Widower Wednesday: Grief Counseling
February 23rd, 2011 | 42 comments
An emailer writes:
My [widower] boyfriend has a lot of feelings of anger/guilt/frustration/sadness that surfaces now a little more frequently than it did in the beginning of our relationship. I’m realizing he may not be ready for a relationship, sadly, just yet. However, in general, I do believe he could greatly benefit from grief counseling/therapy. I’ve mentioned this idea to him a couple times (as have many people), and he seems resistant to it. My question: is it a bad idea to continue to push this idea?
Don’t push it. Sending someone to grief counseling who doesn’t want to go is just as effective as a sending a drug or alcohol addict who hasn’t hit bottom to rehab. In order for any kind of counseling to even be remotely effective the person has to be willing to accept help. If your boyfriend doesn’t want it, pushing it is only going to make him resent you and others who are suggesting it.
I’m not a big fan of grief counseling. I think it’s been oversold as a solution to those who have lost a loved one. The loss of a spouse doesn’t make you a victim who requires professional help. Most people can work through the loss of their spouse without the help of a professional. Most people are better off without it.
From what I’ve read 6 to 12 months after a loss of a loved one, most people are doing just fine. Only 10% of widows/widowers will need some sort of grief counseling and generally they’re the ones who are still grieving after a year after their spouse passed.
There’s a new book by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg called The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and The New Science of Loss. Though I haven’t had the time to read it yet, Annie has read it and written a great summary of the book on her blog. From what I’ve read on her blog and elsewhere, it seems to mirror my own conclusions from 2005 that grief counseling doesn’t benefit most people and it could be holding some people back from moving on.
Update: A reader, Ted, sent a link from a recent Time magainze article by Kongsberg. It’s a good read. An excerpt:
Our modern, atomized society had been stripped of religious faith and ritual and no longer provided adequate support for the bereaved. And so a new belief system — call it the American Way of Grief — rose up to help organize the experience. As this system grew more firmly established, it allowed for less variation in how to handle the pain of loss. So while conventions for mourning, such as wearing black armbands or using black-bordered stationery, have all but disappeared, they have been replaced by conventions for grief, which are arguably more restrictive in that they dictate not what a person wears or does in public but his or her inner emotional state. Take, for example, the prevailing notion that you must give voice to your loss or else it will fester. “Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process,” Kübler-Ross advised in her final book, On Grief and Grieving, which was published in 2005, a year after her death. “You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed.” This mandate borrows from the psychotherapeutic principle of catharsis, which gives it an empirical gloss, when in fact there is little evidence that “telling your story” helps alleviate suffering.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I like that you took the stance on this as not required. So many times therapy is pushed that when someone bad happens, it’s something you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DO TO GET THROUGH IT. I also don’t believe it to be true, just like not everyone should go on anti-depressants, etc, to get through things. Thanks for sharing your take!
Agreed. It’s worthless. It’s actually held some of my friends and family back.
One thing I found about moving into a new relationship was that as it got more serious and our feelings (he and I both were widowed) things “came up” more. It subsides though as new routines are established and intimacy grows. But one thing that I personally found not helpful was other people reading my emotions as an indication that I was still grieving. I wasn’t. I was reorganizing and that can be messy.
My husband had not been widowed a year when we married. As the anniversary of his first wife’s death approached, he had bad days here and there, but it had nothing to do with me or us and I let him be. I was there if he needed me but otherwise, it was his to deal with.
I think we sometimes – in our wanting to help – forget that somethings are not about us or the relationship. Suggesting counseling b/c it would make us feel as though we have done something helpful or under the impression it will further our relationships might be an impulse best resisted. I remember a gentleman on a dating site suggesting I needed counseling to help me move on b/c I declined to go out on a date with him. Altruism, imo, is seldom the motivation for making the suggestion that someone else seek professional help.
Actually psychologists will tell you that the bereaved should not be steered toward counseling in the the first six months and only after if they are clearly having difficulty functioning with daily life.
