Widower Wednesday: How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On
January 5th, 2011 | 59 comments
Before I get to today’s column, a few housecleaning items: if you’ve emailed me in the last 7-10 days, please be patient for a response. I took a break from email over the Christmas/New Year holiday and am slowing catching up. You should hear from me in the next few days.
Also, if you missed the announcement yesterday regarding some of my articles being published in an upcoming grief anthology, read it here.
Now on to today’s column.
A common question that finds its way into my email box is how long it takes for a widower to stop grieving and be fully willing to start a new life. Generally these questions come from women who love the widower they’re dating but feel like Number Two or a third wheel in the relationship. When they talk to the widower about the relationship, they widower tells them that he’s still having a hard time and needs some more time before he can fully commit. He also usually asks the woman to patiently wait awhile longer for him to sort out his feelings.
My answer has two parts.
First, everyone grieves at different speeds. Some people can move on from a tragedy much faster than others. However, keep in mind that most widowers generally start dating before they’re ready to commit to long term relationships. Of course, that usually doesn’t stop him from telling the woman how much he loves her and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Many widowers start relationships and say thing they don’t really mean. Then, say, a few months in, they realize they aren’t sure if the relationships is right for them. The woman picks up on their hesitation but thinks that he’ll snap out of it and love her once he’s had time to grieve.
Second, in order for someone to change – in this case, put feelings for the late wife aside and commit to a new partner and new life – they have to have a strong reason to make that change. With widowers, they’ll stop grieving and move on when the find someone that they want to start a new life with. Widowers who commit themselves to relationships before they’re emotionally ready to make that commitment often find themselves feeling stuck. They like the attention, sex, and other benefits that come with the relationship even if they aren’t sure the relationship is one they want to stick out long term. So they ask the woman to wait while they figure things out.
In the end, the questions these women need to ask is how long their willing to wait for the widower to make up his mind. A week? A month? A year?
I’m of the opinion that if the widower isn’t making you number one now, things aren’t going to change. They might, but odds are he started the relationship before he was emotionally ready.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I’m married with a widower… I just met him last year.. he, being a widower for a year…
I just wanna ask if the safekeeping of the pictures of his late wife means he still cant move on fully… I thought everything is fine between the two of us… He did everything to prove to me that he loves me.. He even married me twice.. He has 3 kids with his previous marriage… Now, Im pregnant… I dont know if this feeling of mine is just brought by pregnance… cant tell…
Pls. advice…
Arthea, hormones do run rampant during pregnancy so maybe your anxiety does stem from there. The truth is that as much as you may want your husband not to have had a past, he does. He was married to someone he presumably loved and had children with her. While it is reasonable for you to not want pictures of his late wife displayed prominently in your home, he does have memories. Have you asked him about the pictures? Perhaps he is keeping them for his children. Perhaps he hasn’t really thought about what having them up might mean to you. From your description, it sounds as if he is trying very hard to show you how much he loves and wants to make a life with you. You are real and you are in his life right now. Focus on that and try to enjoy your pregnancy and the family you are building.
arthea, my husband was a shutterbug and there are hundreds of photos of his late wife that he keeps and periodically goes through to scan to digital. It’s not a reflection on our relationship or his feelings for me that he does this. They were together for 27 years. They had two daughters together. It’s normal to want to preserve that in some form.
He’s your husband now and you are going to be parents soon. That speaks louder than his keeping photos – probably for the older children. Don’t read too much into this.
@ Susie, I think you probably know the answer to “is it really done” question. Most people don’t look back – male or female – when they are the ones who initiate the break up.
@FinanceChick, parents who are ruled by their adult kids set the stage for that a long time ago and generally will always allow themselves to be manipulated. Abel is right.
Thanks Lynn for your advice… In fairness with my husband, the pictures of his late wife are kept in one cabinet in the our basement room.. it’s just that I saw those out of curiousity.. It hurs to see him with another woman.. Honesly it was my first time to see them together… I told it to him, he said those are for his kids, so in the future that they may asked about their mom, the pictures will be there… His kids are still young and they are nice to me… They accept me from the start.
I only see the picture of his late wife during the first time I went to their home, it’s in their wall, but on my 2nd time to go there, it’s no longer there coz I told him that if it is still hang in there, I think I cant have the gits to go to his home… He did put it off… Thanks to him..
I love him so much, and I think he do love me also… He is sensitive to my feelings.. He is very supportive to my dreams… Hence, he still allow me to work and study even at this moment… We just met in Law school in which we are both enrolled right now.. He’s 38 and I’m 26…
I think age matters now….
Thanks Annie… Before, there’ s no problem between us about his past.. Anyway, his wife is no longer existing and besides we met a year after she died… But, since the time I saw thier pictures together, I cant help but get jealous… I’ve been so confident with our relationship eversince… As he told me always, he has a lifetime to prove his love for me… Our relationship before was against all odds. My parents disapprove our relationship because of his past.. I’m very much single when we got married… As a matter of fact, he was my first boyfriend… I dont know, but everytime I think of seeing their pictures, it made me feel bad…
Our relationship is acceptable to his family… HIs 3 kids even call me mom… they love me, I guess, because they are still longing for their mom perhaps, they are still young, they are 11, 9 and 5 yearls old…
We just married last Feb and September 2010… 5 months being together as bf and gf…
I know, I tend to be childish sometimes…. I love him so much but I cant avoid to feel bad about his past….
