Widower Wednesday: Holiday Decorations
November 23rd, 2011 | 9 comments
Here’s the first of my widower-related holiday issues. If you have a holiday subject you’d like me to address, drop me an email.
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Dear Abel,
I took a leap of faith and married a widower with three teenage girls back in April. So far things have been great with only a handful of minor speed bumps along the way. With the holidays coming up, we’re hitting our first major problem: The children want to decorate the tree and house using the late wife’s decorations. While I’m not opposed to using some of her decorations, I’d like the holidays and the home to feel like we’re starting a new chapter in our lives and would like to put up some new decorations too. I talked to the widower about this and he says decorating the house was “her thing” and has left me to sort it out. I’ve talked to the daughters about it and I get the impression that they don’t want to change anything when it comes to decorating the house. I’m afraid that have only her decorations up for the holidays a living hell for me. Do you have any suggestions on how to make the holiday decorations in our home one that we all can enjoy?
Best,
Emily*
Dear Emily,
I think you’re doing the right thing by wanting to mix some new decoration with the old. It seems like that’s a reasonable solution that will help everyone make your home a place where everyone can feel comfortable.
However, your husband is going to have to get a little more involved this year than normal. The holiday decorations may have been “her thing” in the past but he’s not married to her any more. Even if he wants to turn it over from you, his daughters will probably have an easier time with mixing things up a bit if he sits them down and lets them know that in addition to some of the traditional ornaments and lights, they’re going to add some new ones as well.
So here’s my two suggestions: 1) Sit the widower down and tell him that you need his help in order to make this holidays a smooth one. Emphasize how much you love him and the new family and want to make this a special time for everyone but this year he has to let the kids know that there will some new decorations thrown into the mix. In order to make this happen, he’s going to have to be a parent and lovingly talk to his kids about this subject.
2) Involve his daughters. This means letting them pick some ornaments or other decorations that they want up. While they do this make a rough list of new decorations to buy then all of you spend an afternoon shopping. Throw in lunch and a movie if that helps. Don’t make it about you but about all four of you having a good time and finding things to add holiday cheer to the house. It will give you guys a chance to bond and let the girls feel like they have a say in what kind of decorations are going up in the house.
Remember everyone is starting a new chapter this holiday season—not just you. The best way to keep everyone in the holiday spirit is to get everyone involved.
*Name changed.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Emily,
Congratulations on jumping in to mother teenagers! It sounds like you are doing quite well. The advice from Abel sounds good for your holiday decorating situation.
- If you have any advice/comments on being an instant mother of teenagers, I’m sure it would be appreciated by many visiting this site.
Thanks, Trina. I don’t know if I have much to offer in way of advice. I’ve never been a parent before and really don’t know what I’m doing. Kind of learning as I go. Prob make more mistakes than anything. lol.
Trina, Emily, yes, very much so! I, too, married a widower with three teenage daughters (and a host of former in laws to boot). One can never find too much advice!! PS Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Sometimes the simplest things can help us widowers out:
“1) Sit the widower down and tell him”
Agreed.
Great advice. I don’t think it’s fair to make a new wife/stepmother deal with this on her own. It’s not a decorating issue, it’s a family dynamics issue.
Creating a new tradition that isn’t blasted with “it’s my holiday too” is a way to go.
On another note, why refer to your husband as a widower? By definition (and yes, I did check the dictionary), a widow/widower is someone who chooses not to remarry after a spouse’s death. Your husband forfeited that title when he married you.
Good luck. I am sure there is a good compromise here.
Hi Karen,
I think the widower comment was just habit. I used to write to Abel when I was dating my W and that what I referred to him as. I DONT think of him as a widower any more. Must have gone back into “writing Abel” mode. lol.
Just wanted everyone to know that everything worked out for the most part. The girls were kind of resistant to getting new decorations at first but we had such a good time shopping that everyone seemed to be in a good mood by the end.
Also my husband stepped up and got involved which helped a lot. If he hadn’t done that I don’t think it would have happened. I’m a lucky woman.
Hey, Emily.
Sounds like a great guy. Does he have a brother? jk