Widower Wednesday: Memorial Tattoos
March 9th, 2011 | 67 comments
In the spirit of walking the walk when it comes to putting your spouse first, Marathon Girl and I took a trip to southern Utah, without the kids(!), for three days last week. It was a great chance to rest, relax, and put each other first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. I highly recommend planning a getaway with your own spouse if you feel the relationship needs it.
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Last week I received an email from a woman who is dating a widower (wife died 2 years ago, they’ve been dating 15 months) who is doing everything right. He’s made her feel like #1 through his actions (as opposed to his words), and done everything he can to provide a safe, loving home for her and her children, and recently proposed. She’s looking forward to a long and happy life with this man.
There’s only one problem. There’s a small memorial tattoo (a heart with the late wife’s initials inside the heart) on the widower’s chest. Every time the woman sees the tattoo it serves as a reminder of his past love and life with her. Though she’s accepted his past and past marriage and the fact that he will always love her, the constant reminder is driving her crazy.
She’s talked about the tattoo with the widower. He doesn’t see a problem with keeping it. He says it was something he got when he thought he’d never love again and doesn’t think it’s something that needs to go. He also doesn’t want to go through the pain of having it removed.
The woman doesn’t want to lose this great man but doesn’t know if she can live seeing the tattoo every day for the rest of her life and wanted to know if she should learn to live with it or cut and run before she goes nuts.
My thoughts: If the tattoo bothers you that much, then maybe it’s best to move on. You’ve had 15 months to adjust to the tattoo and apparently it’s bothering you more now than the first time you saw it. Just keep in mind that you might be losing an otherwise great guy. I’m not faulting you for feeling this way (Marathon Girl wouldn’t have married me if I had one) just asking you to weigh the pros and cons of ending things over the tattoo.
However, I’m wondering if a compromise can be reached. Have you asked him about altering the tattoo? What if he filled in the heart or altered it in some other way so it obscures the late wife’s initials or doesn’t look like a memorial tattoo. Seems like that way he keeps the tattoo but turns it into something that’s not just a reminder of his past life. Maybe the two of you could visit the parlor where it was done and see if the people there have some ideas or options for the two of you to consider.
From your email, he seems like a great guy—a cut above most widowers who start dating again. If it’s just the tattoo and only the tattoo issue that’s bothering you then I’d try to find a way around it. It sounds like you have a relationships where you talk to each other, bring it up. See if the two of you can find a solution that makes you both happy.
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I know there are women who read this column who are with or dated widowers with memorial tattoos. How did you guys deal with it? Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
This tattoo issue has always bothered me. It’s up there with the pre-engraved doubleheadstone. Problem is the tat is there all the time. The doubleheadstone is somewhere out of sight in the cemetery.
I don’t have a tat. They don’t do anything for me. But if I did have a memorial one right in the middle of my chest….the spot that my new wife would be looking DIRECTLY at in most intimacy positions, I would understand her distaste for it. I would want to do something about it. To expect most women to put that out of their mind at a time when you are expecting her to give herself freely physically and emotionally is unreasonable. And I suspect that is what Abel’s MG knew instinctively. She wanted to be, needed to be, in a position to give herself totally. I would understand it being a deal breaker. The suggestion that the W just wear a T-shirt….all the time? During love making only or shall he be required to grab a T-shirt as soon as he steps out of the shower? That is not a solution. Sure, a WOW or GOW has to understand that a certain part of W’s past will always be linked to the LW. I think we all get that. If some WOWs can live with a tat, then I salute them. But I don’t think it is unreasonable for a woman to expect her man to be free of LW when he comes to her naked. And I think the matter being a deal breaker is OK. I mean, a pretty LW photo should be acceptable in a drawer in the basement or on a wall in the kids’ room. But how would a woman feel if he came to bed with the framed photo hanging around his neck?
“But I don’t think it is unreasonable for a woman to expect her man to be free of LW when he comes to her naked.”
Good one, @Ted. Kinda sums it up.
@Annie, @Ted, I agree… I don’t think any of us take exception to hour BF’s/Husband having a certain part of his past linked to the LW. We all have parts of our pasts linked to other people. The problem lies in situations where that past actively becomes present and/or future.
I agree with Ted’s statement… and I would even go a step further and say it’s not unreasonable for a woman to expect her man to be free of LW when he comes to her. Period. (Clothing optional)
@Elizabeth, wish Abel had a “like” feature on the comments.
