Widower Wednesday: Giving Gifts
November 30th, 2011 | 6 comments
From the inbox comes the following holiday-related question:
My widower and I have been dating for about 9 months. This will be our first holiday season together. Part of our holiday plans include meeting the late wife’s family for the first time and spending several hours with them. While I’m okay with that, my boyfriend has suggested that I get them a small gift as that might help ease any tension or anxiety they or I might be feeling. (He’s already bought them something.) I feel weird about doing this because I don’t know these people. Do you think giving them a gift is a good idea?
Your boyfriend’s heart is in the right place but I think it should come from either your boyfriend or from both of you—not just you. Meeting the LW’s family can be an awkward experience by itself and I don’t see the point of adding any more pressure to it. Since he’s already bought them something, see how he feels about attaching your name to the gift too. Besides, if you consider your relationship to be serious most gifts (unless very personal and has special meaning to the reception) should be coming from both of you anyway. Good luck and I hope meeting the late wife’s family is an enjoyable experience.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
A joint gift speaks pretty loudly that you are a serious couple with future plans.
IF I were in this situation, and my BF asked me to get a gift for someone I had never met, I think I would have to ask him for a suggetion as to what and why–folks don’t usually give gifts to people they are just meeting–especially since he already has a gift. I agree with Annie–a joint gift says a lot. IF I were to get a gift, it would be a small box of special candy or oranges or pears–something very impersonal and just a gesture-type gift. You are not trying to buy your way into their hearts. Personally, I’d wait until we were engaged or married, then go with the joint gift.
Great advice as always Abel. My girlfriend and I have been together almost 11 months and have decided that gifts to all three families – hers, mine, and the late wife’s – will be from both of us (and my daughter). She has spent time with them on two occasions (they live out-of-state), so our situation is a bit different. I agree that this sends a positive message about the seriousness of the relationship. On a side note, we have decided to send out separate Christmas cards this year as we agreed that sending joint cards seemed best left till after some vows are exchanged.
I wanted to comment on last week’s good advice too. Since my girlfriend and I maintain separate houses, she asked my daughter to help her decorate her house and we asked her to help with ours. I scaled down how much I put out this year and we each chose an item from each group (so now there are 3 nativities, 3 snowmen etc). I had quit putting my late wife’s ornanents out, so there was no need to change that. I felt like this gave her ownership in the process and allowed her to see that there will be plenty of room to add her decorations in future years.
I don’t know where the meeting of the late wife’s family will take place, but if it is happening at the late wife’s parents’ home and there is a meal involved, then a host/hostess gift would be completely appropriate. It can be small and fairly impersonal, like a bottle of wine or box of candies or something of that nature.
That being said, even a host/hostess gift should be from both the widower and his new girlfriend. As already stated, it’s good to be united on this front.
If the widower wants to give a Christmas gift in addition to the hostess gift, I think that’s fine.
Incidentally, I met the late wife’s family on Christmas day as well. I was nervous, my then boyfriend (now husband) was nervous, and I’m sure the late wife’s parents and siblings were too.
But in the end, this family made me feel genuinely welcomed. In fact, as we were leaving, Debbie’s mom came up to me and gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad Dennis is not alone anymore.” How could I not return the affection?
It is now part of our holiday tradition to stop in their place for a few hours on Christmas and Easter, if not on the actual day, then over the weekend.
I wish this GOW the best.
I agree with Karen, something along the lines of a hostess gift would be appropriate. Flowers, a Pepperidge Farm box, something like that.
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