Widower Wednesday: Father’s Day
June 15th, 2011 | 33 comments
Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback on the Dating a Widower concept covers. I’m talking comments through the end of the week so chime in if you have an opinion.
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Sunday is Father’s Day. Though most recognize it as a day to honor the fathers in their lives, what many don’t know is that the mother of Father’s Day was one Sornora Smart Dodd, who organized the celebration in 1910 to honor her widower father.
Dodd’s mother died in 1898 while giving birth, leaving her father, William Jackson Smart, to raise Dodd and her five younger brothers (including the newborn baby) on a remote farm near Spokane, Wash. While attending a Mother’s Day sermon in 1909, Dodd decided that fathers deserve the same recognition.
That’s right, the modern Father’s Day movement was started to honor a widower who did his best to raise six children on his own.
Despite its’ roots in widowerhood, Father’s Day can be one of those days that many women are unsure what, if anything, should be done to recognize those widowed fathers that they’re dating.
Recently, I exchanged emails with a woman who wanted to recognize the herculean effort of a recent widower who was now raising a young child by himself but worried about overstepping her bounds. She tossed a few ideas my way and wanted to know if I thought any of them would work. I didn’t know what to tell her because I didn’t know the widower. Instead I advised her that she knew the widower better and me and to think of something that he would appreciate.
The key to successfully celebrating Father’s Day and just about any other special occasion is knowing that person. Every widower is different and each has his own things that he likes or doesn’t like to do. For some Father’s Day might have been a big deal. For others little, if anything, might have been done to celebrate it. So some widowers might appreciate a small gift or a letter expressing your appreciation. Others may like to go out and catch a movie. Still others (like me) may want to spend a day at home with their kids and putting steaks on the grill. Some may not want to do anything.
If you don’t feel you know the widower well enough to guess, talk to him about it and ask what he’d like to do. See if he has any plans and, if he doesn’t, suggest some possible activities. Go with the flow and make sure you’re doing your best to make the day special for him the best you can. If you do that, odds are it will be a good day for both of you.
However you decide to recognize Father’s Day, at the very least be sure to let him know how much you appreciate how he’s handling everything on his plate. And you may also want to let him know that Father’s Day was started by someone who appreciated everything her widowed father did to raise her. That fact alone might make the day a little more special.
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Note: Grace Golden Clayton is sometimes credited with organizing the first Father’s Day celebration a few years before Dodd. However, Dodd’s celebration was more modern and she also worked tirelessly to make it an officially recognized day. To the victor go the spoils.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Thanks for this. As a wiodwer, it just made Father’s Day a little more special.
very insightful from a persective on Father’s day we are not used to hearing about….to help the rest of us understand the feelings and emotions that are encountered that are so unique…great blog…many thanks….
This is something I wish I could pass along to my stepdaughters.
Father’s Day is going to be quite difficult for my husband. Last year, he acted like he wanted to avoid it entirely. His daughters aren’t speaking to him since they’re upset about him remarrying, but my kids truly love him as if he was their own father and want to make a big deal about Father’s Day to honor him.
I told my kids to forget getting him anything this year or even mentioning it, since it’s just reminds him of the girls’ and his grandkids’ absence. It’s so sad how even when people refuse to be a part of your life, they can utterly and totally ruin things.
Hi Barbara,
I know a man that was in a similar situation as your husband and I think if your kids did something nice for him on Father’s Day, he would really appreciate it. It really lifted the spirits of this other man that I know.
Just my thoughts due to past experience.
Pam
@Pam – My stepdaughters have nicknamed my kids “The Replacements” and when my husband heard this, it really stung him.
It bothers him that he’s spent so much time with my kids and so little with his girls, especially since much of the time the girls were growing up, their mother was terminally ill (especially the younger one). While he’s been a wonderful father to my children, he feels like he’s let down his girls. And I have no idea how to change that, especially considering how bitter both of them are. So, I think that’s why Father’s Day is difficult for him
My divorced friends think I’m crazy when I say this, but blending families is so much more difficult when one of the parents is deceased.