And practically speaking, I wouldn’t need to spend money on a darned tattoo to remind me of LW. I have six kids that are just fine and dandy reminders, thank you very much.
You folks are cracking me up. I agree that the tattoo would bother me so its good that my BF doesn’t have nor wants one. To the emailer, it may be best to read all of these posts to him. I show my BF posts that ring a bell with our relationship and it opens up the floor for us to have a great conversation about said topic. Communication is the key to success in most situations and maybe if he sees others opinions, and people in similar situations, he can understand you more. Good luck and I hope you keep him around if he deserves you!!
“something that has ceased to have meaning for you anymore” is a pretty high standard. I don’t expect my husband’s late wife to have no meaning for him anymore – I just expect to come first, now.
I married a widower with a tattoo of his first wife’s name in a heart, which he had turned into a memorial tattoo a week or so after she died. It’s visible out and about with short sleeves, so (unlike that chest ink) now and again he has to have awkward conversations about it, and it certainly seemed intimidating and always caught my eye when we started dating. I don’t really ‘see’ it much anymore, though now and again I will notice it and it makes me feel a bit wistful about the whole sad story. We talked about how it made me feel, though I must say it never occurred to me to even consider asking him to remove it or change it – what he felt for her and when she died is real, and won’t change. I adopted her children, I made friends with her family, I paid her debts, I restored and sold and cleaned out her house. She’s part of my life too at this point, though not a big day-to-day part (and yes, I asked that the pictures and the like come down).
What my husband did do was get a new tattoo with my name and a symbol that meant something to us, before we were married. He sees them (and the rest of his tattoos) as markers of the big things in his life, past and present, and as decoration. This might be a compromise that works for folks who are in this situation and unhappy about it.
As part of a very happy marriage, I can assure you that no tattoo impinges on my contentment one tiny bit now.
@Kathy, that’s also a good idea, if it’s one that the current GF/wife feels comfortable with. Thanks for sharing!
On a separate and somewhat unrelated note, if Abel ever does a Wednesday blog about widowers with minor children remarrying, I hope you’ll share a bit about your experiences in that regard as well. I don’t find a lot of women in the position I’m in, so any and all advice is VERY welcome! (As are any donations of tequila and the like)
Ha, LW was a teetotaler and I am the Woman Who Brought Booze Back. You are welcome to the top shelf, sister.
@Kathy, I was referring to the tattoo only.
@Kathy, ok, I am (literally) laughing out loud right now at your post!
I, too, am that woman in our house! (Funny, but my husband’s father was also a teetotaller all his life… til now… he’s started having me mix him a little sumpin at the wild and wacky age of 81!) Not sure if I should be proud of this, or ashamed?! Little of both maybe? Thx for the top shelf offer…. we should totally have been neighbors!
My ex-W has a tattoo of his LW’s name “Ana” with each letter inside of it’s own star on his arm. When we first started dating IT REALLY BOTHERED ME. It still kind of annoys me but…honestly…I would have never expected or requested him to remove it. It is what it is and it’s a part of him that I was never (nor will ever be) a part of. If it’s a memory he wants to hold on to, I say let him.
I totally echo Elizabeth’s comment about the need for a blog post on dating widowers with minor children. Thats my situation too and while he has been wonderful and really good about the whole LW deal, it has been hardest and most challenging figuring out what dating a guy with a grieving kid is like.
Thanks, Ted. If you had a school for Ws, I’d send my BF. Your comments help me understand why I have a hard time seeing my BF wearing such personal items linked to LW…. and when he’s in his ‘birthday suit’ that’s what I see.
Sorry, annie, I misread you.
@Elizabeth – maybe we are, who knows! I don’t want to post anything identifying on a public site but if abel sent my email to you I’d be happy to chat about it.
@Kathy, you’re gonna be seriously happy if you are my neighbor, b/c I’m getting ready to learn how to make homemade lemoncello. If you’ve ever had it, you’ll understand.
@Abel, please feel free to send my email address to Kathy and vice versa!
