Widower Wednesday: Facebook and the Late Wife
July 11th, 2012 | 16 comments
When I see all the stress, anxiety, and problems caused by social media when it comes to dating a widower, it makes me glad that Facebook, Twitter, and similar sites didn’t exist when my late wife died. I didn’t have to figure out what to do with the late wife’s Facebook page and Marathon Girl didn’t have deal with reading “I miss Krista” comments being posted on my timeline by others when wedding anniversaries, her birthday, and other occasions rolled around.
Since this has become an increasing issue in my inbox and the Dating a Widower Facebook group, here are some general guidelines for GOWs, WOWs, and widowers when it comes to social media that can help strengthen your current relationship instead of killing it.
For widowers:
- If you’re going to keep the late wife’s Facebook page active after you start a serious relationship, please don’t turn it into some sort of online shrine that you need to comment on and update all the time. It’s just as bad, if not worse, as having a shrine in your house. Please consider disabling comments or posts on it. She’s not around to read those messages anymore. Keeping her memory alive in your heart is one thing. Constantly telling the world (and your girlfriend or wife who see these posts) how much you miss her is a sign you’re not ready to move on and start a new life.
- If you’ve got tons of photos of you and the late wife posted on a social media profile, take them down and put of new photos of you and your girlfriend wife. This is the same as having your walls at home covered in photos of the late wife.
- Don’t be afraid to change your profile from “widowed” to “In a Relationship.” Don’t leave it as “married” to the late wife. That just looks bad when you’re dating someone else.
- Remember that unless you’re posting in a private form, your comments can be seen by all. If you feel the dying need to post something about the late wife, ask yourself if it’s something you’d say or tell your girlfriend or wife. If not, why on earth are you posting it?
- Take control of your Facebook or other social media pages. Don’t be afraid to delete posts or comments or block users that are going to cause problems with your new relationship.
For GOWs and WOWs:
- It’s easy to misinterpret intentions online. Just because a friend or family member says something about the late wife on a social media site doesn’t mean that person is out to sabotage your relationship. Odds are their intentions are innocent though they might they might border on insensitive.
- If the widower posts or says something about the late wife on a social media site that causes you to worry about where is heart is, don’t stew over it and try to figure out some secret meeting. Either pick up the phone and give him a call or talk to him about it next time you see him. Don’t turn a molehill into a mountain. Most of the time no harm or offense was intended.
- If you feel that time social media is coming between you and the W or that he’s spending to much time memorializing the late wife, please talk to him about it and work out a solution instead of letting things build up until they reach a breaking point. You’ve got to learn to talk about these issues before you get too serious.
For Widowers, GOWs, and WOWs:
As fun as Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites can be (and yes, they are a lot of fun), they’re not a great way to grow and nurture relationships. Please spend more face-to-face time with people instead of online time with them. There’s less of a chance for misunderstandings or other problems that way.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Some very valid points, Abel. Thanks for posting. But if social media plays that important a role in a relationship and was causing that many issues, Id have to rethink either the relationship or my page!
Thank goodness DH’s LW didn’t have a facebook page and I am not friends with any of her family members .
glad my dh doesnt have a fb page…how horrible to have a page of LW for a shrine…hugs to all that endure that one….
The LW died before Facebook came around but her daughters have set up a memorial page for her. Thankfully my hubby isn’t on Facebook. I think he avoids it so he doesn’t have to deal with these sorts of awkward situations.
It was an FB post by my W, on what would have been his anniversary with LW, that prompted me to find your book and the DAW FB page. I’m glad I did.
One of the red flags of an ex W and that he had “issues” was the facebook shrine that continues to this day of the late wife. And oddly from when she was in her 20s (she died of breast cancer near 50). I certainly agree with pics posted on anniversary of death date, respectfully done of course. The pictures are still up and the old “glamor shot” type in suggestive clothing…really wish I would have seen the red flags sooner.
This instance may be out of the ordinary the W later also revealed he is bipolar and refuses to take his meds. So in sum, very insightful blog, from all perspectives.
Widower has a young adult daughter who still has difficulty accepting her mother’s death which happened over six years ago.
There is always the usual post on mother’s day, mother’s death anniversary and her mother’s birthday. Last year multiple photos were put up for mother’s day on her wall.
Widower stopped posting on his wall once we met, but found other ways to commemorate her death. He also continues to comment and give his daughter’s posts the “like” on Facebook. Last month he did unbeknownst to me delete prior posts including the last one after we started speaking, to his credit.
For Mothers day 2011 his daughter replaced her profile picture with a picture of her mother and left it up for over a month. So everytime there was an update on her Facebook her mothers photo appeared on my wall.
I remember once she wrote I love you on het father’s wall during this time. So on her fathers wall for the whole world to see was a picture of her mother and next to her picture were the words “I love you”.
I didn’t know how to address this with widower as his usual answer is “well she died, it’s not like we got divorced” or “stop over analyzing” or “you are overly sensitive.” I know it’s sad the late wife died but the reality is I am here now and ALL of this is hard for me as well.
On top of that I’m always trying to be respectful of their feelings as well. I’m very kind considerate patient understanding and tolerant however I am also human and a woman.
I can’t explain how surreal it felt for a woman who has been dead for over half a decade to suddenly appear as a photo on her husbands facebook page, appearing to say I love you.
And I have come to realize my feelings are what they are, I’m not creating them and I won’t deny them anymore.
