Widower Wednesday: Never Settle
May 11th, 2011 | 26 comments
FINAL REMINDER: Friday is the last day to submit your story for the upcoming Dating A Widower book. Thanks to all those who have already shared your story. I’ll start reading them this weekend and should have selections made by the end of the month. To submit your story, just send me an email.
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Going through the dating and marriage routine with Marathon Girl was a very different experience than dating and marrying the late wife. Since I had a fairly successful (albeit short) marriage the first time around, I had a better idea of what qualities any future spouse had to have and what trivial issues I could live with.
For example, something I looked for the second time around was someone who was good with money and could live within a budget. The late wife was pretty good with money (as am I) and it was nice not to have money worries hanging over our marriage. As I started dating again, I realized I’d have a hard time spending my life with someone who had a hard time controlling their spending or mountains of unpaid consumer debt no matter how pretty or smart she was. After getting to know Marathon Girl while we were dating, it was a relief to know she had the same view about finances, money, and spending as me. On the other hand, I could have cared less what kind of music Marathon Girl liked, whether she was a morning or a night person, or liked sushi. Those things weren’t important to me or having a successful marriage.
Sometimes I’ll receive emails from someone who’s dating a widower and even though he’s done a decent job of moving on and treating the new woman like number one, there are other issues that the woman is having a hard time with. For example, the widower may be a complete slob and the woman a neat freak. He may have problems with excessive alcohol consumption, drugs use, or pornography or issues with spending money wisely, getting it on in the bedroom, or finding steady employment. Other times it may boil down to different religious or political views may come between the couple. Whatever the problem is the question that is asked is whether or not it’s worth waiting around to see if he changes.
My advice is always the same: Never settle for a relationship with anyone if the person has any issue or habit you can’t live with. Dating a widower is more than just making sure he’s moved on and is ready to start a new life. It’s about knowing he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with if he never changes.
We’re all imperfect and have bad habits and issues we’re struggling with. Some people try to improve their lives. Others are happy just the way they are. What you need to decide is whether or not the foibles and imperfections of the widower is something you can live with. When I married Marathon Girl I do assuming that there was a zero change she may never like sushi. Eight years in, she still hates it. However, I knew I could live with her and love her even if she hated it for the rest of our lives together. On the other hand, I knew I was marrying some who had similar values and beliefs as myself—something I couldn’t compromise on if I was going to happily spend the rest of my life with someone.
Life is short. We can choose to live it with someone who we can love or someone who will drive us crazy. Others may like relationship drama, but I prefer waking up next to someone who I can’t wait to spend another day together. Whoever you become involved in a relationship with, at some point you’re going to know whether or not he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. It is at that moment we need to have the courage to either live with it or move on. It may not be an easy choice, but it’s one that can have a profound affect on the rest of your life. Therefore, choose wisely.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Nice topic! Reminds us that if we can’t live with someone, we just can’t. I found someone who is a lot like me – always has been – but we tend to come to the same conclusions via different ways. We refer to it as “same journey/different path”. It was important to me to find someone who holds similar values and has similar habits; did not have it my first go around with the ex and the results were disastrous.
We accept each other as we are – good & bad – because those differences we can live with. Otherwise, we’d have just remained good friends and moved on.
@KS — Thanks. I like how you phrased it: We accept each other as we are — good & bad. Pretty much sums it up whether you’re in a relatinship with a widower or anyone else.
KS, I agree that this is a wonderful topic, one that is helpful for GOWs to see that widowhood aint’ all we’re dealing with here. Thanks, Abel, for highlighting another good one.
While reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage,” I fell in love with this passage, which is simply another way to describe what Abel has done above.
This is a quote from Gilbert’s fiance, a Brazilian jeweler who draws an analogy between buying parcels of jewels based on the ugliest stones in the lot and making a commitment to someone based on her flaws.
“People fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.?’ Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
Oh, and I hate to leave out this beautiful passage by Gilbert herself.
“There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves. …To be fully seen by somebody, then, and to be loved anyhow — this is a human offering that can border on the miraculous.”
The thought I have kind of mirrors what Karen and Abel have already written–it’s something I have told my children as they have been at the threshhold of marriage also–”Is this someone you can see yourself waking up next to every morning for the rest of your life? If it is, then make sure you are someone he/she will want to wake up to every morning for the rest of his/her life.” Note: SD gave back her diamond after this conversation–married someone else a year or so later–much better “fit”. I just think we shouldn’t save our “best selves” for friends, co-workers, etc. It’s our parents, spouses, children–then children-in-law and grandkids that really matter in this life–and the next!
