Widower Wednesday: Alone for the Holidays
December 7th, 2011 | 7 comments
A recent widower writes the following:
Abel,
I lost my wife of 23 years this September to an extended illness. My wife always made the holiday season so special and I’m not looking forward to the holidays without her. Yes, I’ll have children (16, 19, and 21) friends and family to visit and spend time with so I won’t be alone. However, I just don’t know if I can make it through this time without having a complete breakdown or ruining the holidays for others. Do you have any suggestions of things I can do to take some of the sting off this holiday season? What did you do make it through the holidays after your wife died?
Thanks,
Tom*
Tom,
First, sorry to hear about your wife. It seems like the first time through the holidays is always the hardest. But even though your late wife won’t be there to share the holidays with you, that doesn’t mean this time of year has to feel empty or pointless.
The best thing you can do is to stop thinking about your loss and focus your thoughts and energy on others this holiday season. There are lots of ways to do it, but here are some ideas to get you thinking: Work with a local church or charity and see if you can buy some presents for a needy family. If you’re feeling adventurous, dress up as Santa Claus and deliver the presents in person (or get a friend to do it). Maybe you can volunteer your time with a soup kitchen or visit a nursing home and spend some time with those who may not have any family during this season either. Invite your neighbors to a party or dinner. Help a neighbor string Christmas lights. Shovel a neighbor’s walk. Think of ways to help your talents and abilities to help others. For your kids or other family members, take them out to a fun holiday movie. Drive around and see some Christmas lights or take a special family vacation to get away from things. There’s countless things you can do but you have to start thinking of ways to help other people need instead of what (or who) is missing from your life.
Thinking about others and giving of yourself isn’t cure all for your loss this time of year. There will be times you’ll miss your wife and all the things she did to make this season special and you might just need to take a few minutes have yourself a good cry. But you can remove a big part of the sting by cheering others up and helping those who may also are experiencing a difficult times this holiday season. Yes, the holidays won’t be the same without your late wife but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them. Just think of things you can do for others and you’ll find that the holiday season won’t as gloomy or sad as you think they might be.
*Name changed
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Great advice Abel!
After my wife died, I spent a few too many holidays with no plan. Waking up on Christmas morning with no clear path for the day was incredibly tough.
I now plan *something* for these days. Even if I plan to do nothing, at least I *know* that is what I want to do, and it isn’t a panic waking up and having guilt in my day.
Also, I give myself permission to change my plans. On more than one occasion I have left in the middle of an event with no warning or communication to the host. If I am not in a healthy space to interact with people, I am better off leaving.
-Ish
wanderoke.blogspot.com
Thanks, Ish. I agree that having a plan (and the ability) to change those plans on the fly is a good thing. Glad it’s working out for you. Sounds like you’re heading in the right direction. Hope this holiday season is a happy and enjoyable one for you.
I agree. Have a plan and be flexible. And, let yourself be sad, if thats what it takes.
This will be my eighth Christmas since my wife of 35 years died and I have spent them many ways: alone, with one or both of my childrens families, with friends. I have ignored decorating completely and I have decorated with ornaments made only by my wife.
The important thing is, as you say, have a plan. Even if it is just: get up, have breakfast, go for a walk, what am I doing for dinner and how am I going to remember her.
Get out the photo albums and remember the good times.
Definitely found for myself that making the holidays about others was the best path through them. Some might call it distraction but we really aren’t able to dwell on our loss constantly without doing damage to ourselves. The holidays are actually the perfect opportunity to do for others, change our perception a bit and in doing so, realize that we still have a lot to be grateful for.
Changing locale helps too. My husband lost his first wife in August of 2006 and for the first Christmas he and my step-daughters celebrated Christmas with relatives in another province. It didn’t make the sadness go away but they didn’t have the added burden of a familiar holiday setting without her.
And as -ish suggests, don’t force yourself to hang out for long periods of time at functions. Put in appearances, set a timer and then leave. Just getting out and doing does help even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Cut yourself a bit of slack. People are generally quite understanding those first months. It will be okay and you will get through it. Usually the dread of the holidays is worse than the actual holidays themselves.
I agree with Annie–my husband’s wife passed the first week of Nov. and at his sister-in-law’s invitation, he took his four kids and went to So. California for ten days over Christmas and New Year’s. He sent her money ahead and she had their Christmas all wrapped up when they arrived. They did Disneyland, etc. By the second Christmas, we had met, married and were involved making a Christmas for both of our sets of kids out of what we had had in the past.
The first (only) Christmas after my divorce(actually it was the same year, but we didn’t know each other then) was not a very happy event, either, but what made it much better was when I went out with my girls (ages 6 and 2) and got small gifts for their dad, his parents, sister and two grandmothers. My mom went with me, and we took the girls, the gifts and school pictures and visited his parents, sister and grandmothers. (That’s where my courage ended–we left his gift at his parents.) I know that the act of thinking of others whose feelings were raw helped make those holidays bearable, and laid groundwork for better relations that continue today.
Yes, cut yourself some slack–but focus all you can on others needs and wishes. The best way to cheer yourself is to make someone else happy–and it’s not hard to find someone who has it much worse than you do–no matter how bad you may have it.
This does not mean to sound crass–but, you said your wife passed due to a lingering illness. Spend some time comtemplating the blessing that she is now out of pain, not ill, not bed-ridden, if that was the case. Those thoughts should be of comfort to you, also.
A friend of mine (we were born a few months apart) who came to our Sept wedding succumbed to melanoma six weeks later. I am witnessing his widow go through this tough time now and appreciate insight from folks here who have gone thru same.
My husband’s father died shortly after our wedding too so my mother in law is also facing her first holiday alone.
I agree that staying busy/connected is good, and at same time it is okay to have low expectations. Like the anticipation of surgery, you know it will hurt , you know you have to go through it and hopefully you have the faith to believe life will once again be happy.
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