Counseling isn’t required to “successfully” grieve and recover. However, as a mental healthcare consumer prior to and after becoming a widow (and currently, as a headshrinker’s girlfriend), I’d add that no one should ever be ashamed for seeking *any* form of therapy, whether in a group, individual talk, medication, aggressively over-sharing, or hording chocolate.
Perhaps it’s better to say counseling isn’t a panacea for grief. There really isn’t a shortcut around grieving or a correct method and timeline for it.
We’re not very patient with unhappy or uncomfortable feelings in ourselves or others. Sometimes we just need to feel like hell. A good therapist can help validate their patient’s need to feel like hell, not just jolly them along.
I’m dating a widower who is just starting to go to counseling. His late wife died almost 10 months ago. We met about 4 months after she died. He seemed happy and adjusted then, but a few months later he sunk into a pretty deep depression. He’s definitely having difficulty functioning with daily life. He wasn’t pushed into going though. I brought it up and he readily agreed. I sure hope this is the right thing for him and that it will help him.
@Annie — I think your experience w/ the man who suggested counceling shows how much some people simply think it’s needed or requried. It’s not. It’s good for some people, but not everyone.
@Beth — I agree that one should never feel ashamed for seeking
help. And, yes, sometimes we just need to feel like hell befpre we can fill better.
@Erin — I hope it helps him. Keep us posted.
What about for kids having difficulty adjusting to the loss of a parent? Anyone have any good resources?
@M My twins were not quite 4 years old when their father died. Their pediatrician was aware of everything as he was dying and helped me explain what happened in ways they could understand.
He also flagged some behavior that would indicate they were struggling with the loss. A recent study said it’s almost impossible to overstate how deeply a child feels a parent’s death, but there isn’t a lot of research about what really helps them cope with it.
For now, my kids see counselors at a university child counseling center. I chose this program rather than a private doctor because I liked their cooperative approach to the kids. The program also offered parent counseling for me to better understand and meet their needs.
My recommendation to widowed parents is to start with their pediatrician and see what options they suggest.
M, an excellent book for kids is by Jill Kermentz called “How it Feels when a Parent Dies.” A variety of children who have lost parents tell their story. The underlying message is that though this is painful, each child has moved forward with life.
I used to work with children. I never found a better resource; they’d always find a child they identified with.You can get it from Amazon.
I also think it’s nice for children to make some sort of memory book of the parent. Good luck.
I despised the few sessions I went to, I think they made me feel worse.
But I don’t like the idea that those of us who are still grieving after a year do need counseling. It will be two years next month and I’m still grieving his death. I don’t think grief has an expiration date.
Agree, Beth. No one should hesitate to reach out and find help. My issue with the ’5 stages’ of grief is that it is a template that doesn’t fit, at least not me. For a time, I felt as if I had missed something or that I had not had ‘authentic’ grief because those steps I read about didn’t seem to match my experience, which is to say, that my grief, for the most part, just ‘turned off’ at the 5 – 6 month mark. What I DID need and did seek was counseling BEFORE my late wife’s death. The stress of care-taking, seeing the woman I loved slip downward with her illness as I lost her, like sand sifting through my fingers—-that’s what was tearing me apart physically and emotionally. And the counseling, basic as it was, helped. Her actual death was like the denouement of a complicated story. The plot climax had already been passed by the time she actually died. I recall shedding more tears and feeling terrible anguish alone in a hospital waiting room two years before her death when she had her first cranial bleed and prognosis became clear. Yes, at the time of her death and months afterward, I was definitely in grief but in retrospect it was not overwhelming pain. It was sort of a feeling like pain in a muscle after a major and lengthy period of exertion. In a sense, the pain of grief at the time of death was a sort of comfort as it indicated the worst experience I had ever had in my life was over. That was my experience. Had she passed away under different, perhaps more sudden circumstances, I can’t say it would have occurred like it did.
@Kim — Its not people who are still grieving after a year who might need it but those who have a hard time functioning or getting through the day after the year. You’re right that grief never really goes away but most of us don’t let us control out lives.
@Ted — Thanks for the link and thanks for sharing your story. Glad counceilng was able to help.
@Carol — Thanks for the resource.
