Widower Wednesday: Independence Day
July 4th, 2012 | 6 comments
Today is Independence Day in the United States. For those unfamiliar with the holiday, it’s the day commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain.
In the spirit of the holiday, I thought it might be a good idea for those GOWs and WOWs who are in a bad relationship with a widower to have their own day of independence.
- If you constantly feel like number two or that you’re living in the shadow of a saint, declare your independence and move on.
- If the widower hides your relationship from others and you feel like his dirty little secret, declare your independence and start anew.
- If the widower won’t treat you like a queen, declare your independence and end the relationship.
- If in any way you feel like you’re settling for a relationship with a widower who will never love you as much or more than his late wife, declare you independence and move forward with the knowledge that you can do better.
For widowers, it’s a great day to declare your independence for things that are holding you back from starting a new life.
- Declare your independence from physical objects and things that keep you rooted in the past. Instead focus on growing and nurturing relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Things of this world eventually turn to dust but relationships last forever.
- Declare your independence from people who don’t want you to start a new life. Yes, there are some people who enjoy being stuck in the past and the sympathy and attention that comes with it. Don’t associate with those who will hold you back. Instead move forward M
- Declare your independence from grief. Despite tragedies and setbacks, this life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Focus on the positive and happy things in your life. Count your blessings, give thanks for life itself, and move forward with a smile and a determination to make every day count.
- Declare your independence from the widower label. Don’t let the death of your wife—something that is completely out of your control—define who you are. You’re Jack, Michael, Steven, or whatever your first name is. You define who you are. You have the power and ability to live the life you want to live. Don’t let others or circumstances do it for you. Make choices that lead you to a happy and fulfilling life.
Every day is a chance to make a fresh start. If you’re in a less than fulfilling relationship or not happy with your life, declare your independence today and start a more satisfying and rewarding life. And, yes, you all have my permission celebrate your newfound independence with fireworks if you so choose!
Happy Independence Day to all!
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Wow…..excellent analogy……….Independence Day! WooHoo!!!!
AMEN!!!
letting go of lots of stuff is truly independence … great stuff!
Right on.
I let my empathy for W cloud my decisions when we started dating 6 months ago, and my standards become lax, I didn’t want him to feel pressured. He’s told me he’s afraid to love and lose again, it was so painful to watch LW die, and even though he knows death is a natural part of the cycle, he’s afraid to be vulnerable and have his emotions shattered again. I know the fear he talks about because I lost a teenage son 7 years ago and the fear of losing my other two children was overwhelming. “Knowing in your mind” that a loved with is gone is very different from “knowing in your heart.” It took me 3 years before I knew in my heart that he was gone forever, it’s a daily journey and some days are worse than others. W said we’ll be having a great time then his mind start saying, what am I feeling, what am I feeling, and even though he tells himself to just go with it, he gets scared because we’re getting close. He has trouble making decisions, he can’t plan his vacation with his girls, because he can’t decide what to do, he’s afraid to make the wrong choice. He tries to overcompensate with the girls (5 & 7) because he knows they miss mommy and is trying to ease their pain. They’re in weekly counseing and are doing very well, considering what they’ve been through. He wants to move forward and said he’s afraid he’ll forget her, and he doesn’t really miss her anymore. I told him he’s lying to himself, thinking if he says it enough, it will be so. He said certain things remind him of her and we try to do things that they haven’t done before but that’s hard. He’s looking for a new car because the one he’s driving is the one she drove and he needs to get rid of it because it’s a reminder and he wants to move on. He had counseling through hospice after she died and realizes now it wasn’t enough (it was 2 years in April), so he’s going to get counseling. He said he does love me and doesn’t know why he doesn’t tell me, that him and LW said it to each other all the time. He invited me to his family reunion and said he hopes I don’t get overwhelmd because it’s not just his immediate family, it’s cousins, aunts, etc. I told him it takes a lot more than that to overwhelm me. I’ve met his brothers but not his sisters yet, and I know his sisters were very close to LW so I’m a bit nervous they will talk mainly about her and not try to get to know me. His daughters and I are very attached, and he said he would never lead me on, he wouldn’t do that to us. I’m confused.
As a rule of thumb, widowers who are ready to move on usually don’t have this kind of confusion–at least when it comes to the new woman. If he’s not treating you like #1 after six months, there are still some things has to fix soon or else you’re simply in for six month or more of the exact same behavior.