What can I do to overcome this???
Is this only brought by pregnancy?? I’m not like this before……
I dont know…..
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! That’s what I was afraid of…that if he isn’t standing up to them now then he will continue to be manipulated by them…or by the ONE that seems to be the most vocal and manipulating. We’ve set a date for our “talk”. We’ve decided to write down what we see as obstacles what we can do to get thru and what our goal is and how to get there…wish me luck!!!!
@arthea I don’t see the photo as a big dea esp where he has kids living at home. If anything it sounds like he’s gone out of his way to make the house and relationship seem special and put you as #1.
I think your feelings of jealousy are normal but don’t let them get in the way of a husband who appears to be doing everything to make you #1. As long as he does that, you have nothing to worry about.
@arthea, Abel is right. It’s normal to wonder about her and their relationship and even feel jealous. I wonder about my husband’s late wife and envy her having known him when they were young. I married late in life to my first husband (I was 35) and they were high school sweethearts. But it’s a Pandora’s Box. You could ask and question but to what end? It makes no difference in the present. How I felt about my late husband has no bearing one way or the other on my love for my current husband. I know it’s hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it, but they are totally separate in my mind and heart, and I think that is how it is for most widowed folk who marry again. I wouldn’t dwell on it or worry if I were you. Living in the now is always the better choice.
Thanks abel and annie… Actually, the pictures are not supposedly a big deal for me knowing those are not prominent in our home,.. Those were safekeep in the cabinet in our basement… what I just cant understand is that why dont he just put it away to our home??
From the start, I feel so confident with our relationship coz he made me so special in all ways… He never made me feel as #2…. He said, he is doing everything for me becaoz he doesnt want to regret anything that he has undone any for me…
Even if he is so busy with his work , he still find time to serve me.. He cooks for me and he is on-hand with my needs as a wife….
I just cant understand why everytime those pictures slip in my mind, I cant help but get irritated with him and to his kids…. I never felt this way before….
LOng before we’ve been emotionally attached, he was so anxious to evaluate his feelings for me coz according to him, he didnt want to hurt me… , just like he did to other girls who had been attached to him after the death of his late wife.. according to him, before, he just need some sort of companion to enjoy sometimes… but when we met, it did changed… He said, he started to care for me… He never hurt me in any ways….
on the 5th month being bf anf gf, he offer marriage to me…. I tend to be hesitant at first, but when I saw him so serious to fight for his feelings,… Then I say yes….
At first, there was no problem, but since I saw those pics, I began feeling differently.. I started feeling jealous also with his attention he gave to his kids….
Oh my, I dont know what to feel now….
Little by little, things became complicated….
@arthea, Life is as complicated as you choose to make it. I am sorry that your struggling with these issues. As I said, it’s not easy to understand how someone can completely love you when you know they loved someone just as much before – but it is possible. People come to second marriages with kids and memories. Those things aren’t even going to change. My husband’s late wife and their daughters are a part of my life now. His in-laws are my family too. I make it a point to learn family stories and things about his late wife so I can share them with my step-daughters and someday their children. It’s only a big deal if you see it as a competition and really it isn’t.
There’s a lot going on in your life with a new baby on the way. It might be colouring your perception a bit. Marriage and pregnancy and children are learning processes. It takes time and there are bumps along the way as well as much joy. It will be okay.
awesome post. if you substituted a dear friend of mine’s name you would have been talking about him!
His story didn’t end so well….the last time he broke if off with her, she then let him know, a few weeks later she was pregnant.
They are now married. I have no idea if he is happy as she has made him cut off communication with old friends.
Thanks annie… I know i look as if I’m that narrow-minded.. But, thanks for understanding my sentiments… I never felt this way before…. it’s only lately…. Perhaps, I can overcome this soon… Besides, my husband is doing everthing to show me how much he loves me…
I know, I tend to be unfair to him… He never hide anything from me from the very start… It’s only lately that this problem crops in…
Perhaps, I have to junk the idea that he once loved another…. As he told me, he never did what he is doing to me right now to his late wife… He treated me extraordinarily well… He’s always beside me… and he’s proud to be my husband… He does everything to serve me like a princess which he never did before to his late wife…. HIs close friends and relatives even told me that he’s a different and better man when we he met me….
With that, perhaps, I should start forgetting the pictures..
I became a widower when my daughters were young teens. Long story short, I met a widow with two daughters of her own and we hit it off. We originally planned to marry when all the kids were out of high school so we could be together in one property together once we married. For a number of reasons, it was not possible to uproot any of the kids to different schools.
It was her new request that she did not want to wait to be married, as we both understood marriage and loss. She insisted that yes she could accept living in seperate locations during the week for work and our childrens’ school. We agreed on what would be done to each of our homes to accomodate the new soon to be merged family, agreeing what would be done before our wedding.