Another thought, as I re-read my post above. What I posted seems so self-centered. I should add that at the time of her death, and that grief period afterwards, I knew right away that my LW was finally at peace emotionally and physically. No more terrible headaches. No more confusion. She was in her reward and her body was perfected in the hereafter. I missed her indeed. But was comforted knowing she was at rest.
@Ted, my husband died after a long illness and it’s not selfish to feel relief and be comforted by the fact that our spouses are finally “okay” again. Caretaking is, imo, worse than widowhood in terms of stress and grief. And it’s a different scenario for us than those who lost their spouses suddenly.
@Beth, my daughter had a memory board with pictures for a long time. Now the pics are in an album. It helped her probably more than the counseling she got through hospice. She attended the group once a month for about a year but eventually, it got to a point where it was more like picking a scab than actual help and she asked to quit. She’s had no issues since. Children are remarkable resilient if they are allowed to be.
Annie….amen to stress-relief after shedding the role of caregiver. It has been 4+ years since LW’s death. My dear ol’ 90 year old father recently told me that I was a new man (he could see it in my face) shortly after LW’s death. When in the midst of trying to drain the swamp, one doesn’t take time to look in the mirror, but others, including my aged parents, could see the changes in my face and demeanor. A great weight had been lifted from their son for whom they prayed every night (as well as my other siblings and all their children) at bedtime.
My experience with grief counseling has actually been good. However, my perspective is different from what I’ve seen here. I’m noticing that most people look at counseling and therapy in such a defensive manner, it’s as if they think they’re admitting a weakness by going.
Oddly enough, I felt empowered by seeking counseling and guidance for what I knew was completely foreign to me. Before my husband died, I had no idea what it was like to lose a spouse, and I can tell you that it was much different from my previous divorce, or the grief I felt losing family members.
I also looked at grief counseling differently than therapy. Counseling to me was/is a brief support system for guidance in my first months. Therapy, if I felt I needed it, was more of a long term assistance. I have not had therapy. But I did partake in counseling.
I went in the beginning because I had little support otherwise. It gave me great relief to be told that what I was feeling was OK, and to be able to talk to someone who listened without having advice. At the time, that’s all I kept getting: advice.
If there is anything that I’ve observed in the past three years as a widow, it is that ALL of us grieve slightly differently than one another. Sure, there are similarities, but in truth, our ability to process our grief is contingent upon how we were taught to deal with any major life change. Since there is no real objective perspective on any subject, our own individual perspectives supersede in accordance with our individual response to our own grief. This is why I do not give any more advice to the very newly widowed, other than “Drink water and be kind to yourself.”
My answer is always: Whatever works for an individual should be supported.( And naturally, I do not believe that extends to self-destructive behaviors such as illegal drugs and alcohol abuse.)
Maria, your kind of situation or ‘take’ on this, especially your ‘Whatever works” comment is specifically covered in the article which I quote:
“the information being used to help the bereaved was misaligned with the latest research, which increasingly indicates that grief is not a series of steps that ultimately deposit us at a psychological finish line but rather a grab bag of symptoms that come and go and, eventually, simply lift.”
My resistance to the ’5 step’ approach is not a digression from counseling but a rejection of one-size fits all, which is in line with your post. Insisting that a 5 step program needs to be held to, in my opinion, is like insisting that a fellow who over-imbibed once on a New Years Eve should sign up for the 12-step program.
I am dating a widower who has just started counseling. My experience is similar to Erin’s. He has been a widower for almost 14 months. When we started dating he seemed ready to move forward. However in the last six weeks, all endearments towards me were removed from his vocabulary. I have struggled not to take it personally since I truly can not walk in his shoes and am not privy to what goes on his thoughts. But I need advice; do I continue to support him, knowing he has to deal with his grief on his own or do I confront him with how isolated I feel?
I’m coming up on the year anniversary and I don’t feel any better than I did the day after it happened. I think the person who wrote in their article that we should “feel better in 6-12 months”has no clue what he/she is talking about. I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely better or completely happy ever again and that is just so sad. I’ve started counseling…I like talking to the counselor but I absolutely hate when “time is up”. I wish I could talk to her for a whole day and get it all over with. I think the fact that I only see her twice a month is not helping. I wish I could see her every day.
