Widower Wednesday: Feeling Like a Mistress?
May 25th, 2011 | 41 comments
A quick update on those who submitted stories for the Dating a Widower book: I’ve gone through and made the initial selection for the stories. If you’re stories been selected, you should get a formal email next week letting you know. There were lots of good stories and I’m still debating whether or not to include a section of stories at the end.
In the meantime, I realized that I forgot to ask if anyone has stories to share about online memorials to the LW. It’s a new chapter I created and yesterday I didn’t get any stories about that because—like an idiot—I forgot to ask for them. So if anyone wants to share a story about the problems caused by online memorials and how you overcame those problems, please email them to me. Stories must be submitted by Wednesday June 1. Thanks!
Also, if you have a minute, check out a great Miss Manners column on a family adjusting to a widower’s new wife. I thought Miss Manners’ advice was spot on. Hat Tip: Lindesy, who posted it over at the Dating a Widower Facebook group.
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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are dating a widower but feel like a mistress because the widower keeps their relationship a secret. When it’s just the two of them, he treats her like a queen. However, if there’s a party, vacation, dinner, or other activity where friends, family, or others who knew the LW might be present, the widower goes alone. Just a few of the excuses a widower gives for his behavior include:
- His family/friends think it’s too soon for him to start dating again
- His family/friends are still grieving
- If his family/friends knew he was in a relationship it would cause problems and he’d rather keep the peace
- It’s none of their business who he’s dating
- His family/friends are boring and doesn’t want to trouble them
Part of me can understand that a widower might not want others knowing that he’s dating again—especially if it’s soon after the late wife’s death. Often those who are closest to a widower have the hardest time seeing him with someone else. When I started dating again, I kept my activities from just about everyone. However, there’s a difference between not telling someone about a date and hiding a serious relationship. Once a widower becomes serious with someone, the widower needs to let others know. It doesn’t have to be a big, formal announcement but he needs to let others know that there’s someone else in his life. The tone and the way the widower does this can go a long way to getting friends and family to open up to the new woman and the relationship.
What I don’t understand is why women put up with this type of behavior. And don’t tell me it’s because you think he’s a great guy. Great guys don’t treat their girlfriends like mistresses or call girls. Great guys aren’t ashamed of the women they’re dating. Usually they’re more than happy to introduce them to friends and family, take them out in public places, and pretty much want to show you off to the world.
So if you’re feeling like a mistress, it’s probably because you’re being treated like one. Unless you enjoy being someone’s secret lover, stand up for yourself. Life’s too short to waste it on men who aren’t willing to let the world know what a great catch they’ve found. You deserve to be treated like a queen. Last time I looked, queens aren’t hidden from the world.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
I am hesitant to post but here I go. I spent way too long in hiding, mostly because bf’s kids were very difficult and not ready to see him with someone new. On the one hand, I did meet people (even from LW’s family) as bf felt they were ready. One daughter was ready quickly…not long after the 1 year anniversary. We still get along well. I am also a favorite of LW’s BIL who I also met not long after the 1 year anniversary (he was actually trying to fix bf up which clearly showed he was ready and prompted the meeting). Eventually the children were ready too. I did not like being “hidden” from them, but I have to say that bf might have been right about them accepting me better if given their own time frame. We’ll never know since that’s not what happened. We did date in public after the 1 year mark and I think they knew about me…just did not want to meet me just yet. Anyway we all get along fine now. They still have problems seeing us together and having me at special events where their mom would have been, but they are respectful and even refer to me as his girlfriend…and have no issue with all the time he spends with me. So here’s what happened this weekend…bf threw grad party for daughter. I have been pretty vocal to him about his now occasional slip about his “wife” and he listens. He usually now introduces me as his “girlfriend” for the most part so that is good too. However, someone close to LW who had never met me before came to the party and he reverted back to introducing me as “his friend”. I am trying not to make a stink, and I know youngest child is still struggling with our dating and may have been in earshot so I would have looked the other way for this occasion. However, when he wanted to kiss me in private in the kitchen I really did feel like a mistress sneaking around. I did not want him to steal a kiss after introducing me as his “friend”. He is usually very open to my telling him these things, but the last time I tried to discuss he ended up beating himself up because he works very hard on my behalf and thought he was doing better about these last few things. I thought about it, and actually he is, but I did feel badly at the party. Now what?
oops…meant to say I am a favorite of LW’s brother which is more significant.