I should have seen the writing on the walll, but perhaps chose not to. I did alI could to make the investment and spend the time to make the necessary changes she requested to my property prior to the wedding. As our big day came closer and closer, none of the things she comitted to for her home were happening. I actually had or put some of the things for my property on the back burner just to provide minimal accomodations for my daughters at her house.
Long story short, five months after our wedding, she suddenly wanted out of our marriage to persue “an other option”. After five months of being married I still had not had any space in her house in the closets to hang any of my clothes, or any drawers in any chests to put any clothes. She had done none of the “changes” to her house she said that she was going to do for the new merged family. Although I had made the total comitment to her, I realize now, she was unable to make the same total comitment to me. Unfortunately, when a “Just a friend” started going through his third divorce, and her children still at home (18 &22 at that time) started rebelling against me, I became an expendable option for her in favor of the “other option”.
At this point, I do look at myself as more a widower than a divorced person. Even though I am also divorced, it was so short of a time afte rteh wedding when she wanted out, and we really spent such little time together in person (50 days), I honestly do not see that as being a real marriage. Even so, this brief second marriage is going toimpact anyone I may be blessed to meet and date seriously.
Joe so Sorry to hear that happened to you. Sounds like you did everything right too. I guess you really don’t know someone that well. I know for myself and many of my young widowed friends it is our greatest desire to remarry and have that loving bond again. When kids are involved it seems impossible and yet you were really making it happen. My widower ran at the first sign of disagreement. I still can’t believe what a coward he turned out to be. I am of the belief that if you really love someone, you work it out whatever the cost. It is a hurtful thing when you find out that that person you trusted with all your broken Heart doesn’t love you that much. I just had my heartbreak too. I never in a million years thought after losing the love of my life, I would be subjected to such disappointments and more heartbreaks. I feel your pain and commend you for seeing it through. Now would you like to go for coffee?LOL
I have looked at this site a few times before deciding to go ahead and give things a go with the guy I have been dating for the past 3 months. After being convinced and seeing good signs he had moved on and wanted a new start I decided to give him a go.
But yesterday – like so many stories I have read – the same thing has happened to me like so many others and I really believed it would not…..
I have heard it all, I love you, I want to build a future with you, you are amazing and then yesterday – he feels a difference in how I feel for him and how he feels for me.
It was so unexpected, today I am gobsmacked. It really felt like in everything he did and said we were going at the same pace. In fact I believe he was a huge part in setting the pace and felt more drawn to things being good because he was so confident about us.He loved me being around… He said he felt he should be as excited as me… but to me it seemed he was?!
I told him if he wasn’t sure about how he felt about me I wasn’t prepared to settle for not sure, I needed certainty, I’d not long come out of a 3 year long ‘not sure’ relationship – and he said I deserved that certainty. It was so bizarre, he says he wasn’t sure what he was saying yesterday as he did really like me and ALL the time we have spent together has been brilliant and Christmas was the best Christmas he had had in years. He cried as he was saying all of this and dropping me off at home, said it didn’t feel right me going…he just wanted to take me back .
He said he felt he was always catching up with me. (What? It certainly didn’t seem like that to me with everythinghe said and did!). He was terribly upset saying all this, very confused said he had no idea where it all came from. Said he didn’t want me to go but maybe needed me to go to see if he suddenly felt he couldn’t live without me and maybe in that space things would become clear. I am the first he has dated and his wife died 18months ago. I really thought everything was going well.
He says he is certain he likes me and a lot, but he doesn’t feel excited like I do. But he said he never feels excited and didn’t even on his wedding day. His lw used to comment to him how emotionally level he was and I wonder if he is trying to feel something he can’t? I am wondering if it is because I am not her.I am different. I am more passionate, which he likes but I think he finds it too much maybe? He says he is emtionally level but I find him quite passionate and emotional…. so confused….
So I’m waiting for him to contact me to see if he wants to be with me or not. He said so many things that sound like red flags, “I deserve better and not to be messed around”. It all feels like a case of its not you its me. I dont get it. He was still saying he wants to build a future with me maybe even forever??
What’s going on? What do I do? I’m not sure I can trust him now. If he felt like he was always playing catch up then why didn’t he say? This is so confusing….. is it over or do you think I should just walk away and not even give him a second chance?
thanks
Anabelle, you can read what happened to me above. At least your guy was trying to be a man and was face to face with you. If I were you, I would leave him alone. If he comes back I would tell him to take a year to grieve more and see if he wants to be with you. In the mean time you go on and keep dating as if he is not coming back. Three years ago I had such negative experiences with divorcees, and the never been married guys I decided that a widower would best suit me and would understand my grief as well. Well he turned out to be more hurtful then any other I have ever dated. Now he is back on line looking for the 2nd love of his life. He told me that I was her. You just can’t trust em. I am sorry for your disappointment.
Thanks for your reply Susie. This is what has happened..