Both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are such excruciatingly difficult when trying to deal with stepchildren.
@Barbara — Have you talked to him about it at all this year?
I’m not sure if I have blown things. I was stung yet again when bf told me that his most difficult daughter said that “only our family is invited for father’s day”. This was her answer to one of the other daughters who asked if I was included. It got back to him second hand and then he repeated it to me. It just sounded like more of the same to me, so I asked what the issue was. He found out that there was a special surprise and it was only for “our family”. 2 of the other daughters don’t mind if I am there so I am not sure how much is about the surprise and how much is about her need to control. I said, “even if there is a surprise I am not sure why I am excluded when you keep telling me they are as clear about our relationship as you say”. I also told him that there is no need to blow their surprise in order to say that he would love for me to come, but that’s what he decided to do. He talked to the oldest, who rightfully refused to blow the surprise in my opinion. She told him she will check with the others when he asked for me to come. He also said that their bf’s were welcome to come too. I am waiting for their response, but don’t really want it at this point. I have been in this position before. I would rather be where I am welcome and invited… at another friend’s house. However, now I cannot back off since I raised the issue myself so I just have to wait. Bf also said, “I am not sure why this is such a big deal to you. I would not have insisted on being with you and your kids for mother’s day”. I thought for a minute and said, “You have said you want a life and a future with me. If we are living together in a few years, am I expected to leave my own house because there is a father’s day suprise for just your family?”. He did not want to entertain a question about something that did not happen yet. I did not feel this had as much to do about father’s day as it did about still feeling unwelcome, even though they supposedly accept me, and about one daughter having all the control in the house. But of course now I feel terrible about ruining the father’s day surprise. Please tell me I am not a horrible person.
SJH, you are not a horrible person. His daughter is playing you both, trying to push buttons and boundaries. If she gets her way, expect more of the same.
Someone mentioned that blending is harder when one parent is dead. Blending is hard, imo, when the adults abdicate control and authority either out of guilt or a misguided idea that bad behavior – even if it is grief motivated – shouldn’t be called out for what it is.
Our youngest, who is now nine but five/six a the time, played the “dead dad” card a lot. R and I never let her get away with it – even though there were tears and sometimes even genuine sadness involved. It would have been a disservice to her if we let her incorporate the idea of using people’s guilt as a weapon to get her own way. She eventually gave up the strategy but it was a difficult period. And I felt heartless even though I knew what was best.
Thanks. I agree.
SJH–ouch. No, of course no one wants to feel as if they are “forcing” themselves on an occasion–much more pleasant to be welcomed to an occasion. Not clear on who said it was ok for the daughters’ bf’s to be included–him or them. But surely, if the daughters bf’s are involved, that makes your absence that much more glaring as an overt snub. Will be interesting to see which side of the line he lands on; this may be one of those moments, that, once passed, continues to let daughter rule the roost or leads to her being put in check.
Now I’m wondering what this big surprise is…could it be that it is something huge LW tribute? Maybe there is the feeling that it would be very awkward for you. Either way, the daughters still should be able to take you aside and tell you and then give you a choice so that you can decide to partake or not. IMO.
Like what Annie said about blending families being harder when adults abdicate control. True that.
@SJH — I’m with Annie. I think she stated it perfectly.
Abel, I asked him what he wanted to do for Father’s Day last week and he said didn’t want to do anything and changed the subject.
His granddaughter’s 2nd birthday is June 25. My husband has never met her, so it’s not easy for him to deal with Father’s Day so close to her birthday. And both of his daughters have called him the world’s worst father straight to his face and that said they never want anything to do with him again. So, it’s a difficult holiday for him to celebrate.
Barbara — That’s so sad his children treat him that way. Sounds like it’s better to respect his wishes in this case. Hopefully the day won’t be too hard for him.