@M… I feel you. My husband has three children from his first marriage. The dynamics of them having lost their mother, my husband and (early on) LW issues, with a heavy sprinkling of not terribly well adjusted former inlaws who live practically in our backyard…. well…. let’s just say it can be a perfect storm at times. (Or so my friends have characterized it) I think that’s a great idea for a future blog! If you have any specific questions or concerns, I’m fine with Abel giving you my email address as well, maybe my experiences can help.
@Everyone… Happy Friday!
Just returned from trip to have birthday lunch with Perfect Gal. Mentioned the memorial tattoo subject. She is a very reasonable GOW. However, she said she would have a problem with it if I had a tattoo, especially one on my chest. Wouldn’t be a deal breaker, though, because she said would expect me to do something about it if I had one. I have told you all she speaks plainly so a man can understand. See?
@Ted, Lol, you have a gift for cutting through the red tape and just getting to the point!! She really DOES sound like the perfect gal! I admire her certainty and self assurance … I know it took me awhile to amp up. In the beginning, I was all soft and gooey about everything b/c someone had passed away… and it took me awhile to come to realize that as tragic as it was, it didn’t mean I deserved, or should accept, anything less in my relationship/marriage as a result. But for others (like your Perfect Gal) that seems to come more naturally. Luck her, and lucky you!
@Ted – PG sounds like a real gem! Forthright and genuine; rare and valuable qualities. It’s lovely that you are able to appreciate her as you do.
@Elizabeth – Can’t wait to hear how the lemoncello turns out.
But you also have to keep in mind that Perfect Gal, though she wouldn’t want to see a tattoo of another woman on her man, very easily handled a full cookbook of LW’s hand-written family recipes, xeroxed them and set them in a special family heritage cookbook wedding gift for my daughter. It was a lovely, touching thing and could not have been more personally connected to LW than if P.G. had been required to rummage through LW’s jewelry box or underwear drawer (LW and I and all extended family are from S. Louisiana, so food and southern food heritage is/was very important part of our marriage and family life). P.G. totally won the hearts of all my daughters with that lovely scrapbook creation. Speaking of food, got to go get things set up in the kitchen. Eldest son coming home from college and has already put in an order for gumbo. And this time he wants to help me cook it so he can learn to make it for friends back on campus. I bet I know the truth. He wants to impress some Texas girl I bet.
There’s no way I’d be able to stay with someone who has a tattoo in my face during intimate moments. I don’t think I’d even make it through the first intimate time together. I find it very disturbing. I would tell the person how I felt and see how they react. Men, how would you like having to look at a tattoo on your woman with her last boyfriend or deceased husband on her butt or over her heart, in your face all the time? I doubt many would like it. If I found this out early on and it was going to stay, I’d move on. I don’t like tattoos normally, and to have a LW in my face would make me think of a threesome all the time. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Sorry to those of you who don’t get this way of thinking. You don’t have to understand. It’s the way I feel.
@Karen #2, You are entitled to feel as you do. It would likely have been a deal breaker for me, too. I’m not a tattoo sort of person but can’t imagine seeing LW’s name or initials on my husband’s body, or for that matter, can’t imagine him wanting to see my ex’s name or initials tattooed on my body, especially in the bedroom. In the context of our whole lives, his LW and my ex each have their place, but not in our relationship and certainly not in our bedroom.
An irreverent friend suggested that if she died and her husband decided to have a memorial tattoo of her name, she hoped the artist would use the common spelling and then her husband would have to explain why he had a man’s name tattooed on his person. She figures the tat would be history very quickly!
I guess it is true…we all have what we can and cannot live with. I keep up with this blog b/c I like seeing the other side….I’m a widow who is considering dating (not quite there just yet) and would just hate for someone to come into my life and tell me how to live it, and that would include them telling me what I can and cannot do concerning LH. With this in mind, I’ve considered only dating widowers, although I found two widows online whose second husbands have completely embraced the LH’s..one wears LH’s clothing and the other.one even agreed to have their new baby named after the LH!! And both of these widows love their new husbands and cannot stop saying wonderful things about them!!! Maybe men are less insecure in relationships.
I tried putting myself in the shoes but it was difficult because my LH did not have a LW. It’s difficult to imagine myself in a situation that never existed.
First Karen here. My fiance has read this blog, found it fascinating the range of feelings and reactions to the topic. He certainly understands and empathizes (as do I) with the folks who are in the no-way-a-tattoo camp.