@Karen M — Beautiful thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
@Diney — Agreed!
Question? I married my W 5 months ago after being together 8 months. We are living in his and his LW’s home, among her things. I find it tough sometimes. He is not willing to move, even though we spoke of this before the wedding. He says he changed his mind. I’m concerned he could change his mind about me, too, so insecurites are popping up left and right. Any comments?
Jackie,
So sorry that these feelings are encroaching on your honeymoon year.
I am NO advice columnist, but here is my two cents–take it or leave it:
I think it’s a little too soon to panic. To assume that his second doubts about moving to a new place equal second doubts about you is a huge leap to make without finding out what he really feels/thinks.
First, take some deep breaths and relax.
Then find a time when you are both free of distractions to talk about this. Ask what he wants, why, and why he had a change of heart. Then talk about what you want and your feelings.
The tone and demeanor (hopefully calm, secure and loving) you set once you do start the conversation(s) are just as important as the topic(s) you talk about.
Not knowing much about your situation, that’s my initial two cents.
The first year of marriage is harder than most people think. So cut yourself (and him) some slack.
I hope it goes well.
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about living in the home he shared with LW among her things. Ask him what he’s feeling and thinking, too. Perhaps he has reasons unrelated to his LW for not wanting to move. (My H has a house he can’t sell because of the real estate market.) As for her things, he may not be aware how much they bother you. Or, he may be so used to them as part of the house furnishings that he doesn’t notice them anymore. Whatever’s going on, you need to talk with him. The insecurities that are cropping up will not go away on their own and will eat at you, if you let them.
@Jackie — I’ll echo what Karen and Lynn have said. You need to talk to him and find out why he’s changed his mind. Do it in a loving and caring way. Let us know how it goes.
Thanks, I will. Love this site!
Or, it may be as my DH finally said years after the fact, “I am so sorry you had to be put through many of the things I put you through early on. I had absolutely no idea what to do with all of LW’s things, and I couldn’t just throw them away because I didn’t know what my children might want when they were grown.” (We were introduced 4 months after LW’s death, and married three months later. Looking back, probably too soon, but hindsight tends to be closer to 20/20 than foresight.) I also think many things that I was upset about were just “wallpaper” to him–there but don’t mean much anymore. Moving to another house, if possible, would, from my experience, be a better choice than trying to make “her” home “yours”. Every change seems to be painful for W, and hard for you–but a new place is yours together–although lots of LW’s stuff comes along. Once boxed, however, it tends to stay that way and can be stored out of the way until emotions die down a bit–they, however, go away completely.
Sorry–last line should read. . . they, however, NEVER go away completely.
Although I’m not actively dating my W (we get together to eat and play video games) he has lost his house to foreclosure and has to move with his youngest daughter (age 18) to an apartment. I suggested that he buy a new bedroom set. He told me he will try to do that but he cannot afford a new mattress. I told him the mattress is the most important thing to replace. He told me that he would lie about it if anyone asked and say that he just bought it. Fine for him, but he just doesn’t “get it.”
@Jackie, I moved into the house my husband shared with his LW. We’ve talked about moving but for reasons unrelated to it having been a home they shared. It was odd and even intimidating in the first year, but most of the insecurities that popped up sprang from my imagination more than anything else. As Diney mentions, it is a task making an existing home your own, but it’s not an impossible one. You should, as others suggest, be honest with your husband about your feelings and talk to him about his reasons for staying. They could be more practical than emotional in nature. We stay simply b/c being in our late 40′s, taking on a mortgage again is foolish for us, so we’ve renovated and slowly replaced furniture (mostly b/c they were old and needed replacing). At four years, the house is very different and though it was hard on our older daughters, they are fine with it now.