It never ceases to amaze me the way some folks treat each other, especially those whom they should treat the best. My DH’s MIL called me often, and remembered my birthday, Mother’s Day, etc. with cards of “thanks for all you do for my grandchildren.” LW’s siblings were a mixed bag–from over-friendly (almost) to very distant–but that went along with their individual personalities. My former in-laws sent my DH (former widow) birthday and Father’s Day cards thanking him for being such a good “dad” to their granddaughters. He always got a Christmas gift from them also. But, we spent a lot of effort getting things to that point, having them over for dinnner, to all of the kids’ birthday parties, going to their homes on Mother’s and Father’s Days, Christmases, etc. When we were first married, there were thirteen grand and great-grandparents
to include in every holiday. It was hard–both time and money-wise–but very worth the effort. Dealing with older vindictive children is not something I’ve had to deal with–my step-children talk to me more easily than their father–so I end up being a g0-between of sorts, but we laugh about it, also.
Barbara–your husband’s daughters must have other difficulties dealing with life in general to be so hateful. Your husband must be terribly hurt. Not only is he being deprived of being in their lives, but they are missing out on the fun that all of your could have together. Is there a counselor or clergy that you all would be willing to go to together?
diney, I don’t think counseling is going to work. My husband’s younger daughter (who has the two kids) was actually encouraged by her therapist to stop all contact with me and to only have contact with her father. That did not work out, so she told her father about five years ago she didn’t want anything to do with him because he had hurt her so badly.
It always seems like as soon as either of the girls tells anyone that their father began a relationship so soon after their mother’s death, they become instant martyrs.
This is the first place I’ve found that anyone has sympathy for me.
All I usually hear is how much the girls have gone through growing up, how hard everything has been for them, how terrible it was that their father remarried so soon after their mother’s death, how horrible I am for driving them away from their father. Most of my husband’s own family sides with the girls.
It’s been almost 20 years now since their mother died, and the situation with the girls makes it still loom over us like it happened yesterday, even with them not wanting anything to do with us.
I know a lovely woman whose son had abandoned her life, taking his children with him so that they would have no relationship with their grandmother. She was devastated and ended up ill. She took herself for therapy and was told to grieve it like any other loss and move on, which is what she did. She is now healthy. I was not there during this son’s childhood so I don’t know what really happened, but I do know there is another son who loves her very much and who trusts her to babysit his children 2 days a week so I don’t think she is a total monster. I am sure there are many extenuating circumstances, but bottom line is that this son’s choice is to hurt his mother rather than making amends for whatever crime he thinks she committed. Some people would rather be hurtful than relinquish control. The trigger is just an excuse. There was no death or widowhood at all in this case, but it happened anyway. As a matter of fact, the woman’s marriage is still very much intact and apparently healthy. Some people are just more difficult than others. I don’t think it’s everyone else’s job to accomodate them. I agree with Annie..we do them a disservice by allowing their bad behavior. I also don’t believe that these people can’t help themselves, because if they behaved that way everywhere else they would have no jobs and no friends. Did the Widower marry too quickly? Perhaps. Was it hurtul? I’m sure. His children have been punishing him for 20 years? Sorry…that is their issue and not his. I feel sorry for the others in their life who make a mistake in their eyes.
Barbara, Wow, so sad. Even though it really is “their loss” that has got to be so hurtful for your husband, and by extension, you. It is unfortunate that there is no family member that can crack them over the head with the truth and help them grow up. And, a therapist telling them nonsense to boot. Well, goes to show you that therapists don’t always have the answers either.
Not sure what logic allows adult children to cut off their father simply because he’s moved on with his life. He fullfilled his vows, for crying out loud. They are, “Until death do us part.” Not “until death and an accpetable amount of time to suit all relatives concerned do us part” Good grief. That is very sad for all of us, unfortunate. How old are they and how old are your kids?