There was another point presented here that resonated deeply with him, which Abel highlights with his e-mailer’s dilemma. This woman’s boyfriend had the tattoo done at a point when he never imagined he would love again.
My fiance said he felt this when his tattoo was done, about a year after his late wife’s death. (We met three years after that, at a point where he had casually dated a couple different women but still wasn’t sure if he would ever fall in love again or get married a second time.)
Good discussion on a deeply complicated topic. Once again, the only right answer appears to be the one that BOTH parties can live with.
I guess at the onset it (a tattoo) wouldn’t have been a deal breaker for me, b/c I would have viewed it as something that was done before me and our relationship (and therefore not something I would be personally have been bothered by) … similar to relationship-related things I have said and done in the past, prior to meeting my husband. But, I have to agree, on a go-forward basis, I don’t think I’d have been comfortable with it, at least not at the point where we were marrying. At that point, I, like Ted’s Perfect Gal, would have expected that it would be changed so as to more accurately reflect present and future state vs. past state.
Btw I had to laugh at the mental image of my husband being ok with a “Bob” or a “Larry” or a “Jim” tattooed somewhere on me… I think he’d have had a meltdown. I can’t speak for all men, as one poster described some men who were very connected to their wive’s past loves, but my husband kinda likes being the only one in the (present) picture.
@Ted, btw, I think that’s a lovely idea your GF had! Although I probably speak for most women here when I say we’d much rather go through the LW’s recipe box than underwear drawer!
Like your GF, I would be perfectly comfortable doing something like that for my stepdaughters; I think the whole birth mother/daughters/stepdaughters thing somehow feels more “black and white” than the whole commitment to former spouse / commitment to current one thing, that sometimes riles up some hard to explain feelings. Please tell your GF thanks for the great idea, I just may copycat her!
I have tattoos. My late husband had tattoos. We both had ours done in our more carefree youth, before we even met, though Dan did consider getting another tattoo with our kids’ names after they were born. But, diapers are expensive and necessary. Tattoos are a personal decorative luxury.
It never occurred to me to get a memorial tattoo for Dan after he died. He had already tattoo’ed my life in some many ways, seen and unseen.
I guess that the point of my comment: we never permanently inked our commitment to each other or our family. We lived it, day in and day out.
So long as your new partner is living his commitment to you, let their choice of personal decoration go. Tattoos mark where we’ve been, who we used to be, things that were important and we want to remember. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to judge my character now based on a Celtic cross I tagged on my ankle at age 21. My late Jewish husband certainly didn’t mind that definitive statement of my Christian faith.
@Pam, I can understand your feeling that way… I think most if not all of us would resent someone telling us what to do or how to feel… widowers or not. I think Abel’s approach has always been that we simply share our feelings, and then allow the W to decide for himself how – or if – to react. Then, to make good decisions based on what you’re seeing in that person’s responses.
I also don’t think anyone here would suggest that a W “should” or “has to” do anything they don’t want to do or feels that they can’t do. I know people who’ve lost a spouse and that was “it” for them, marriage wise. They may date, or may even love other people, but don’t feel that they could ever give “that” level of commitment (marriage) to someone new b/c of their commitment to their late spouse. And that’s OK. .. b/c marriage IS the “full monte” so to speak… the whole “forsaking all others” thing. If a person doens’t feel they can get to that point with someone new, there’s nothing wrong at all with that.
I think the rub comes in situatiions where folks feel that way but proceed with new commitments and new marriages anyhow. (You’ll see a lot of fallout from that on this blog.) Few people would want to be married to someone they feel is still actively in love with another person (living or deceased). If you think back to when you were marrying your husband, you both expected it to be 100%, only you and him. I think that’s how most people feel and what most people want in a marriage … doesn’t mean you don’t have love in your heart for people you’ve loved in the past, b/c I think we all do. But it’s the expectation that that person is now in love with you only, and the marriage is of two people, not three.
I can totally see where that would be a terrifically difficult idea to embrace, esp at the point you are now, b/c I”m sure the idea of releasing your past seems foreign and wrong. And that’s ok too. (If I think about it in terms of if my husband were to pass, I feel the same way!) Like you said, it’s awfully hard to imagine yourself in a situation that never existed. Just like I thnk it’s awfully hard to explain the semantics of all of this in in a blog post!