24 hours later he has told me that he does want to be with me. Says he’s really sorry. Feels awful about what he has put me through and that I didn’t deserve it (it sounded like he has spent most of his tie worrying about me and not being able to be with me). He said that I had made things so nice and easy that he felt he felt he had taken me for granted. He said that he really felt there was no way I would ever leave him and he felt so comfortable. Also he thinks I am so nice and we have had such a great time together and thinks we could do so much together that he doesn’t want to be without me. He said he wants to make plans for the future and wants to do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable and happy. Wants to support me in whatever way he can to get what I want out of life. Is so pleased that I gave him the chance to talk to me. He said he was really worried about me and felt really bad about how he had treated me.He said whatever it was that happened to him, he needed it and it had sorted his head out and get into gear which he also needed.He said what we had was so good, nothing wrong at all.
My response was I was amazed to hear he wants to be with me, I thought he was going to finish things – he is the careful and sensitive type. I was amazed that he called in a day, I thought he may take 2 or 3 days or a week even. I was pleased. But he said some pretty cutting stuff that has left me nervous and the waiting to hear is now replaced with anxiety.
I had no doubt about my feelings for him. I have said to him we need to talk. I think I should mention that him saying that he has felt like he has always been playing catch up and that he feels we are in different places is not something I can feel comfortable with now (I guess he could prove that he does want me over time). Especially how he has said he will be honest with me and I can trust him. I have lost that element of trust with him which was hard to give him in the first place after my last abusive relationship.
I really do think he is a good man. He has been honest with me about his feelings and where he is in regards to his lw from the start. All this freak out came as a surprise. I truly believe he is acceting of his wife’s death. I truly believe that he wants to move on.
I wonder if he is still adjusting to being in a relationship. He was with his wife for 20 years and she is the only person he has been with his whole life. I am very different to her. It is all very different for him. What sparked this off is his mum is going through the same as him, she (also a recent widow) has been dating a guy for 8 weeks (we have been 12 weeks). He freaked out after seeing her (his mum) and seeing how excited she was about this new guy, could see I was excited about him in the same ways and because he didn’t feel that excitement he freaked.
All through his freak out he was saying that everything was so good between us and he didn’t understand what was going on in his mind. Is it possible that this is just an adjustment thing? Has he just realised what is going on in his life all of a sudden and it’s freaked him out because he has realised its different to what was before? That I’m different? His mum is different and he is still the same as he has always been but realises he needs to change/adjust.
(Maybe he also realises he has to make a different kind of effort to keep someone happy -me – that he hasn’t been with for years, who like his lw isn’t terminally ill like she was for 15 of the 20 years they were together – that being part of the relationship I’m sure would have effected the dynamics of their relationship – which would have been totally different to what this is now…so different..)
In my mind it is still such early days. Such early days for us, 3 months. I have said we will meet up and talk. He says he can’t wait to see me.
In the back of my mind is what Abe has said here – that they say things like they want to be with you forever, love you etc even when they shouldn’t be saying it. I’m aware he has only had one relationship,I’ve had a few long term relationships, I feel he may be inexpereinced as to what you should and shouldn’t say. All my family want this to work for me because he is so nice. I think his family like me too. He has even introduced me to his lw family and we got on really well and they have invited us back for dinner at some point.
I do want it to work. But I’m scared now. Maybe he does just like having ‘somebody’ – he assures me its not that and that I’m really special. In my mind I am thinking that really this is just like any ‘normal’ relationship and anyway I might not turn out to be the one for him anyway, and I guess him for me (tho I do feel he is) – so the fact he is a widower is kind of irrelavant. I think I have been so nice to other guys in the past that what he has said to me is a flag for me – it seems I’m so nice and loving and giving it makes people take me for granted because I give a lot (completely naturally) which makes them complacent I love them so much they don’t have to put any effort in. I don’t mean I love them unconditionally btw. I just want to be myself. Don’t want to have make the effort to give or love less just to keep someone giving to me. But 3 months seems pretty quick to get complacent..unless he is just adjusting..learning…
Susie – I know how hard it is to trust someone. Find someone. But I guess it’s all risks and I guess you trust someone until they give you a reason not to. I do want to give this a chance but I will have to see what he says about those worrying comments…. sorry this is long! Just painting the picture a bit further to see if anyone can relate to his side of things I guess…. I’ll update soon and say what happens
Anabelle, please guard your heart. I am the same as you very giving and loving and men love that and need that. Like I said my guy even gave me a promise ring. When he gained my total trust, he broke it off with no care for my feelings whatsoever.you would be wise to just be FRIENDS for one year. May be see each other once or twice a month. Let the seasons go bye with all the holidays as they spark more anxiety and grief. He is not a widower very long and that is a real problem. Does he want you for you or just a warm body to keep him company? I wish you luck. Take it slow.
Anabelle, I agree w/Susie, proceed with caution here. As someone who is married to a (former) widower, I can tell you, these relationships can be fraught with landmines. My husband never hesitated as far as moving forward, being committed, getting married, etc. I was fortunate to avoid those kinds of red flags. But, even with all of his certainty, we have had countless issues to work through, several of which have been the most painful (relationship-wise) of my life. Even in the best, most certain of circumstances, this type of relationship can be terribly difficult to navigate. If you’re starting out feeling confused, insecure, etc….. I think time is your best friend. Give him enough time to SHOW YOU (not tell you, SHOW YOU) that he’s solid. Otherwise, he may stay with you… and you may come to regret it. Trust the things people here are telling you…. my friends had begun to call my marriage “the perfect storm” … and it has taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears to turn the tide on that. (Sorry for the pun!)