@Barbara, It appears your step-daughters have a lot of support for their bad behavior, which makes it unlikely that anything will change. But you and your husband did nothing wrong. More widowed ppl than you know begin relationships early out and marry within the first year or shorting after. My husband was just shy of the year anniversary when we married. It was hard for the older girls but their mother’s family was very supportive of R marrying and the younger girl even had a good friend, whose father had been widowed and remarried soon after, urging her to be happy for her dad. I think the messages adult children get from family and friends play a big role. And there are people, sadly, who enjoy the negative attention that goes along with playing the grief card. In my mind, there is a statute of limitations on on sympathy and 20 years is way past it.
You step-daughters are wrong and cruel about it, and those who support them are equally in error. I hope Father’s Day is a good day for both you and your husband. You deserve that.
*us* should be *you* in second to last line.
My husband had been widowed for not quite 4 months when we met, and we were married less than three months later. His children were 12, 11, 8, and 5 when we married. I was not his first, second or third date, either. He included them in our dating (he, me, his and mine all went together on our second date), and when we decided to get married, we did it sooner rather than later, so the kids would have the summer to get adjusted and acquainted without the pressures of school. It has now been 35 years, and in all that time I have never heard one word from anyone about how soon we did it, except when we (he and I) think back together and wonder how we did it. His LW passed of a brain tumor after 19 months of surgery, treatment, and all the rest–and who knows how many months of disfunctional behavior prior to the diagnosis. The only thing I ever heard was the 8-year-old said one morning, “I thought when I got my new mom I wouldn’t have to eat Cheerios any more.” (Sorry, son, but we are in a hurry today!) and when I said that I didn’t really like chili, the same child jumped up and down and yelled, “Finally! I get a mom who doesn’t like chili, either!) Even his dad laughed!
In our case, everyone (family, friends and especially neighbors) was just happy to have the kids taken care of by someone rather than passed around and running the streets.
Unless you were having an affair prior to the death, and poisoned his LW to get her husband, there is no apparent reason for such behavior. The “too soon” arguments seems to be just a cop out for a more serious problem, one that may have been going on for years. If, however, his own children see him willing to do things for his step-children that he refused to do for them under the same circumstances, then jealousy could arise.
My DH did and does many things for all of his children (his, mine and ours) and grandchildren that he didn’t do for his children during his first marriage, because of two things: (1) he worked all day, and then all evening at home to support his non-working wife and children–I have always done something on the side to bring in extra money, and have worked full-time for 25 years, so he could have more “dad time”, and (2) my ideas of the importance of education, doing chores, being responsible, etc. is very different than LW’s–I had him read and do math, etc. with the kids, follow through on chores, had him involve them in his projects. It’s a whole different environment. But, I will say, his kids have all come back and thanked me for the change I brought into their lives.
Sorry, didn’t mean to write a book.
Diney, you are absolutely right when you say that ppl use the “it’s too soon” as cover to hide the real issue. Displacement is grief’s evil twin (like it needed one). Often the ill feeling and acting out is a way to relieve guilt or avoid other issues. My MIL hated me b/c she felt guilty about passing on the genetic defect that killed my LH. Silly? Yep. But being rational is sometimes not a person’s first or ever reaction. HIs friends? They abandoned him when he got ill. I didn’t – and they actually expected me to b/c they didn’t think I was good enough for him when we married. My strength, love and loyalty – showed them up and it has been easier for them to be hostile to me than admit that they let him down when it counted. (just an aside, knowing this about them, doesn’t make me any more kindly disposed or willing to take their crap.)
Displaced grief is toxic and often, people can’t see that is what they are doing b/c they are so in denial about the real issues anyway.
And Diney? Your books are fascinating and full of great insight.
The first major mistake I made in my relationship with my widower and his daughters was that I first came into their lives right before the funeral, bringing over casseroles and taking care of their dog. I had known their father for years and wanted to help. We were not dating then, only friends, but the perception was negative.