@Birdie, perhaps you should just ask him what’s going on and tell him how you are feeling. You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but it’s possible that his pulling away doesn’t have anything to do with his being widowed. When I was dating, men blamed my lack of interest on an imagined grief when the truth was we didn’t click. That’s why we date after all, to get to know people and sometimes as we do, our initial feelings cool. Regardless, asking us isn’t going to get you the answers you need to make a decision about what is right for you. Ultimately, you must do what is best for you. Talk to him. Good luck.
@Pam, I think the author’s time frame is referring to active grieving and not the missing and occasional moments of more intense sadness that can still come up.
@Birdie, I VERY much can relate to how you feel and your concerns. I personally believe that no matter what the situation is, a person should always feel important in a relationship. I’ve struggled recently with feeling as if I’m continually 2nd to my boyfriend’s late wife (he’s approaching the 16 month mark of her death). While I have GREAT sympathy for him, and have continued to stick by him and console him, I also felt it was necessary to let him know I felt like I was getting left behind a large shadow. I had explained to him that I can completely understand if he does not feel as if he is ready for a relationship. However, I believe the decision to BE in a relationship also implies that both parties feel important and meaningful to one another at all times (or at least MOST of the time). We’ve struggled with the idea of him being really ready, and unfortunately, I think they don’t know if they’re really ready unless they give a new relationship a shot. To me, that was the risk I was willing to take knowingly going into the relationship. It’s NOT easy, but most of the time, I feel that it’s worth my time and feelings.
I’m sure you’ve been as supportive as you possible can to your boyfriend considering the situation he’s in, and I think it’s fair to bring up a concern of yours that you two can address together. HIS feelings/sadness/concerns matter, but YOURS do too.
@D – Thank you for taking the time to share what you have/are going through. Your words and Annie’s have given me much to reflect upon. These last few weeks have been a learning experience for me. I always knew there were 3 people in our relationship; my boyfriend, me and his wife. He was loved deeply and we can only be so blessed. But I had not anticipated this turn in our relationship. I struggle with wanting to fix it; but I also know that much of this is in God’s hands. One of my favorite sayings is “Believing that God could work miracles in my life was one thing; being willing to step aside and let him do his work was another.”
I will continue to be supporting and will love tenderly because that is who I am. But I will take your advice and share with him my feelings as well.
@Birdie, @D,
My heart goes out to both of you and the difficulties of your situations…I really hope for your sakes that you are able to find some peace–whether it be the hard way of ending the relationship and moving past it or some resolution within it where your guy(s) realize that they need to make a conscious choice to be with YOU and put you first in the relationship. Nobody should have to feel like second string. It’s not fair to you and your hearts…you deserve to feel–and be–number one in the hearts of your men.
On the general topic of counseling–I think, personally that it is a very individual thing–each situation and person is unique. I believe that the therapist or counselor is important too; there are good ones out there and there are bad ones. If one feels as if they are getting “better” and it is helping them heal, then so be it. If one feels they are being dragged down and possibly feeling worse by going to the counselor, then stop seeing that person, look for someone else, or stop going altogether.
I do think, though, that the eventual goal of counseling is for the counseled to not need the therapy anymore, rather than becoming a life long crutch. All therapy should be temporary, from my perspective.
@Birdie… I think you are receiving some great advice on this site. I think what’s hard sometimes to really take to heart in these situations is that it’s OKAY to feel the way you feel.
I know, for me, for a long time I felt like I was being selfish, insecure, etc. for wanting only two people in my relationship. It took me awhile (and a lot of blog reading on Abel’s site!) to realize that not only is it ok, it’s normal, and it’s healthy. While I definitely advocate being sympathetic and understanding to a point, I think sometimes we (and esp we women) can take that too far, and wind up placing ourselves in the very position we most fear.