I am even ok about just being introduced by name. In most relationships it’s not necessary for the person to say “this is my boyfriend or this is my girlfriend”. I even used to joke with him that we were too old for that. Just saying, “this is Sarah” is fine with me. I think I don’t want to be introduced as his “friend” anymore and I also notice it only happens when he is worried about what people think (although he claims not to be anymore except for his youngest
. Funny, because he could not wait to show me off to this friend of LW who had not been supportive of him in the past. I actually got along very well with her and we spent a lot of time chatting at the party. He told me afterwards that she liked me very much.
@SJH How old were his kids when you started dating and how old are they now? How long have you two been together?
Together about 2.5 years. Kids are now 16-26. Mom dead 3 years now.
His wife’s been dead 3 years. You’ve been together 2.5 years. Sorry, but I don’t see any reason he should still be acting this way. The whole introducing you as his “friend” at a party is something I’d expect of a new widower in his first seroius relationship–not one who’s been in a commited relationship for over 2 years.
I’d have a talk with him about it and tell him you’re feeling like a mistress. Three years is plenty of time for people (yes, even the kids) to learn how to deal with it. They don’t have to accept it but it seems like his pussyfooting around is making the situation worse–not better–at least as far as his youngest daughter is concerned.
another excellent blog and wake-up call for women involved with widowers who are not able to appreciate all they are bringing to thier lives, and who would know better than you who have been there and are in a great relationship and still honor appropriately the memorie of your LW. Again, excellent… and your Marathon Girl is very lucky indeed!!!
The addition of what some widowers do with “online” continuing memorials with picutures and so forth would would a great piece imho…as seen in your previous blogs …there is a time when it is no longer appropriate… and possibly more detrimental to the healing process then moving forward with life…
When my FIL married my MIL, making her stepmother to four children, the twelve-year-old daughter caused a ruckus, and semi-continued it when it worked to her advantage for 50 years. She always said, “If Dad had only waited a few more years, he would never have needed to remarry. I could have taken care of him.” Well, folks get arrested for that sort of thing–my FIL had three more children with my MIL, one of them my DH.
If a man–widow or not–dates a woman long enough for him to even once introduce her as his girlfriend, and then does what SJH described, something is not right! He has no honor–and her feelings are certainly not very important to him. Again–sounds like all he wants is to dance without paying the piper!
@larwn Thanks! And if you have a online memorial story to share, please send it along.
I too married a widower shortly after the death of his first wife of over 20 years. I had never been married before and yes, I got swept off my feet and fell head over heels for this man because I believed everything he was saying. When we were dating (and even after we got married) he did not want anyone to know because he said he did not want to be judged and he said that he was “protecting” me. For example, when we got married, I was jumping for joy. He grabbed my hand and told me to calm down, that people were looking at us. I told him I could care less! That I had a right to be happy. Was this a sign that I overlooked? Probably, but even the LW Mother would comment on why he would want to keep me a secret from others? He would deny this. He’s always made me feel like I can never be good enough and would comment and say “Well, my LW would do this” or “she would do that” or “When I was married to my first wife we would…..” I would tell him that I’m here in the present, that I’m not dead. The stories were always about her and never anything that we did together as a family. When I complained that he only married me to be a babysitter and a house maid, he got very mad. He has two small children and I have a child who is the same age as his. He said at the beginning that children need structure and discipline to grow up to be responsible citizens, however, I’ve always felt that he overlooks behaviors and issues with his own kids only to come down on my child address them as if he’s the only one doing something wrong. Then he would say “I don’t know what’s wrong with them. My kids don’t normally act like this!” I love him but I cannot constantly be compared to a dead woman (no disrespect). We have separated and he has since told his children to not call me mommy anymore. One minute he says he can’t live without me and then when he sees that my child is crying or upset about something, he says our marriage will not work. So yes, I can relate to the “mistress” issue. It just got to a point where all we did was argue. His children would not listen to me. I advised him that when he showed me respect then his children will too, but he said we were never on the same page with discipline. I told him that little kids will be kids and they’re not perfect. That it just takes time. I thought the time apart would give him space and time to grieve because he said he’s never been able to do that. I did not realize this at first. He also said that he’s never had anyone that he could talk to until I came along. I’ve been telling him he needs to talk to someone else (professionally) and he refuses stating that no one knows what he’s gone through so how would they be able to help him. I literally do not know what else to do. Any suggestions?
