Widower Wednesday: Marrying a Widower Chapter 1
April 18th, 2012 | 38 comments
Below is the first chapter of Marrying a Widower: What You Need to Know Before Tying the Knot. The book will be available later this month in paperback and all major ebook formats. You can pre-order a personalized copy here.
Chapter 1: The End Game
Widowers become involved in serious relationships for different reasons. Some miss the late wife and want someone to “be there” to help alleviate the empty feeling in their lives. Others want someone who will be on call for an occasional roll in the hay, to cook their meals, or to babysit their kids. And, believe it or not, there are even widowers who are looking for someone they can spend the rest of their lives with. Whatever his reason for wanting a relationship, it’s important that you both have the same end game in mind. For example, if you want to get married, but he prefers living together, or he’d be happy with a nebulous, open-ended friendship, you’re going to waste months or years of your life with someone who’s never going to give you the love and happiness you deserve.
While it’s important to be on the same page in any relationship, it’s doubly important to make sure a widower has the same relationship goals. Many men will settle for a relationship with a woman they don’t love simply because they’re lonely. Almost every widower I’ve talked to has, at some point, started a serious relationship because they wanted companionship. These widowers keep the relationship going until they tire of it or until someone better comes along. They leave behind lots of broken hearts and women who feel used.
Sadly, I’ve made this very mistake. Less than a year after my wife, Krista, took her own life, I became serious with a good friend named Jennifer. I promised her the world and implied a life of happiness together. I started that relationship because my heart ached for companionship, and having someone in my life who wasn’t a perfect fit was still a hundred times better than being alone.
When things started to get serious with Jennifer, I thought I loved her—or at least, I had strong feelings that I thought would turn into love. It was nice to have someone to talk to and a warm body to hold, even if I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. As time went on and my feelings for her only become more ambivalent, I tried to convince myself that I loved her. I rationalized my lack of love toward her as a sign that I was still grieving. All I needed, I thought, was more time to grieve, and things would eventually work out. It wasn’t until Julianna came along that I realized I never really loved Jennifer in the first place.
If you want to avoid being the woman who gets used by a lonely widower, you need to make absolutely sure you and he both want to get married—to each other. The sooner you can do that, the better off you’ll both be.
There are several ways to know how the widower really feels about you. The best and most obvious way is through his actions—not his words. If he always treats you like a queen, it’s a good sign that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But more often than not, a widower will send mixed signals. For example, he may call you every day, but still have photographs of the late wife all over the house. Or he may wine and dine you every night, but won’t stop talking about the late wife and the fantastic life they shared together. This makes it hard for a woman to know where she stands.
Find time when the two of you can have a serious conversation about where you see the relationship going. This can be a scary step, because there’s always a chance the widower may not give you the answer you want. But knowing the truth, even if you don’t like it, is better than wasting part of your life with someone who is with you because he doesn’t want to be alone.
Keep in mind that one talk probably won’t do it, either. Julianna and I had several big talks at different points in our relationship. We had our first conversation about six weeks after becoming exclusive, another when Julianna realized I was still wearing a necklace with Krista’s ring on it, a third when I accidently called Julianna by Krista’s name, and a fourth during a six-hour drive home from a marathon she ran. There were probably lots of smaller talks in between, too. Sometimes I found them uncomfortable, because Julianna was worried about whether I was really ready to commit. However, because we were able to openly discuss what we wanted from the relationship, our discussions helped us move toward our goal of marriage. Knowing that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me made it easier for me to make room in my heart for her. It also helped me focus on starting a new life with her and served as a gut check to ensure it was something I really wanted to do. The more we talked about marriage, the more excited we became about taking a walk down the aisle together. So when I finally did ask Julianna to marry me, the proposal itself wasn’t a total surprise. We’d talked enough that she knew I’d eventually ask her to marry me, and that when I did, she would say “Yes!”
How Soon Should You Have the Talk?
Over the years, I’ve had people ask me how long they should wait before having this talk with the widower. The truth is, there’s no set timeframe. As a rule of thumb, if you’ve been seriously dating for several months and you can see yourself marrying him, there’s nothing wrong with bringing up the subject—and it doesn’t matter how long the late wife has been dead, either. Julianna and I had our first “Where is this relationship going?” talk about a month after we started dating seriously, about nine months after I became a widower.
Don’t worry about having the talk too soon and scaring him away. You’re both adults, and you should be able to have adult conversations. Talking about the future isn’t a proposal. It doesn’t mean you have to get married the next day. It’s better to know sooner, rather than later, if you both want to get married, so you can work toward that goal or move on with your lives.