Be loving, be sympathetic, be understanding….to a point. And then get comfortable knowing that there’s a place where that stops, and you become an advocate for yourself and your relationship, not his past tragedy.
My husband is a former widower…. and my stepping up and being strong, telling him what I expected in a partner (widowed or not) is what put our relationship back on course. Interestingly, and I’ve used this example before…. while my husband initially expected me to be comfortable with the proverbial “emotional threeway”, he had ZERO interest in participating in one if it involved someone from MY past that I had loved.
Sometimes it’s stepping back and looking at the situation differently that helps folks move forward.
Just my two cents’ worth, but, I found that my being overly sympathetic and overly sensitive to what he’d gone through paved the way to my being second priority in our marriage and our family. When I firmed up, things changed for the better… much better! I hope this helps… and my heart goes out to you, b/c these situations are NOT for the faint of heart.
I should have also said @D in my earlier post. Thx!
“Be loving, be sympathetic, be understanding….to a point. And then get comfortable knowing that there’s a place where that stops, and you become an advocate for yourself and your relationship, not his past tragedy.”
That’s really good advice, Elizabeth.
Thanks, Abel, and happy anniversary!!!
The words you posted to your wife couldn’t have been more perfect, IMO. Enjoy your special day together!
@Elizabeth, “up to a point” is right on. I don’t think this is just a widower thing. Divorced and never married men will also take advantage of a never ending well of sympathy if allowed too.
You can’t build a relationship on feeling sorry for someone or propping someone up constantly. Actually, I don’t think being anything other than yourself and asking for what you need is out of line right from the start. Someone who needs a lot of hand-holding in the dating process is probably not ready to be dating anyway.
You and your SO should be primary to each other once you are in a committed relationship. Above past relationships, ext fam and even children. And if you are still in the dating phase and this is what you want at some point – say so.
@Annie, I’m so glad that you point out “even children.” Sometimes this can feel unnatural (b/c the “kids were there first”) but it’s absolutely crucial. I’ve seen blog advice that says “the kids preceded you, they’ll always be first, etc.”. I think sometimes we confuse priority with importance. The children will always be of utmost importance – his and mine – but our relationship with each other is critical, it’s the foundation of the family.
And when there are loyalty conflicts, respect issues, etc., you HAVE to be able to take a hard line and say “this is my wife/husband and you will behave this way toward her/him.” Otherwise, you’re in for some serious issues. (And I think this is true of parents and bio children too… our counselor once told me that if his (bio) children speak disrespectfully to their mother, instead of saying “Don’t speak to your mother that way” he says “Don’t speak to MY WIFE that way.”) Same is true in remarriages with stepchildren, spouse is the primary priority.
Oops, got a little off subject! At any rate, Annie, you’re spot on…the most basic (and helpful) advice would be… the “rules” aren’t any different just b/c this person once lost someone b/c of death. If you wouldn’t allow some other guy to make his ex-girlfriend or former wife more important than you, why allow this one to? Frankly, I’ve set the expectation that I don’t expect any differences in commitment level, financial dealings, etc. etc. etc. between my husband and myself than I would if it were our first marriage. Simply being second in chronology doesn’t change the basic tenets of marriage. (At least not to me!)
Once you embrace this idea, it makes sorting out the rest much simpler. (And if that doesn’t work, try my tried and true “on the other foot” approach…whenever the subject has come up about focusing on, honoring, etc. someone I loved in my past, my husband suddenly was no longer in such a hurry to ressurect the past.)
The best way to help someone “get it” is to let them spend some time (even if it’s rhetorical) in your shoes.
Hope this helps! (and hope it doesn’t sound too harsh)… but this is from someone who was WAYYYYYYY far the other way for a long time, and worked very hard to get to where I am now… and it saved our marriage.!
@Elizabeth, The children come first thing is nonsense, imo, and a recipe for disaster in marriage regardless of circumstances. My husband and I are firm believers that the couple is the core of a stable family and that children are important but not central.