I think it speaks a lot about you that you care enough to try and understand the “other side” so to speak. Thanks for sharing your feelings and helping us to understand more, and thanks for being open to trying to understand the other side of the proverbial fence too!
I’d been unknowingly dating a widower on and off for a year. i’m 24 and he’s 31 and we met January 2010. We both live in the same town, however, we aren’t orginally from here. In Feb 2011, after a not so pleasant trip home to visit his friends, he returned in not the best of moods. We decided to hang out and in a flash, everything I thought that I had knew about this guy, was WRONG. He begin telling me about his “horrible” weekend and the first sentence out of his mouth was “ok, I was married and my wife died of cancer and that’s why I have this tattoo (a cancer ribbon located on his right shoulder)”. After this he continued speaking about his horrible weekend. which basically ended with him and his best friend getting into a fight because he didn’t come to his late wife’s funeral (clear signs that he’s not done grieving) and how he thought he could forgive his friend, but he can’t. Now, even though I tried to stay focused on what he was telling me, i had pretty much stopped at his first sentence. After he was done ranting and raving about his friend and how self-centered he was and blah, blah, blah…the first words out of my mouth was “you lied to me”. Throughout the time that we’ve been dating, he portrayed himself to me as a single bachelor in every, way, shape and form. Only because of the observant person that I am did I notice a few things that were a little strange but I never thought to pay them much attention. While we were dating, he told me that his cancer ribbon tattoo was for his father, who had passed from cancer, but really it was for his late wife. He’d told me that he’d never lived with anyone before (only after I’d done my own research after he told about his marriage, did I discover that not only did he and his wife live together, but they bought the house together). When we had discussed, what happened in our last relationships he had told me that him and his ex had simply grew apart. As soon as i’d called him out on his lies, he immediately grew defensive and I felt it best that I leave. I saw him one more time after that and he made absolutely no effort to address what happened and this time while I was at his house I looked around again, looking to see if there were signs that I’d missed, but there was nothing. The only thing before that I’d noticed was that in his bedroom he’d only had one nightstand and when I asked y he told me that’s just how he wanted it. Clearly he didn’t want to discuss it and i had so many questions, so off to google I went. I found he obituary and learned that she had passed away in March 2009. I’ve broke things off with him because in my heart I feel that I simply can’t forgive his lies- especially lying about such simple things as the meaning of the tattoo and whether he’d ever lived with anyone before. But I know the anniversary of her death is coming up and am so conflicted as to whether or not I should step up and be the bigger person as let him know I’m here for him as I know this may be a difficult time, but I also feel like I shouldn’t because he never apologized to me for lying to me and told me that I should feel honored that he even shared such personal information with me. Any advice?????
I get it 100%. I’ve been married to a former widower for 2 years. He has 2 tattoos — 1 memorial of his late wife’s hands holding a rosary (on his left forearm), 1 heart with her name and the names of his 2 kids (left arm, upper outside). I don’t really like either of them and wish he didn’t have them. But I also have tattoos and I know removing them would be painful.
In the beginning of the relationship, I envisioned myself eventually asking him to have the tattoos removed or amended or just faded out. Our relationship was (and still is) practically perfect in every other way, and I was not going to let some ink interfere with that. I figured in time I would have the nerve to ask, or he’d offer to have them removed. Time went by, we got married, and the significance of those tattoos faded.
Fast forward to today. If I sit and think about it, yes, I still wish the tattoos were gone, but I have become so accustomed to tuning them out and realizing that they are part of his past (while I am his present!) that I don’t notice them much anymore. Even when someone points them out, they don’t bother me, which I never thought could happen. A stranger recently noticed the rosary and complimented him on the work, and asked whose hands they were. My husband said, “A friend who died.” I actually said to him later, “You could have said it was your late wife. I know you were married before.” He said he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I think this was both of us wanting to put the other at ease with a situation that, honestly, does not HAVE to be awkward.
Now, in fairness, one of my tattoos was in response to the end of a relationship, but its significance is not obvious. That relationship ended 6 years ago, a year before I met my husband. I now see that tattoo as part of my past, but that past helped me become the person I am now. I would not want to get rid of it, even if it were a totally painless procedure. I remember what my tattoo meant to me at the time I got it, but it has no impact on my life with my husband. I believe he feels the same way about his.