Know What You Want Before You Talk
Before you talk about your future together, it’s vital that you know where you see the relationship going. Do you want to get married, or do you want something more casual? If you can’t clearly define what you want from the relationship, don’t bring up the subject until you can. It’s unfair to the widower to expect him to talk about a possible future together if you don’t know what you want.
Beware of the Grief Card
Widowers willing to settle for companionship with women they don’t love will often play the grief card when talks about the future arise. They’ll say things like they’re still grieving, or that they need more time before they can figure out what they want. If a single or divorced man said something similar, most women would hesitate to take the relationship any further. Widowers, however, tend to be given more leniency when it comes to opening their hearts, and a woman will move forward despite the widower’s inability to articulate how he really feels about her and the relationship.
The truth is, widowers know how they feel about the woman they’re with. Those who know they want to get married again don’t have a hard time saying it—even if they’re still mourning the late wife. I dated Julianna less than a year after Krista’s death. My heart was still tender, and I was still grieving. There were times before or after a date with Julianna when I’d cry my eyes out. Despite being an emotional wreck at times, I knew I didn’t want to spend my life with anyone but Julianna. I also knew that the only thing keeping us from getting married was my own sorrow and sadness, so I worked as hard as I could to forgive Krista and move on with my life. I did it because I knew that the reward of taking Julianna by the hand and exchanging vows would be well worth it. Widowers who feel the same way about you will do the same. A widower unable to make room in his heart for the woman he’s dating has no business being involved in a serious relationship.
Widowers Act How They Really Feel
Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between widowers looking for companionship and those who want to get married. The best way to know how he really feels about you is to pay attention to his actions, not his words. Any widower can proclaim his love, or say he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Only a widower who really loves you will treat you like the only woman he’s ever loved. Widowers who talk a good talk, but don’t really have your best interests in mind, will eventually betray themselves through their own actions.
When I was dating Jennifer, I said lots of wonderful things I didn’t mean. For a while, I was able to back up my sweet nothings with actions: I called her every night, flew down to see her on a regular basis (we lived several hundred miles apart), and sent her emails throughout the day. But eventually, I couldn’t put the physical effort into the story I’d weaved. I stopped calling her as often, made excuses why I couldn’t fly down, and sent fewer and fewer emails. Despite this, I continued to tell her that we had a future together, and she continued to believe it.
If you have any doubt about how the widower really feels about you, pay close attention to how he treats you. Those who are sincere about tying the knot will align their actions with their words. They’ll do everything in their power to make you feel like the only woman they’ve ever loved. Widowers who are in relationships for their own selfish reasons will be able to put on an act for only so long. With these men, sooner or later, you feel like you’re competing with a ghost.
Have the Courage to Walk Away
If you believe he doesn’t have the same relationship goals as you do, don’t be afraid to walk away. Some women hold on to a relationship that’s not going anywhere because they think the widower will change his mind or eventually grow to love them. Don’t fall into this trap. Love doesn’t work that way. If he can’t fall in love with you after several months or so of serious dating, he never will.
Never settle for a relationship with anyone who can’t give you top billing in his heart and mind. If you settle for second place, you’ll never be truly happy. Life is too short to waste on someone who can’t treat you like you deserve to be treated. If you wait for the widower to come to his senses, the relationship will eventually end, and you’ll have nothing to show for it. Have the courage to walk away. You’re a queen and deserve to be treated as such.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I prefer to think of myself as a goddess as opposed to a queen. Perhaps it’s all a matter of semantics.
LOL! Yes, semantics. If he treats you like a goddess, that’s fine too.
I am so glad you wrote about where the woman wants to take the relationship. Many times this isn’t even considered, you really have to know what you want before expecting anything from your W. It isn’t fair to him to be put in that position. Not all women want marriage after a certain age.
Agreed. Both people in a relationship have to be on the same page or else they’re just wasting each others time.
Excellent!!! just don’t have enough words to tell you how many women you have helped and will continue to with this great book!!! Well done!!!
Thanks, Lawrn.
Abel,
When is the approximate shipping date?
KT
It will be available online (paperback and ebook) in the next 48 hours. Personalized copies will ship around May 1.
Your first chapter made a lot of sense. I have been with my widower for two years. We are both busy professionals and see each other each weekend and talk each night. He talks of the future all the time. But neither of us have talked of marriage. I guess I need to be honest and ask where we are going next. He treats me like a queen. I just want to know there is a clear path to the next chapter. Thanks for giving me food for thought. I can;t wait to read your entire book.
