everyone grieves differnetly. I don’t think he’s forgotten your mom and I’m sure she still has a special place in her heart but that could be complicated by the step-mom who’s now part of his life.
Have you talked to him about this at all?
Katie-your Dad is right to move on with his new life. He needs to create memories with his new iwfe. You rmother does live on in you and your father’s memories. When your Dad looks at you; he is seeing part of his past wife. Do not cause trouble with your Dad and his new wife. Life is so short to make it more complicated. I married a widower and his 3 children. I respect them on remembering past wife’s birthday and last day on earth. It is their way to remember their mom and my new husband’s past wife. I do not disrespect them on this issue. He and the chidlren are still having problems witth trying to make me fit in her spot by changing my personality. Sometimes i feel uncomfortable in their home; the bedroom is the same as when he was with his first wife. It has been 3 years and he has no desire to change our bedroom. to reflect us. We had changed other home decor. It is not working. It has not work so much so that I moved out teary eyed. He had asked me to leave 2 times before that but i said no cause I want to work on our marriage. I have left the home. There was another major problem between husband and me. I found out he does not love me fully; I am only a glorfiied nanny. It hurts me very much ! When I moved out it hurt all of us (the 3 children too) really bad but I had no choice. My step children can be mean to me )not all the time and my husband does not defend me. I think it makes him feel guilty plus he does not have that real love for me. He is not into me as a person anymore.
Anyway a widower is conflicted do not make it worse by nagging him to keep up with each year you mom passes away.Your father has many personal memories. So let your Dad keep his memories of your mom private and let him learn to stay in love with his new wife.
@T.Greiner – Katie does not need to hear your issues, nor does she need you to tell her ” Do not cause trouble with your Dad and his new wife.” Katie sounds very young, and in a lot of pain, and I think it is horrible the way her dad does not visit the cemetery with her and her siblings. When there is children involved, you cannot just “put LW in a box”. Even Abel said that he would visit Krista if Hope were alive, even though it would just be for Hope’s sake, not his. Not to mention that even though you may be a good step mom, it does not sound like her step mom is a very nice person. (And I’m a good step mom saying this).
@Katie – big hug to you. Show your dad what you wrote here when you and your dad have some father/daughter time.
I am sorry if my coments do not fit in with the topic. I have been with a widower for 8 months, living together for 5 months. He was initially very keen on me, saying he loved me. He still says this but some of his actions make me feel unloved. He was reluctant to remove pictures of his wife or wedding ring until it was a situation where he seemed like i forced him into it. He has a pair of her shoes in the wardrobe and he lied to me by telling me a collection of figurines were his when they were hers and he still is unwilling to get rid of them, although he has moved them ou of sight. He has no children but brought up her stepchildren from teenagers who never see him but he has used them as a reason not to get rid of the figurines. We have the anniversary of her death of 5 years and then the anniversary of their wedding and so it goes on and he becomes moody and uncommunicative with me. We rarely are physical sexually, hes always had a problem despite saying he loves me etc. He is kind and loving most of the time aside from this. His wife was an alcoholic so the marriage was not a bed of roses. He talks about her as if he doesnt like her but acknowledges he loved her in the beginning. I feel taken for granted in that he seems to treat me this way. He is less intense and more jokey with me. He talks about himself a lot. But virtually nothing about the wife as he thinks it upsets me. I wonder if all this behaviour is red flags.
Hi Marina, I felt compelled to reply to your question. I can almost feel your confusion and helplessness. I have been through similar things myself with my BF of over a year. It has been similar for us when it has come to photo’s, wedding ring, keepsakes etc but now we have moved in together he has packed a couple of boxes of photo’s and wedding memories away and put them in his parents loft. Maybe your BF needs time, it seems you are living together very soon after meeting and he has to adjust to these changes. Do you feel when you talk to him about these issues he considers your feelings? Sometimes ‘some’ men ‘just don’t think’ in my experience and have to have these things ‘spelled out’! In my experience its not easy with a W but if you look at it like any other relationship you should be treated and respected in the same way! I hope your turmoil eases in time if you stay with this man x
thanks paula, he finds if difficult to talk. there were lots of complexities to the marriage and although shes been dead 5 years i am the first serious relationship hes had since. I find it a relationship that at the moment could go either way. Its possible im too sensitive and needy myself but he is too. We are both finding it difficult to adjust. Good luck to you Paula x
Yahoo!
Hi Abel,
I lost my husband 5 years ago this month and our oldest son two years before that. A lot of people think I am unusual because I don’t visit the cemetery very often. I went through 2 years of grief counseling after my son died because I wanted to die also. I hate to say it, but because I had done my homework for those two years, my husband’s passing was a bit easier to handle. I am Catholic and I truly believe that my husband and son are in heaven and that I will see them again some day. So when I want to talk to them, I do it through prayer. My feeling is that their souls are alive and well and it’s just their earthly bodies that are buried.
Now the interesting thing is that I’m dating a widower who lost his wife 5 years ago also. He is different than I am as he needs to visit the cemetery frequently to visit the grave. I sometimes wonder what he thinks about the fact that I don’t visit often.
Barb
Barb — Why do you think he’s that way?
Hi Abel,
I do believe it has a lot to do with the fact that my sweetie was seriously abused by his mom when he was just a tot. She eventually lost custody of him. His wife was the perfect match for him because she introduced him to a much deeper faith life which eased the pain from his childhood tremendously. They had an extremely faith-filled marriage and lots of children. His wife was not only a wife, but the mother he never had, therefore he became attached to her and looked to her for comfort, support and guidance. When she died of cancer, he was left with a houseful of children to raise and only his faith for comfort.
I think that for these reasons, he needs to connect with her more often, perhaps on a spiritual level, which brings him to church and also the cemetery quite often.
I do love this man and I know that he loves me. He has told all of his children that he may marry me some day and they are all fine with this news and the oldest are really excited about it as are my sons. But I think in his heart of hearts that he is puzzled about how all of this would work and how he can love me and still keep her in his heart. He seems to be working on it, but it is very slow going.
Barb