If you simply can not accept this part of him, and you do not believe he will get the tattoos removed, then it’s probably better to end the relationship. You are entitled to your feelings and to decide what you can accept and what you can’t.
If he really is amazing in every other way, and if there is a chance that you could ever see beyond the ink and believe that you are truly in his heart, then this doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.
Footnote: Coincidentally, my husband and I have appts this weekend to get tattoos honoring each other — his idea.
@Marissa, the man lied to you about who he was, which may not have a thing to do with his being widowed or his grief (which he may or may not be over but that’s for him to decide not you). He lied. You can forgive and go on or not. But I would urge you to make the decision based on what you want and need and not b/c you feel sorry for him. Being widowed is not an excuse for bad behavior ever. I know that it’s hard to have invested time and emotion and have things not work out, but that’s a risk we take when we decide to date and establish relationships. Dating is about learning and you have learned things that don’t seem to line up with what you want from a partner. Do what is best for you. Relationships really aren’t supposed to be soap opera plots.
@Marissa — He lied to you for over a year about his martial status. As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t deserve any of your time, attention, or sympathy.
My W does not have a memorial tattoo, but he almost got one WHILE we were dating (in the first 6 months of our relationship). When he told me about it, he thought I’d see it as a romantic gesture for his past love – he even thought I’d want to go along when he got inked (I already had two tattoos of my own that are special to me but not related to any other person). It hurt me deeply to think about him getting a memorial tattoo for another woman now that we were together, but I didn’t feel I had the right to ask him not to do it. Thankfully, his best friend told him it was disrespectful to get that tattooed now that he was serious about another woman. Whew!
Something else that isn’t entirely related, but somewhat similar… My husband wore his wedding ring from his first marriage on a chain around his neck when I met him. He told he planned to never take it off until his son got engaged, at which time he’d give it (as well as LW’s rings) to his son. So I had this ring dangling in my face when the two of us were intimate. It was awful. A few months after we started dating, his dog jumped up on him and disconnected the chain. The ring fell off and was not immediately located. My husband realized that wearing it on a chain meant that he might accidentally lose it, and so he decided that a safer place for it was in the jewelry box (the entire set actually lives in MY jewelry box now, but it’s better than dangling on my face). Dodged another bullet with that one!
I did eventually tell him about how I felt about both of those things, after they’d already worked themselves out…
@Marissa – I don’t think you should ever speak to him again. The anniversary of his LW’s death probably will be a hard time for him, but even if you were continuing a relationship with him, it’s NOT your duty or responsibility to be his grief counselor. There are professionals for that. It kills you a little bit inside to have to listen to someone you love mourn someone else. However, given the fact that this guy flat-out lied to your face about many important details for over a year, he doesn’t deserve another second of your time.
Thanks soo much guys. I’m so glad that I found this blog. I’d tried talking to my friends about this situation and no one really seemed to understand and it was only then that I’d realized that noone I knew had ever dated someone that was widowed. A part of me was struggling with wanting to be understanding that discussing his late wife is difficult for him, but the fact that he lied to me trumped any sympathy I had for him. For a year I’d been unknowingly visiting him at the house him and his lw purchased together, I’d been rubbing his back thinking how sweet of a guy he was to put the tattoo in memory of this dad, when really the memorial tattoo for his late wife was in my face the whole time. I appreciate the comments so much. This situation had sent me on a search to find more information about dating a widower/widow and I always found that even though not all of the situations were perfect, it was a fact that was presented up front. Thanks again soooo much for all the advice
Marissa, I’m so sorry this has happened. Here is another reason to stay away from this truth slayer. Offering to “be there” for a guy who has been a jerk is sometimes a very slippery slope to a quasi getting back together. Why put yourself in that dangerous position? Really, a year of lies is enough.
Nobody should have to do double duty as the one who has been wronged and as the consoler to the one who has done you wrong.
Put yourself and your needs first. Move on with your life and surround yourself with people who make you joyful.
Marisssa, the dude has issues. It may, just may, have been OK for him to come to you and confess that he hid his status because he had been previously rejected by women precisely and only because he was a W, and that he didn’t want to lose you. That’s not the higher-road case. It is quite another thing to live the lie and then come suddenly unglued in a rant about an old friend not going to W’s funeral. You certainly were not the priority in that case. I can’t imagine how you felt as he spewed out about his best bud weekend gone bad with him not realizing what his ‘spilling the truth’ would do to YOU (forget the best bud).