Thank you for reminding me that I deserve to be treated as a queen. I am no longer in a relationship with a widower. Even though he was a great guy, his own feelings of loss and living in the past become more important than me. I have wished him well on his journey and made the decision that what feels right for me is more important than waiting for him to get healthy.
Never the less, I still read this blog weekly. The insight from Abel and the comments from his audience are inspiring. Looking forward to next week’s topic…………….
Birdie — Glad you’re enjoying the blog and finding this site helpful. Widower or not any guy you’re dating should treat you like a queen.
Distressed & Disappointed — It sounds like there’s more than just grief issues. I also see a lot of manipulative behavior in the relationship too. Frankly, unless he’s willing to address some of the issues (like discipline) and get some grief counseling, I don’t see much of a hope. Actions speak louder than words. He can say he loves you all he wants but unless his actions back that up, he’s just trying to keep you around.
How helpful to have this forum. Yes, I’ve often felt like a mistress, not because I’ve been hidden, but because LW seems to be so prominent. Initally it was photos and still wearing the wedding ring, but now she’s been gone over a year and there’s still issues. There have been several the past few weeks, but the one that hurt the most was when I overheard him telling a friend, “Today is our 12th Wedding Anniversary.” If in his mind, he’s still married to her, where does that leave us? This evening I tried to gently talk to him about how I felt, telling him I thought maybe he needed more time to say ‘goodbye,’ that I didn’t feel like the #1 woman in his world.
From all I’ve read here, and what I know about myself, I do think I deserve to be the focus of the man in my life and I’m pleased I was able to bring up a hard topic.
Sadly, he quickly got very upset. To may amazement, he said, next year it will be their 13th Wedding Anniversary, etc. and that he will mark special days as long as he feels like it. I told him it was just too hard on me and my heart right now. He’s genuinely seemed in pain, but not to understand anything I said. Life is short… and if he’s unable to let go, I know I would never be happy.
Thanks everyone for your support and guidance.
I recently married a widower. The whole time we dated he wore his LW’s wedding ring on his right hand. When we were getting married, he asked if he could wear it during the ceremony. I hesistantly agreed, and he kept on wearing it throughout our honeymoon. Some things happened and I got upset and told him that I felt like I was living in a shadow. I now feel like his house can never be my home because, while he took down some pictures of her, he has kept a collage of pictures of them both. He has it on a separate table and still has other mememtos around, such as their wedding announcement hanging on the wall. He also has their wedding album and a scrapbook of some of her accomplishmenst in his nightstand. Also, a small jewelry box with their HS class rings in his drawer. I feel this will never be my home and I feel like I’m a replacement, always secondary.
@ Tessa, I am just guessing but the fact that you told him he might need more time to say good-bye rather than just telling him that you overheard his comments and wondered where that left you probably was the root of his reaction.
Most people don’t like to be analyzed and will react when they are. It feels like criticism b/c – well – it is. “you are grieving right” or fast enough or in a way that is convenient for me – is often what people hear. I know that’s not how you meant it but a W will sometimes take it that way.
You do deserve to be foremost in your relationship and you should talk about how pictures and his talking about his LW in the present tense makes you feel, but resist the urge play grief counselor. Say “I” a lot and avoid “you”.
