Widower Wednesday: How to Talk to a Widower
February 13th, 2013 | 7 comments
Book Update: Got the second round of edits back from the editor. Later tonight I’ll send it off to two different proofreaders. Final title and back cover copy has been sent to the graphic artist for layout. I should have a cover to share next week. The book is still on track for publication end of February or first week of March assuming that I get the three remaining Contributor’s Agreements back.
Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday column.
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Dear Abel,
You often suggest that when discussing relationship issues with a widower that one should keep the conversation focused on one’s current relationship with a widower and a possible future together instead of the widower’s past marriage and the late wife. Are you saying that the late wife shouldn’t be brought up in conversation at all? Could you give me some examples of how someone who is dating a widower might do this? There are many issues I want to discuss with my widower but don’t know the best way to approach him or bring up the subject. Any advice or suggestions you might have would be very helpful.
What a great question.
Before I give specific examples, let me clarify something: There’s nothing wrong with talking about the late wife. She’s not a taboo subject. You just need to be careful how you talk about her. No, she’s not some goddess that must only be spoken of in a reverent tone. However, if you come across as jealous of her or their marriage, the conversation is not going to go anywhere. Even though she’s passed on, a widower will still have strong feelings for his late wife will defend her as if he’s still married.
So how do you talk about her in a non-threatening way?
Last week I answered an email from a woman who was invited by her for a romantic weekend in the same hotel he and the late wife used to frequent when they were married. The woman wanted to go on this trip but didn’t want to stay in the same hotel or make the trip a repeat of a romantic getaway that the widower and the late wife shared. Instead she wanted to make new memories with the widower somewhere that could be special to them.
There are two ways she could have brought up the subject with the widower. The first way goes something like this: “I don’t want to stay in the same hotel that you and the late wife stayed at! I’m not her! I want to stay at a different place or I’m not going!”
Another way to broach the subject goes something like this: “I’m glad that you and the late wife had a place where you could make meaningful memories. I want to create the same kind of memories with you too but would prefer to create them in a new place that can have special meaning to just the two of us. Here are some other places I thought we could consider for our weekend together.”
See the difference?
The first one comes across as petty, insecure, and jealous. It’s easy to interpret those words as a direct attack on the late wife and any feelings the widower may still have for her. Odds are that conversation would be the beginning of a nasty fight. The second one, however, comes from someone who’s gracefully acknowledging the widower’s past while focusing on what he has now and the bright future the two of you have together. It invites a discussion around the current relationship and moving forward instead of the past. It tells the widower you still want to be with him and gives him other options to think about.
So if there’s an important matter you need to discuss with your widower, think of different ways to focus the discussion around moving forward and creating a stronger relationship. It will do more to start a conversation and create a positive environment than complaining about things.
If you have suggestions on ways to better communicate with the widower, leave them in the comments below.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
How about addressing the underling communication problem by saying something like “Sometimes I feel hurt about things and I would like to discuss them with you but I don’t know how to raise them without hurting you”?
Communication depends more on both parties listening and being prepared to hear what is being said than it does on saying things in the right way. If you are listening to each other and have a mutual respect for each other’s feelings then it doesn’t really matter how you to start the conversation, what matters is that you’re able to carry it on until the issue at hand is resolved.
It does matter how you start the conversation, Patrick. Even those couples who love each other and generally are able to communicate with each other will shut down if the other person starts the conversation in an aggressive or antagonizing way.
Aside, from that, you are correct that a larger conversation about how to talk about sensitive issues is needed and that couples should be able to talk about whatever issues and feel like they’re concerns are being heard.
I still think that if the other person isn’t on board, then it doesn’t necessarily matter how its started. That’s been my experience and I’ve been told I’m an effective communicator in a relationship, by the w himself and I personally know I’ve always tried with a good approach and yet it didn’t work. The other side has to be at a good place and on board.
And I’m saying this as someone who speaks and communicates well I never brought late wife in or made it about her. I was very cautious understanding and cognizant. Yet w himself always brought her in. Sometimes the most effective communication method by one can be made into a futile effort by the other if the other isn’t on board or in a good frame of mind. I feel this weeks concept assumes both are in a good place, have similar respect and empathy for each other and have an overall similar goal. It’s not going to happen unless both are there with the same vision. For a w who hasn’t moved on, any difference can be made into a LW issue simply by his mindset.
You can’t really be antagonistic and empathetic at the same time. So if you are trying to initiate a mutually empathetic discussion about a sensitive issue then, yes, it does matter how you start the conversation, the more empathy you show the more likely your partner is to respond in kind. My point is that if you are in a relationship where empathy is the default mode for difficult communication then, even if you start off with an aggressive row, when things calm down a bit and the empathy kicks in it will kill off the antagonism and you’ll be able talk. Finding a tactful way of raising a sensitive issue is a quick fix, the long term solution is to nurture a relationship in which it’s OK for either of you to say the wrong thing now and again because you’ll sort it out in the end.
Going back to the original email, my advice would be if you think the relationship is ready for the direct “we need to talk about being able to talk” talk that I suggested above then go for it. If not (which is more likely) then start small, put the things that are really troubling you aside for now as things that you can’t talk about yet, and pick something that bugs you a bit but you are content to let slide. Raise that as sensitively as you can and let him know that although it isn’t a particularly important issue to you in itself being able to talk about these things is. If all goes well you will begin to establish a channel of communication that you can build on until you get to the point that you are discussing the things that really matter to you both.
It takes a lot of time and effort from both of you to build up the trust and understanding needed to be able to talk freely about difficult subjects and, as KT points out, unless you are both prepared to put the work into it nothing that either one of you does on your own will get you there.
Patrick that was my thought when I read this. Even the most effective expressions and communications can lead to futile one sided discussions when both parties do not have the mutual respect and empathy for each other. It’s not all about being on your best behavior while expressing yourself. A partner is willing to listen but won’t hear can soon become a sound proof wall in a conversation.
I agree that in general it’s a bad idea to make any subject off limits entirely. To include LW. In the beginning of the relationship, there’s bound to be quite alot of the past, as two people get to know each other. With my husband and I, there was a lot of LW and Ex talk in the beginning. But, as time has progressed, it’s now hardly ever brought up. Most of the time, simply not relevant to us. We could go weeks with no mention, and then in the course of a few days maybe a few times. Sometimes in front of the kids, sometimes not. It doesn’t bother me for the most part because it happens so infrequently, it’s not a wistful, pining sort of mention, and most importantly, I know that his heart is 100% with me. Where it would get annoying is if every time we were talking about X, he felt the need to share what he and LW thought/said/did about X. That would drive me bananas. My guy doesn’t have a brain-to-mouth filter in many areas, but fortunately this is one where he does.