Actually, any “honoring” that has come up is always kid driven. Left to ourselves, there would not be much by way of “honoring” aside from living life. As my daughter has come to see my husband as her dad (she was just 3 when her bio-dad died and really only knows my husband as a father), her need to observe anniversaries has dwindled to nothing. My step-daughters are adults and they have established rituals that really are for them alone. They don’t even include their dad anymore. Their choice, as he has let them know he is available should they want him around.
We have new rituals as a family and no one is throw out of joint when memories are discussed (almost always with joy and laughter). I feel blessed in my husband and daughters.
R has never given me any reason to feel second or in a 3 way, and I hope I have not given him cause either.
@Annie, you seem so emotionally healthy! lol Your post echoes my sentiments exactly. That has been a challenge in my newly-formed family… the ability to remember and honor in a positive, healthy way. Some of this is driven by my husband’s LW’s family, who seem to thrive on the darker tragic side of things. I’ve done my level best to try and redirect my stepchildren to the positives (their mother’s LIFE, rather than her death), etc. Since I”m a mother myself, I’m fairly certain that is what she would want for her daughters. But, as you’ve stated in several of your posts, we, as a society, have some odd notions about life, death and the notion of moving forward after grief. I often find that I”m int he minority with my thoughts. (Fortunately, my husband is starting to open up and see things in new and more healthy ways… but it hasn’t been easy… those societal views and conditionings are quite strong.)
Thanks so much for sharing your viewpoints in these blog posts. You have no idea how much you have helped me get my head on straight and feel empowered in my marriage and family (long before I ever felt comfortable posting about it!)
@ Elizabeth, I don’t know how healthy I am, but R and I were just on the same page about marriage, family, and kids. The first email he ever sent me was titled “Hey there Evil Twin” b/c we are so much alike.
I think though you hit the nail on the head that some of what goes on is brought into our new families by in-laws and friends – people who have no business imposing their thoughts and issues really. We’ve been quite fortunate that ours haven’t been inclined to cause trouble for its own sake and have mostly been quite happy for us and supportive.
My late husband’s mother is prone to negativity – always has been – and I have had to be quite firm with her on what is/isn’t appropriate. And that, I think, is key. Setting boundaries and enforcing them.
It’s not easy being a step-parent. I think we forget that our relationships with bio-children was not instant but growing with time and interaction and so it is too with step-children.
I don’t think that you and I are minority thinkers in the population at large though, but in the widow world, especially online – we might be. I am glad that my thoughts and stories have been helpful and that Abel has generously provided us with a space. You are pretty wise yourself and have shared many things that I am sure have inspired others who read here too.
@Annie. that is wonderful that you and your husband are on such sure footing with one another! It’s interesting to me, the comments you made about your late husband’s mother and being prone to negativity, and the ensuing boundaries set. In my situation, my husband’s LW’s family was his only social circle, only friends, etc. for years when he was married to LW. So when we married, not only did their intrusiveness “cause problems” so to speak, but, my husband would defer to them and their feelings as primary in importance. I
t’s been a long struggle to get him to where he is / we are now, but I can still say, when I read your post, that I still don’t think my husband would outwardly set boundaries. He might inwardly / quietly agree with me, but push come to shove, he wouldn’t stand up to them in any tangible way. I
think he (and his children) perceive their status as somehow sacred or untouchable by virtue of their having lost a daughter/sister. I’ve tried to “normalize” some of that by being open, honest, creating an environment where we talk about happy mom things ,not tragic ones, etc. It’s difficult to articulate, but suffice to say, it was all a very unsettling surprise for a newly married woman to encounter!
Any advice you have in this regard would be welcomed as well… while I like his LW’s family, and want to be sensitive to what they’ve been through and be as inclusive as possible… as I”ve told my husband, both he and they need to understand that it’s now time for him to be fully positioned on Team Elizabeth first…. others second. Maybe I can send my husband to Annie Camp for a week or two?
My LH’s mother was one who needed boundaries constantly spelled out from day one and my LH’s was loathe to do it, so I was the heavy. It certainly did nothing to set the stage for harmony when he was ill. MIL was a young widow. She reveled in the role and LH felt a lot of guilt over his mother’s “lonely” lifestyle. I imagine had he not died, I’d be fighting the boundary wars still – winning mostly as LH usually went along with me. He didn’t disagree. Just wanted me to be the “bad guy”. I disliked her enough over time that I did that for him gladly.