As far as anniversaries go, some people never acknowledge them, some stop over time and some always will mark the day. I don’t. My husband doesn’t though in the first couple of years, he did things with my step-daughters though they now do this on their own. But I know remarried W’s, male and female, who do and it’s just part of the fabric of their relationships. It’s all about what you can live with and what you can’t. The year mark is not a finish line on remembering anymore than death was the end of the relationship. We are tied to LW’s and LH’s through children, extended family and friends and history. Living in the past is not what most W’s do, but the past doesn’t go away and bits/pieces of it will resurface unexpectedly, regularly or remain permanent features. Relationships are negotiated and communicating is important. You stated your feelings and needs: he got angry. Talk to him again. Good luck.
I have been seeing a widower for over 6 years!!! He can only come on a weekday and he e mails me every day at least twice! What makes it especially annoying: he tells me in great detail about luncheons, parties, etc. etc. he’s organizing for family and friends, but I AM NEVER INVITED! HOLIDAYS HE SPENDS WITH FAMILY/FRIENDS I AM NEVER INCLUDED….This month he’s organized a big picnic at a state park for family and friends, but natch, I am not invited!!! When I say something, I always get the same BS: “Here we go again!!! Can’t you be happy with what we have???”And, if I insist and say, please explain why I cannot be included, he never gives an answer…somehow, I am the bad one for even bringing this up!!! The problem is that I have trouble finding someone ‘better’…..so I have been hanging in there!
@JHL, I would have said “no” to the wedding ring. He asked, you agreed and that’s hard to undo without hard feelings. The picture collage is appropriate if their are kids/grandkids but a shrine isn’t. But imo everyone has a right to squirrel away whatever in their nightstands and kept mementos tucked away. If he’s shifting through it like a teenage girl on a regular basis that’s not good but otherwise, it’s normal to keep some things for yourself. Not feeling at home is a “being proactive” thing. Rearrange, paint, renovate – whatever it takes. Every house (unless you built it yourself) used to belong to someone else. We have to create our own spaces and that can take time and effort. Feeling like a replacement though is an issue that has to be discussed and he should be doing whatever it takes to reassure you this isn’t the case, jmo.
@Johanna, Your W sounds as though what you have is fine for him. Some men, and it’s not just widowed ones, compartmentalize their lives, putting everyone in a designated spot and not mixing the different groups. After six years, I wonder if it isn’t time to just learn to live with it or move on. You can’t change people who don’t want to be changed. You have stated your feelings and needs and it’s made no difference. Perhaps there really are not better options, though I wonder if maybe there are and your wanting your W to change and waiting for that to happen isn’t getting in the way of your seeing those options, but you do deserve to be acknowledged and not kept as convenient girlfriend. Can you do this his way for the rest of your life? Being on your own is not the end of the world and it might be an opportunity to find happiness. It’s your life. What do you want from it?
I think it was summed up perfectly in a previous post (can’t remember which topic) where someone said “If you wouldn’t tolerate a certain behavior or situation when dating a non-widowed individual, then why tolerate it with someone who is widowed?” (Easier said than done, I know, but good advice nonetheless.) You should have the same expectations for trust, commitment, etc. regardless.
While losing someone to death certainly involves issues that are different to losing someone through divorce, they’re also similar in that both involve very painful separations that a person has to grieve through before getting to a place where they feel they can fully commit to someone new. They also require some measure of releasing the past in order to fully move forward in the present.
I’m respectful and we make sure to take care to honor the memory of my stepchildren’s mother. But, I would have no desire to have another woman, living or deceased, be an integral part of my day to day marriage to my husband. And I’m fairly certain she would have felt the same when she was married to him!
In our house, the girls have pictures of their mother in each of their bedrooms, but we don’t have them displayed throughout the house. They also have locket necklaces that were made for each of them, and photo albums downstairs in the family room. Over time, it has become easier to blend those photo histories into “ours” – as with many things with the house becoming “home” – but it takes time. TIME has been more helpful than any painting or furniture rearranging, etc.
It’s been my experience though, that marrying a widower (esp with minor children) has been far more difficult and fraught with painful situations and feelings than I ever anticipated. (And I have a relatively good situation) – so my advice would be to take your time, and really think about what you need from a relationship to be happy, don’t focus solely on what you think HE needs from you to be happy again. Think of yourself as much as you do him – - your feelings are just as important as his, regardless of how his last relationship ended.