Dear woman I wonder if this guy, liar or not, would ever get his head on straight enough to make a new woman feel #1.
Move on.
@ Ted and Karen, thanx so much for responding. According to him, I was the second woman that he’d told and he was disappointed in my reaction because as I mentioned earlier, I’d only reacted to the fact that he lied to me. I’d never even he had an opportunity to react to the fact that he was telling me he’d been married before. He then went on to tell me that he has to be more careful with sharing his personal information.I felt like I had a right to know that he’d been married before, and honestly couldn’t see myself excusing the lies had he’d simply been divorced and not widowed.
Anything I know about his late wife is only because after he’d told me, I went to google. I searched his last name and first I looked for his orginal hometown, thinking she had to be from there because when I asked him how he ended up in the town we live in now, he told me work had brought him here. However, I searched our state and there it was in black and white-her name, her picture, and her leaving “her loving husband XXXXXX”.
I’ve ended things with XXXXX shortly after I found out, but couldn’t help feeling very hurt and upset at the fact that the lied to me, but also feeling a little guilty because he’d gone through something so horrible.
While we were dating, I felt like I was number 1 and HE even suggested to me that we date exclusively. I’d tried to explain to him that learning someone has been married before, especially being that I’m so young and have only had 1 relationship myself, will be difficult to learn, however the longer you wait to tell someone only increases the shock and hurt and if you’ve told lies to cover it then multiply that by 20, but he just didn’t seem to understand that his lying was wrong.
Even though I still think about him, I do think he has some issues to deal with, and hope for the future he manages to work them out.
Maybe it’s me, but there’s NO WAY ON EARTH I’d have a wedding ring in my face like Mary described. To me that is plain selfish and inconsiderate. If I knew about it before being intimate, we wouldn’t be making it to the intimate time. I have zero tolerance for memorial tatoos and rings. Sorry if many of you here don’t understand that. Widowed people, please put your wedding rings away if you are dating. If you can’t, YOU SHOULDN’T BE DATING. If someone isn’t into your tatoo like you are, accept it or do something about it. I just am dumfounded by all the things so many widowed people expect others to put up with and don’t “get it”. Many widowed individuals want two worlds: continue to grieve and date at the same time. Yes, grieving takes TIME. THEREFORE, don’t date until you have grieved. Why is so hard to wait to wait at LEAST a year? Give the grief the time it deserves and then date. Too many widowed people are out there dating and hurting very sincere people due to their selfishness and not having their widowed act together. And if you do date, don’t wear the ring, don’t say I love you, don’t date exclusively, don’t give mixed messages, don’t have intimate encounters until you are really ready to move on. Anything short of that is selfish. Sorry, many of you won’t like this post.
Yeah, the rings would be a killer for me too – if you can’t just take it off while you’re with me, you’re married, and I don’t get with married men. That’s the symbolic power of your choice to wear it, on your hand or on a chain.
(My husband told me much later that he was a few minutes late for our first date because he hadn’t taken the ring off for years and his fingers had grown, and he had a terrible time getting it off).
@Karen, can’t speak for anyone else, but I liked your post! Agree with every sentiment you expressed.
I get that ending a relationship through death is different from ending one through divorce or disinterest or whatever the cause. But starting a new one? How the last one ended should not become part and parcel of the new one. I wouldn’t tolerate a single or divorced man being in a relationship with me and pining for another woman (alive or deceased) … why would my needs and expectations be any different based on a former widower? How someone else’s past relationship ended really isn’t relevant in what I expect from a commitment/marriage. It’s really that simple. No emotional three-ways please. And I’ll pass on the symbolic gestures that speak to said emotional threeways (wearing rings, displaying romantic photos, etc. etc. – insert behavior here).
That’s not to say that someone who has gone through the hell of losing a spouse doesn’t have the right to say, do or feel those things. Of COURSE they do. I’m sure in those shoe, I would do, think and feel the same. But, that doesn’t give the person the right to make a half ___’d commitment to someone new while they’re still in love with someone else.
So, I’m right there with ya! And I assure you, anytime the proverbial shoe has changed feet and my husband was in a position to deal with the idea of my past relationships and my feelings for another man, he was not even remotely “senstiive about my feelings” or “understanding about my need to honor my past.” He wants 100% from me, period. And he should. But he doesn’t get a pass on those same expectations just b/c of the circumstances of HOW his past relationship ended.