You have cleared up a lot of issues/concerns I have had lately.
My widower friend & I just got an app’t together.
The move was a night-mare. He left me stranded with
moving myself. After moving in, I made sure he new exactly
how I felt about the move, his agitation and verbal
abuse, controling behavior would have to stop immediately
Or this will not work out. He finally listened
so I thought. We began unpacking and he was getting agitated
and v. attacking again, I walked out after he put 2 8×10
Blowups of his deceased wife in our bedroom
and in our Living Room, with a 3×4 of us to the far left.
I stayed away at a bookstore and found you on my
Phone actually and ordered “Dating…Wid.
I was finding at bedtime he got nice but during the
day he went back into blaming me for things, that had
nothing to do with me, and accusatory behavior.
I decided to do for myself what I needed to do
and just manage until he would sit down like a Mature
Adult of 65 and share with me his goals and mine.
They seemed to change all of a sudden.
I feel still like a 3 rd party, and it hurts.
This was to be a new journey for both of us, a fun one,
he wanted to make me happy. I’m sad, disappointed and feel
Out in left field with him. Stories of his wife were ok for awhile but
Comparisons, no way allowed! I won’t wear her esrings, etc. it was disgusting to me! I told him he would have
To give a lot of his wife’s things to his 42 yr daughter.
The rest of the things I would help him give away.
But, he started in packing and putting out and up everything of
His previous wife’s memorabillar. I began spending
my time elsewhere, tutoring, going for tea with friends.
Coming back not knowing what I would be confronted
with. I decided to sleep on the couch until further
Notice.
We are speaking, he acts like nothing is wrong. He just says
You still sleeping out there. Yes…
I had to get a loan, due to finances, he’s upset he had
To go in to his Savings to move! He knows 3 strikes, I’m
Gone. The bangingof doors has stoppedso far,
agitation still there but not directed at me.
Control issues-there’s been nothing to control.
Verbal abuse zero thus far. On May 1st I will present
a requirement again(3x) that we need to dicuss finances,
Both our expectations out of this moving in together
(that I was not keen on), what we want together to make
Both of us happy together. It still seems his stuff/my stuff not
We or our stuff. I reminded him of this before!
I know I have to be firm, clear as to what I want to happen,
Because it is not. What he plans to do about it/us.
It’s always a better plan to make your expectations known before moving in together. It’s harder to undo misconceptions after the fact.
The thing about laying cards on the table though is that once you do, you have to be prepared to take action if things don’t change. That’s the hard part b/c as women, we are very good at letting things slid and giving too many second chances b/c we are afraid of walking away.
But as I have told my grown daughters, loving someone means accepting who they are right now not who you hope they might turn into if they just changed a few things about themselves. Loving someone’s potential or a relationships potential is a recipe for heartache.
People do grow and change, of course, but it’s not wise to make that a prerequisite for loving them.
Good luck.
to Judi P – please email the author for a link on FB for a group of us who support each other going thru widower issues. It is a safe place, you are so not alone. There are people there that can give you the strength to get out ASAP if that is what you want, and from your post it sounds like maybe cut your losses now, you deserve so much more than this. Again the FB page is locked down, private and very very helpful.
can you give me the FB link?
Here you go!
Judi — I don’t see a point in staying in this relationship. Why not get out of it?
Thank you Abel i met my partner and we have a 16 year differ
I married a widower, I have been married for almost for years. I ask my husband if he loves me and he says yes that he wouldnt have married me if he didnt. He talks about his wife who passed to me alot. But im not sure if its that or if its because I have to here the same storeys all the time. Feeling like a shadow wife hurts so deep. Ive tryed talking to my husband but he wont talk about it. He makes sure that i have everything i need. but its not about material things. I just want him to love me for who i am. I get sick to think that maybe he only married me because he didnt want to be alone. I wait on this man hand and foot but it seems like anything i do is never good enough. I love him with all my heart. I have to hear him tell of his wifes death to people even people we meet after awhile it started getting to me so i said why do you keep doing that. He said he liked the sympathy and I said its making me depressed and he said to bad. I have changed inside my heart and i hate it. When i hear about someone who goes on and on about someone who has passed its like in my heart its saying good greif get over it will you life is to short. I lost my mom and dad and grandma so I know what death is . I loved them very much and miss them but i dont have to grieve everyday. not sure if any of this makes since. I hope that my husband will one day see that i am a good wife and that he wont always treat me like a 3rd wheel….
