Widower Wednesday: Lying Widowers
February 9th, 2011 | 31 comments
One of the first dates I went out on after my late wife died was with a gorgeous redhead I met via an online dating site. We had exchanged maybe a dozen emails before deciding to meet and go out. Though she was aware of my widower status, it wasn’t something we had discussed in much detail.
We met at a local restaurant and for the first 20 minutes or so things were going okay. However, I noticed there were times it looked like she was trying to get the courage to say something or ask me a question. Since I was new to the dating thing, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Instead of giving her some time to ask it or asking her what was on her mind, I kept asking her questions about herself or make small talk. Instead of helping, it just seemed to make her more uncomfortable.
Finally, near the end of the meal, she blurted out “How long have you been a widower?”
The question she had wanted to ask all night was finally out in the open. And, to be honest, it was the one question I didn’t want to answer—at least not on our first date.
I looked down and waited a moment before telling her. I wasn’t counting how long it had been since Krista died. I didn’t have to. Instead, I was trying to guess how she’d react when I told her that my late wife had only been dead five months. It seemed whenever women found out how soon I was dating a brief look of panic crossed their face and I could see them wondering how on earth a man could be dating so soon. (I didn’t blame them for feeling this way. I spent a lot of time wondering why I was dating so soon too.)
As much as I wanted to tell her that my wife had been dead a long, long time so she would feel I had adequate time to grieve, I knew that I couldn’t lie to her. If the relationship was to have any chance at turning into something serious, I’d have to tell her the truth.
I answered my date’s question honestly and from the way her eyes popped out of her head, I knew there wasn’t going to be a second date. We ended the evening with a handshake and I never heard from the redhead again.
I share this story because I had two emails this week that dealt with widowers either lying about their marital status or lying about how long their late wife had been dead. One woman who emailed me asked if she should be worried that the widower has represented himself as divorced instead of a widower. The second woman wanted to know if it was a red flag that the widower said his late wife had been dead a year when the truth was she had been dead two months. In both cases, the women had entered somewhat serious relationships with widower before the truth finally emerged. I suggested both women immediately end the relationship.
Successful relationships can’t be built upon lies—small or big. The truth always comes out eventually. While it’s possible these widowers were worried the truth about their marital status would ruin any chance at a future relationship, my gut says that wasn’t the case since they seemed content to continue living a lie until they were finally confronted with the truth.
If a widower can’t be honest about his marital status, there are probably a lot of other things he’s lying about too. While some widower infractions may warrant a second chance, widowers who build relationships on a foundation of deceit don’t deserve one more second of your time. It’s better to get out of these kinds of relationships as soon as possible instead of having to untangle yourself from a bigger web of lies down the road.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I think we often say how long it’s been since our spouse died, and wait for the judgment. We expect judgment, because we are constantly criticizing our decisions on dating after the death of our spouse. I believe in honesty though.
The difference btwn men and women, I guess. In my brief dating stint (I was about six-ish months out when I began seeking dates again), not a single guy asked me how long my husband had been dead. Not one. And I never volunteered b/c I was well aware of the social prejudice against those who didn’t wait at least a year before they began dating again.
Length of time really has no bearing on ability to form a new relationship, but we are taught – incorrectly – by the grief industry that there are magic steps and waiting periods that will make dating/remarriage easier. Not true.
I can understand why the gentlemen lied. People will lie when they feel that the truth is no one’s business or that it unfairly puts them at a disadvantage. In relationships though, lying is going to come back and bite you hard.
A woman is well within her rights to call a halt. Unfair perhaps if the widower was simply trying to avoid judgment, but when asked a direct question, an honest answer is required.
@Annie — That’s really interesting how no one guy asked you how long your LH had been gone. I can’t think of a woman I dated where it didn’t come up either on the first date or beforehand through emails, phone calls, etc. I’m trying to mentally put myself in the position of dating a widow and seeing if I’d care or not. but I think my own experience makes me unable to do it objectivly.
@Annie and Brenda — Yeah, the judgement part was something I really hated when I was dating even though I felt inside I was ready to take that next step. Glad that dating part is over. Sometimes when people hear my story the judgement part still comes. Oh well, such is life.
I dated quite quickly after my wife passed away. Every time this question came up, I found the girl doing exactly what Abel encountered…runnin for the hills. Along with voicing their opinions on how its too early or they couldn’t do it. I never thought about lieing about it. The only thing I did was do a bit of testing online with the Widow vs Single status. Did not really feel comfortable with putting Single. Its like putting photos when you were more fit up when you don’t look a thing like that anymore.