PS I mean former widow, not widower!
I am dating a widower since the 24th of april 2008. His lw passed away on march 18, 2008. He was married to her 27y, and they hv a boy of 31y now, who got married last summer.
Almost 3 years and I am still asking myself questions about our relationship.
First we started in secret our relation. when we were making love, he was telling me rudely that he is not feeling anything with me.
I was very very very patient w him. His son and his maid were rude and impolite with me. He was asking me be patient, time will arranges things. I was not allowed to come to his house.
He was always telling me that we are going out together w/o any commitments. No future together, no marriage etc. I accepted all. To make the story short. Maybe the feelings had improved a little bit. And now I can go to his house because the son got married and is away. But, the picture of the lw are all over the house, in the bed room, in the living room, on every single tables and walls. He kept his wedding ring and the clothes and stuff of the lw hanging in the closets till last September 2010. Few weeks ago, he redecorated his room, and to my bad surprise, he hanged on the wall behind the bed, the picture of the lw. I was furious. and when I told him to remove the picture, he answered me i am crossing here the red line; it is not of my business to interfere in his house, in his life. If I want to stay with him I have to respect this, he was terribly rude with me. We had an argument, I told him that he is always treating me as number2, he doesn’t respect my feelings… I told him I don’t want to go to his house anymore. But, I went to his house 3 days later, and we made love under the picture of lw… I hated this, and I m feeling as she is taking out our energy, as she is dragging him to her. Still no promise for a future together. And I am getting involved more and more. I told him to consult but he said he doesn’t need, he is fine, but I think he didn’t get over the death of his wife. Can you plse help me to see clear what’s happening to me??? I am lost.
[...] the comment section (#25) of a recent Widower Wednesday post, Annabelle [...]
@Veronica, unfortunately, I think yoiu already know the answer, it’s just (really) difficult to acknowledge when you are attached to and/or love someone. He clearly isn’t ready to be with anyone new, and his actions are telling you that in many ways, everyday. I’m sorry, b/c I know how hard it must be for you, REALLY hard, but … you deserve someone who will treat you well and love and respect YOU, not give all of that only to a woman from his past. You wouldn’t allow a non-widow boyfriend to treat you like this over an ex girlfriend. His being a widow doesn’t give special privilege to disrespect or be hurtful to his current girlfriend. You’re filling his needs… although he does not appear to be filling (or even caring about) yours. I’m not sure that you’re feeling lost so much as you’re feeling a lot of pain at the thought of letting go of him and moving on. Understandable, definitely. I feel for you and what you’re going through… you deserve to be treated better, but only you can decide to make that happen… you won’t be able to force him think or feel differently if he isn’t already there himself.
Elizabeth.Thank you for your reply. My life with him is balanced btw suffering & good time. We have good time too toogether, that’s why I am still here with him. Although I know that our relation is very convenient for him. It is easier to be with me (taking care of him) then to be alone. I am always here for him, we go out with all his friends and his lw family. He always talks about his lw with them, she used do this, she cooked like that etc.. B4 my “rebellion” about the picture, he was happy to make us watching the movies of his lw, and their photo albums. One think that tickeled me is that he doesn’t like to take a photo with me. Or he tries to avoid it. And I all the photo he is sitting straight and I am the one who is putting my arm around his shoulders. When the tension grows in my head, I feel I want to runaway, to leave him but I don’t have the courage to leave him.
Veronica, you may want to check out this week’s post and comments underneath it, even though it’s a different subject, I think the posts that have been left would be helpful to you to read and consider. I wish you the best, I know this is a hard decision with many factors to consider.
Veronica,
I don’t know if you’re still reading this thread, but let me be blunt here. Your guy sounds like a jerk. He is using you. And you deserve better, much better. You’ve been in a relationship with him for 3 years and all this stuff is still going on?? He has a photo of LW in his bedroom still where you are intimate and he shuts you down when you protest?
Dump. Him. Now. I know it’s hard when you care about someone and you feel like (you really have!) invested so much love and time and effort with him, but this sounds like a pretty one sided arrangement. He gets what he wants from you (companionship, sex) and you get whatever crumbs he is willing to give.
You deserve better. There are many good men out there; this one sounds like one who ought to be tossed back into the “sea.”
Whew! Reading these posts has been like reading about the last 8 months of my life! I met a great guy last April who had lost his wife in January – so yes it was only four months. I was hesitant to become more than friends but the relationship progressed and honestly, it progressed slower than I think he would have liked it to. He was clear that during his wife’s illness they had discussed his moving on and that happiness and someone else is what she wanted for him. He attended a grief share program and consistently reassured me that he was processing things and was feeling good about us. Over 8 months things were perfect – we traveled, met each others’ families and had a great time. He told me he loved me long before I told him, he always talked about doing things in the future together, etc. I was the one who encouraged him to spend some time alone and be ok with it – we lived an hour apart so it was easy to not spend every waking moment together.
