Widower Wednesday: Forgive and Forget
February 22nd, 2012 | 17 comments
Thanks to all those who submitted stories for Marrying a Widower. I’m currently taking some of Marathon Girl’s feedback and working feverishly to hit the March 1 deadline to send this version to my editor. I’ll be reviewing the stories and getting back to those who submitted them the first week in March.
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From the inbox:
I just wasted the last year of my life dating a widower. From everything he said I thought we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We went on vacations, met each other’s families, and were even talking marriage. Yes, there were signs he was struggling but he always seemed to bounce back and assured me he was working through any issues he was having.
Last week he dropped the bomb. He told me it was over and that things couldn’t move forward. He confessed that he never really loved me and but was never able to be honest with me about how he felt because he didn’t want to be alone.
All I have done for the last week is cry. But I’m also furious at this man for deceiving me and using me for his own selfish purposes. I know I need to move on but can’t because I feel used and abused and want to strangle the man that just last week held me in his arms and said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What’s the best way to get over a widower who broke my heart?
First, I’m sorry the widower led you on for a year. Breakups are always hard but they’re worse when you learn the person has just been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
If moving on is what you want to do, you’re going to need to forgive widower for everything he did. Forgiving someone isn’t an easy thing to do especially when someone has intentionally hurt or won’t admit any wrongdoing, but that’s ultimately what has to happen in order for you to find peace in your life.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for forgiving someone since everyone had different ways of coping and moving on. Forgiveness is an act of the mind and of the heart. Some high level suggestions that have helped me include:
- Get rid of anything that reminds you of the widower. There’s something cathartic about getting rid of physical objects that remind you of him or the relationship. Anything that reminds you of him and your relationship will only hold you back and stoke any anger and resentment you have. Take anything that reminds you of him and give it away or destroy it.
- Have one good venting session. Whether you need to talk to a friend, go someplace private where you can scream at the top of your lungs, or write you feeling out on paper have one good session where you can get all the pain and sadness out of your body. Make it a good one because in order for it to be effective, you can only do it once.
- Don’t get even. When someone hurts us it’s normal to want to hurt them back. In the long run that’s not going to do anything other than make the situation worse. Hold your head up high and don’t lower yourself to his level.
- Stop being a victim. You have no control over the actions or thoughts of others. What happened, happened. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Doing this will help release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
- Do something good for someone else. There’s always someone out there that is hurting more than us. Try to do at least one kind thing for someone else every day. Doing good and focusing your thoughts on others goes a long way toward moving on and finding that inner peace.
Even though I don’t have a clear cut way of doing this, I personally know that forgiveness is possible. There is no way I could have married Marathon Girl or started a family with her if I hadn’t forgiven Krista for killing herself. If you’re serious about wanting to move on, you’ve got to figure out a way push the anger out of your heart and mind. Until you can let go of the hard feeling you have, your life is going to be stuck in a rut.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Great advice, and very smart steps to take. My only thought is that if the “it is over” event just happened some of these steps may seem impossible to get to…however…they will, with time (everone is different so no timeline is perfect for everyone) be something that not only will be easy but also seem natural to move on. Forgive, forget, move on…life is too short.
Agreed, Lawrn.
I’m so sorry for her hurt, but when I read things like, “What’s the best way to get over a widower breaking my heart:, I’m confused. We aren’t all some exclusive group who does everything alike and handles everything the same. We’re not a species of people, we’re still individuals who happen to have lost our partner. He’s a MAN who broke her heart, and he happens to be widowed. He could have done it as a divorced man, he could have done it as a man who had never been in a serious relationship. We automatically assume he did it BECAUSE of his experience, and that perpetuates the myth that we’re some sort of different group of people. I’m “Insert first name here”, not WIDOW. I am widowed, yes, but that’s not all I am. I guess you can tell I don’t like labels, huh?
Maybe there are other things at play. Maybe he’s just a jerk.