I agree with Abel. If a guy is lieing about it. He probably has some other issues also. The judging side sucks. But were all human and judge from our own experiences. Most young people have not lost the one they love to death and can’t relate. So they only say what they “Think” they’d do. Put them thru it and it would be different. I know what I thought I’d do when my wife passed away from her disease vs what I’ve done are two completely different things.
Just my thoughts…bottom line..Lieing widowed or non widowed is still lieing. Not a good way to start a relationship
@Abel, the judgment thing just felt presumptuous and it chafed. People without any idea of what it was life to loss a spouse presuming to impose their ideas of proper behavior on me or people who did know, presuming that all loss scenarios and moving on time-frames are the same.
But lying about it? I never lied, but I did my best to steer conversation away from how long it had been b/c I worried about the reaction, so I can see where the temptation to lie would be high – especially if a person is being routinely dismissed as a dating prospect as a result.
I was lied to by a widower and I am a widow myself .For me it had been about eight months and he was about four or five months .. We met on facebook thru a grieving site like this one.. We began to exchange emails He promised me first lets make a pact we will help each other out of grief . I did not ask for it but it made me feel good in my grief and some man would help me .. Then after a few weeks he sent me the picture of a pier and said lets make a pact one day we will walk there and talk there . What else did I want to hear .. He gave me his phone number one day I felt brave and said Ok beings we have made a pact i would want you to have mine in case it is the middle of the night and you are grieving keeping hte pact but I am not ready to talk now .. he immediately texted me with a smile He flirted with me openly on facebook in small ways . Then when I was ready to talk on the phone He backed way way off .. He quit writing .. It broke my already broken heart … I dont know why it still hurts .. It made my judgement radar go way up . I had misjudged him thought he was a good guy .. I wasnt ready for a relationship but a litle crush on my hero .. We even had names for each other we called each other . It was so bad and hurtful It makes me wonder that men arent just creeps and I had found in my Terry my deceased the only honest one on earth I knew i had met plenty before I met Terry and Terry was good and honest and didnt lie
I think widowers are a different breed and I would not want to get involved with one althought i thought at first that would be the perfect relationship you would understand each other .. I just hurt over this guy who hurt me and wont explain himself except one email saying he wanted solitude .. While he quit talking to me he started deleting our widow widower friens one by one off of facebook starting with my best friend it was like he was a sharpshooter knocking them off even ones that were needing such friendship .. my story
Ok, is everyone gonna hate on me if I say “it depends?” Lol
I agree that honesty is paramount, and I (almost always) take a pretty hard stance about it. But, there can sometimes be reasons why a person would lie that aren’t always with deceit or treachery in mind…. as several folks mentioned above, sometimes it’s to avoid being judged, sometimes it’s born of insecurity, etc. While the majority of the time I’d say lying is a deal breaker, I think there can sometimes be value in looking at the factors involved.
When my husband and I first married, there were a few occasions where he was untruthful with me, on a few different topics. And yes, it caused one HECK of a ruckus in our marriage – dark times. But the more we first fought about it, then, later, talked openly and honestly about what led to it, I realized that he had been untruthful as a way of (a) in his mind, protecting my feelings, and (b) avoiding my and/or others’ anger.
Now I’m not saying either of those are ok, and I do agree lying is NOT acceptable. BUT, in this case, his lies actually brought out some underlying issues that needed to be talked through and resolved. He now knows that despite is “good?” intentions, that not telling me the truth spells disaster and ruin for our marriage. So, he tells the truth now. Even if it’s sometimes (a) what I don’t like hearing or (b) if it means he has to deal with the repercussions of either my or someone else’s anger or displeasure. It was a huge learning opportunity for both of us… and esp for him,… someone who’s gone through a lot of his adult life avoiding confrontation or unpleasant feelings this way.
So, to make a long story note quite so long
while the lies he told hurt – in retrospect, it also ultimately led to greater good, and we have a marriage that is now very firmly grounded on trust… not on avoiding problems or people pleasing. (Trust me, he makes me mad all the time now! ha!) Just my perspective, but, every once in awhile, it may be worth a second look / second chance. If, however, his lying had continued, or it had been covering up something ugly, I’m sure the outcome would have been much different for our marriage.
@Sara, I’m sorry for your loss and for the hurt you experienced with yourl online friend as well. I’m glad you had such a wonderful first marriage.. and I’m here to assure you that there are other really good guys out there too… when you feel ready, know that they’re out there.
