Widower Wednesday: Listen to Your Gut
October 26th, 2011 | 12 comments
Over the weekend I got an email from a reader asking if she could write a guest Widower Wednesday column. She pitched a good idea so you’ll be seeing her post in a couple of weeks. Her email got me thinking and I’ve decided to temporarily open up my email box to queries from those who would like to contribute a WW column. It could simply be sharing your story (good or bad and what you learned from it), a guest column on a WW topic of your choice, or a response to a previous WW column I wrote. If you’re interested email me a short query and let me know what you want to share. As long as you have something worth saying, I’m happy to give you the green light to write something that will appear in a future column.
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When I was dating Jennifer (my first relationship after Krista’s death) something about the relationship never felt exactly right. I remember going home one night wondering why, among other things, that Jennifer didn’t make my heart flutter the way Krista did. But since we started dating a few months after I became a widower I ignored my feelings. I thought that my feelings would change once more time had passed and my heart had more time to heal. It wasn’t until started dating Marathon Girl that I realized that nagging feelings about Jennifer and our relationship were spot on. However, since I had never been a widower before, I made up reasons to ignore the promptings I felt every time I examined my relationship with Jennifer.
I tell this story because one of the patterns I’ve noticed in the emails I receive from GOWs and WOWs is that they often have similar gut feelings about their relationship, or at least one aspect of it, and are looking for some guidance whether or not their gut feeling is accurate. About 95 percent of the time, their gut feelings are spot on. However, because they’ve never dated a widower before they’re unsure whether or not they’re making a mountain out of a molehill or if they should even listen to their internal promptings.
A good way to figure out if there really is something behind your gut feelings is to ask yourself if you would have the same concerns if you were dating a single or divorced man. Another tip is to find a quiet spot where you can sit and think undisturbed for a period of time and run the feeling through your mind. A third way is to talk to a friend or family member whose opinion you trust and see what they have to say about your concerns. (Or These can help give you the perspective you need to decide whether there really is a problem.
So today’s recommendation is to always listen to your gut. If you feel there’s something wrong with the way the widower is treating you or the relationship in general, there’s probably is a problem. This doesn’t mean the issue can’t be resolved and solved but it does man you need to take a step back and examine the situation. In the end you’ll have to decide whether to listen to your gut, but simply ignoring it and not doing the necessary legwork to know whether or not your concern is valid is inviting disaster.
I would have saved a lot of pain and heartache for both Jennifer and myself had I listened to my gut all those years ago. Most people have a very good sense when something isn’t right in a relationship—even if they can’t put their finger on exactly what it is. Ignore your gut feelings at your own peril.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Your story is an interesting one because I think widowed people especially believe that love will feel differently the next time that maybe the butterflies and excitement will be muted or even absent b/c of the love they had with their late spouses. But that’s so not true, Love is love. It’s exactly the same when you find it again – all the feelings are there . They might not last beyound the initial weeks or few months of getting to know someone, not every relationship has long term potential, but there is nothing inferior about it.
Women learn early to over-think and rationalize as a way to avoid/ignore admitting when a relationship is ending or is over or isn’t good for them. We don’t trust ourselves maybe or we are so impatient for love, or afraid we might not find it, that we are willing to sacrifice our time, effort and love to a losing proposition instead of simply realizing that something better is waiting for us, and we’re not going to find it wasting good love on someone who really doesn’t want it.
“Love is love. It’s exactly the same when you find it again ”
Exactly, Annie. No difference whatsoever. Too bad so many have to learn that the hard way.
“We are so impatient for love, or afraid we might not find it, that we are willing to sacrifice our time, effort and love to a losing proposition.”
Exactly.
Amen, amen, and amen. We have intuitions and gut feelings for a reason. Just as our sense of smell tells us when a food is dangerously off or a loud noise warns of possible danger, that sixth sense is there to ward us off from emotional harm.
[...] to grasp, or so I learned during the years I spent teaching 7th graders. Abel Keogh recently wrote a piece about trusting your gut. Love is love. It feels right and gets better over time because even the issues that come up as [...]
Gut feelings can be positive, too. I remember when my husband and I started dating and he would sometimes slip and refer to his late wife as “my wife.’
It bothered me, and after a couple weeks I told him why.
At the time, I questioned how long I could put up with it. But my gut told me that he was worth being patient for, and that all other signs pointed to him having the same romantic feelings that I did.
I am so grateful I listened to my gut, told him how I felt and stuck it out while he tried in earnest to change!
I know I could not have chosen a better person to be my spouse, and going through the experience of dealing with that conflict with him made our relationship all the stronger.
Great point Karen. Sometimes I get so caught up in the negative that I forget that gut feelings can be for the better too.
Karen, I agree. Maybe learning how and if you both will resolve issues in a relationship is a good thing. I’d be nervous if I’d never had a disagreement with a mate. What is important is how you both handle things. Is he/she willing to work toward resolution.
BTW, it’s especially nice to hear you say you couldn’t “have chosen a better person to be my spouse” and to see the smile on your face.
Absolutely …my gut instinct about my W was to stick it out, and thank God I did. I think where the instinct part comes into play negatively, though, is when we are having to argue hard against it and come up with reasons and excuses to ignore it. I think that is the type of instinct you are addressing here, Abel. We have all had that “holy cow, there is something so right about this” feeling, and we have also all had the “something is really wrong here” one (unfortunately, sometimes about the same person). But I think if the right feelings turn to wrong and stay that way long enough that you find yourself making excuses and rationalizations, both to yourself and your loved ones, then it is time to take a hard look at what is different now from back when you had those “right” feelings, and what the likelihood is of them changing back.
At first, I wanted no parts of my W. Not because he wasn’t a good guy but I knew there was going to be lots of drama involved if we dated. But I am so glad that I went with my gut instinct. Although we have traveled a rough road, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am head over heels for him and his sons! I never thought “true love” was actually possible for me, after so many failed relationships. But I finally found my “one”, well “three”…(his two boys included) Life is great!!!
Lynn, you gut sounds a lot like MG. Glad it worked out for you!
[...] October 26 | Listen to Your Gut [...]