The girls were angry about their mother’s death and I happened to come into their lives right when that happened. That made me a target for their anger. The older daughter also once said to me that I’m a reminder that her mom is gone.
Having a clear distinction between the death and the new person coming into their lives is probably for the best when dealing with children.
My widower also is not the type of man who shares his feelings readily or knew how to deal with his daughters’ emotions after her death. He wanted me to help them with that, and in hindsight, that was a bad idea. I don’t think I ever saw either of them cry.
I thought both of them were coping well back then. They were both incredibly mature and had been completely self-sufficient since their mother had been bedridden for several years before she passed away.
What was strange is that when we got married, the girls were so happy about it. They went shopping for dresses with me, they seemed happy for their dad. They were very nice to me.
But then I heard from one of my husband’s sister that the girls spent most of the reception in the bathroom crying. They never said anything to me or their father.
If they had told their dad they hated me and they were upset about the marriage, he would have called the whole thing off. But they never seemed anything other than happy about it.
It was only after we moved into together, that things started going downhill. But I never would really hear about it, but someone would tell me the girls were upset about something I did weeks or months or years later – especially the redecorating and perceived slights against their mother.
And I will never live down the fact that when we were merging furniture from my home into his, I had a very nice dining set from my condo and my husband had a rather run-down table in his breakfast room. We agreed to keep my dining set and I gave away his old one to my nephew who needed furniture for his first apartment.
What my husband failed to tell me was that the table in the dining room was built by his late wife’s father. I swear, the girls will put the fact that I gave that table away to my nephew in my obituary as proof that I’m a evil stepmother from a Disney movie.
Anyone who marries a widower with children of any age, be so careful about getting rid of anything. Check with the kids first. And move to a new house if at all possible. Don’t give them any ammunition to use against you.
And don’t trust that when the kids say they’re okay and fine with it, that they truly are.
My husband was ready to move on but the girls weren’t. I wish we had realized that before we got married.
@Annie, you are so right about displaced grief. My H’s oldest daughter (29) is angry at him because he didn’t formall mourn for what she considered a respectable time after her mother’s death before contacting me. (He e-mailed 9 mos. after his LW died after 35 years of silence between us.) She’s angry at me for a whole host of things, particularly making him take down the pictures of her mother in their house in Michigan, which is pure fiction and she knows it! She is convinced I am so jealous of her mother that I forced it. Doing my best to ignore it, but she has chosen a public forum – blogging and her sister’s facebook page to let loose the venom. So, I am really having to tamp down on my finely-honed sense of fairness on this one! The saddest thing is that while she’s busy blogging about how heinous I am, and wallowing in her grief and anger, she is busily tearing apart her relationship with the only parent she has left. My H has made it clear that his job as my spouse is to protect me from her but it hurts him mightily that she is being so judgmental and viscious. Her grandfather, aunt and even her sister have all told her to grow up, but it’s as if she has blinders on. In the meantime, my facebook picture is Disney’s Wicked Queen (she called me that on a blog) and my 20 yo daugher reminds me often that the best thing I can do is to be happy and enjoy my life!
@Barbara, children with a mind to pick bones will find a reason regardless. Biological, adopted or step, if they run towards that type of a melodramatic personality, you can be Carol Brady and you are still doomed.
At a certain point people put away their hurts or they don’t. Children grow up and let it go and young adults realize that they were being childish and should maybe just live their own lives and not worry so much about how their parent is living theirs.
I agree that care should be taken with things/stuff. I am not big on stuff myself and I was patient about the clearing away of things that no longer had use. Our older girls were always in the loop when it came time to purge for the sake of space. I think we were probably less careful about the youngest girl (my daughter from my first marriage) b/c she was so young and had fewer memories of things in relation to her late father and occasionally she will ask about this or that, surprising me that she remembers it at all. I suppose I will hear more about when she is a teen. Teens are famous for long memories about trivial things.