And I no longer look forward to social media with the same zeal.
Any comments on my post are welcome.
KT, that’s exactly the type of problems I’m glad to be avoiding since my husband isn’t on Facebook. It’s been nearly 20 years now since the LW died and his daughters still are still completely hung up on her death and will not stop memorializing her.
I don’t know if there’s anything you can do about it. If you ask them to stop it, then they’ll spin it to use it against you.
There an industry built up around “motherless daughters” now and if these women don’t come to terms with their mother being gone and move on within the first year, they are never are. Husband’s daughter are utterly obsessed with their mother “never being forgotten” and these motherless daughter support groups heavily promote that idea. But it completely clashes with the fathers moving on with their lives and remarrying.
Also let me clarify
Widower removed the posts from his wall, not his daughter’s.
Also the issue of the late wife’s photo and the I love you on the page of the man I love was finally resolved only when widower’s daughter decided to change her profile picture because she felt like it.
As someone who loves a man who was once widowed all I want is to be cherished and loved as much or more than the late wife. Sometimes the actions and inactions of a widower can feel so conflicting to his current love. I feel just like she is understanding and accommodating to the widower’s feelings, he should be to hers as well.
@ KT my ex Widower has a friend who has as their fb main photo, since the death, a 23+ year old picture of the Widower wedding with the late wife, it gets old being reminded everytime he posts, don’t know what is behind that, Agree about all the conflicting stuff, and again after a certain amount of time enough is enough…perhaps professional assistance may help, but they have to go. FB yes, KT can be a very hurtful place for us who have DAW, stay strong, voice your opinion, it is your life, and life is too short to put up with bad behavior.
FB used to be an issue for me and my widower. We discussed removing the page but he couldn’t do it because the lw’s mother is still alive and on FB. He felt it was disrespectful to her as she is already not speaking to him since we moved in together. Other friends also post on the wall and it seems find comfort from it. I thought it rather strange people making comments to someone who is no longer here like they are still alive but appreciate that everyone is different and if they want to do that then fine. I even had suggested friend requests for the lw which are automatically generated by FB so her picture would come up on my wall. When I tackled this subject with my partner he did not know what to do because of the mother/friends so I asked him if perhaps we should both come off FB altogether, he agreed to this and we haven’t looked back. I don’t miss FB at all and rather prefer spending that time doing other things.
I think that is the option I am looking at. Thank you all.
I received a Facebook Friend Suggestion of my widower boyfriend’s late wife. Her photo was right up there on my Facebook screen. He still has an email account with her name as the user ID account name and he receives the Facebook messages any of the LW’s friends would post. He also still receives mail (utility bills, magazines she had received), in her name on almost a daily basis. I really don’t enjoy the fact he is being reminded every day, many times about the fact she was in his life. I don’t need to ‘see’ reminders. He did remove her photos in his house, except in his 10 yr old daughter’s bedroom of course. But no longer plastered all over the refrigerator door, living room wall, etc. Slow progress. She has been gone for 2.5 years…I’m trying to be understanding and patient. He isn’t one to take quick action if I mention how something bothers me about having her ‘alive’ in our lives. Any suggestions? Thanks!
I dont know how to deal with any of this anymore. First I would like to say is I love my husband. But things are changing. I had no idea being married to a widower was going to be so much work. Its been almost 5 years since my husbands wife passed away. I know there is no time limit on greaving. But I feel i have been very understanding. When we got married I asked him if he was ready to try and start over he asured me he was. We have now been married almost 4 years. One of my big issues are his adult children. And my husband not wanting to talk about it. He doesnt have a fb page but does have a myspace page. I have read what he has wrote to his wife. My heart hurts very much when I read it. 1 person wrote on it hey so and so how have you been long time no talk. we had seen this lady in the store she new that the wife had passed. So why would she send something like that. I know my husband or should I say her husband goes to her page I see the date he logs in. Why do I read what he writes ????. My main reason for coming here today is. He has adult children and when 2 of them come around they bad mouth him to me but not when he is around. my husband doesnt want to here it. I tell him I dont want to here it either. I dont tell him what they say being its very hurtfull and not sure he would even believe it. I dont know what to do anymore. My husband or hers is very stubrin he doesnt ever want to talk about it. I have feelings and he needs to understand that they get hurt alot.
This has recently become an issue for myself and my new husband. 61 photos of him and late wife on HIS Facebook page in his “family” album, where there is not a single photo of me, his living wife. There is ONE picture of me and him, as his profile picture.
We’ve been married now since October, engaged a year before that, dating almost a year before we were engaged.
The Facebook issue, for us, is just an extension of the issues we’ve had all along. Photos of her in his house, on his desk, in his master bath.
I just cannot get him to understand how “un special” to him all this makes me feel.
I am at the end of my rope, feeling as if I’ve made a mistake, the truth is, I knew he wasn’t ready to leave his first wife as a loving memory and allow me to be his living, breathing, loving, sharing, giving and ONLY wife.
I just saw this thread and sympathize with all who have posted. One of the late wife’s friends had THREE memorial FB pages for her, and the W’s email attached to them……..she sent me a friend request which I foolishly accepted. I thought it would be a nice gesture, but instead it opened the door to lots of nonsense. Yes, as the others posted, pics of the late wife posted on my wall, etc. I believe some people are “professional” mourners who need to keep showing the world how much they grieve? Because they believe it casts them in a certain light? Anyone have thoughts on this?