Then the holidays hit. Christmas followed immediately by the anniversary of her death in early January. The week before Christmas – we played house. My kids were gone and he stayed the whole week at my house. When he left he told me it was perfect and a great time. He went home to get ready to have his adult kids home for Christmas. That was the last time I saw him. We talked everyday and I could tell he was having a hard time – I tried to be there without being obtrusive. I told him how much I missed him and was ready to see him again and he always told me he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. The day after the anniversary of her passing, he called to tell me that he just could not do us anymore. He said that he felt trapped and that it was time for us to move on to the next phase of our relationship and he didn’t know if he was ready and that he could not see logistically how it would work. I was dumbfounded! I was nowhere near ready to ‘move forward’. We had always agreed to just take it day by day and enjoy each other’s company and being together without any expectation of what needed to happen.
I have not heard from him in two weeks. I have very little hope that things will change. But it is very hard on my end to go from ‘perfectly happy’ to over in what felt like an instant. Also, for him to give me the feeling trapped speech seemed ridiculous. He was always the one saying he thought about our future. I always encouraged enjoying today. I could have taken him telling me that he needed some time to grieve much better than him making it seem like I had put him under some pressure and that I wanted more than he did.
It doesn’t seem to make sense and I’m having a really hard time with it. He was a great guy who knew how badly my previous relationships were. He always said I could tell him my feelings and that I was safe with him. I can’t imagine losing a spouse of 20 years – and I was always supportive of him and his grief process. I just feel really used and confused.
Ladies all your comments are so precious for me.
Nothing is more interesting but the experience of each one of us.
It makes me thinking about my relation with him. He is not a bad man but maybe he still has this guilty feeling somewhere that he keeps him living with his ghosts.
I don’t really know what is the best excuse to give to explain his behavior.
I can’t go. I don’t want to lose him. Actually the only problem is the pictures. He speaks less of her. And he is more careful about me. But those horrible pictures are hunting me……
Kristine
Widows thought that they have the exclusivity of misery and unhappiness.
They become selfish.
Thank you Veronica. Its a hard thing to balance between: excusing their behavior because of their experience and being fair to yourself. He sent me an email yesterday letting me know that ‘he did not feel great about how things ended with us’ and that he had no intention of never seeing or speaking to me again but that it wasn’t his call to make. Finished it up with, ‘I hope this email is not out of line.” I saw no point in the email. I already knew he didn’t feel great about it but his feelings are not my responsibility and it almost seemed like he was looking for me to say it was all ok. It’s not ok. He was not open and honest about his feelings for me and because of that I allowed myself to get deeper and deeper and get hurt.
Kristine…ouch. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like it came on with no warning too, no red flags. That is hard. You are absolutely right, it’s not OK what he did. I don’t know if you let him have it with both barrels so to speak or simply let it hang in silence (Myself, I am terrible about just shutting up and not answering back)….but you are right to not let him off the hook. The fact that he refers to “the way things ended” makes it seem as if he’s simply looking for something to assuage his guilty conscience for hurting you and dumping you so suddenly.
Veronica,
I am no where close to being a relationship expert, but any time someone declares they “can’t” live without someone, it raises a red flag. Ultimately you have to decide whether the sadness and pain is worth it….and so far it seems as if you’ve figured that into the cost of the relationship. As long as he knows that you’ll excuse his behavior, what motivation is there for him to stop? You might continue years like this…but again, it is really your decision. I wish you luck and hope you make the right choice for YOU. My vote is still that you deserve much better.
I agree with the above posts…. while my situation was nowhere near as rough as what Veronica and Kristine are describing, it was still incredibly painful and difficult at the onset. So I feel for you ladies. Thing is, things didn’t change until I changed me, rather than trying to change his actions. I finally just got tired of explaining, cajoling, crying, discussing, arguing, strategizing, analyzing, blah blah etc. etc. And wound up telling my husband what I expected in a marriage and the type of husband I see myself being married to. And I gave him freedom to decide.
The basic message was, you have every right to think and feel whatever it is you think and feel. I can’t tell you it’s right, wrong, etc. What I CAN tell you is, I have absolutely no desire to be married to someone who is still emotionally caught up in or uber focused on a past relationship (with someone living or deceased, makes no difference to me). No desire to be married to someone who isn’t – frankly – fully on Team Elizabeth…. the same level of commitment I’m giving. When I finally stopped “trying” to make it all better and just calmly stated what I could see myself living with and what I couldn’t – and let him decide – everything changed. For the better. MUCH better.
As Beth said, it can be dangerous to feel that you “can’t live without someone” – it puts all of the power over your happiness into someone else’s hands. But, it can be hard to lay it down that way too… I had to risk him choosing otherwise. It was worth it though… and in the end, who wants to be committed to someone in marriage if you aren’t fully sure they’re 100% committed to you, and only you? I have the utmost respect for the past (mine and his) but frankly… I fully expect my marriage to involve two, and ONLY two, people. If he feels differently, of course that would be his choice… but it would also be my choice not to be in a marriage like that.