I loathe the whole Disney wicked stepmom bs. I am not kind to or understanding of anyone who uses the stereotype. They are cartoons and not reality. Step-parents – the ones I know – are wonderful people who often go above and beyond. And adult children who indulge in childish attention seeking behaviors or delight in victim-hood seem to be drawn to 2-D characterization b/c they lack the imagination and ability to deal with their disappointments like the adults they should be. Grrr to them and rant over.
@Annie, It was very hurtful to find myself slandered in a variety of blogs written by my stepdaughter. Until finding myself termed as heinous and jealous and being characterized as a wicked queen I had been able to avoid taking her rudeness too personally. Using the Disney picture on Facebook is a reminder that she is the one with the problem, not me. Because of my personality and the whole ‘lost love reclaimed’ tenor of the relationship with my H, it is hard to keep ignoring the hurtful things she says and does. Playing on the absurdity of the wicked queen label with that specific picture gave me just a small sense of ‘getting my own back.’ Every time I log in it’s a reminder to be a grownup and let my H handle it when what I really want to do is let her have it with both barrels!!
@Lynn, you’d probably feel better letting her have it, but I understand – and really admire – your understated approach.
@Annie, yes I would but I’m trying to take the long view. I intend to be married to her dad for the rest of my life. No point in burning any bridges for short-term gratification.
@Lynn… very admirable, and very mature way to approach it… I wish I were always that in control of my emotional responses! Props to you! (And to everyone on here dealing with these difficult situations in such remarkably positive ways!)
@Elizabeth. . .Thanks but most of the maturity is on the outside! I’m doing some short-term therapy and my last session was a HUGE rant about the unfairness of being slandered in a public forum by someone who hasn’t taken five minutes to get to know me. Suing her for slander isn’t really an option, but . . .
@Lynn, Lol, I understand… while I haven’t had the public forum to deal with as you have, I’ve definitely had some other “venues” used against me.
I’m glad you’re getting some counseling – I’m considering resuming same. The hard part, I think, is that once the dynamic is firmly in place, it’s hard to budge people. And if you’re lucky enough to budge people, the ironic part is, sometimes they’ve created so much resentment that it’s still not particularly helpful. (Or maybe that’s just me, what I’m wrestling with… my own post-traumatic crankiness!) But regardless, you’re to be commended for your commitment to the situation and for resisting the urge to “let her have it” — b/c no one could blame you for having given in.
And props to everyone else out there for being such strong, optimistic, caring people and dealing with so much! And thanks for sharing some of your most difficult, painful situations with the rest of us so we can (a) learn from you and (b) not feel as alone!
@Barbara, @Lynn, sorry to hear you’re having to put up with these silly girls and their immature, selfish behaviour. I wonder if they think their mother would be proud of them for behaving like this towards you and their dad.
))
@Barbara, I totally agree that therapists do give some dodgy advice! That was such a stupid thing to say to your step daughter when it could have enriched her life so much having her dad and you in it instead of carrying all this bitterness around forever. My W went to a grief counsellor after his wife died and he(therapist) told W that he should not think of getting into a relationship for at least 7 years. He said “look at you, what could you possibly offer anyone”. Then best of all he went for another session a year and 3 months after LW died and therapist said “Steer clear of divorced ladies as divorcees are not capable of having a relationship. Why do you think their marriage ended in the first place”. Thankfully he didn’t listen as he got together a few weeks later with one of those fallen woman incapable of having a relationship (me
Just because a therapist has a certificate on their wall does not mean they know what they are talking about, same as any other professional. They can be very incompetent and damaging, just like anyone else. Hopefully we are not too foregone to spot a bad one when we encounter them. I pity those who are desperate for help and fall under the spell of a dangerous practitioner. For the rest of us seeking help, we should always use our own judgment. If it feels wrong it usually is…just like in any other situation. And..even if we find a good counselor we don’t have to agree with everything they say.
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