@Kathy, LOL, that’s cute, him being late b/c he was making sure he took that off first!
This is a subject very near and dear to my heart. My husband has a tattoo of his LW of her face on his arm. At first, like many of you, it didn’t bother me because it was prior to my dating him, overtime, as I fell more and more in love with him, it did begin to bother me.
We were making love and when I looked over and saw the tattoo it nearly turned my stomach. After reading this blog, my feelings were validated and he and I had a discussion about it. I didn’t ask him to remove it, I simply stated how it made me feel.
My husband always makes me feel like #1, and he stated that he will remove it because it serves no purpose in his present life.
Iam a widower. Lost my wife a little over a year ago. I have 2 memorial tatts, and yes they are like scares. I dated a few times, but it gets really hard because i have 2 kids. My daughter is twelve, nuff said? My kids look out for me, so it has been said. The kids can be tough to deal with. Thats why i really dont date. For me, it gets a little tough for everybody, ok for my date. Any advise?
John Paul,
You are living, therefore, you deserve to LIVE. The memorial tats are going to cause a problem. The won’t be initially because whomever, you meet will see them at first as a part of your life and understanding you. However, over time as feelings change, the tattoos will be a constant reminder of your love for another woman. My husband is in the process of having his removed now. We are a dynamic couple, however, the tattoos coming in our bed with us were an albatross for our relationship.
Of course, your children will not understand your dating, however, you must make them realize that your dating and possible falling in love does not take away or detract from their mother. If you don’t choose life, you will condemn yourself amongst the living dead. When your late wife passed away, you fulfilled your vows. You are now a single man. LIVE.
My W doesn’t have a tat however he wears his LW’s wedding ring and engagment ring around his neck…When he’s dressed, you can’t even tell it’s there…but when we’re being intimate, it’s literally smacking me in the face. It bugs the crap out of me. We’ve only been dating for 4months, so I don’t expect him to just toss it due to me…but eventually I would hope he puts it away. Maybe in a safe or hope chest.
Heather,
If he has made the decision to be intimate with you, then he should have made the decision to remove the ring. Over time, you will begin resenting him if you don’t speak up. You need to speak up so that you can see for yourself where his head and heart are. If he becomes defensive, he may not be ready to move on. Bottom line, you owe it to yourself, and your sanity to know.
My guy has a big tattoo on the inside of his right arm, it spells out his LW’s name in Hindu. Whilst on our first holiday someone said….oh Carol to me…he was Hindu! It was awkward to say the least. People always ask him what it means..or if it means anything. It’s big, in my face and a constant reminder, I find it uncomfortable. I agree the issue may not just be the tattoo but all the other challenges we are faced with, but it doesn’t help! I feel I am going insane on lots of levels, tattoos, LW’s friends, being called Carol by my boyfriends mum three times lately. I’m on my last legs, tired, exhausted in fact, weak, insecure and finding the whole relationship very hard work….but, I do love him,
I am a widower and it has been a year now. I am young at heart and have turned 50 which in my world young. My husband was my best friend and lover and was my one and only. Due to not being a fortune teller I do not know my future. But, I do know I will never forget or not have my husband apart of my life or my childrens lives. So, if I were to get a tattoo in memory of my husband it will be in good taste and something that ALL can except and understand that he is my life and always will be though we move on in life. True love again who knows had true love most definetely and I am not ashamed or will ever change that. It would be my first tattoo and yes I will do it a memorial tattoo in good taste. In a way that I will be the only one to know what it is as well as my children and if I am lucky enough to have love twice in life that person would be a loving person of understanding anyway.
[...] March 9 | Memorial Tattoos [...]
There are many situations where people regret tattooing their bodies. People mature and realize that the tattoos of their youth are no longer appropriate in the adulthood. Tastes and styles and social norms change.
I’m not sure why anyone would want to get a tattoo to memorialize any non-permanent ideal. Your children will always be yours. Your parents and grand parents will always be yours. Even then, why a tattoo? A tattoo of a spouse or GF/BF makes no sense at all. Get her a stone in a nice cemetery.
Elizabeth! Your post was wonderful! People absolutely do not understand until they are in the situation of being a WOW….you explained it the best!!!