R’s in-laws are not of the same mold and he let everyone know early on that he saw another relationship and marriage in his future. He felt that at 45 he was not ready to give up on the idea of love. So it wasn’t anything I did. We just agreed that our life together was not open to input from the peanut gallery.
Agreement is key but someone has to be enforcer if it’s called for. We don’t have that issue and so have avoided what I think is probably common in marriages – one person having to be the heavy. I did that in my first marriage and am glad it’s not part of my second. It’s exhausting,
Navigating extended family is sometimes a work in progress, but you have every right to expect to be supported and your husband’s primary concern.
Camp Annie? I am think that perhaps a Camp Abel is probably more in order.
@Annie, you’re spot on again when you talk about someone “reveling in the role.” That is exactly the dynamic I’m working with (and the one being reinforced consistently with my stepchildren). For the life of me I can’t understand why anyone would want kids to grow up that way, but… again… people have odd ideas about grief and love sometimes.
You’re right, I think my husband would quietly/secretly support me, but would need me to be the enforcer (ie the “bad guy.”) Thing is, in a a stepfamily situation, esp one involving the death of a parent, it’s almost like stepmother suicide to go there… esp when the subjects touch on the deceased parents’ family, priority, etc.
Maybe a week at Camp Annie and a week at Camp Abel. LOL And now I’ll hush up… I think I’ve become a blog hog today without realizing it! (lol) Thanks again to everyone for sharing your perspectives, and thanks again to Abel for providing the forum to do so. So much more convenient than therapy, and less expensive too.
@Annie, Elizabeth — Camp Abel. He he. I like that idea. Anyway, just wanted you two to know there are a lot of people who email me and mention how much they appercaite your comments and those of others on these blog posts. It helps them more than you know. Maybe this is the online version of Camp Abel.
@Abel, Lol, thanks! I’m thinking some sort of retreat, where we can have a panel of experts reaffirm these messages, so that women don’t spend 2-3 years (like I did) to “get it” and feel better. I say Camp Abel needs to have spa options as well… and some tequila wouldn’t be unwelcome.
Thanks again for all the time you devote to helping us. I think most people would be surprised to know just how difficult it can be until you get your head on straight and advocate for yourself. I”m perpetually thankful for you (and those on your blog) who have been my virtual therapists for the past couple years (with no concrete end in sight! lol) Have a great day!
Imo one of the best uses for counseling in a W situation is for the W and GOW jointly. It helped me and my dh say the things we were afraid to say to each other one on one. He got a better understanding of why things bothered me, and I understood better where he really was in his process, rather than constantly fearing the worst.
I am sorry Abel but you really do talk a load of nonsense
@Sally — In what way?
Help!!! I’m dating a man for 3 years who is a widower of 5 years. Its been 5 years his month (december) always a bad time of year for his family. Problem is the guilt he is feeling for having a loving relationship with me. Also now we have talked about moving in together and I think we both have got frighten off .. we have 6 children (6, 9, 14, 17, 20, 22). But I don’t know if I can complete with her anymore … know it sounds really selfish on my part. But its hard when you love someone and they can’t give you it all. He said he thinks he might need councilling but I don’t know. Any advice is good …. i;m so confused.
Cancer is both cruel and kind to those who are the spouse of someone who is ill.
In the Bible, Ephesians 5:31 says “31 “…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Every time my late wife received bad news or a new treatment it was like a part of MY flesh was being torn away as well. Because of this, I had been grieving for my wife for years when she passed away.
The KIND side of cancer is that it gives you time to say good-bye. As ‘the time’ came close, I had ample opportunities to show my devotion to her, to hold her, tell her that I love her, and to prepare myself for her passing. It was actually a relief to be able to hand her to God, who had a new, Heavenly body waiting for her. And my time of grief was over.
It is hard for me to comprehend how people who lose a spouse in an accident are able to deal with not being able to say good-bye.