I think the reason this issue is pertinent to DAW is because Ws do have a bad tendency to jump the gun on getting involved with someone new too fast. Unlike a divorcee (who is likely to be relieved to have some time alone after all the conflict that led to the divorce), a W is much more likely to want someone, ANYONE, to fill the gaping hole left in their life by their loss. I honestly think most of them do it with good intentions, and truly believing they are ready to get back out there. They find a woman who is reasonably suitable and for whom they do have some feelings, and then try with all their might to avoid the worst of the grieving by shoehorning the new woman into the place left open.
The problem is that eventually they come to realize that (1) they have not escaped their grief, they have just complicated it by now being required to hide it; (2) that they actually do need time alone to fully process their loss; and (3) that while the woman they have dragged into this is experiencing the real deal of being in love, they are not. Then they compound the problem by allowing their guilt to force them to stick around and try to fake it, but this always fails in the end.
In the example above, I think the W in question was unnecessarily cruel and blunt about the truth of his feelings, but at least he finally came clean. I am not saying the GOW does not have every right to be hurt, angry and betrayed; she certainly does. But even this W probably did not actually go into the relationship thinking “hey, here’s someone I can use until I get tired of her.”
The truth about forgiveness is that it is an act for the benefit of the forgiver, not the forgivee. I remember reading a quote not long ago that said holding on to hostility towards someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That is why it is so important to do whatever is necessary (some good suggestions above) to reach a place of acceptance and peace. It is really not about him anymore; now it is about reclaiming yourself and your life, and determining not to give him one more single day of your life than you absolutely have to.
The truth about forgiveness is that it is an act for the benefit of the forgiver, not the forgivee. I remember reading a quote not long ago that said holding on to hostility towards someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That is why it is so important to do whatever is necessary (some good suggestions above) to reach a place of acceptance and peace. It is really not about him anymore; now it is about reclaiming yourself and your life, and determining not to give him one more single day of your life than you absolutely have to.
Perfectly stated, Cait.
Yes he was a man and probably a jerk to boot. The bigger issue is that women tend to overlook red flags or put up with “bad” behavior from a widower because that assume the man is working through his “grief.” Single or divorced men usually don’t get the same benefit of the doubt.
I just don’t agree with lumping everyone into one group, and using such generalizations. I wouldn’t like to read anywhere that i’m expected to behave a certain way because I’m a “W” .
Does being widowed influence our lives? It does mine, yes, but not every aspect. And I’d never in a million years use someone just to keep me from feeling lonely, or use my widowhood as an excuse for bad behavior. I think we have issues unique to us, but not exclusive to us. I like to discuss issues with other widowed people, but don’t expect a pass in this world because of it. This man behaved wrong, it seems, but he’s being a jerk, not a grieving widower, in my view……..and I know it’s not a popular view. Labels serve no purpose except to create a prejudice, or preconceived notion about an entire group of people.
Of course we’re making a lot of assumptions about the man in question, and rather than just chalk it up to some behavior caused by grief, I’d prefer to think it’s time people start taking responsibilities for their behavior. I hope he owns up to being a total jerk for what he did, and not use the copout of grief. After an entire year of leading her on? That seems pretty farfetched.
Men and women deal with the loss of a spouse very differently. It’s not uncommon for widowers to get into relationships they aren’t serious about. If they didn’t there wouldn’t be a need for the WW column or the Dating a Widower book. And, as stated in my previous comment, women tend to overlook red flags so it’s not uncommon for these relationships to go on much longer than they would otherwise.
This is another instance where I think dating a widower (or divorcee) who does not have enough alone time under his belt is a recipe for heartbreak. There are some /widowers/divorcees who date successfully soon after the loss but I think they are the exception, not the rule.
My partner and I have dealt with it very similarly, as have many widowed couples we have met. In fact, I think it’s more the norm than not, but hard to tell from reading a small population who post to websites (blogs, message boards, etc).
There is always going to be a need for helpful books like yours, there are lots who can relate, as you’ve discovered. But again, I don’t think it’s the norm, and certainly not indicative of the widowed population as a whole. And I think it’s ok to feel that way, and feel hopeful that most of the widowed will go on to lead lives that evolve as any would……not looking at everything through the darkness of the loss.
And not using it as a crutch.
I’ve enjoyed chatting with you, I like to hear differing views, even if I don’t agree.
