Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower 101
February 16th, 2011 | 7 comments
I know that there are some people who have been following my blog for a long time while new readers are reading it for the first time. This Widower Wednesday post is for those who are new to this blog and/or dating a widower. The purpose isn’t to discourage you from dating a widower. Instead, it’s to answer some of the basic questions that come when dating a widower and help you discern those widowers who are ready to start a new life and those who are still grieving. I call it “Dating a Widower 101.”
- It’s normal for a widower to date weeks or months after his late wife’s death. Most men feel that their lives are broken without that special someone in their life. Dating is their way of “fixing” it. There’s nothing wrong with their desire to date again so quickly. Their timeframe may seem soon to you but it probably feels completely reasonable to them.
- Just because a widower is dating, doesn’t mean he’s ready to move on or make a long-term commitment to you. Widowers – especially recent widowers – are happy to have someone in their life and will jump into relationships that they normally wouldn’t get involved in. Keep your eyes open for red flags and other warning signs that he’s not ready to move on.
- Hold widowers to the same standards you expect for single or divorced men. If he treats you anything less than a queen, don’t put up with it. Grief is no excuse for bad behavior. If you tolerate their bad behavior, widowers will take full advantage of it and keep repeating the same behavior over and over again.
- It’s natural to feel curious about the late wife and their life together. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions about it. Not only will this give you insight into his past and how well he’s moving on, it can also help open up lines of communication that can address other widower issues. Open communication is vital if the relationship is to have any chance of working out.
- Widowers will get over their grief and move on when they find someone they want to start a new life with. They’ll take down shrines to the late wife, remove her clothes from the closet, sell their home or do whatever else it takes to make you feel like you’re number one in his heart. If he’s not showing signs of moving on, he’s probably not that into you. Consider moving on.
- The best way to make sure the widower is ready to move on is to take the relationship slow. Widowers who aren’t ready to move on or are just looking for someone to keep them warm at night can only put on a façade for so long. If you’re patient, their true selves will eventually emerge. If they’re not ready you can get out of the relationship with minimal heartache.
- Don’t be afraid to end the relationship you constantly feel like number two or the widower isn’t moving on. It’s hard to end things with someone you love. However, don’t get sucked into a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Not all widowers are ready to move on. Better to end things sooner rather than wasting months or years of your life with someone who isn’t ready to start a new life with you.
- Dating a widower isn’t for everyone. If there are issues that come with dating a widower you can’t handle, don’t continue dating one. This doesn’t make you any less of a person. We all have thing that we can or can’t put up with in a relationship. If a dating a widower is you don’t want to deal with, don’t trick yourself into thinking you you’ll adjust. You won’t be able to. Instead your life will quickly become a living hell.
- If you’re fortunate to date a widower who’s ready to make you number one in his heart, you’re in for a treat. Often this blog tends to focus on the negative aspects but I have received many success stories over the years. Widowers who are ready to start a new life generally don’t take life for granted. They realize how precious each moment in this life is and will make every moment with you special.
For those widowers and women dating widowers who have more experience dating a widower , is there anything else you want to add? Do so in the comments section below.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
This is my first internet stop as I have fallen in love with a widower and he with me. We had our first week of visiting 24/7 (we live in different states) and I came away with the thought that I need to help in whatever way I can.
He was very surprised that he was not fully over the loss of his beloved wife when I visited him in his home. I knew he was being overly optimistic in how things were going to be so it was not a surprise to me what happened. I think he feels guilty and I know he realizes he has something to work through in his head.
I don’t expect a quick fix but would love to be given direction on material that I can read in hopes of moving us forward as we both want. I just don’t think he knows what to do right now. He had only a tiny bit of counseling after his wife passed. I know he needs a little something right now but I don’t know where to steer him. Please share some good resources with me.
Thank you very much!
@Karen DJ, I am not sure what you mean when you say that he was surprised and you were not. It’s not really all that uncommon a thing for a new relationship to stir up grief a little. Anytime one moves forward in life there is the risk of backpedaling a bit at the start.
The way to move on is by simply doing it. There is no “how to” or counseling that will get one there if one is not committed to the idea. And it will be as easy or difficult as it is going to be.
If he feels he needs to seek out a counselor (and it probably should be based on his assessment of his needs not yours), then I would suggest he start with his employer’s EAP. Many jobs have access to free counseling services that allow employees to meet up to three times with a counselor for assessment and possible referral. He could also check out what his local hospice/church has to offer in terms of grief groups.
But, I wonder if maybe it was simply the stress of meeting for the first time and your visiting a house he shared with his late wife on top of it. Perhaps you are both worrying over something normal? I don’t have details enough to know, and I hesitate to speculate, but my husband and I were LDR and our first meeting had a teary moment or two as the reality of what moving on is sunk in. Just a thought.
In the end, he has to want to work towards this future you both want and there isn’t much you can do but just be supportive and make your feelings and thoughts known.
Best of luck to you both.
Do you have a book about dating widows etc
@Susie — I’m in the middle of contract negotiations for one. Hope to have good news soon.
I am new to this site but not new to dating and now marrying a widower. I appreciate all the thoughts and hopefully I can come to peace with and work through the issues we have. Abel, can you provide any insight into my new husband occasionally calling me his deceased wife (of 8 years) name?
[...] February 16 | Dating a Widower 101 [...]
In the events surrounding the death of my late wife, many people said “if there’s anything I can do, just let me know”. I was quite bold in telling my friends “invite me to supper, or to go do something once things settle down.” I received many invitations to hang ouit with friends (guys and couples). I accepted nearly all of them, maybe as many as 15 in the first month. As time went on though, I began to experience a crushing loneliness, and while these interactions with my friends kept me busy, they did not alleviate the pain. In fact, spending time with my married friends usually made the loneliness even more noticable. It became a constant reminder that they had something that I no longer had…a companion.
I knew I would never have my wife back, but I longed to have that interaction that we had. Having good friends cannot replace having someone to share your day with, relax on the couch together, or even just to be in the kitchen beside you while washing dishes. It’s not physical intimacy you crave, but emotional intimacy.
So I can identify with the first bulleted item above. Loneliness hurts. I was ready to try anything to ‘fix’ it, even thought I KNEW that it was probably too soon.