I had a widower lie to me from the beginning. When I finally asked how long she had been gone, he told me several months, when in reality she was only gone a month. He was on a dating site 4 weeks after.
So by the time I was told “several months” I was already invested in the relationship & decided to continue. I finally had to google her name to find the actual date.
I basically wasted 18 months on someone that was never ready to move on. I realize that the grieving process is different for everyone, but I should have been given an honest answer and then I could have made an informed decision on weather to invest myself in a relationship with someone that could not commit.
@Elizabeth – LOL! We won’t have you for having your own opinion. Feel free to disagree. We all learn from each other’s experience.
For the examples mentioned above, I would have felt differently if the widowers confessed the truth after the first date and explained why they lied. If that was the case, I would have suggested that the women give him a second chance but keep their eyes wide open for more lies. But the widowers didn’t do that. They intentionally misrepresented their marital status or how long the LW had been dead and started serious relationships based on that. Even though I understand why they felt the need to do it, there’s no excuse for that kind of behavior.
@Sara and CM – Thanks for sharing your stories. Sadly it’s widowers who behave like that who give the good ones a bad name.
@Abel, thx, Lol. And I guess I shouldn’t sugar coat it quite as much as I did, b/c it did take a good while for my husband to re-establish trust with me as a result (even after I understood the “why” behind it.) So my explanation wasn’t to suggest that it wasn’t damaging to our marriage – - it definitely was. Just that sometimes, it can be a learning experience that eradicates the tendency to lie, instead of being a deal breaker. (I think I got lucky, b/c my past relationships with similar experiences did not work out so well.)
Thanks for providing a forum for us to share, Abel!
Honesty is the best policy. I had a few eHarmony matches go by the wayside I think because I was widowed specifically, but I was not on eHarmony until about 9 months after LW’s death. But the imposition of a timeline template on a man’s grief is, in my opinion, as wrong as lying. Who should judge when a man (or any person) has processed his grief? In some cases, doing so is an affront to the man’s religious beliefs. For example, my grief switch just turned off at about the 5 month mark when I reconnected with an old college flame. Our first date was at the 6 month mark. I had processed so much grief before the actual death as LW spiraled downward health-wise. I came to realize I guess at that 5 months mark that we was in a better place (that’s the faith part) and that I had a life to live. Was that disrespect? No. It was an affirmation in a way. An affirmation of continues earthly life and of the believe that my LW was in her afterlife reward. I also think that men process grief in a more linear manner. We grieve, sort things out, work from point A to point B. It is pain, it is grief, it is sadness, but when we arrive at that Point B and the ‘grief switch’ as I call it switches off, then it is like the door opening in the fallen farmhouse scene where Dorothy ventures out. The scene turns from black and white to full color and one is in a new land of sun and color. At least that’s how it happened to me. If I were presented with a direct question (as was in Abel’s case) I suppose I would answer honestly, but FIRST, preface my answer with a digest of what I have written above—-that I have come to realize that LW is in a better place and my role in life now is to move on.
Aplogiy for the above post error- — “I cam to realize…at that five months mark that we was in a better place (that’s the faith part) and that I had a life to live.”
Should be ” that SHE was in a better place (that’s the faith part) and that I had a life to live.”
Abel & Ted: I just admire both of you for just being who you are. You’re real – that sure means alot when I read these newsletters/posts. It helps give me direction in my situation with my widower. You guys help me understand to a point.
Thank you for that.
Warm thoughts,
My cousin passed away when she was in her mid twenties. She left four children . Within 2 weeks her husband was married again. I’d say that is really too soon. Not surprisingly, the new wife looked very similar to my cousin who had passed. They are now divorced but were married for a few years.
“Lying Widowers” that is an interesting title indeed.
I think, speaking as a divorced woman dating a widower, and an early grief one at that (three months), that the widows and widowers seem to be so focused on their perspective of how society is passing judgment on them that they may be missing an equally important point.
The point that no one dating a widow or widower wants to be hurt by them.
So yes, every serious and healthy relationship should be based on honesty, which in turn builds trust. It is still a rare enough phenomenon for someone to meet/date a widow/er that there is little info available and some of it is so skewed that it is not remotely helpful for those of us seeking insight. Friends and family simply do not understand the things that girlfriends of widowers deal with. And widowers seem to, for the most part, be in denial about it as well. While widowers are quick to say that they are ready to date, they do odd things like hide their relationships from family and some friends and their former in laws. They don’t take off their wedding rings, they keep urns indefinitely and some have shrines that are scary for us mere mortals who haven’t lost a spouse to death. Yet there out there dating. So it is clearly a process and not just something that happens just because this widower says I think I’m ready to rejoin the living and have some of my needs met again. It is an ongoing process that anyone dealing with it would at least hope that the man or woman who is widowed would at least be honest when asked about the details. Otherwise what is the point?