Abel, what do you think of this?
http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/Help-My-stepmom-dislikes-kids-including-my-2870696.php
Sadly, it sounds like the W has no interest in bing a dad. Marrying that woman was a huge mistake.
I’ve read this before and would be interested in hearing the stepmother’s side of the story. Mother died when oldest daughter was a teenager and probably very resistant to anyone who looked like they were trying to take her place. Younger sisters probably looked up to their older sister and may not have been receptive, particularly if their older sister didn’t like the new wife or the idea of her. It’s also known that oldest daughters often take on many of the roles their late mother had and can be resistant to a stepmother who she views as an interloper. This dad sounds like he’s completely abdicated his role as father and probably was helpless when LW died. There has to be more to the story than an awful stepmother and I’d like to hear it before passing judgment. Not everyone is made to be a parent, but it would take a really cold person to continue such indifference over years.
My oldest SD (30) sees almost everything her dad and I have done, including something as petty as a book inscription he wrote about our long-standing shared love of baseball, as being disrespectful of her late mother. She has accused me of things that are outrageous and untrue and has been completely unwilling to even consider that there might be another side to things. She has refused to get to know me and then turned around and accused her father of trying to force her to accept me as family on his timetable which she considers to be too fast. Anyone hearing her version of things would think I truly was a “Stepmonster” yet for nearly 3 years I’ve bent over backwards to make things as easy on her as possible. I have been accused of being heinous and awful and of trying to “erase” her mother. Three years ago I was really looking forward to getting to know her. Now even the thought of being in the same room makes me feel ill. This is not what I envisioned when I married her dad.
I’m 48 and my ex is 54 he is a widower of two years. After the death of his wife (about 9 months later) he was hooked up with a women for sexual pleasure, he fell for her even though she was the type that did not want any kind of commitment, she ended up hurting him by having an affair with his best friend, their relationship (or whatever it was) only last about 5 months. We meet and where only friends (for the first 4 months) we would talk at the local pub and share stories as friends do. We went out on a few casual dates, then started seeing each other more and more, we have a lot of things in common and I thought we had an understanding, I have been divorced for 6 years after a 19 year marriage, he was married for 23 years before the death of his wife, I knew going into this relationship that he was no were near the commitment status that I was, but over time it seems like he was ready to move forward (not to forget his wife, but to get on with life). In this 14 months we have taken each other to every family affairs, and introduced each other to family/friends, he recently even introduced me to his deceased wife’s family. He has a place at the beach and a place in the mountains that he told me to leave things there (clothes, shoes, etc..) He and I would often have conversations of the future and our life together as we grew older. I know he would have never cheated on me because it’s just not his style,
As time went on I would just want more and more of his time and he seemed to want me around more and more, we really didn’t have no obligations at home so we were both free to get and go when ever either one of us would call. For about the last 4 months our relationship became very comfortable and we told each other that we loved one another!! But in reality I didn’t think he meant it the same way that I did, I was saying it from my heart and I feel he was saying it from his head… could it have been me not understanding his personality ??? I truly fell in love with this guy and as I type this I have a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach.
Three weeks ago I felt something wasn’t right, not a big deal, but something was on his mind. I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about Iand he said no everything is fine “what? Don’t I make you happy” I told him he did that I was happier then I ever been and I enjoy every moment with him, the next morning we woke up and he said I know you want to talk so let’s talk, he did the whole break up thing! Saying that he just don’t feel like he can give me what I need (commitment) and that is seems like Im not happy, and that he just isnt ready to be in a relationship and I calmly as I could said thank you for your honesty (of course I had tears running down my face) I knew there was nothing I could do if he didn’t want to be in this relationship, But then he grabbed and I was crying on his shoulder he said “Im going to tell you something that is really going to confuse you” I looked at him and he had a tear running down his cheek, he said “ I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want you to move in with me” “take your time to think about it” I was in shock I couldn’t even speak I thought “what the heck just happen” he then told me that he just put me through a test that if I would have walked out then he would have known my love was not sincere. So everything was fine for the next two days then the text/calls with slowing down and not wanting to see me then he was away for work and when he got back (a week after the above conversation) he called me and told me we shouldn’t see each other! that he was sorry that he put me though that a few days earlier, but he wasnt ready to a relationship and their was’nt anyone else, and he never cheated on me but he thought about it, I didnt speak to him (or even tried for in two weeks, I did send a small letter and texted me “I got your letter today. I would like to stay friends; I guess we will have to see how things work out”. What does all this mean “HELP” we are a middle age couple who still do a lot of youthful things together. After three weeks I called him he said he thinks about me everyday but didnt know wh to text to me, then over the week end he bought my things to me, I texted him and asked if we could meant as renewed friends and not ex lovers to chat, he said he would like that, we could get together Wed. (today) I havent heard from him! I love him and want him back in my life, any suggestions are welcome. Thank you in advance!!