I hope this helps… when all else fails, I’ve also found chocolate martinis to be tremendously hepful.
@ Elizabeth, I agree that time is an important element. I think as a society anymore we are used to simply falling into instant serious relationships without thinking about what that entails now that we are older and kids of all ages are added to the mix. It’s not like it was when we were young.
A man should be prepared to suck it up when loss issues come up and not treat you as a “cure” or “distraction” from his grief or as a grief counselor. His focus should be on the relationship in the present tense and it’s not okay for him to use his grief to trump your needs or to dictate relationship terms. This applies to divorce and widow situations pretty equally, imo.
@Annie, I agree…. time hasn’t healed all, but it’s definitely smoothed out the hard edges, and continues to do so. The other part of that equation is being clear on what you need in the relationship, and insisting that you receive it, without letting sympathy for the widow and his children grow so much that it clouds your judgment and potentially derails your relationships.
Early on, for my husband, there seemed to be a lot of misguided guilt involved in making our marriage a priority. He was worried about how his children would feel about it, how his LW’s family would feel about it, how he might be perceived for moving on and committing to someone new, etc. After a time, it became clear to me that the only person’s feelings he wasn’t concerned about …. were mine. If there was an imaginary list of priorities, I was nowhere near the top. And that wasn’t his fault alone, I shared the culpability, I helped create my spot on that list. Never having been in a situation like this before, I immediately fell in step behind him making sure everything we did and said passed the “kid” feeling test and the “late wife’s family” feeling test, the other soccer mom’s feelings test, etc. Me, thinking it was temporary, to help ease them all through the transition.
Over time I realized it wasn’t temporary, and it most definitely was NOT helping. Dr. Phil may be annoying, but he had it right when he said you teach people how to treat you. When I started teaching him (and the kids and the LW’s family, etc.) differently, they began to behave differently toward me. When I insisted on being the only wife in THIS marriage, things ultimately began to move in that direction.
It’s far easier, though, if you come out of the gate with that mindset, rather than trying to un-do several years of bad relationship habits (mine). You said once on your blog (I’m a ghost reader Lol!) something to the effect of “I wish women would stop trying to read men like tea leaves, and instead just ask for what they want, expect to get it, and leave if they don’t.” So simple, and yet such an elusive concept! Truly though, it was the one thing that worked… in my marriage and in my role as a stepmother.
I’ve said it before, but thanks so much to you and to Abel for your thoughtful posts here. I’ve found other sites to be so far one direction or the other that they weren’t helpful (sometimes harmful). This one is a breath of fresh air.
@Johanna — I agree with Annie. After six years, I don’t think things are going to improve. You need to decide if you can live with it–otherwise it’s time to move on. You deserve to be a bigger part of his life IMHO.
@Elizabeth — Thanks for sharing your story!!! think your experience is one that could help a lot of readers. So glad you’ve found the site helpful.
@Carol — Remember — NEVER SETTLE. You deserve the best. I hope your widower can treat you like a queen.
My husband of 18 years and I began seeing each other right after his wife’s funeral and we very public about it. His late wife’s family knew immediately. We even visited his late wife’s great aunt together with his daughters about a month after his wife died.
In hindsight, if you begin seeing a widower before others in his life feel it would be appropriate to be dating, keep your relationship a secret.
His late wife’s family stopped having anything to do with my husband as soon as they learned about me being in his life so soon after his wife’s death. They were incredibly rude and nasty to him and accused him of having an affair with me while his wife was ill.
My husband felt like he had finished grieving for his late wife well before she died. For the last four months, she was in a vegetative state and he was ready to move on and wanted companionship and help with his daughters.
Others were not going to understand why he felt it was acceptable to move on and have made our relationship so difficult. He is cut off from so many family members over it still to this day.
I wish we had done things differently. I really hadn’t thought about it then. I wanted to be part of his life and he wanted me to be there, but I hadn’t thought of how I would be viewed by others.
Also, I think that for family members, it’s best that there’s a clear boundary between when the death of the late wife and you. Then you and the the late wife’s death are not always going to be interconnected by family and friends of your husband.