Honesty does matter. It is having the courage to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may that shows good character, isn’t it?
@ Elizabeth, I think so many widowers suffer from the “people pleasing” syndrome that your husband had. I wish I knew how to deal with this issue with the widower I was dating. I would like to hear more about how you got him to face his fears and discuss it honestly with you. And wondering how long you dated and such.
@ Annie, yes there is a huge gender difference in men and women. And I suspect that none of the men asked about your late husband because of, as Ted mentioned, their linear thinking. If they didn’t like you or somehow you seemed like you were stuck in grief over some other guy, they weren’t going to hang around for long anyway. So what did any of that info really matter? Women are the ones who delve into the pyschology of it all. And women are far more forgiving then men… unless and until that man has fallen in love then it’s a different story. At least these are my observations about the difference in how men date.
Cricket, that situation is extraordinary. Two weeks is barely enough time for the funeral spray to wilt. Sounds as if the man were in dire need of a stepmother for the children….like in that movie Sarah Plain and Tall.
I believe in Numbers 32:23, “…your sin will find you out.”
While my husband did not lie about his widower status, he did lie about his “other” relationships status. He had just broke up with a woman he had been engaged to for approximately 8 months. He added me as a Facebook friend and alas he does not delete anything, so when i started reading his “old” posts the “status” change from “engaged” to “single” gave him away. I texted him right away and we talked about it. He said he knew the relationship was not “right” but had a hard time breaking it off.
A month into our relationship I stumbled across some of his correspondence with “other” women he had been dating. He would use the “i am not ready” excuse to break it off.
All this caused me to doubt him and everything he said. I really never believed that he would marry me, but he did. I still wonder why.
I have been given “grace” for my “commission by omission” as well because I did not tell “all” about the one guy I dated before him. Like stated above, I didn’t because I didn’t want him to worry or be jealous.
It is a day by day journey for sure!
“I still wonder why” is more about how I see myself and not about how my husband sees me. (Thought I would clarify : ) )
Seems like we are mostly in agreement that lying is a bad policy.
As for the other issue addressed here — dating prejudices, fair or unfair — well, it seems to me that is par for the course on many different levels. Dating, like job interviews, is a process of elimination.
When my former partner (female, and we were as married as any same-sex couple could be in our state) and I split up and I was ready to date again, I was asked out by many men. I didn’t want to waste my time with those who would be uncomfortable with my past, so I made sure at some point or other to bring up my “lesbian divorcee” status. Not in a big deal way, but just to let them know.
Among the many lovely things about my first date with my now fiance was that when I told him this, his response was “Phew. My best friend is a lesbian, and I wasn’t sure if you’d be cool with gay people.”
It’s hard for folks new to the dating scene after a long absence to deal with those preconceived notions, but on the flip side, it’s an easy way to eliminate the folks who simply are not going to be a good fit — of course, this presumes honesty and forthrightness.
(Our big headline here today isabout a local Congressman, married, who tried to date a woman through Craig’s list, sending picture of himself without a shirt, and liked to her that he was divorced. Yikes.)
@ Aubrey, I was just noting the difference. My take on men is that most simply would rather not dwell on a woman’s past relationships because they have no bearing. I doubt I would have been asked about an ex-husband either. Men like to imagine their women are “fresh from the box:” whereas women prefer to obsess about a man’s past relationships and read War and Peace into his every action and utterance.Thus the questions and concern when info is not forthcoming.
Keeping ashes though is becoming more and more common regardless of circumstances as is the whole “shrine” thing. I blame it on the grief industry which has ingeniously sold Americans on the faulty notion of grief work/processes.
Actual research (not the anecdotal Kubler-Ross voodoo) shows that most people are done with active grieving – which really has no defined stages – by 6 months and that considering or actually dating in the first year are not uncommon. It is common for people to date out of the line of sight of family and friends in the beginning to minimize hurt feelings and interference. I never considered it lying to keep my dating to myself. It was no one’s business and I considered it a “need to know” thing. But I have always been this way. When I did tell a dear old friend about dating my husband, her reaction was so negative and condescending (seriously, some family and friends act as though you’re mentally disabled as opposed to just being widowed) that I decided that the news of my life moving forward wasn’t for everyone just yet.