I’m 48 and my ex is 54 he is a widower of two years. After the death of his wife (about 9 months later) he was hooked up with a women for sexual pleasure, he fell for her even though she was the type that did not want any kind of commitment, she ended up hurting him by having an affair with his best friend, their relationship (or whatever it was) only last about 5 months. We meet and where only friends (for the first 4 months) we would talk at the local pub and share stories as friends do. We went out on a few casual dates, then started seeing each other more and more, we have a lot of things in common and I thought we had an understanding, I have been divorced for 6 years after a 19 year marriage, he was married for 23 years before the death of his wife, I knew going into this relationship that he was no were near the commitment status that I was, but over time it seems like he was ready to move forward (not to forget his wife, but to get on with life). In this 14 months we have taken each other to every family affairs, and introduced each other to family/friends, he recently even introduced me to his deceased wife’s family. He has a place at the beach and a place in the mountains that he told me to leave things there (clothes, shoes, etc..) He and I would conversations of the future and our life together as we grew older. I I know he would have never cheated on me because it’s just not his style, he said that I had nothing to worry about and I really do that he was with me and that’s all he needed.
As time went on I would just want more and more of his time and he seemed to want me around more and more, we really didn’t have no obligations at home so we were both free to get and go when ever either one of us would call. For about the last 4 months our relationship became very comfortable and we told each other that we loved one another!! But in reality I didn’t think he meant it the same way that I did, I was saying it from my heart and I feel he was saying it from his head… could it have been me not understanding his personality ??? I truly fell in love with this guy and as I type this I have a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach.
Three weeks ago I felt something wasn’t right, not a big deal, but something was on his mind. I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about and he said no everything is fine “what? Don’t I make you happy” I told him he did make me happier then I have ever been in my life and I enjoy every moment with him, the next morning we woke up and he said I know you want to talk so let’s talk, he did the whole break up thing! Saying that he just don’t feel like he can give me what I need (commitment), that he wasnt into this like I was, didnt feel the same way I did and that is seems like Im not happy, and I calmly as I could said thank you for your honesty (of course I had tears running down my face) I knew there was nothing I could to win this relationship, But then he grabbed and I was crying on his shoulder he said “Im going to tell you something that is really going to confuse you” I looked at him and he had a tear running down his cheek, he said “ I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want you to move in with me” “take your time to think about it” I was in shock I couldn’t even speak I thought “what the heck just happen” he then told me that he just put me through a test that if I would have walked out then he would have known my love was not sincere. So everything was fine for the next two days then the text/calls with slowing down and not wanting to see me then he was away for work and when he got back (a week after the above conversation) he called me and told me we shouldn’t see each other! that he was sorry to lead me on, and he’s not ready but he thought he was.. I didnt speak to him (or even tried) for two weeks, I did send a small letter and texted me “I got your letter today. I would like to stay friends; I guess we will have to see how things work out”. then after three weeks I called him to ask about my things,we talked for a little while he told me he thinks of me everyday and didnt know what to text/say to me he say he just needs time. he brought me my things then I texted him and asked if we couId meet as renewed friends and not exlovers, he said he would like that, tonight we were going to meet and I havent herd from him, he texted me yesterday “good morning beautiful” which he did everyday before the breakup. why is he doing this to me? I love him and want him back in my lifle, but I dont know if he can ever love me.. any suggestions are welcome. Thank you in advance!!
Hi
Didn’t see any responses to your post…. What happened with your situation. I am in a similar one….
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