@Erika, it is not always practical to replace furniture. Beds especially are pricey. It’s interesting that we can sleep in hotels on beds that hundreds of others have slept and “not slept” on and be fine, but sharing a bed with our partner that he shared with someone else isn’t okay. I emigrated from the U.S. to be w/my husband. I got rid of all my furniture and just used what was here in his home – this meant sleeping in “their” bed. Except, it wasn’t. It was my bed now. For me, it was a reminder of mortality – hers and mine – and that can be unsettling. I wouldn’t say that your friend doesn’t “get it”. The fact that he is going to lie about the bed in future says to me that he understands some women will misinterpret his still having it. But when my LH died, I didn’t run out and buy a new bed. It was just a bed. Like the sofa was just a sofa and the car was just a car. You can’t rid your life of every possession that you shared with the deceased – we aren’t all millionaires who can afford this in any case. Your friend sounds like he is just being practical and perhaps this is why he doesn’t share your pov.
@Annie, I understand what you are saying. He is working two jobs currently. I’m not sure why but see, he said always slept on the couch. He said that it was because there was not any room for him in the bed after the children were born because they always slept with her. He makes it sound as if the kids slept with her until she died at which point they were both 14 and 20 years old. They were married 25 years. It should not be a monetary issue for him to at least replace the mattress. I guess it concerns me because he seems to want to hold on to the mattress because she slept there and before they knew she wasn’t coming home from the hospital; they acquired medical equipment for her recovery and placed it in that room. I’m trying to re-establish a relationship with him because he is fun to be with, a good friend, but I realize he has still a hard time letting go after four years. Her DD is May 26th and he still holds onto to her belongings as if she will return. I really admire the women who think that the man who thought so much of their deceased wife will think the same about them and have the same thoughts about them should they pass away. But really, how different is what I witnessed from that of a divorced man who cannot let his wife go?
@Erika, you are there and I am just online, so your insight is what you really have to go on. If you feel his attachment goes beyond the practical and you want to rekindle your relationship then the bed issue will have to be dealt with and this means telling him how you see things and how you feel about it. We can’t make people move on and some people don’t ever. He’s a friend, and you want to help, which is admirable, but somethings we can only do for ourselves.
I too went through the same thing. Everything was left in the house as if she was still there. When we got married, my husband had my picture on one end of the mantel and her picture right where she left it. Yes, this bothered me b/c I felt he was still keeping her “alive” in the house. He still had her clothes in the closet, her pictures on the wall, and he notes posted everywhere. He even slept and hugged her pillow every night. He says he cries on his way to and from work. We did get new bedroom furniture, but still have the same mattress. He did not replace that. He says he still sees her everywhere in the house. We’ve got new furniture, new paint in every room, and remodeled the ktichen. It’s still not good enough. Now he tells me that he’s still in love with her and he feels like he’s cheating on her by being with me.
@ Distressed, I saw your other post too and I am sorry you are going through this with your husband. But you can’t fix him or hurry him along, he will do this or not on his own. All you can do is communicate your feelings and your expectations because they count just as much as his grief. He entered into the relationship and marriage with you and isn’t keeping up his end and imo, that doesn’t entitle him to sympathy. He’s a grown man after all and this situation is hurting not just you but the children involved. Perhaps therapy would help? But, in the end, you must do what is best for you. Good luck.
I guess the bottom line is we all need to do what is right for us. I don’t feel as though changing the color of the walls or getting a new mattress is going to make any of the grief go away. Time and space is the only thing that alleviates the pain. All I can do is be the best wife I can and hope that things get better as we build our own history.
I have been in a relationship with a lovely man who was married to his wife for 25 years, no children, both lawyers. We are both in our 50′s, I have two grown up children. My husband abandoned me 3 years ago and ran off with a Russian woman while working abroad, 25 years younger. Still not divorced, (though working on it) he has just announced his 2nd child with her.
Anyway my lovely widower and I met at a dinner,and we both immediately attraced. He wined and dined me for four months and I thought all was fine and we started a relationship. His house is still full of her photos, her things, the bed in which she died, is surrounded by items she had, books, painkillers, bible, cuddly toys as she died of cancer. He has just managed to get rid of her clothes.
Nine months after we first met, (close to her death anniversary), he became very distant, he is a workaholic and he stopped phoning and texting. The afternoon before a ball he had invited me to, he came round and said her could not carry on, he loved her, could not be involved with anyone and did not want to hurt me.
Christmas painfully came and went, he asked me to dinner parties, I went clearly as a guest and he kept his distance and wanted no relationship. Over the next few months we got back together, spent weekends togther and all seemed fine, though I was keener than him. He still works incredible hours, does excessive sport training and never relaxes, or even switches on the TV. He is hardly in his house alone, preferring to stay at work.