@ Barbara, my late husband was in a vegetative state for the last six months of his life (maybe longer – it’s hard to sort out involuntary from voluntary actions) and he had severe dementia prior to that – so I understand your husband’s feelings on having grieved and being ready to move on. Even in situations where people are terminal but still able to interact, more grieving than most people realize is going on for the spouse. Extended family and sometimes even grown children don’t understand b/c they are not living with the reality day in and out.
I don’t know that for some extended family and friends that there will ever be a dividing line b/c in some ways they use the widowed spouse as their grieving touchstone. Unfair as that is. The new girlfriend/wife then gets all the displaced emotions when it’s clear that the W has moved on and they can’t do this anymore. Unfair also. My LH’s male friends especially were quite cold and continue to be so over five years later. They shun his daughter, which would have broke his heart, b/c of their feelings about my remarrying. My husband’s family and his in-laws have been wonderful though. His LW’s mother couldn’t have been kinder and more understanding. I think a lot of the shunning and bad behavior is a reflection of the relationships one had with the family/friends prior and sometimes we discover that we weren’t as important as we thought we were. My in-laws were distant and MIL was difficult and his friends saw me as an interloper who stole him away from “guy time”, so this colored their attitude later. That’s just my opinion but it seems that people who had better relationships don’t suffer the backlash as much. In the end you have to do what’s best for you and your relationship. Waiting for everyone to catch up is putting decision power in hands it doesn’t belong in. As Elizabeth mentions, you teach people how to treat you. I think standing up and expecting cordial behavior and respect and not tolerating nonsense is the only way to go. While I am sorry that some family and friends still struggle with their loss, that’s their issue to deal with – and privately.
@Johanna, I don’t agree with your W’s behaviour in that it’s all on his terms and when you try to discuss the matter he reacts by saying “Here we go”. It’s a very selfish attitude
My W and I have had a few shall we say ‘very heated discussions’ about him not inviting me to social events with his friends! When I am invited out with my friends, they automatically include him in the invitation. He has met the majority of my friends. However when his friends invite him, he assumes it is just him and his two children that are invited then a few times has said he didn’t think of inviting me. Last time his friends got together we had already had discussions previously about the fact that it concerned me after a year together that he had met nearly all my friends and I have met very few of his, yet he still went ahead & didn’t invite me to that event either. His reasons: he was still in adjustment period of losing his LW(2 yrs+), he didn’t want to invite me with my children as I’d told him they’d misbehaved at a supermarket a few weeks earlier etc etc. None of which went down terribly well with me to say the least! He says I will meet them soon but it hasn’t happened yet. I have met all his family and there is no problem there but it is just meeting his friends that seems to be such a battle for him.
It is one of the biggest problems I find in dating a W that I would always welcome him to any event to meet any of my friends/ family etc but with him there is a whole set of people that I’m not allowed to meet or at least not until they and he are ready!!
Never Settle needs to be my mantra. I finally had a heart to heart and thought it might have ended our relationship, but I made it clear I needed to feel front and center; I didn’t want to share the stage with another woman. I felt I may have been harsh, but let him know what some of my non negotiables were. Basically, it comes down to what Abel has said, we need to feel like the center of the universe. If he’s still in love with another woman, I’m gone. A few of his friends have not accepted me and I let him know if they continue to be ‘cool,’ I don’t want to waste my time with them. I can’t take ‘her’ place in their social circle. Many thanks for helping me believe in myself. It didn’t take him long to say he would make changes.. including letting go of wearing all the jewelery that were special gifts from her.
One last thing… I know Abel spends HOURS of his time helping us along this rocky path. Note there is a place you can make even a modest contribution if you can do so as a small way to say thanks for being a lifesaver! He’s helping us when he could be playing with his kids or working on another book.. or going out for a run….or spending time with that special MG.
@annie My husband was coming to terms with the fact that his first wife was going to die over the course of several years as her condition deteriorated , but many in her family kept up far more hope. They were still doing prayer vigils for her every evening up to her death.
He felt guilty for not believing she could recover. He’s a religious man, but he understood there wasn’t any hope left. And I think that his LW’s family held that against him – that he had accepted the inevitable while they were holding out for a miracle.
