Widower Wednesday: Don’t Call Him Back
December 14th, 2011 | 14 comments
Often I’ll get emails from women whose relationship with a widower recently ended. A few weeks or months after the breakup the widower will call, text, or email the woman saying he wants to talk, go out to dinner, or get back together. If the woman still has feelings for him, she’s excited to hear from the widower again but wants to know how to approach the situation the second time around so it doesn’t end badly the second time around.
My advice: Don’t call him back.
Widowers (and men for that matter) will only contact when they want something. It could be that they’re feeling lonely and need to talk with someone. Maybe they’re horny and want nothing more than a roll in the proverbial hay or just want someone to come over and take care of them again. There could be a thousand reasons a widower starts contacting you again but odds are it’s not because he’s come to his senses, got over his grief, and wants a committed relationship. It’s usually because he wants your time, your body, your money or something else that he’s currently not getting from someone else. And there’s no easier target for a widower than a recent ex-girlfriend—especially when he can pull the widower card and claim he’s miraculously overcome his grief and is ready to start over.
Widowers don’t change their stripes overnight. If he treated you like garbage before the relationship ended, was stuck in perpetual grief, or made you feel like number two day in and day out, odds are you’re in for more of the same the second time around. So if a widower contacts you after a break up, save yourself further heartache and don’t contact him again. Your silence will speak louder than any returned phone call or text message. Eventually he’ll get the message and move on to weaker prey.
If you think your widower’s the exception all of the above, I’m not going to stop you from getting back together. But I do implore you think pretty hard about getting involved with the same widower again. I’m a big fan of the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” If you end up getting burned again (and most women who go back to their widowers do), you have no one to blame but yourself.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Sometimes it takes 3 times before the message sinks in… to save myself from feeling silly for going back (again), I just referred to it as “Strike 3″. Abel is right on with his advice here… right spot on.
Thanks, Barb.
I would tend to agree with you. I, however, against my better judgment did reply when my W contacted me after a breakup. We’ve been back together for 6 months and just recently moved in together. He went through a lot of counseling while we were apart though. He knew he needed to “fix” himself whether we were ever going to get back together or not.
We’re talking about marriage and children now. I definitely wouldn’t advise this for everyone, but for me it’s worked out wonderfully. I know I would always have wondered what would have been if I hadn’t given it another go.
Thanks Erin, for stepping out and sharing your own personal anecdote. It shows that in some case, IF the W takes responsibilty for himself and works hard its possible for him to become part of a healthy, loving relationship that focuses more on BOTH parties present together more than on HIS past with his late wife.
Unfortunately, dating a widower (aka DAW) did not end in a meaningful relationship for me and the widower I was involved with. However, I learned a lot about myself and what I want, what I need in a relationship. How important strong communication and loving boundaries are.
IF a woman does decide to take the call, if he does not show her ANY real empathy regarding HER needs, and if he cannot acknowledge then truly SHOW that he has really changed then yes, SHE should be very clear that he’s still the same OLD W that she broke up with in the first place.
Nothing new there and he’s likely just wants to use her. Don’t fall for it.
But, as in Erin’s case, if the widower made the decision to get counseling or somehow work through HIS issues and THEN came a courting then he might be worth another chance.
Based on several of my friendships made while a member on Abel’s Facebook group Dating a Widower, I would suggest to any girlfriend, just make sure the widower you’re re-considering dating has made CONSCIOUS changes, he readily articulates them and is making YOU his priority now. If he cannot do these things FOR you then you have to wonder what has changed, if anything.
Erin, thanks for sharing your story. I think it can work in certain circumstances but, like Aubery said, it really falls on the widower to man up and realize there’s a problem and then work hard to make things right. It sounds like your widower did all of that. Sadly most of the emails I get, it doesn’t have a happy ending. Keep us posted on things. We’re all cheering for it to work out with you.
Thanks, Abel. I’ll keep you posted. I’m no longer on DAW on FB, but I have friends that are. When I have good news, I’ll certainly ask them to share it with the group.
This topic came at a perfect time for me, just after breaking things off with my W boyfriend
(I’ve been ignoring his calls).
I agree with a lot said, although I have heard from other professionals that if you break it off with the W, The W will have a chance to recognize how much he misses you and the process may take around six weeks. To me, that advice sounds like the W could realize and change things within some time, and it may be worth it to answer the W’s calls?
