Widower Wednesday: Companionship vs. Relationships
August 10th, 2011 | 25 comments
Quick Dating a Widower book update: I received the final manuscript back from the proofreader this morning and final cover art back from the graphic designer a few days ago. All that’s left to be done is to get the type setting done for the paperback version and some uploading and device testing for the eBooks. Assuming that all goes well Dating a Widower should be available within the next two weeks.
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A subject that came up on the Dating a Widower Facebook group last week was on was that of widowers who wants relationship vs. widowers who want companionship. I thought it was a great thread and thought I’d share my thoughts on the subject.
If you’re dating a widower, one of the first things you need to know is that not every widower is looking for a relationship. Some are simply looking for companionship. It’s important to realize this distinction because a lot of people assume that just because a widower has a profile on an online dating site or has otherwise entered the dating waters that he’s looking for the same kind of relationship that you are.
So what’s the difference?
Widowers who are looking for companionship just want someone to spend time with. They’ll string a woman along and tell her whatever he thinks she wants to hear just so she won’t leave. They’ll use her for a night, a week, a month, or more until she no longer fills his need then they’ll move on to their next conquest. Widowers looking for companionship are fully aware that they’re using women and stringing them along. They don’t care about the feelings or heart of the woman they’re dating. All they’re concerned about is plugging the big empty hole in their heart with anyone who they can sucker into spending time with them.
When I was dating Jennifer, I never really wanted a relationship with her—just companionship. (Read Room for Two if you don’t know the story.) However, I didn’t care about her feelings or that she thought the relationship was heading toward marriage when I fully knew it would never get that far. All I was concerned about was having someone to talk to and spend time with on occasion because it helped me feel that my life was back to normal. She was filling an emotional need and that’s all I cared about.
Widowers who are looking for a relationship want more than just a one night stand or someone they can use to gratify the big empty feeling in their heart. They actually care about the feelings of the person they’re dating and make that person the top priority in their life. They’re (usually) mentally and emotionally ready to start a new relationship with someone else. Once they fall in love with someone, they don’t have a problem letting their date know what kind of long-term relationship they’re looking for.
When I was dating Marathon Girl, my first concern was for her happiness and well being. Yes, it was nice to spend time with someone and have them at my side. However, it wasn’t my heart that I was concerned about but hers. I knew she had concerns about dating me but I was patient with her while she worked through her issues. More importantly I was willing and able to talk about the relationship I wanted with her. I wasn’t afraid to talk about long-term commitment, marriage, or where I saw the two of us in two months or the next year. I was always trying to find ways to move the relationship forward to the goal we both shared—marriage.
If you want to avoid being strung around by a widower, it’s important that you figure out as early as possible if the guy you’re dating is looking for a relationship or companionship. The best way to do that is to take your time before becoming emotionally or physically involved with him However, patience will pay off in the long run because those who just want companionship will eventually run out of patience and reveal their true intentions. They’ll have difficulty taking the relationship slow because you’re not fulfilling their emotional or physical needs.
Taking things slow can be a hard thing to do at first—especially if the two of you get along really good right off the bat. However, it’s the best way to out those who are just looking companionship. I know if Jennifer had pushed back or wanted to take things slow, I doubt our relationship would have become as serious as it did.
One thing to keep in mind is that even if the widower wants a relationship and is ready to make room in his heart for someone else—that person may not be you. It takes more than simply having the same relationships goals to make things work. Personality, shared interests, physical attractiveness, life goals, and thousands of other little things play into whether or not there’s a long term potential. However, most people can figure those things out on their own. It’s knowing whether a widower is interested in you or himself that takes time.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Thanks. I really needed this article today. I’ve been seeing a widower for two months now and have had doubts as to whether or not it’s me he’s interested in or just being wiht me. (don’t know if that makes sense.) Your article helped clarify things for me.
Glad you found it helpful, Heidi.
Thank you for your insights into the minds of men, Abel. I never would have guessed or figured out some of these things except for your comments.
You’re welcome. Glad it was helpful.
What I found amusing about this is that you could substitute the word “man” for “widower” and it would still ring true…most men act this way, widowed or not!!
I also don’t think that “Companionship” is necessarily a bad thing…but the widower (or “man”..LOL) should make it clear from the beginning that is all they want, because there are some women in the world who are only looking for “companionship” as well.
Pam, you nailed what I’m trying to teach women: widowers are men and should be treated the same way.
Agreed that companionship isn’t a bad thing if that’s what the couple wants. However, most widowers won’t be so open about their intentions.
Most men aren’t that open and honest b/c they believe that most women wouldn’t date them if dating, sex and companionship alone were all that was on the table. And there are a lot of women who wouldn’t, but they should have the option of deciding that for themselves.
However, I think it becomes apparent quickly as to what kind of relationship you are in and that is really where “push/pull” originates, imo. Two ppl with different agendas trying to coerce the other out of what they want.
I agree with Pam. Companionship is not a dirty word. The important thing is that the couple share a common vision for the relationship. Having different expectations is where the slope gets slippery.
Karen, it wasn’t my intention to make companionship a dirty word. If two people are looking for companionship that’s fine. But most of the audience here are looking for relationship of some sort and sometimes get stuck with men who just want companionship. Unless you know what to look for, That widower thing makes it hard to tell who wants what sometimes.
i have a long distance relationship with a widower. orshould i say companionship.. When we first met i actually thoght we had met somewhere in the past. we clicked. i see myself with him in the future but right now its constant issues. Its time to say goodbye but my heart will break. I LOVE HIM. wow how did i get this far. help..