At the time, I didn’t think at all about what the family was or wasn’t thinking or if they were judging me.
When we visited his LW’s great aunt, I had gone out with him and the girls to an apple orchard, and the aunt lived in the area, so he spur of the moment he decided we should stop by and visit so the girls would stay connected to their mom’s family. He wasn’t intending on introducing me to his LW’s family nor were we truly dating then.
But in hindsight, I can see how it came off the wrong way. At the time, I would have been upset if he had suggested I waited in the car, but it would have been so much better if I had in the long term.
Sorry to go rambling on, but I’ve been thinking about all of this recently. My son is getting engaged to a wonderful woman who’s divorced and has two small kids. He’s so nervous about dealing with the kids, so he has a stack of books on being a stepparent. I started flipping through them and started thinking about all the mistakes I made and things I regret.
My son’s approach is that he’s marrying into a whole complicated family, not just his financée – but stepkids, her ex husband and his new wife and paternal grandparents of the stepkids. He’s excepted that they are going to be part of his life, like it or not, and warts and all.
I got involved with my husband without really thinking about any of it. I feel very deeply in love and couldn’t believe I was so fortunate to be with such a wonderful man, and his daughters were so hurt by everything that they had gone through that I thought we would bond immediately. I had two kids of my own, so I thought I knew how to be a mother to them.
I never thought of the various family and friends and what they would say or think or feel back then or how they might judge us. Nor did I really think about how my actions were going to be viewed by his daughters and how things were going to come back to bite me.
Maybe it’s fine to say who cares what they think – we’re in love and who cares if they want nothing to do with you. It’s their loss. But if they don’t accept you, it’s a world of anguish to be cut off from friends and family.
My husband has two grandbabies he’s never seen. His daughters won’t speak to him.
And everyone in the extended family supports the daughters. They treat it like “well, what did we expect when we got married so soon after their mother died?”. I once heard my sister in law saying what a tragedy it was that the girls lost their mother and then lost their father. No one blames them for not speaking to us. They’re martyrs and I’m the evil stepmother.
Again, sorry for rambling.
But my advice to everyone, don’t sweat the small stuff. Let it go. And realize you have to live with the whole extended family, not just your husband.
@Barbara, I’m sorry your husband’s in-laws seem to fall into the camp of those extended family members who encourage drama and hard feelings. Their reasons for supporting your step-daughters estrangement seem based on teaching him a lesson and it’s too bad they don’t see that.
Your son sounds like a wonderful man. I am sure he will do well with his new family. I approached my husband’s LW’s family with the idea that they were family although I am aware that they were and still are grieving sometimes. My own family didn’t recognize boundaries to family and as a result, I have quite an extended one with in-laws of my aunt, uncles and my own sibling’s in-laws numbered as family as far as I am concerned. We can’t really have too many people who love us and have our back, can we?
Your advice about small stuff and extended family rings true with me, and you don’t ramble anymore than anyone else here.
@Barbara, wow, that is a lot to deal with, I feel for you and your husband. I know exactly what you mean, b/c I went into my situation with my husband with some really large rose colored glasses as well. So sad though, that people let grief and bitterness cause even more pain and loss. And you’re right, it’s a lot easier said than done to not care how people think, feel and act toward you…. b/c our lives don’t exist in the vaccuum of just our relationship or marriage, they’re intertwined and linked in so many ways to all the other people in the situation, children, former inlaws, family, friends, neighbors, etc. And when there is constant conflict and hurtful words and actions in those relationships, it can take a huge toll on even the strongest of relationships. Thank you for sharing so honestly…. you’re very wise to warn people to think carefully about all of the aspects of the situation, not just feelings between the two of you. B/c often, those other situations can make or break your quality of life, and can tear down your happiness in your relationship.
@Carol, you make a GREAT point… Abel has donated a lot of time, energy and caring into this site and into helping virtual strangers… we owe him big time!
So glad things went well w/your talk. Sometimes we just have to speak up and let them know hwat we expect, and they’re happy to do so. Always good to hear a happy outcome!