My husband told only his daughters that he was “seeing someone” and no one in either of our families/ friend circles knew how serious we were until we announced our engagement. Lying? Not to each other. Once we were sure, everything – and I mean everything – was discussed. Full disclosure. But I found that the closer people were to us, the more they objected and questioned our “fitness” to make new commitments. I suspect it is that way for many widowed people.
Karen, I think your are/were very fortunate to find an open-minded fellow. And this is a perfect example of honesty is the best policy. As to your local congressman, he needs to be replaced and it is a good thing he resigned. Not because he posted a shirtless photo posing as a divorced man. If I had been single and looked as fit as he seems to be back when I was in my forties, I may have flaunted a bit. But as a congressman?…gee…..it’s not like he is invisible. He would have been discovered. He was stupid, and stupid people should be routed out from government whenever the opportunity is presented.
Ted, the joke at work this morning is, “Wonder if Lee is selling his shirt on Craig’s List too? He will need the extra income.”
Yes, New York politicians are so swell. Remember Spitzer, our former “Lov Gov?”
Good grief.
Annie,
Very interesting that no man every inquired as to how long you had been widowed. I, like able, would have a hard time being objective since I was widowed not divorced. I do recall, though, the first dates with my LW. She and I both were divorced. She knew the whole story about me as it was a small town and LW, EX Wife and I had mutual friends, though LW and I did not meet until after EX Wife moved out. But frankly, even though she was a single mom with an 8 y.o. girl who is not my daughter, I do not recall my asking many details about her past marriage until we really got serious. Maybe men fall into two categories in those situations. Some DO care and don’t bring up the question for fear of hurting the woman, reviving old bad memories or grief. And then, truly, I believe there are certain men who DON’T care about the woman’s past men as they see themselves as so much better than anything the woman could have possibly had in the past, hands down. I have an ex son-in-law and an ex fiance to one of my daughters who fit the latter category. All hat and no cattle, as they say in Texas.
Darn this sticky keyboard. I am going to have to edit my posts in Word and then paste. Above ‘able’ should be Abel, and ‘who is not my daughter” should be ‘who is NOW my daughter.” Sorry
So- i am 54 and a widower of 4 months. First date i wanted to say 8 or 10 or even 6 but i did not. Nobody ran away or hid under the table ! A friend told me once you never learn to live with it- you live around it. My point is time and the ability to date openly and honestly is not about the calendar.
@Jim — Agreed. It’s hard for others who haven’t been there however to get that.
Jim, you are correct. In my months on eHarmony in 2008 I actually got so defensive that I was in a manner of speaking in the face of some women / matches who challenged whether I was over my LW. I responded, in most cases, that I was sorry they may have been burned by some divorced guy on the rebound (none of the women had experiences with Ws) but I was the one who had been to hell and back with the death of LW and certainly I had garnered enough knowledge about myself through that trial by fire to know when I was ready to date. Each case is different. I was very confidant when I stepped outside my grief box to date again.
@Ted and Jim, there are so many people – male and female – in the dating arena who misrepresent their intentions that some folks will get tired and go on the proactive when societal stereotypes give them cause/pause. The grief industry has done such a good job of hiding the truth about grief, which is that 6 months to a year is the average for 85 to 90%, that it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t experienced it to know the truth. People who present themselves as resilient and knowing themselves after a tragedy are suspect in our society because of the prevalent ideas about how loss is supposedly a life long affliction that can only be managed at best. And there are those who use their tragedies to gain the upper hand in relationships and women especially fall victim to that.
But the bottom line is that anymore people want guarantees and there simply are none. When one looks for love, he/she must accept risk of hurt feelings.
@Annie. ‘…must accept risk of hurt feelings’. Yes, reminds me clearly of the lyrics from Try to Remember from my favorite little musical The Fantasticks: “…without a hurt, the heart hollow.”
@Aubery, just saw your post, sorry for the delay! I’d be happy to share a bit more offline if you think it would be helpful. (Probably too much detail for public forum) Let me know if you’d like me to email you and we can talk in more detail…. take care!
Beign deceitful sucks. Does anyone really think that they would be able to fool anyone in a relationship for long?
If you are ashamed of the amount of time that has passed since your spouse passed away, then quit dating until you aren’t.
If someone won’t give you a chance, so they can learn if you are ready to move forward (regardless of the time), you probably won’t be happy together any way.
Be honest in all things.