(And yes I realize this is far easier said than done… it took a good full two years of blood sweat and tears to get me to where I could calmly – and truthfully – lay down some boundaries and mean them. Before that, i was too afraid of the answers. Boy though, I’m glad I did… b/c we couldn’t be happier or stronger together now. And that’s the happy ending we’re all looking for, right?!
“Team Elizabeth”….LOVE IT!
I’m so glad that your struggles had a happy resolution…sounds like hubby ultimately made the right choices to be on “Team Elizabeth”
What we women sometimes have a hard time asking ourselves is “Is it better to be with someone who isn’t quite there yet and who may never be, or to risk being alone, at least for a time?” It’s a risky and scary thing but like Elizabeth said above, do you really WANT to be with someone who isn’t fully committed to you?
Thanx everyone for your support. Today is a particularly bad day and I’m not sure why other than everything feels so open ended. Beth, I did reply to his last email with EXACTLY how I felt about how he handled things and told him that while it was not my intent to never see or talk to him again, right now it was just too difficult. So now I have to trains of thought: 1) Let things be – if it is right he will come back when he’s ready and I may or not be accepting of that and 2) Let him know that the door is not slammed shut. I feel like my email may have made it sound like there was no hope and he strikes me as the kind of person who – even if he wanted to fix things – would not approach me if he felt like I was resolved. I have not felt like such a 16-year old lovesick girl since I was a 16-year old lovesick girl and its driving me crazy!
Kristine….I know the feeling and sorry you’re all twisted up over this. And while I still feel you shouldn’t let him off the hook–and it sounds like you didn’t, good for you!–I lean towards number 2 when it comes to the options you’re mulling. I tend to think that widowers, particularly in the first year can tend not to be “themselves.” He may very well come around and realize how wrong he was. I do think though, that after you indicate that the door isn’t slammed shut, that you leave it to HIM to make the next move. As difficult as that is to do. All you can do is put it all out there. Ball’s in his court…
Thanx Beth for the advice. I went to him last night – which is the first time I have actually seen him in person since before Christmas. I knocked on the door – told him that I just wanted him to know that the door was not slammed shut. He said that he appreciated it and that he “could not stand there and stay that he would never come looking for that open door”. Then I asked for some books of mine back and left. Although he did tell me how much his dog missed me. I feel amazingly better today. I think it was the closure that I needed. I have now done everything I could do and I can walk away knowing that.
I run a support group and one of the things that we work on is letting your feelings and wants be known without claiming responsibility for the other persons feelings. Those are not yours to deal with. This does not advocate being mean and not caring about feelings – rather being able to speak from your heart. I was so caught up in ‘cutting him slack’ that I forgot he is a person too and that I am not responsible for his feelings about what I say. So I guess that would be my advice to anyone dealing with these issues – speak from your heart – all you can honestly control are your own feelings. Widowers are people too and like Veronica said above – they are not the only ones who deal with pain and loss – we all do.
Thanks for the update Kristine….I hope that this has a good ending for you, either way!
This whole blog is so helpful. I wish I knew about it before I started dating widowers. I met a widower. He is 5 years widowed I am 3 y. We had two awesome dates. With a lot in common, chemistry and all. We are both recently out of relationships. His was 2.5 y mine 8 months. I recall telling him at dinner that if a man didn’t know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me after a year of dating that I would want to be let go so I can find someone that did.
We communicate well and this morning he expressed to me thatch felt confused as the breakup of his ex sparked grievance for his lw whom he knew since he was 14y and lead him to the question does he even know what love is. He said he was confused and needed a friend right now but he didn’t want to cutoff communication with me as he told me earlier that we might have something he. I assured him he could be friends and keep in touch till he sorted things out. I told him I respected him for his honestly and not jumping into things with me. He told me that he felt he was comparing me to past relationships and knew that that wasn’t fair to me.
So, I am going to take my own advice and just be friends with him with hopes that he gets his emotions in order but he will soon be 49y old and I 45 y. Was just wondering what the experts say on this? Should I forget him and just move on and how long do you think this will take? BTW, his 2.5 y breakup was about the same time as mine approx.6 weeks ago. I am feel in he is worth the wait but what do I know after two dates?
Ladies, take it from me. I dated a widower for 5 years and heard all the same selfish nonsense you are experiencing or experienced. These are SELFISH men. Stop putting them first, stop being understanding, stop being patient, but stop and smell the coffee. They are playing with your heads and your hearts and/or you are not really listening. No woman should be with any man who doesn’t have their back 100% and visa versa. MOVE ON…. You are better off alone than disecting, crying, wishing and hoping and trying to figure things out. You are giving them control. Instead, take control, move on, don’t look back and don’t get SUCKED into the same situation again, widowed or divorced! Instead of crumbling as many women do, start RUNNING away from these selfish people!
Karen thank you. You are so right. I take you are not with your widower any more. What is it that these men really want? They are a bunch of basket cases. He did text me yesterday to see how I was. Well today would be the day to call that is if he is not too selfish. Hope you have a nice Valentines day. Thank you again for your response.