@Kim, @Johanna, I agree, he’s shutting her down and that’s selfish of anyone, widower or not. I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself in those situations (esp if the situation makes you feel like you’re being insensitive for doing so) but often it’s the only thing that changes the situation for the better.
@Annie, thank you for your response. I guess I was trying to be considerate of his feelings, when I agreed to let him wear his LW’s wedding ring to our wedding. It caught me by surprise too. The picture collage is of him and his LW, and it sits on a table by itself. They never had children. On our honeymoon, he took me to a place they had already been to. When I found this out, that is what caused the upset, and me asking him to take the LW’s ring off. Seems like everyplace we went, I heard about their visit there and all the memories. He took down all their pictures (of just the both of them) off the bedroom walls, after I started moving in. These were pictures of them at various places. He never once asked to get a picture of just the two of us on our honeymoon. So, all the pictures I have are just of him. My son made the statement, “well, Mom did you go with him?” We have our wedding pictures and they laid on the dresser. He looked through them one time and I so wanted him to put one of them up. As for being proactive, its hard to when he gives me certain walls to work with.
@JHL, It’s difficult to renegotiate the parameters of a relationship once it seems as though you’ve agreed to them, but it sounds like this is what you need to do in order to be happy. It’s not his house alone. You are his wife. It’s your house too. He took off the ring for you. Your feelings do matter to him. Talk to him.
So here i go. My guy has been a widower for 6 months. He seems to have no interest in sex anymore and is not very affectionate in any other way. He used to be but not now. He has since moved in with me and I feel like he is using me.
@Michele, are there other reasons why you feel that your W is using you? I moved in with my W (we are not together anymore), and things changed so much after that. I was paying rent to him and he would blow money on dining out and taking me and his kids and their BF’s to sporting events. I thought I paid him to help take care of the bills. Eventually he stopped showering daily and sat on the couch all night after work. I felt as if I was a convenience to him. I had to leave because I felt that I deserved better. I lived with him for only 5 months. Before I moved in, he was affectionate. I’ve only lived with one other person in my life and that was when I was 18. I wondered to myself if this is what all men do – reel a woman in with sweet words and actions and then when they think they have you – they show their true self. I admit I made a mistake by moving in too soon – 3 months after we met, and he swept me off my feet. I moved into his house that was full of shrines and I thought that after he realized I was there for him now that he would take them down, he didn’t – he also kept wearing his wedding ring. I talked to him about it and he admitted that he expected the three of us to be one.
dating this guy for about four months. he told me he loved me and all. we met like two months after his wife died. we are keeping the relationship a secret. and i dont know i can handle that. i get it, it may seem abit too soon for him to be dating. plus he is still wearing his wedding ring.
If you don’t want to keep the relationship secret, then tell the W how you feel. If he doesn’t go along, then you don’t have a choice to make.
I’m just finding this blog now, and boy, I am going to be reading a lot the next couple days! I wish I’d found it years ago. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years with a man who lost his wife to cancer. They had been together a little over 2 years and married for about 1 1/2. Their little girl was a year old. I have been his partner in raising her, and now I am her mother (though she still calls me Liz, which is fine). When we began seeing each other he and his daughter lived at his parents house and I lived alone (we were both 32). I allowed a lot of crappy treatment by him then, and only recently have we talked about it. I don’t know why I allowed it. I guess I have always had issues with allowing men to walk all over me. We started dating 2 months after his wife died. I was not introduced to anyone for a while, and when I was, I was his “friend”. I even snuck over his house late at night, around back, and in through the bulked to his basement room. Only recently did I let him know how that made me feel, and I suppose still does as how he treated me in the begining still effects me. Talk about feeling like some dirty secret and a mistress! 32 years old, with an apartment of my own, having been living on my own for 10 years and having to sneak around like a stupid 15 year old! I have a LOT I could unload here but I won’t as it is off-topic for this thread. Just suffice to say I’m 7 years into this and still dealing with a lot of the feelings and issues that women “dating” widdowers go through. Shouldn’t I be in a better place by now?
Yes, you should, Liz. You should be treated like a queen. Don’t settle.