Terri, is your W up for some marriage counseling?
No Abel he isnt.. So I asked if I could go and he said no that I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear
Being married to a widower with ADULT kids..This has also been a very hard one. I have tryed being there friend. Im not trying anymore. Things that have been said to me.
Since being married by his Adult Kids.
Why dont I get a job they feel im reaping the rewards of there mothers death. I had 3 jobs when i married there dad. He didnt want me to work.
They blame him my husband for there mother dieing because he should have helped her more. The daughter and her husband came here and stayed for the weekend. She told me i should rent the place across the street and then went through the freezer and said it needed to be cleaned out along with the cuboards. Her husband talks bad of my husband all the time and then says if i say anything he will deny it. this has been going on for so long. When i told my husband some of the things they said he says he dont want to here it he knows his kids and would neversay anything like that. Well im not a liar. Sad isnt it. To have fallen in love with someone where you have to always here about the late wife and the ADULT kids not even giving you a chance. Im worn out to be honest. will i leave my husband no i love him. i get sick to my stomack when his Adult Step daughter and her husband come around. I can only ask God to help me get over all the drama that seems to be in this family thank you for letting me vent Im going to get your book
Terri — Sorry to hear his adult children are such jerks. Odds are it’s something your husband could put an end too. Sadly, it doesn’t look like he has any interest in doing that.
May I ask how long you kept your wedding ring around your neck? How long would you say is long enough? This Friday is 1 year that I’ve been with my W. I have been living with him for 6 months now. His FB status still says married to LW and he still wears his wedding band around his neck.
The wedding ring thing depends on the person and widowed are often encouraged by peers, family and friends to wear it for as long as they like b/c it’s “respectful”.
It’s not, of course, respectful of anyone they date, live with or marry and I have observed that many women feel selfish to point this out and insist on its removal.
In a relationship, both people’s feelings should carry equal weight and neither should be fearful of bringing up an issue. In the ring case though there isn’t really a neat compromise. The ring has to come off. It’s a symbol that speaks too loudly to everyone who sees it and it says – I’m still carrying a torch. Widowed will argue this point but their reasons don’t really hold up well.
If the ring bothers you, tell him and ask him to take it off. The FB status is the same thing. If it says married to the dead spouse or widowed – it tells ppl that how the person views themselves. Regardless of whatever excuse is offered.
The longer you let issues like this go, the harder it is to resolve them because -as someone mentioned earlier – widowed often learn how to be widowed from other widowed and the community itself perpetuates a lot of self-serving nonsense about what is and isn’t okay behavior for moving on, dating and remarriage. Staying silent and hoping the widower will “catch a clue” is more likely to be seen by him as your being okay with the things that really are bugging you.
I took my ring off right away b/c I knew I would be dating again and that the ring was a tie to my late husband that no longer existed in reality.
My husband was not wearing a ring either when we began dating.
If someone is having trouble making the live person he is with a clear priority of the dead person who isn’t coming back – it’s a sign that should be heeded and a discussion that needs to be had. Good luck.
Wow – thanks, Annie. You’ve really brought up some great points. It looks like it’s going to be a long weekend of discussions……and seeing what lies ahead. Communication is key and we do not take advantage as often as we need to! Thanks again!
We’ve been married almost five years now. We have two grown kids and one young child, and I would say that we are a pretty awesome couple with pretty awesome kids. And really, it’s because we can talk to each other about anything. Communication really is key. Mind reading is only something that happens in sci-fi movies. Hope everything turns out well for you.
Paula,
I removed the ring about 10 months after Krista passed. I did it because I realized MG didn’t like it and was taking it as a sign that I wasn’t ready to move on. We had been seriously dating about 2-3 months at that point.
[...] a Widower is now available in paperback and all major ebook formats. You can read the first chapter here. Thanks to all those who contributed stores, served as beta readers, or otherwise helped make the [...]