I am sorry you are hurting. Loving someone doesn’t guarantee getting the same love back in return. It’s okay to put yourself first, ask for what you need and expect to get it. A man who loves you will want your needs met too. You can’t fix or change someone even if he wants that – he still has to do it for himself. Do what you need to do for you. You deserve love.
Abel, you’re right, most women who end up at your blog are in the “I want long-term commitment” camp.
The point I was trying to make is that there are honorable people, men and women, who just want companionship and are up front about it.
There is nothing wrong with that.
There are also people of less integrity who just want companionship and will “string a woman along and tell her whatever he thinks she wants to hear just so she won’t leave.”
That sucks.
I do think women who want LTC (long-term commitment) and end up with an LTC-phobic widower should cut bait sooner rather than hang onto the false hope that he will change. He won’t. And actions reveal fairly early on whether he’s LTC material or not, regardless of what he says.
For women, words seem to be louder than actions. And empty promises seem to drown out everything.
If a woman is determined to “hang in there” until a W Is “finally through grieving”, she is going to end up alone or in a marriage that will not be much different from the courtship that drove her so crazy to begin with but that’s just my observation – and it’s certainly applies to women who are dating Mr. String-Alongs who aren’t W’s too.
Agreed, Karen.
So true about companionship and just stringing a woman along; I WAS a LTC person until I realized that I am not LTC with the W I was seeing because he is not a LTC because he is not ready for a relationship after almost 4 years of DOD. In a way I’m waiting for him to finish grieving, but in a way I’m working on a new life by losing weight and gaining interests in physical activities. Self-esteem issues abound but I know I should not just settle for someone who is is actively in love with a deceased wife. His home was a shrine until I left him and he now has an apartment that I haven’t been to. Why? I asked him if he and LW’s wedding picture was put up again. I can’t go there while he is still demonstrating his past life and love for his wife. I feel that there is not any way to squeeze myself into his life. He expects the present and the past to merge into one happy life. Being older and never married, I want someone to love me and focus his attention on only me – let his past remain in the past, Please someone tell me if my emotions are unreasonable.
BTW- I didn’t say so but yes, he told me the wedding picture is still displayed.
Also, when he comes to see me, when it becomes dark his 19 year old child who lives with him is always begging him to come home because she says she is afraid of the dark.
Erika
Your widower is not ready for a real marriage yet. Please just date him and become his friend first. Keep in mind if he cannot let go of trying to put you or convert you to his past ole wife…it will not work. He must realize you are different woman and you will make changes in the home and in your relationship. He will have memories and pictures and moments which you will have to respect. But his last wife is dead and you must be felt as you are important by him.! I look back on my 3 years with my widower and his children. He and children were still grieving and all tried to make me fit into his last wife/mother. They hated everything I did in the home despite me loving and buying them thingsand creating our memories. They did not love me and I left the home about 2 months ago. It hurt me a lot but I had no other choice after talking and being told by my widower he wants a divorce cause I am not fitting into last wife’s place. My widower seeked outside women while I was married to him because he was never in love with me. I was a nanny only. Also when his children where disrespectful or ignored me; he ignored me too. He refused marital counseling and will not speak to me now cause he hates me. I have no idea what I did to deserve that action. I look back now and he gave me signs he lost interset in me,,no cuddling, no laughing, refused to go to a marital retreat, only talked about the children’s goals and needs… never us. Also I felt I was boring to him and the children.
Anyway become your widoer’s friend but stand your ground in making changes in the home and creating your own memories
for you two if marriage becomes an option.. Be resepectful of last wife and let him talk ever now and then about her. Just protect your emotions and let the union process SLOWLY. Also go to Second Wives Cafe internet site..those ladies are wonderful!.
Thank you for the advice, T. I’m really very sorry for the experience that you went through. I cannot imagine anyone being so cruel.
Abel, thank you for this blog! I dated a widower for almost 6 months. He ended our relationship two weeks ago. We met 5 months after his wife died. It was a great relationship all around. I liked his kids, family, friends and vice versa. Our kids got along swimmingly. His actions matched his words. The one year anniversary of his wife’s death is approaching on 9/7. When he ended our relationship he said he missed his wife, he felt like he was cheating on her and felt guilty being with me because he was happy. He had also been drowning himself in his work and not spending much time with his sons.
HELP! I need some insight. I feel this is a relationship worth fighting for.
Sylvia, he gave you a laundry list of reasons why he wanted to call it off. What do you think you can do to save it?
hi sylvia, we are on the same situation…only that he does not have son….and i am totally single….i really love him but he wants to get out because he feels guilty because he was happy with me…
thanks God i found this site…i have been dating a widower he is 35 years old and i am 32 yrs old we met online and he decided to meet me and travel half the world for me..we had wonderful times together but he is very open of saying that sometimes he feels guilty about the death of her wife…she died of breast cancer. he says he cares a lot about me and he says i love you…but it s been a roller coaster ride we broke up because he feels gulity and not yet ready then got back again and broke up again..i ve been in pain because i love him so much…but anyhow, i accepted the break up though in pain…i have this feeling that he will coming bAck again because after this break up ..it is her wifes death anniversary this october 28 and i have forseen it that he will all be about his wife lately and then it happened..i want to be sure when he comes back he will not leave me anymore and marry me…we talk about marriage already….he initiates about it to me…please help me
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This blog entry really helped me put my fears into words. I had a recently widowed man ask me out, and after reading through your blog I could tell that he was not ready for a long-term committment, which is what I want. I know that he wants a long-term relationship at some point, but I’m worried that if we start too soon we’ll get stuck in companionship mode, even if that is not his intention.