Widower Wednesday: Don’t Waste Your Life
January 2nd, 2013 | 21 comments
It’s 2013 and many people have made resolutions for the New Year. Whether or not you’ve made any resolutions may I suggest may you add one to your list: Don’t waste your life.
One of the sad things I saw over and over again in my inbox last year were relationships that came to an ignominious end after the GOW patiently waited for years for the widower to give her the same love and respect that he gave the last wife.
It doesn’t take years to know if the widower is ready to move on. In fact, it generally takes a year or less to know whether he’s ready to give his heart to you or if you’re spinning your wheels. If you’ve been together more than a year and you still feel like you’re living in the shadow of the late wife or he has some major grief issues that need to be resolved, you’re better ending the relationship. If the widower hasn’t been able to open his heart to you after a year together, additional time isn’t going to change things. Odds are he’ll still feel the same way at two years, five years, and ten years. Life is too short to spend precious months and years with someone who’s not ready to give his heart and soul to you.
If both people want something bad enough to happen, things have a tendency to fall into place and work out. It was that way in my relationship with the late wife and with Marathon Girl. I’ve seen friends and family members experience it as well as many others widowers and GOWS experience it. You can’t fit a round peg into a round hole. Don’t try to make something work that, for whatever reason, isn’t meant to be.
Make 2013 the year you stop investing time and emotions into a relationship that’s not going anywhere. Instead resolve to put that effort into more productive endeavors.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Good point Abel. I know that even though my guy had to work through his grief (we got involved very soon after Lw’s passing) he ALWAYS was able to show me, tell me how much he cared for me and wanted me in his life. He has always done a good job of making me feel center stage even while I knew how much he was missing LW, working through his grief, etc. If they truly want you, they will work for you and will let you know it. Isn’t that true of ANY relatioship?
Yes, it is, Kris. Yes, it is.
Abel, can you define what you mean by “open his heart to you….”
You feel like the center of his universe and that he’s ready to start a new life with you. You DON’T feel like you’re competing with a ghost, that he treats you like a mistress, or that you’re a placeholder.
Abel, while your advice and commentary is thoughtful, grounded and acquired through your experiences, I realize that you and MG did not have to deal with the issues that come with raising children from your marriage to LW, however, I imagine that many of the GOW’s and WOW’s and even the W’s that read your blog have much insight. I would appreciate more topics on W’s with children, specifically tweens, as I make my way through that maze. My W has daughter, now 11, and while we have grown closer over the months that her father and I have been together, there are still moments that I feel like an outsider with no say, no merit and unfortutely at times no respect. I imagine this is more common than not, and I would love to hear from others on how they have handled it. This kind of goes along with “dont wast your life”. If the child rearing issue continues to be a struggle, no matter how wonderful the W treats me, and how much he loves me, will it ever be “normal” and “comfortable”. I’m willing to give it the work it takes, but some advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you being here for us GOW’s and WOW’s!
Even one’s biological children can make one feel like an “outsider with no say, no merit and no respect”.
I have a daughter near that age and girls in the tween (and through the teenage ones) are a mixed bag when it comes to enjoying being their parent.
Between my husband and I, we have 3 girls. Mine was four nearly five when we married and his were 22 and 24. Nearly six years later, I would say that we have blended but it was not an instant family. Even the wee daughter, who had no memory of my LH, pushed the limits of my husband (and my) patience.
It just takes time. And communication with your partner. It is best to be on the same page and have each other’s backs. We had disagreements at times about the best way to handle things but never in front of the kids and our expectations for them were consistent.
I can’t speak for him but it was a while before I felt comfortable with my step-daughters, and I would say that now we have a pretty good relationship and I don’t feel awkward offering my advice, love and support or feel that they don’t appreciate me.
Parenting is job. It doesn’t come all at once or naturally. We all have to work at it. It’s even more work, imo, when we don’t start with a child from scratch, but arrive later in their lives.
Just be open with your W. Discuss. Agree to disagree but have a joint front. It does get better. And remember that at 11, there is so much growing and learning going on that children very often aren’t focused on anything but themselves. That’s normal and that’s why they need us.
Annie, thank you for this response. I know that time and patience will take care of many of the issues. My W is relunctant to discipline at times I think because of the loss, and also perhaps because the discipline was left to LW, but he is slowly stepping up, partly because he see’s my frustration and also recognizes that she needs boundaries no matter the circumstance. It is a challange, but one we are willing to work on together, slowly, but surely. I wish there was “one right way” to approach this, but I know there is not, however, insight and empathy from those that have been there, or are going through it, greatly reduces the anxiety that is inherent in these situations. And there is a lot!