To Paula
Dont hold your breath if he still has it on he maynot take it off. To me when you hook up with a widower you now become a 3rd wheel its never going to be just your relationship its going to be all 3 of yours. its been 5 years and my husband still refers to his late wife as his wife and at times he calls me by her name. my husband likes to say im jelious but im not. the proublem is thats all he talks about.. where do i get to fit in . im good enough to wait on him hand and foot to do everything around his home and how does he help he doesnt. I wish you the best. I for one will never ever marry a widower again. If i wanted to here someone whine everyday for the last 5 years i would have had a dog
@Terri, if you check back and see this, I hope you will go to counseling for yourself. I never had to deal with feeling like a 3rd wheel or anything less than the woman my FW (no DH) loved deeply and passionately. Abel is correct, if a man loves you, he will move heaven and earth to make your relationship the best it can be and he will show you by his deeds and his words how much he values you. I’ve been married just over a year and we’ve been together nearly 4. I have 2 adult SDs; one is okay and the other hates me and that I am married to her dad. Everything we do or have done, including not putting pictures of his LW up in our home, she sees as disrespectful. My H tried everything he could to help her but she prefers to be awful. We have reached a point where he has told her that either we sit down and talk this stuff out until we reach a point where we can all be civil, or she can’t be in his life because he will not allow her to treat his wife with disrespect.
Get some therapy for yourself, see if your H will get some with you and then consider your options. You only get one life, don’t waste it or yourself on someone who treats you with disrespect. That is not love. Best to you.
“a man who loves you will move mountains to show you how he feels and a man’s actions are worth more than a thousand of his words”.
Exactly.
Abel has also said that he will make you feel like you are the only woman he has ever loved…..
Abel,
I have been seeing a wonderful W for several months now. I truely feel he is over his late wife and we are creating a wonderful relationship together. Yet I feel like I am dealing with some very new issues I have never had to before. Let me give you a little back ground. I am divorced with two boys 9 and 15. The W has two girls 20 and 17, the late wife was an alcholic and maybe bipoloar. There marriage as you can guess was not very good and the late wife ended up killing herself. I most of the time can deal with the fact that this poor family has gone thru alot. But some time I feel kind of jealous of a dead woman who was from what I hear really was messed up. I know that Sounds really silly!
I guess, I don’t want his girls to ever think I am try to replace their Mom or disrespect her but some times it is really hard to be at there house and see pics of the W with his deseased wife and the kids or things around the house that were hers. I know that they are important to the girls and I would never want to take away from those few good memeories they might have of their Mom. I know that my W leaves them a few things out (not alot) for the girls sake as he has nothing of hers or pics of her that I am aware of in his bedroom. I am sure this is all normal feelings, they are just very new to me and not sure how to take them. Any suggestions would be greatly appreiciated!!
SJ
SJ — You’re feelings are typical and normal. A lot of what I tell people next depends on how long they’ve been dating a W and how serious the relationship is.
You really can’t tell what the W should or should not display in his home unless you’re married to him and moving in. Hopefully at some point he’ll move a lot of that stuff to his girls’s rooms and make certain parts more inviting for you. It’s a good sign that the bedroom is LW free, however.
As for the kids, that’s a bit trickier. A lot of the issues or bad feelings toward you (if any) might be better handled by the W. However, might I suggest if you’re serious enough with the W and comfortable enough with the girls, letting them know that you’re not out to replace their mom but that you love them and enjoy spending time with them. (Something like that.)
Those are the thoughts off the top of my head. . .
We are in our 60s and the LW died of cancer.
When we went to the woman priest ( Episcopal) who was going to officiate at our wedding, my W talked a lot about the LW. This led the priest to point out that he was talking more about her than about me. She then reminded him that in the marriage ceremony, we make a vow to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS.
This got his attention because he is a faithful churchgoer.
Now two years afterward, things are going pretty well. The only thing that concerns me is that he still keeps a lot of “stuff” such as bric-a-brac he gave her, their “special china” etc.
I told him it doesn’t belong in our house ( we have plenty of bric-a-brac and china) , so he keeps it in a storage unit along with their wedding pictures and so forth.
I don’t know if I should be concerned or just let it go. He can afford the storage fees.
If he keeps it in a storage unit, I don’t see a problem with it. Just be concerned about how he treats you and if you feel comfortable in your home.
Oh, and the Episcopal priest gave you guys great advice.
If he can’t fall in love with you after several months or so of serious dating, he never will.
We have been together for nine months. Knowing each other as friends for several years. Seriously dating and living together every second weekd. He’s making plans for lifetime with me. However, I still haven’t heard that he loves me. I am getting little bit affraid that I could never hear that. I aksed him about month ago how he felt about me. He replied tah if he had felt nothing he would not have been with me for such a long time. A spoke to my councellor on that issue and was assured that there is no specific time limit and I need to wait next several months. It’s going to be tough time for me. I totally dislike the idea of spending life without love just because out of the mutual fear of loneliness?
[...] April 18 | Marrying a Widower Chapter 1 [...]