The reason that I did break things off is because of his negligence causing emotional distress, which consisted of keeping the LW on the answering machine and some of her belongings, like clothing, around the house. The reason I say negligent, is because he told me the only reason that things aren’t done is because he just neglected to do them, but nothing deeper than that?
I also wanted to ask opinions on a few things, if you guys don’t mind, I really appreciate your thoughts and advice…….
The LW still being programmed in the W’s cell phone?
Taking pictures of the LW’s Grave (for the children?)
W’s father making a memorial plaque stating “the deceased name” WIFE OF “W’s” name. How can that be addressed and handled?
Also, the LW died three years ago, the head stone is still not done, I’m worried it may say something on it, like what’s written above, and that makes me feel like she’s going to be his wife forever.
The W’s daughters, 9 and 11 asked the W to put “family” pictures around the house.(W, LW and kids……..)
I have heard from other professionals that if you break it off with the W, The W will have a chance to recognize how much he misses you and the process may take around six weeks. To me, that advice sounds like the W could realize and change things within some time, and it may be worth it to answer the W’s calls?
Christina, if someone said the same thing about a single or divorced man, what would your gut reaction be?
The LW still being programmed in the W’s cell phone?
Does he call her?
Might just be lazy. I have tons of numbers in my phone that I should probably erase but haven’t for one reason or another.
Taking pictures of the LW’s Grave (for the children?)
Don’t really have a problem with this but why aren’t the kids visiting or taking their own pictures?
W’s father making a memorial plaque stating “the deceased name” WIFE OF “W’s” name.
Where is the plaque going to be?
he LW died three years ago, the head stone is still not done, I’m worried it may say something on it, like what’s written above, and that makes me feel like she’s going to be his wife forever.
Actions speak louder than words. Doesn’t matter what’s on the headstone. Only matters how he treats you.
The W’s daughters, 9 and 11 asked the W to put “family” pictures around the house…
It’s his house. He can hang whatever photos he wants on the walls. Kind of a moot point, however, since you broke up with him.
The plaque is down the street from the W’s house, outside, at his 2nd home (we visit about once a month).
As for the pictures, my family/friends had a problem when visiting his house because it was overkill, and they disagreed with the LW’s pictures being up, and none of me. But I wouldn’t want pictures of me up right next to pictures of her because I feel like it takes away from me.
I didn’t ask him to remove pictures, I suggested that the ones where they are together as a couple, in heart shaped frames, should probably be put away. Yet they miraculously appear back up again time to time. (for the kids)
He also had a picture of them together on his desk at his office, but then he just put it in his desk drawer.
I know it’s his house, actually its still the LW’s house, being in her name only. But I was living there, and think I deserved the right to say it was my house too, for the time being that i was living there.
Interesting article…I look back at my journey since my LW passing. The path Abel calls out is very true…loneliness plays a role in the return visits to previous relationshiips. For me it also was about where I was in the grieving process. I would break things off because I wasn’t ready, not because the girl wasn’t right for me. If I met some people I dated early on, I probably would be with them. But you can’t go back…
My point is this…I wouldn’t say don’t answer, what I would say is don’t emotionally answer “hoping.” the W has to be ready, until he is, its just unintentional games. Actions will tell you your W is ready, not words or the action of a phonecall.
This blog post is so on point…I re-tweeted it and shared it in emails. Thanks for calling out those “bad” widowers who play the “poor me” card. Sharing it also with my hospice groups … a great wake up call to all in the groups…I have seen this behavior get out of hand.
To the point where the widower is scamming unsuspecting women for $$$ and worse. Well done … once again.
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My widower never really accepted me as his wife. I was just a nanny for the kids to help him. I made him a 10 books pictures/scrapebooks of his life during our union. Not one picture of me in them. Then he got upset with me cause his step daughter did not create all of scrapebooks or it was her idea? I had to pay her to help me make these books for him! He hurt me again with this comment. He never said one thing that I did not add a picture of me. Why? It just proved he never loved me in his heart.I was a plug in his heart. I cried many nites in his house. I did notice at our wedding he was very sad in the pictures compared to his frist wedding. Yup saw the video and pictures; he was very happy at wedding with her. I asked him about his sad face. My widower said he hates crowds that is all. Another lie. I begged my widower to talk to me and he did a lot of stonewalling. I think he started hating me cause tried to organize the home and children compalined. That did not help cause he was not strong enough to support me. His grief got in the way. I have learned my lesson …no more widowers. oh yes, I went thru similar things as Chrisitna above too,but that did not bother me,but other things hurt quite a bit.