@Susie-No, I am not with the widower. We connected on every level-a natural match. The widowed issues would keep resurfacing from time to time. Instead of moving FORWARD with minor setbacks, we’d move forward and have MAJOR setbacks, all widower related. The relationship went in CIRCLES, not FORWARD. And, in the end, he said, “We can be friends, right?”…I said no to that. I was patient and gave this person 5 years to get it right, more than I should have. If he couldn’t respect my wishes when I was with him, was being friends going to change anything? Nothing was ever going to change, it was very one sided. The relationship was about him, very one sided, and how do I fit into his life, not how can we compromise and make us both happy? Why would anyone want to give someone like this more of their time? I told him if we break up, I wasn’t looking back. He didn’t believe me. I heard from him for birthdays and Christmas for over 2 years. I never responded. It was horribly difficult but I knew I had to be strong and now I truly have moved on. Ladies, if you hear the words, “I’m not sure what I want”, “I’m confused”, “I’m still trying to get over my wife”, “Can we be friends?”, “I think I need more time”, “I’m not sure etc”, “My children don’t like my dating ” and they’re married–>RUN, RUN, RUN. This goes for widowers and any man. Susie, I hope you didn’t return this guys text. The text he sent is to keep you hooked. He needs a connection, no matter how simple. Something (for him) is better than nothing.
You are so right. I am so sorry for your pain. He didn’t contact me for Valintines day and that was really crummy being other guys did. Thank you so much for your input. Next time he contacts me I should really ignore it. Like you said it is all about him. Swishing you a true love that never fails. God bless you.
I too wasted four years on a widower who was happy to go to a movie or out to eat once a week with physical intimacy thrown in. Never the word love mentioned. Pictures of the lw on every wall, every nook and cranny, It felt like she was going to walk in from the grocery store any minute. If I left any personal belongings at his house it would be waiting for me at the front door the next time I went there. There were never discussions of the future. I finally got sick of it and told him I needed time alone He got online dating and ended up telling me that I had traits and problemns that would preclude going beyond the dating phase.
Ladies, don’t waste your time with these men, they are using women for their own self serving purposes and have no feelings when they decide to move on. I am left with a broken heart and the knowledge I wasted four good years on a very selfish man.
@Rita — Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry it was a bad expereince but your story will be able to help others get out of a bad situation.
[...] January 5 | How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On [...]
Hello all.
I am joining this forum as a way of dealing the passing of my wife of 22 years. It has been a little over 2 months now. At first, I thought I was handing things well, but then things got messy.
A friend of mine found this site to be helpful as she tries to deal with me, so I will also dive into it as well. Thank you for providing this avenue for growth and healing. This is my first post.
Thinking I was better prepared than I actually was, I began the process of filling the lonliness in my life much too early. Eventually, I realized that I was reacting out of the fear of having to go on alone. That fear caused me to do many stupid things, hurting people that I cared about. Fortunately, I am surrounded by people who cared enough about me to stand by me and support me, even when I do stupid things. I’m now ready to step back and relax my way into this new life that I must figure out. I’m really looking forward to it.
Thanks for sharing your story, Gary. Hope you continue to find the site helpful.
Hi I am new to this site what a wonderful resource thank you for making it available! I have been dating a widower for two years. He lost LW on Christmas Day nine years ago. I am struggling now with a recent change in his affection and attention to me/us, leading up to and intensifying just before Christmas and it still lingers now. I’ve given a lot to him – time and understanding, which I know has made a tremendous difference in his and his son’s life. I’ve made it easy for him – I’ve lived in his house part time when my kids are with their dad – for about 18 months. W talks about the future, what it will be like to grow old together, but at the same time has offered up some very inconsistent reasons why he doesn’t want to live together or ever get married again. Over Christmas last week his son (age 17) broke down in tears on Christmas Eve missing his mother. Christmas night we came home to his house and LWs pictures were back up all over the house. We had a long talk which began as a blowup on my part over the pictures, which he said he put up to comfort his son. But they were mostly pictures of him with LW, not the son. I explained it’s hard to feel secure about the future of our relationship when we take such a big step backwards, and again he offered some pretty lame reasons why we can’t live together. I am at war with myself – loving him and hoping for a future, while a part of me is pretty sure he was not ever, and still is not, interested in anything other than long term companionship that does not require him to make any big changes in his life. I’m kind of worn out. He is going through the motions right now to show me some attention, but really it just vanished….suddenly….just before the anniversary of LWs death. I’m not even asking a question I don’t think, just finding it hard to be objective…even as I write this I’m looking across the room at pictures of lots of wonderful memories of our last two years together. It’s a lot invested. But with no sign of him wanting to make any plans for the future…I have a hard time believing that we will survive this recent episode of him pushing me away…..
I had to leave my widower because he in the end did not respect me as his wife, nor committed or loved me. He was not ready to marry. He actually started hating me by his actions. Three times I tried to get my widower to talk to me, and work it out, but he told me to leave. It was awful when I realized I loved someone who could not love me back.. He has moved on getting married again soon. I sit here mending a broken heart. I loved him immensely and his children, but he did not like my personality .But the biggest thing I was not his late wife,