In the last 2 weeks(apparently after his wedding anniversary) he stopped communicating again, we never see each other mid week, and he cancelled all weekend planned events. He rang and told me he felt the same again and could not be in any relationship. I am distraught, all I needed was some support from him as I battle my way through a divorce, acceptance of this latest illegiimate child and the losss of my home, and my widower just walks away. I have no importance at all it appears and his wife takes him away again.
Having done this to me twice, I know I should move on, but I really love and care for him. Should I dump him or just back off again and wait?.
@ Tessa, you know you should move on, so perhaps you should. Your relationship sound more like just dating than one of a growing commitment. You have a lot on your plate and clearly want to be with someone who cares about your needs and is able to put his own aside and be there for you. He doesn’t sound like he is ready or willing to do that. He might be in the future, who can say, but he’s pulled the “widow card” on you twice. And rather callously. You deserve better.
Annie, you confirm in a few lines what my friends think.
They tell me he is too set in his ways, too self centred, too full of memories for his wife, that we met too soon, that he is a “townie” and I am a country person at heart and mis-matched.
I really love him,and fell very relaxed with him. He has helped me forget my husband and be proud of myself. When I am with him he treats me so very well. I want to love and support him, give him a reason to come home to, and help him run his house. He is obsessed with cleaning, ironing, washing doing it all himself rather than letting me help or employing anyone.
Unlike his wife, I gave up my career to look after my children, he does not understand my being at home running the farm/house/garden and not sitting in an office, high achieving.
He is kind and sentimental, he keeps my cards on display, if I give him a flower, he leaves it until I replace it, he praises my help, my taste, my gardening skills, making me feel important to him.
He has started going to the church at 8.00am on a Sunday (having never been religious) where she is buried, He actually leapt out of my arms, from our bed and rushed to get there on time. I found that so very hurtful.
He tells me what flowers he puts on her grave, asks me what gravestone he should chose, what wording he should have inscribed. what colours to paint his house, consults me on all larger purchases – like I am a sounding board. I am involved, then rejected.
On reading it is just says let him go, but I need him so much.
@ Tessa, not everyone we get involved with are meant to be long term. He has helped you forget your husband and be proud of yourself. Maybe that’s all he was meant to do for you. If what you have together is good in the now, maybe you should just concentrate on that and not focus on where it might go or not. Just staying in the now is fine but that means accepting his emotional limitations and not taking this Widowness personally and giving up on trying to change him. We can’t change people and if we can’t be okay with that than I don’t see how happiness can happen. This is your life and you need to do what works for you.
@Tessa — I agree with a lot of what Annie has said. I’m curious as to why you think you “need” him? Is it so you can have someone to talk too about your jerk of a (soon to be ex) husband? To me it sounds like he can’t be there for you for that and that he’s using you whenever it’s convenient for him. But you already know that. Anyway, sounds like you know what you should do. Find the courage and do it.
Abel,
Thanks for your view.
I think I really need my widower now because everthing has become so bitter with my husband, my house and lifestyle will go and I worry so much about the future. It disappointed me so much when he was unable to offer me any comfort or encouragement when I needed it. Any commitment was clearly too great for him though, I made it clear from the start I was not looking for a husband. I felt I had to give him total sympathy and support over his wife, yet he gave so little in return.
I have tried not to talk about my husband, while actively encouraging him to discuss his dead wife. Both of us has 25- 30 years with our respective partners so obviously they have been hugely influential on our characters. I think my widower doesn’t know who he is without her. I have had 5 years alone, so I must be more adjusted.
I felt we were good for each other, we were both lonely and mutually attracted and we did have fun. I showed him a much more relaxed younger lifestyle, pop music concerts, Chelsea Flower Show, art exhibitions, weekends away etc. but he wanted to hold onto his legal socialising in London, extreme sports, advanced skiing, mountaineering which I could not join him in. He prefered to push himself to the limit, wanted be with single people, or older couples who never challenge him emotionally or personally. He is just hiding from his pain.
We are supposed to be going to another Birthday Ball of one of his old friends on Saturday. Having asked me to go, I wonder if being seen in front of 200 people who knew him with his wife was just too much for him. The easiest thing to do was dump me again.
Anyway, enough of me. Thank you both for your comments. Next time I will be stronger. Tessa
PS Liked your book Room for Two