I read an article years ago that said: “if you tell your natural child to make his/her/ bed, it means ‘Make your bed.’–if you tell a step-child to make his/her bed, it means “I am in charge of making your life miserable, so I want you to make your bed, and when that is done, I will think of something else you don’t want to do, and will also make you do that.’ When I read that, I wished I had read it right after my DH and I were married, and I became step-mother to his four children (in addition to my two), because it really said a lot about step-parenting. Back when we were married , about the only reference we had was the “Brady Bunch”, and that was both lovely and unrealistic–and probably did for step-families what Bambi did for Wildlife Resources. While the step-parent needs (in many cases, the step-mom) to be able to discipline–meaning to gently direct and/ or redirect–it is the parent who needs to take the lead, and if the parent is the one who is absent (at work, etc.) then he or she needs to back the one who is there the most. There may need to be behind-the-scenes conversations, but a loving, united front needs to be in place for any child– natural, step-, foster-or whatever the case. Every child deserves this–especially those who have lost a parent for whatever reason.
Lea,
Agree with everything Annie said. Even though there are some adjustment issues with step-children, both spouses still need to man up and be a parent. I wrote two columns on the manning up part that you can read them here and here. Read the comments to those posts too. There are some great ideas and suggestions there too.
Abel
BeWe have 6 children, between us. We do not live together and live 35 minutes apart. They were 12, 13,14,24,24,27, when we met. My children (both boys – 12 and 24) were very happy, that after my divorce, I met someone who made me dance again when I cleaned house.. His daughters (14 and 27, not so much)
What I have found, with so many people involved in your lives, there is always someone along the way who will be pissed off about something. Each child has taken a shot.
I am sure the situation is VERY different with younger children- or no children. But, we have had 6 other lives and relationships not only with us, but with each other to contend with. This has always been important for us to keep in mind.
They are now 17,18,20,29,29,32. I am sure they each have a different opinion about our relationship and their hopes or wishes for it.
The best thing is we have kept them in mind. We have been able to have a relationship while being respectful to our children. We have our houses- until the day we can have our home.
It is VERY different adding children and numerous children- to the mix.
Thank you Abel for always being a place to turn when not understanding. My situation(as many) has some very unusual aspects but my question (as I am in deep pain)-just how do you make that move to leave it behind? The tables now seem turned and you feel like the widow(er). How do we create balance with our heart is feeling and our minds know? This has been the hardest thing in my life. There are no quick fixes but instructions would be great. Your thoughts are always so greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Angela,
If you’re asking how you put the pain of leaving a widower behind you, there’s no quick and easy way to do it. You simply have to believe that you did the right thing. Then, instead of sitting around thinking about it, you’ve got to keep yourself busy and give yourself distractions. The pain, like all breakups, will eventually go away. You just need to work through it like you would any other breakup.
Hope this helps.
Abel
Abel –
You are right on with this advice. As a widow myself, it is hard to give your heart over easily. But it can and does happen when the person looking at you only asks you to love them. I have been in a relationship now for some time and have been able to hand over my heart to him. I trust him and love him for who he is. We are now engaged and am fortunate to have and had two great men in my life that love me for who I was and who I am today. Samantha
Great to hear another success story, Samantha. I love it when widow(er)s are able to love fully again. And congrats on the engagement. So glad you’ve been able to open your heart to someone else!
Abel,
I split with my w but we still kept communicating (if that makes any sense). Right before Christmas he made a big effort to get back together. I went ahead and gave it another try after hoping that he had made a serious effort to move forward instead of staying stuck in grief (I also forgave him for some of the things he did that were not related to his grief). Tonight, while at his place, I read your article on “Dont Waste Your Life”. I asked him if he was ready to put her picture away which is in the bedroom and he said “No”. I told him that I had had enough and that the bottom line was that he was not ready for a relationship. I asked him why he felt he needed to have the picture there instead of a drawer and he said the picture brought him comfort . I am so upset that he reeled me in only to continue the same crap, different day. Thank you for your article, you saved me lots of time and grief.
Glad you found the column helpful, Lupita. You did the right thing. Based on what you wrote, the W isn’t ready to move on.
This is good advice for any split relationship. When I meet one, I know I will have no problem committing. Congrats on your busy schedule and Happy New Year.
I have been reading your blogs for a couple of years. I never had the “guts” to post a comment until now. I have been separated from my W for almost as long as we were married, sadly a year and a half. All the problems that I’ve read in the comments and your blog are similar to the ones I had with my W. From the very beginning I made it clear to him that I did not want to be compared to his LW. She was a person in her own right and their relationship was exactly that, THEIR relationship. He promised me up and down that he had made peace with what happened. (They were married for 3 years and she passed away in a car accident. We met 4 years after her passing). Not long after we eloped the comparisons happened. Since our families were not present at our wedding, we decided that we would have a second wedding. Our kids did not see it as we were married because they were not a part of it. During the planning of the wedding, I always made sure to include him. As I was going through ideas of decorations, my W chimes in with “well what we did at our…” I stopped him in his tracks. I calmly explained to him that I understood he had already experienced a wedding, and I respect the fact that he already went through it once, but that this was my day, OUR wedding and that I would prefer he not talk about what he did with LW for their day. Did it stop there? Nope! We talked about a bachelor/bachelorette party, if we wanted to do something together or separate. And what does he suggest? “Well, we had ours together and that worked for us.” Exactly! Again, I tried to explain to him that what he did or what he had with his LW is not something that I want to repeat because this is OUR life now, not his and hers. Suffice it to say that there were many more moments that went on like this. We were trying to get pregnant and of course he made the comment of “it would be funny if you got pregnant two months after the wedding (LW became pregnant 2 months after their wedding). Another example, W asked if he could use a certain ring at our wedding (the ring he bought after LW passed away that represented his love for her and how he didn’t want anyone else but her), because we didn’t trust his son (who was ring bearer) with our rings. Want another? The tattoo of her name right above his male parts, an area that I would be at while we were in the midst of intimacy, how he fought to cover it up. Honestly, the tattoo never bothered me, at least not until one night I wake up with him fondling me in his sleep and then I hear her name. Talk about a mood killer and a heart break at the same time! He had other tattoos that he and the LW shared (stars on both wrists); those never bothered me, and they still don’t. It was that infamous tattoo of her name in the most intimate part of his body. It bothered me because it was a constant reminder of him saying her name that night. If that night never would have happened, I don’t believe it would bother me now. He spoke of LW like she was a saint. I’m not in any way shape or form jealous of whom she was, I didn’t know the girl! But come on! We are all human, we all make mistakes! He made her sound like the girl was perfect! Like she could walk on water! He never was able to tell me what he loved about me, why he fell in love. All he could say was that he “loved me for me.” Really?! You don’t like my cooking? I can make some bomb homemade tortillas! How about the fact that I was a single mother for ten years, and supported my children, put myself through college and started a scholarship fund for teenage parents! You don’t love that about me?! Maybe it was just me, and the reassurance that I needed from my W. I don’t know. But it would be nice to hear why he loved me, once in a while. Anyways, things progressively became worse. I spoke to him and explained to him many times how hurtful it was. It didn’t seem to matter. So eventually we would get in heated yelling matches, which only made matters worse. I got to the point that I told him if this is how it’s going to be a year, two years, 10 years from now, that I would rather end things now. I cannot live life constantly arguing, constantly feeling like I’m competing against a ghost. Because guess what?! I’ll always be second and I deserve to be with someone who will always put me first. I tried explaining to him that I understand and respect what he had with LW, but if he is not ready to move on (which obviously he wasn’t) he needs to let me go. He can’t have both. There’s nothing wrong with him still grieving, I just couldn’t be with someone who still was.
Eventually, I called it quits. The final straw for me was finding out by a third party that at the time of LW’s death, he purchased a double plot. He wanted to be buried with her when it was his time to go. What I don’t understand, and maybe it’s just my lack of empathy after all that I endured with this guy, but they were married 3 years (she was 22 at the time of her death and he was 27); I understand that when you get married, you go in knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, and when they’re gone you lose yourself to some degree. I get that, but to not ever mention it to your new “love?” His first response was that it was for their son, because their son shared the same name as my W, the child was 2 when she died and he’s still alive! And of course, I didn’t buy it, so he came clean and said that it was for him because that’s what he wanted but he didn’t want that anymore. That he told his family he did not want to be buried there. Ok, so I’m married to this guy, what does that make me?!! I didn’t know about it! I knew he was adamant to be buried in that town, but I didn’t have a say in it. Yet when it came time to talk about it, I informed him of my wishes and told him that my kids would carry it out, and he was upset that I didn’t include him. I put myself in his shoes and agreed with him, he should be included now because we are married. I don’t get it! He had this plan to be buried with his LW and I didn’t know about it, and he was upset because my wishes did not include him?! I can go on and on about all the crap I dealt with this guy and his W issues, but I’d rather not. At this time we are still married but separated. I realize that I can never have a life with this guy. It just sucks; the saying is true “you can’t help who you fall in love with.” With time I have been able to forgive him, to a certain extent. I know time is the only thing that can help heal the wounds. And as I’m typing this, the W still blames me for our separation. It is my entire fault that we did not last. I was supposed to be “understanding,” compassionate of his situation. Well, I’m sorry but after only a year and a half of this, my patience ran out and I chose not to live another year or 10 years of this misery. I value myself and still have hope that someday I will meet someone who is emotionally, mentally and spiritually available; someone who will put me first and make me the only woman in his life.
Sorry to hear about your situation, Isabel but you did the right thing. It’s hard and it sucks but it’s the best thing for you and your future.
I hope you find that special person. I was several yeers DAW and thought there would be no one else. I finally found the strength to leave. A few months later I met the man of my dreams, my fiancee’. I never for one moment feel second best and know completely I am the only woman for him. All the issues I had with W adn insecurities and problems are simply not there. I am SO glad I decided to leave the W – fiancee’ is wonderful to my sons and to me and we expect a happy life. Dont’ settle EVER. Leave them to their grief and find someone ready to be a parnter
Wondering what others thoughts are on having kids of “your own” together when there are already kids from the first marriage? My W and I are getting married and he doesn’t really want any more children since he adopted 4 with his LW before she died. It’s really more of an adoption question I guess, because he is willing to adopt again but thinks it would be hard for the kids if we had a child that looked different from them. Thoughts?